Breaking news out of South Bend today: There is still no interest from anyone in squiring Charlie Weis away from Notre Dame. Since their season concluded, Weis' agent, Bob Lamonte is trying, desperately, to drum up interest in Charlie Chalupa but has had no luck. In fact, his calls have become legendary among athletic directors from Ann Arbor to Los Angeles. When Bob calls on behalf of Charlie, AD's are ducking the calls like they owe him money.

There is a dark underbelly to this coaching tilt-a-whirl. That ugly underbelly has a face, and that face is property of Charlie Weis. You hear all about the success stories like Houston Nutt parlaying mediocrity into fortune and Paul Johnson getting paid, but what about the man no one wanted? What of the doughboy in the hoodie? What will become of him?

Lamonte denies he's trying to get an extension for Weis, who's already signed well beyond his life expectancy at Notre Dame. Lamonte claims his private calls with friends are not the business of the media. The media reminds Mr. Lamonte that agents don't have friends. When we contacted athletic directors around the country, we were shocked at our results. Even discomfited Arkansas AD, Jeff Long, laughed when asked if he'd be interested in Weis.

Of the 118 Division I AD's we contacted, only one (1) showed interest in Weis. Duke said, "Absolutely! We'd be happy to have Mr. Weis. He's the most high profile morbidly obese coach in college sports right now. He's the perfect candidate for us!" [when fact checking Jebus' post we found he hadn't contacted the Duke athletic department, but rather Duke's world-renowned Fat Camp -- Camp Rotund & Moribund.--ed. ]

When reached for comment, Charlie Cacciatore replied, "Syrup... I need more syrup on my eggs."

Missouri's Secret Shame, Volleyball Mascot: Miz Meow!

The Missouri Tigers went from the proverbial driver's seat to riding in the bed of the pickup truck in three horrific hours on Saturday night. It's tough medicine, to be sure, but it's also no time for crying. No one wants to hear you whine about being left out of the BCS, Missouri. Your football program has been a joke for as long as we can remember and one good season does not afford you the respect you think you're entitled to. This was a good season for you, so let's not leave on bad terms. You were the #1 team in the country and had a chance to avenge your only loss of the season. You got an opportunity to show the nation that you were for real -- and you blew it in spectacular fashion. Oklahoma pistol-whipped you, as evidenced by this animated drive chart . The Sooners used your carcass to convince me that they may actually be the best team in the country right now, so let this be a learning experience for your entire beleaguered state. If you want to be known for more than meth production and excessive Christianity, then I suggest you take a few plays off, look at what you've accomplished, and focus on beating a Nuttless Arkansas in the Cotton Bowl. Godspeed!

Football, and more specifically, college football, is the greatest game there is. What makes it the greatest game, you ask? The reason football is the greatest game is because of the ball itself. The ball is shaped oddly and when it touches the ground it does funny things. Even an expert football player, someone who's spent their entire life playing the game, often loses control of the ball [see: Wilson, John Parker]. It's unwieldly and uncontrollable, like the game itself. A football isn't round, so it's not like other games. Round ball games are for pussies. You drop a round ball and it comes back to you. You drop a football and you don't know what it will do. This uncertainty is why college football is the most beautiful game, and largely because of its uncertainty, many would say this year was the most beautiful college football season of all. The twists and turns started in January, still haven't let up, and we're only now approaching bowl season. Buried in all of this uncertainty, deep in the bowels of the game, is science. What is this science of which I speak? The cold, hard, indisputable science of recruiting. And buried within this science is the lab of mad scientist Joe Wetzel. In his lab, he's done the impossible. He's broken down recruiting class ranks and compared them to actual football results. If you've wondered how good of a job your school does with what they have - Joe Wetzel has the answers. He breaks down all the major conferences, and the Big East. Discuss if you will, but remember, this is science and therefore cannot be disputed.

