Watching sports is the only way many of us connect with the world. It's why the NFL has a trillion dollars and why college teams are shifting around like a seaman with crabs. That's the unspoken ingredient in the popularity of sports: connectivity. I hate crowds, gatherings, people with short legs, and strangers. I don't like to go places and if you just show up at my home unannounced I'll only answer the door to toss hot coffee in your eyes like an overstimulated Miggs. I'm not a bad person. It's just my way. But football allows people like me to connect with millions of people at once. We're all watching the game at the same time. We're sharing moments. Every game has that critical play where it's decided. It doesn't matter what side you're on. At that moment, all of us are together, feeling... something. It's when we're most human. Alive. That's why watching the Iowa/Iowa State game last week was one of the most visceral experiences I've ever felt. It touched me on a level that can't be reached any other way. No matter how good or bad the result was I'll never stop wanting it to happen again and no matter how much it hurts it's why I love the game.

And gambling intensifies the effect.

To the bets!

Continue reading this post »

Really Looking Forward To The Picks, You Guys

Things went swimmingly last week! Not only did I get to taste the Bold Flavors of success with a winning bet on Boise and my futures looking excellent but I also got to lose (fucking Les Miles*) which is just as important. Being right is easy. I'm always right and that poses no challenges. Maybe that's why I decided to start gambling again. I want to be wrong. I want to be challenged. I want to look death in the eye and laugh. You're never more alive than when you're watching the last 12 seconds of a game and you know if the Saints score you lose money that you've already spent in your head. THERE'S $19 AT STAKE HERE I AM A GOLDEN GOD!

To the bets!

* I didn't actually fuck Les Miles but I bet he'd be a devious and thirsty lover. Can you imagine?

Continue reading this post »

(Original Photo Credit: Rebekka Brown / Iowa State Daily)

Hey, Cyclone fan. I know it's been awhile. Sorry about that. Let me make it up to you with a gift. It's the best kind of gift because it's one you didn't know you needed.

"What will you do, Jebus?"

I'm going to make your momma love me like she loves Mark Harmon.

We'll meet cute at Walmart. I'll ask her what time she gets off and treat her to a cup of coffee. I'll pretend I don't notice the velcro on her Reeboks and she'll pretend she doesn't know great my ass looks. It'll start out slow. I don't want her to think I think she's easily had. She's not a trick. She's a lady. I'll casually drop in to see her near the end of her next shift, not the beginning. You see, I want her greeting every new customer with "Hello, welcome to Walmart..." as she strains like a plump little prairie dog to see if I'm coming through that door. After me, her previously fake bubbly greeting will now be drenched in sadness just like the greasy meatball sandwiches from the Subway she devours on her 15 minute breaks. The sandwiches have lost their luster, just like her greeting, because she got a little taste of me. Have no fear! I'll lift her spirits by buying her a new Beanie Baby for the back window of her Chevy Malibu. I'll attach a note saying, "Fish fry with your guy?"

It's game over right there, son. But I'm not done yet.

Continue reading this post »

[Oh come on, what happened to "no politics"?--ed] 

I've decided to start gambling again. I get the urge every football season but I don't follow through. I'm not talking about an office pick 'em. I'm talking about dumping actual money into a market that's currently more volatile than Wall Street: Online Bookmakers. You may have heard about a couple online poker sites getting raided by Uncle Sam and a few sports books getting hammered as well so I figured now was a great time to get back in the game. You may choose to call me and my associates degenerates, and that's fine. As humans we're comforted by labeling and categorization. If it makes you feel better then call me names. I won't run from them nor will I hide in back alleys and seedy bars looking for a guy to take my action*. I'm unashamed as I stand before you, naked from the waist down, with a handful of green and the desire to prove that I know more than Vegas. This is what's going to happen. I'm going start with a stake, let's say $100. I'm going to place bets in the amount of 3%. We'll call those Harmons. I will win every bet and when the season concludes, this guy (who does not own his own home and lives in Minnesota) is going to buy a wave runner, in January. What else would a degenerate do? I will post (on a semi-regular basis) about my delicious victories and you can enjoy the sweet smell of success through the wonders of the internet.

To the bets!


* Your glossary of sweet gambling terms begins now. I will stymie you with a dizzying array of lingo matched only by the likes of Shakespeare and Snoop [ooh! A Snoop reference. Really got your thumb on the pulse there, JHC!--ed]

Continue reading this post »

Hey, Cyclone fan? Listen up, I'm about to tell you what's happening this weekend. Make no mistake, you're powerless to stop it, so don't despair, but it will be more satisfying if you know in advance so here you go, mother fucker.

I'm coming to Ames this weekend and I'm bringin' hell with me. We're going to join the rest of the Iowa fans (which will number near 50,000) and we will tailgate at your asphalt shitbucket of a stadium. There will be booze, flip cup (instructions included since you don't even know what it is you fucking douchebags), and fun. After the tailgate, we will go in to watch the game which will be a beating like you haven't suffered at our hands since the days of Fry. But this isn't about that, it's about this. I'm going to fuck your momma.