Rumor has it that embattled Michigan AD Bill Martin missed out on the services of Les Miles because he was sailing all weekend. Miles (who behind closed doors in coaching circles is not known for his patience) responded by accepting an extension with LSU while Martin was out to sea. If this is true (and I read it on a blog, so it certainly is), Martin joins the proud tradition of failed watersports enthusiasts like John Kerry, R Kelly, and Brutus Beefcake.
Martin may take some heat over this, but he should really just be thankful he wasn't killed by pirates.

[Also, carrying this metaphor to its logical conclusion casts (sorry) Miles as a giant cantankerous marlin that kills old people, and who can't get behind that? --H.]

Gambling is about what's happening now, not what happened last week. If you're into history, go read a book. If you choose to follow the way of the degenerate, then you came to the right place. In the spirit of the holiday, I'm giving you (don't worry, I won't be swaddling you in smallpox dipped blankets) picks -- awesome ones! Let us eat.

USC @ Arizona State (+2.5)

The season began with USC being heralded as one of the greatest college teams of all time. It ends with them facing elimination from the Pac-10 title hunt at the hands of Arizona State on Thanksgiving night in this year's Tryptophan Bowl. What the Sun Devils are doing here is beyond me. They're like Lingering Uncle Larry at Thanksgiving Dinner. He gets invited because he has nowhere else to go but no one wants him there. He shows up early, reeking of dingy strippers, hugs your sisters a little too long, makes lewd remarks about your mom's boobs, and leaves last, but not before he cries about how lonely he is. Which is actually a prophetic description of Dennis Erickson. You did good, Dennis, really. But we know you're always looking for the BBD and none of this really matters to you anyway. It is a big deal to Pete, so stop harshing his vibe and git. USC by a TD.

Texas @ Texas A & M (+5)

For one day, every year, stuffing is king. When else would you reach into a turkey's poop shoot for your dinner? I don't see you wrist deep in a bird's ass in April, but it's Thanksgiving, so it's cool. Nothing says Happy Holidays like scooping grub out of a dirty bird's sweet spot for your beatifically smiling family. That's what this game is: It's stuffing. It's the only time this year when you can bear to watch these teams. The Longhorns' fanbase has been driven mad by inconsistentency all year. Some of the natives are even turning against Mack Brown who brought them a National Championship just 2 years ago. And then there's Coach Fran. Dear, sweet, misguided, Coach Fran. He may not be the worst coach in America, but he has to be the stupidest. And that's what this comes down to, for me. With a win, Coach Fran will be bowl eligible and he can leave with back to back wins over Texas, which is why I'm so sure Texas is going to roll here. Despite what you hear, Texas is not a bad team and their offense is coming around. They've been averaging 43 points a game over the last five, which is the number I see here: Texas, 43-10.
Bye, Coach Fran!

Alabama @ Auburn (-6)

This game is like the Thanksgiving cranberry sauce to me. I don't want to smell it, hear about it, or see it, yet year after year this shit is crammed down my throat. It's tart, slimy, and the crimson hue gives me the dry heaves. So does this game. I hear these teams don't care for each other. Based on the amount of vitriol I hear from both sides, I wish they'd both lose. The Tide are "led" by the erstwhile Napolean, Nick Saban who spent more time this week discovering new ways to become more loathsome than he did preparing for Tubs & The Gang. Tubs spent the week... honestly, who knows what he does? Doesn't matter. Auburn's just better. Tubs has never lost to Bama at home and the Tigers have won 5 in a row overall in the series. They make it 6 this year. Don't let the line scare you, take Auburn to cover.

Connecticut @ West Virginia (-17.5)

I checked 3 different sports books to confirm that this spread was accurate, and it is. This line put a smile on my face like a pumpkin pie in a vat of Cool Whip. The Huskies are third nationally in scoring defense and fifth in turnover margin. They're also 7-1 against the spread in their last 8. Couple that with Pat White's peculiar predilection for fumbling (and minor head injuries) and the fact that Steve Slaton is wearing down (he's averaged less than 4.5 YPC in 5 of 6 games) -- I see this as a dogfight down to the wire. West Virginia may win, but they're not walking away from UConn. Take the Huskies and the points. As a bonus in this game, the Total is set at 50.5. Don't know if that's points or couches ignited; regardless, take the Over.

Missouri @ Kansas (-2)

And now we come to the game of the week and the second oldest rivalry in college football. They call it the Border War, which is awesome, because it's been a pillow fight since its inception. This game hasn't meant anything since Mangino was an A-Cup ('twas the fall of '68). This year it's different with both teams competing for a Big 12 title and a shot at a National Championship. I prefer to call it the Crystal Meth War since both states are more famous for the copious cache of crank they gleefully (and toothlessly) produce. This year, that description is particularly apt since both teams are on a binge of revenge across the Big 12, leaving behind beaten bullies, body odor, and empty ammonia canisters. Both offenses average 42+ pts a game and boast two of the top QB's in the country. Since Missouri lost in Norman, they've rolled off 5 straight, topping 40 points in each. Regardless of what happens next, they are for real. Mount Mangino has done an amazing job with the Jayhawks. He's built a deadly offense (ranked #7 nationally) and a solid defense (ranked #8 nationally). The difference here is a matter of perspective. Kansas is going to play with fear, not of Missouri, but of losing and ruining a perfect season. This makes a team tight and I see them turning the ball over in critical situations. Missouri already lost and I see them playing without fear like they've got nothing to lose. Go with the Tigers here, in the game of the weekend.

Mistakes were made. Maybe you lost some cash, or the use of your left leg, or the privilege of your girlfriend's vagina, but hey, that's why they call it gambling. Now quit your crying and hobble over here; we're getting right back in the game. As any good degenerate knows, it's only when you're down that you get a taste of the life. They also know that when you're down you bet more money, on more games, in order to get well. It's like makeup sex, only better, because it lasts all weekend and you can do it with other dudes. You have my personal guarantee that these picks are (probably) impregnable.

Oregon @ Arizona (+ 12)

I can feel the lack of trust. It's OK. This is why I'm going to get you back on your feet right now and make this as simple as possible. Arizona is terrible and their coach is Mike Stoops. Oregon is good, really good. Their coach is... well forget that. Oregon isn't looking past the Cats this year either, since last year Arizona handed them their only loss of the season at Autzen in a humiliating 37-10 drubbing (Oregon was a 2 TD favorite). That's not going to happen again. Oregon's playing for a shot at a National Championship and Dennis Dixon is playing for a shot at the Heisman. Arizona is playing for the chance to save Mike Stoops' job. I'm sure they can't wait to play for that asshole for another year. This is your classic prison rape (ow!) game. Arizona will put up a fight early, realize it's useless, and by the second half, they'll be following the Ducks around holding onto their pocket like a good little punk. Nothing makes a Friday at the office/prison yard/massage parlor better than knowing you're already up, so wash the taste of failure out of your mouth and put $100 on Oregon.

West Virginia @ Cincinnati (+ 6.5)

The Mountaineers are coming to town and they're bringing Steve Slaton, the nation's #3 rushing attack, and a shitload of gasoline with 'em. They've outscored the Bearcats 80-24 over the last 2 seasons and their dominance will continue here. Slaton has rolled for 277 yards and six TD's over those 2 games. I'm sure you saw West Virginia's terrifying extended fumbling drills last week in the second half against Louisville, but have no fear, it was only a test. Sit back, relax, watch WFV dominate Cincinnati and be thankful your couch is spared.

Missouri @ Kansas State (+7)
Yes, please. Here's what you have to realize with Kansas State: Bill Snyder isn't walking through that door. Michael Bishop isn't walking through that door. Darren Sproles isn't walking through that door. Josh Freeman is, and he's fat.

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We all know people that are bad at their jobs; you may even be one of them. This is why it's fun to look at and make fun of people who are historically bad at their jobs. These are some of my favorites:

Franz Berliner, Captain, LZ 129 Hindenburg

Flew the world's largest balloon into the world's largest needle. Not sure what he was doing, but I don't think it takes hindsight to see that Franz was not watching where he was going. His poor floating skills singlehandedly brought down the entire Zeppelin Industry.