After the game, I will bid farewell to my friends, leave the stadium, and go to your worst bar, most likely the Whiskey River. I will belly up, drink 7 bourbons (neat), and I will look into the dingy corner where your momma will be seated. When I'm good and soused, I will stroll over and proceed to flirt with her like Peter O'Toole on a dare. I will tell her stories of passion and warfare. I will grin, lightly caress her hip, and when the time is right, I'll show her the irresistible dimple on the right side of my face and I will guide her out of the basement lounge where she drinks away the disappointment of your existence.

I will take her to dinner at Hickory Park and tell her to order anything she likes from the right side of the menu. I will regale her with tales of joy, life and love. I will lift her spirits to dangerous heights she has not experienced since the day before your conception. I will butter her muffins, wipe the gravy from her Rosacead chin with my kerchief, and I will allow her to order an after dinner toddy. As I guide her from the log cabin restaurant with my mighty paw at the small of her sweaty back she will dreamily say, "I feel just like Elizabeth Taylor" and I will reply, "you smell like White Diamonds, darling".

We will then travel to your childhood home where she still resides. Along the way I will engage her in flirty talk drenched in enough Bond-like sexual innuendo that her dusty britches will be on the verge of spontaneously combusting. We will enter your childhood home and glide down the hallway into your room. I will put on a Mac Davis record, tell her to slip into something more comfortable (and polyester), and I will turn down your piss stained sheets. When she returns smelling of desperation, lust, and rank Tabu she will clumsily crawl into your John Deere tractor bed. She will attempt to make provocative sex sounds like a heated stray cat but I will shush her briskly, dim the lights, and I will walk over to your childhood dresser (which still has photos of Fred Hoiberg and Johnny Orr displayed proudly with your 4-H medals). I will then open your top drawer and empty 8 pints of Hawkeye whiskey onto your socks. I will piss with a fury the likes of which have never been seen. When the last trickle of bourbon, beer, and human waste flows from my loins, onto your socks, and splashes onto the floor, I will laugh a hearty laugh, turn to your momma, and I will say, "suck on that, Cyclone momma." I will then leave her there in your childhood bed, go back to the bar, and tell this story to your daddy, who will still be seated at the table polishing off the pitcher of warm Miller Lite I left behind.
See you Saturday, mother fucker.

We have no control over the procedures followed, the actions of the administration, or the athletes at the University of Iowa. As troubled as we may be by the events that transpired in Iowa City over the past year, it's not why any of us are here. We're jesters; jesters who love to talk about football. That's why we started this blog and that's what we're getting back to. Stay tuned for football.

The Iowa state Board of Regents had their emergency meeting today, in Iowa City, with only one issue on the agenda. The issue was an investigation into the alleged sexual assault at the Hillcrest Residence Hall at the university. The Press-Citizen has the details here. I watched the live feed on the internet and I'd like to hit a few points that struck me.

1) The Board was displeased that the letter from the alleged victim's mother was not made available to them when they formed their original investigation. Regents President David Miles called it a "serious breach of trust".

Indeed.

2) Miles then said that the letter should not only have been provided to the regents, it should have formed a "roadmap" for the investigation itself.

Logic rears its head!

3) University of Iowa President, Sally Mason, then read a prepared statement:

"Let me begin by expressing my profound and sincere regret for the failure to notify you of the letters that came to the University of Iowa from the mother of the UI student who reported being sexually assaulted last fall in Hillcrest Residence Hall. I apologize for this error and for not making certain that the board had access to all information relevant to this case."

"The original thinking that federal law known as FERPA, designed to protect student privacy, prevented the letter from being shared with our Board of Regents leadership is just not tenable. There is no excuse for the failure to turn over those letter as part of the investigation that you directed the Board of Regents office to conduct in the wake of the report of the assault.

I'm not a lawyer, but I do have the Internet and serviceable intellect. The FERPA Law was created to protect a college student's right to to keep their grades private. For Mason to cite this as the reason that they withheld the letter from the regents' investigation is specious, at best, and at worst, a deliberate lie. Citing FERPA as grounds to withhold details of a student's sexual assault is remarkably disingenuous.

"I will make it clear to all member of my administration that our obligation to maintain the privacy of student records should never be interpreted as preventing us from sharing information that you request in pursuit of your governance responsibilities.

"To ensure that you are able to pursue those responsibilities in this particular case, I welcome any additional process that you wish to set in motion. You will have the full cooperation of the UI faculty, staff and administrators. I trust that your further review will show that those involved in this case at the UI worked hard to follow the established policies and procedures under very difficult circumstances. I welcome and look forward to insight that will provide opportunities to improve our policies, processes, and the execution of both.

"Once you have completed your work on this case, I intend to engage independent outside expertise to examine our overall handling of all sexual assault cases. The results will be informed by best practices in higher education, and the expert and his or her findings will be shared with the board. We must, and we will, demonstrate that we continue to be an institution with integrity and with an abhorrence to violence. While we can hope that we will never again have to deal with such tragic and horrific cases, hard experience teaches us that we must be prepared.

Moving forward, she intends to cooperate with the investigation and at the conclusion of the investigation, she's going to use this as a learning experience to do better next time. Based on recent experience, I've little doubt there will be a next time.