Mort Lipshitz, Fire Chief, Chicago 1870-1871

Far be it from me to tell a fireman how to do his job, but jesus, Lipshitz*, you gotta let the whole city burn? I know there are intangibles here, but generally the recipe for doing your job successfully is: see flames, add water. So you were saddled with horses, buggies, and lanterns, but come on, firefighting is no profession for excuses. You really dropped the ball here, brother. To add insult to injury, they've named a soccer team after your failure. You are on the Mt. Rushmore of fuck-ups.

Charlie Weis, Head Coach, Notre Dame

Charlie Chalupa's not just famous for his girth anymore. He's led the Irish to their worst season in school history. The offensive guru has also led this tactiley talented team to their worst offensive season in school history, which is no easy task. He compiles his failures with blind arrogance and the cocksure attitude of someone who's wildly successful at their job. He's being heavily rewarded for his failures too. No matter what he does from here on out in his coaching career, this season, this trainwreck, this audacious failure, will be his legacy. Chew on that, Charles.

M Beanie, Boy Toy Wrangler/Driver, George Michael

This job seems pretty easy -

Step 1: Find a fucktoy for a rich, faded, liquid-hipped pop chanteuse a couple times a week.

Step 2: ...

Step 3: Profit!

M was good at it too. He had Michael elbow deep in ass for a year. However, in an embarrassing parallel parking incident, Michael carped one time too many and his driver quit, leaving M holding the keys. When M was promoted to driver, things went to hell in a handbasket. In the past year alone, Mr. Michael's been arrested three times for drunk driving, twice for soliciting sex in a park (who knew that was illegal?), he's been to rehab twice, had Hoof & Mouth Disease once, and is now the more pathetic of the two (2) former members of Wham! This is a bad year and elevates Beanie instantly into the Hall of Fame.

Pam Ward, Broadcaster of Iowa football games, ESPN2

Pammy is not pretty. This is no crime, to be sure, but she sought out a career in television so I think this shows a tremendous lack of self-awareness. She also talks for a living and her voice is... unfortunate. Her voice has the deaf tones of a demolitions expert and all the warmth of a well digger's ass. To complete the hat trick, she talks about football for living and doesn't know anything about football, at all. She is positively the worst announcer in the history of man.

General Pickett, Confederate General, Battle of Gettysburg

You don't need to be a military strategist to see why this was the turning point in the Civil War (GO NORTH!!! WOOOO!!!). I've been to Gettysburg. I've seen the battlefield and I can tell you, it's no small jaunt. It's really flat, but it's a hell of a long way from one side to the other. I made it in cargo shorts and running shoes and I was tired and crabby as shit when I got to the other side. Also, I did it in March, not in July when Pickett made his hike. I can just imagine doing it with a musket and those fucking hideous wool unis! Were they a marching band or an army? Horrible fashion choice on their part, nearly as bad as their walk directly into the line of fire across that field. The Confederacy suffered a casualty rate of over 50%, many of which were Pickett's men. Pickett's Charge** was the beginning of the end for the South in the Civil War. Bad move, George.

Lucious Picard, Dialect Coach, Kevin Costner for Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Costner was doing what all American actors do when they're surrounded by "yes" men, he decided to take a role with an accent. The studio fearlessly cast the paunchy 40-ish rock hound as the young Brit Robin of Locksley. All they needed was someone to help the would-be archer to sound authentically British so they went with wunderkind Lucious Picard from the Royal Albert Hall of Drama. This did not go well. Costner's accent came and went like a Yorkshire breeze; when it was good it was bad and when it was bad it was awesome. Sadly, unintentional comedy is not what they were going for and Picard spends these days replying to Madonna's fan mail using "British sounding words".

* Mort would be higher on this list (or lower?) but he made the best bratwurst chili in the history of man. This cannot be discounted.

** Pickett's Charge inspired the Lost Cause, which was one of Beck's best singles from his "mopey period".

Addictions are funny if you really think about it. It's been my experience that people get addicted to things they're really bad at. This is where I come in. Today, I'm going to help the gambling degenerates out there. I don't want you to stop. I don't want to make you a better person. I just want you to be a better gambler. This is for the college kid who maxed out his first Capital One card (awwww.....), the guy who lives in his Chevy Malibu but has to stay on the move so the repo man doesn't take it, and for the n00bs who always wanted to gamble but didn't know how. There's something for everyone. It's so simple, you'll love it!

Illinois @ Ohio State (-15)

This is the unstoppable force against the immovable object. Illinois has the nation's 6th best rush offense and tOSU has the nation's top defense. That might look like a lot of points, but it's not. You've got the Zooker, in Columbus, with Juice Williams at the helm against the #1 team in the country. Now that the Buckeyes have the offense rolling, this is a lock. This is a low risk way to wet your appetite and make you feel like a gangster. I'm giving it a "throw you up against the wall in an alley next to a dumpster" rating - this game's for everyone, even the kids. Put a dime on the Buckeyes, collect your cash, and you're gamblin'! It's so simple.

Alabama @ Mississippi State (+5)

Saban will not be Croomed. I know, Mississippi State is nearly bowl eligible, but take a hard look at them and they're a picture mediocrity - offense, defense, special teams, and coaching. Gambling is about numbers and the (mildly) important number on this game is 21 -- it's (not even close to) the most points the Bulldogs have scored all season and it's the least amount of points the Tide have scored. In just his first year, 'Lil Napolean is already working his dark magic on the Tide. This is a "bat to the knee" game. It’s ugly but you can recover from it. Put half your weekly salary on ‘Bama to cover.

Florida @ South Carolina (+6.5)

What good is genius if you can’t help others understand it? Steve Spurrier is arguably the best offensive mind in college sports but he appears to have come to a point in his life when he’s completely unable to communicate his vision to his players. If you’ve watched the ‘Cocks you know what I’m talking about. A play isn’t brilliant when it’s drawn up; it’s brilliant when it’s been executed on the field. I haven’t seen any brilliance out of South Carolina for weeks. They won early this season playing good defense and scoring however many points they needed to win. All of that appears to be lost now. This team is a fucking mess and the Gators are not the team you want to see at a time like this. If USC can’t figure out that you have to put 10 guys in the box to stop Arkansas, how are they going to stop Tebow? You might think Tebow is out of the Heisman race, after this game, you would be wrong. I’d rate this a solid "two-thumber". You might get your thumbs broken, but if you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks. Do you want to be a gambler or not? Find the seediest bar you can, ask for a bookie, and put your girlfriend/life partner/roommate's coffee can cash on Florida.

Auburn @ Georgia (-2)

This talk of Tubs going to A&M will fall on dear ears. Auburn is well aware of what happened last season when Brandon Cox threw 4 pics and they got hammered by Georgia. That’s not going to happen again. Georgia’s running game has looked great the last few weeks when Mark Richt remembered that 1 back is better than 3. Sadly, he’s facing the meanest motherfucking defensive line in all of the land on Saturday. Auburn is a bad match up for the Georgia so be prepared for a piss poor effort from the Dogs between the hedges this week. If you like to watch pretty girls cry, tune in to Athens around mid-point in the 4th quarter where there will be more ugly beautiful than you can imagine. Put a month's bar tab on Dumbo to beat the Dogs outright. [no catchy rating for this game, apparently.—ed.]

Arkansas @ Tennessee

This game is not for the faint of heart. If you think you know what’s going to happen here, you’d be lying to yourself. These teams are both so inconsistent that it makes their fans physically ill to watch them. With Arkansas, you’ve got the jaw-dropping talent of Darren McFadden who may just win the Heisman based on his 321 yard output last week against South Carolina. Additionally, the Razorbacks have Felix Jones who’s also run for 1,000 yards, on exactly half the carries of McFadden. They may be the best tandem I’ve ever seen… and their team is 2-3 in the conference. This is the story of Houston Nutt. On the other side of the ball you’ve got Philip Fulmer and his band of merry men, who look alternately awesome [see: Georgia game], terrible [see: Florida game], and disinterested [see: Mississippi State game]. If you’re picking this game, you’re not taking the team to win, so much as you’re taking Neyland to be the difference here. Take Tennessee, but before you do, look at the next game, because we’re going with a parlay here.

Arizona State @ UCLA (+7)

Don’t ever bet on a Pac-10 game. Just don’t do it. It will only end in tears and shattered extremities. This is particularly true when you’re talking about a game featuring Karl Dorrell. He’s like an abusive father to Bruins Nation. Beat BYU! Get crushed by Utah. Then in an attempt to get back their love, he treated them to wins over Washington and Oregon State! Then he slipped and broke their heart by losing to Notre Dame. Such is the psychology of the abusive relationship. He then "bought Bruins Nation a new bike" by beating Cal and quickly backed over it in the driveway by losing to Washington State. They cried and he slapped them around for it by losing to Arizona. UCLA’s remaining 3 games are against ASU, Oregon, and USC. I can promise you he will win one of them, in a last ditch effort to make them love him again… but not this week. The Sun Devils lost for the first time last week in a spirited tussle in Eugene but I think you go with them to cover the 7. This isn’t so much a vote of confidence to Dennis Erickson as it is a vote against Karl Dorrell. Now, here’s the fun part! Take whatever you can afford to lose, double it, and put it on Arizona State and Tennessee to win in a 2 team parlay. This is also cool, because just as the Pac-10 game starts, the SEC game will be ending. For 6 straight hours your heart will be racing. Nutt! Dorrell! Fulmer! Erickson! It will be like the longest game of Russian Roulette ever. Enjoy!

It's the last call for Da U at the Orange Bowl this Saturday night when Miami hosts Virginia under the lights. I'm not a 'Canes fan but I'm a football fan and if I had to name my most vivid college football memories, half of them would be housed at the OB.

The '84 National Championship Game: Greatest game I ever saw. The call Osborne made to go for 2 at the end was like a perfect storm of stones, musk, and arrogance [for the young pups, see: Miles, Les]. This is the game that hooked me on college football and it's an addiction I'm still battling today.

The '87 Orange Bowl: Brian Bosworth stalked the sidelines while on suspension from the team sporting a wicked haircut and wearing a t-shirt that spelled out N.C.A.A. with the words National Communists Against Athletes. On the field, the Sooners laid the wood to Arkansas 42-8 but all I remember is the Boz and his stance against the man, trying to hold a brother down.

The Brawl and The Call: Not one word needs to be said.

It's not just about the games, it's about the fear, loathing, and feral atmosphere that permeates the old joint. When they come out of the tunnel, I used to wonder if it wasn't fog at all, but rather a blizzard of crack smoke. The electricity in the air isn't something synthetic (unless you count the fans, players, coaches, and broadcasters fueled on Charlie and Cris) either. There appears to be something very real that turns people into maniacs with a riot mentality when they enter the hallowed walls of that place. It may look like it's on death's door, with the crumbling walls, dilapidated toilets, and mysterious yellow fluid that leaks from its bowels, but if you look her in the eye, there's still a fire raging in there that will take all you got, all night long, and laugh in your face when you're done. Kind of like Peter O'Toole.

But thanks to criminal city management, fiscal nightmares, and $2 whore, Donna Shalalalalala, the OB is shutting her doors. What's worse, the 'Canes' new home will be Dolphins Stadium. The thought of the 'Canes playing in that synthetic place makes me sick. The concessions serve tater salad and tapioca; it's like a goddamned nursing home. Look what it's done to the Dolphins! But alas, this isn't about the future, it's about the past, so this weekend, when you're tailgating, whether you're at a game or on the couch, do a rail of blow and pour a little out for a fallen homey. You don't have to love her, but you gotta respect her.

Recognize.

Orson Swindle can't be here today as he's in the Himalayas attempting to become the first man to solo climb the North Ridge of K2 in chamois pants and a bucket hat. Please send him to the summit with your best thoughts. Guest hosting today and tomorrow will be EDSBS token double X chromosome, Holly, from Snarkastic and Ladies... and the lovely, talented, and startlingly virile jebushchrist from Black Heart Gold Pants. Please feel free to treat them as you would Mr. Swindle, but with significantly diminished expectations of humor.

The Mgmt