"Finally, I offer my heartfelt sympathy to the young woman and her family for the stress, the trauma, and the sense of abandonment that they have expressed. From my observations of this situation throughout, I can say, honestly and sincerely, that many people tried very, very hard to help and be helpful. Good intentions, and even good actions, cannot, however, make up for what has happened."

Sally Mason had the microphone and one chance to finally do the right thing and she failed, miserably. I won't claim to be unbiased, but I also won't remain silent on the closing of her statement. When she said the family's "sense of abandonment that they have expressed", she's acting as though their feelings are unwarranted, as though it's a figment of their imagination that they've been brushed off by the university. Further, her claim that "many people tried very, very hard to help and be helpful" was incredibly insensitive, as though the victim's assault turned out to be a lot of work for the university. She put them in a spot of bother! There were many things happening at the university since the incident occurred, but I see none that were initiated to help the victim.  I'm not the victim, or her family, and I won't pretend to know how they feel. I do know how Mason's statement made me feel, and that feeling was revulsion. "Good intentions"? Really?

4) The advisory committee slated to perform the investigation will be headed by former Iowa attorney general, Bonnie Campbell. The investigation is to be concluded by September 18th, 2008.

This is my one hope. When it comes to the rights of victims of violent crime, Bonnie Campbell does not play. The regents are sending a message that, moving forward,  they're going to do everything they can to get their questions answered.

One final point that bears mentioning: The Board of Regents does not have subpoena power when conducting an investigation. So, as much as I'm heartened by the fact that Bonnie Campbell is heading this investigation, I'm also not convinced she'll be able to get results. Will she be stonewalled with denials and "I can't recalls"? Time will tell.

If you haven't already heard, the Satterfield/Everson sexual assault case has already become much uglier. The Press-Citizen published a letter from the alleged victim's mother to University of Iowa officials on Saturday. Her letter was dated November 19, 2007, five weeks after the incident occurred, and five days after the University of Iowa publicly acknowledged an investigation. If even half the letter's claims are true, the University of Iowa's reputation and integrity must be called into question. We won't force the minutiae and details on our readers here. If you want that, you can read the P-C article here, and OPS covered the serious questions raised here.

With that, please, an aside. When we started this enterprise a year ago, we never envisioned a day when we'd have to write about something nearly as serious as this. And though it makes us sick to talk about it, it's not something we, as a community, can continue to ignore. A young woman was damaged in a way that no one can repair, and as if the incident itself wasn't bad enough, she was damaged again and again by the people at the university who were supposed to protect her.

The following is an open letter to them. Within this letter, we're providing them their only possible response. It's no solution. There's no redemption here. Things at the University of Iowa are bad, tragically so, but it's time to drag our ugliness into the light. 

To: Sally Mason, UI President, Gary Barta, UI AD, Fred Mims, UI Associate AD, Betsy Altmaier, representative on the Presidential Committee of Athletics, and Kirk Ferentz, UI Head Football Coach.
 
This must have been a long nightmare for all of you. We don't envy any of you, nor do we know what it's like to be in your position. Further, we do not hold you responsible for what happened to that young woman. This isn't about that. This is about everything after. From the moment the victim personally relayed the incident to you, until now, you've done the wrong thing, every step of the way.
 
How any of you can look yourself in the mirror is unfathomable. You're supposed to be leaders. You're supposed to be educators. You're supposed to be a family. Yet when you had an opportunity to do the right thing, you did the wrong thing. You didn't look out for the victim. You didn't look out for her family. You didn't even look out for the players involved. You just tried to cover it up and make it all go away. You thought suspensions and transfers would suffice in lieu of actual punishment. But that's over now. No more cover up. No more denials. No more "no comments". No more disingenuous prepared statements. It's time to do the right thing.
 
Here's the new plan: Resign, all of you. That's non-negotiable. We trusted you with our children and you betrayed us. You've shamed the state of Iowa, the university, the athletic department, the fans, and yourselves. Every day you continue to be employed at the University of Iowa is a day that the UI tells the world that at this school, integrity takes a back seat to PR at all costs. This isn't a football issue, this is a human issue. All of you need to start over, elsewhere, and preferably not in a profession that leaves the well-being of young adults as part of your responsibilities. You don't have to admit that you did anything wrong, just that you're ready to do something right. 
 
Next, you need to cooperate with the investigation and do everything in your power to see that justice is properly served. The truth works best in situations like this - try it. If given the opportunity to go back to that October day when you first heard of the assault, I'm sure all of you would do things differently, but you can't do that. No one associated with this incident is ever going to feel good about it, but the first step to making things better is in your hands, so let's all move forward and start by putting the best interests of that young woman first. Nothing else matters.

The Staff of BHGP

Let's pretend the Spring Game just happened. Also, instead of writing a post, I filed this one using Microsoft's Windows Mobile Post. If you listen to it, you'll be able to hear the dulcet tones of one JHC. As an added bonus, you'll get to hear my lisp, which I didn't know I had until I listened to this post.
Enjoy!

The fat has been trimmed from the steak, we're finally here - It's the finals! This is what we're voting on.

Today: Lady vs. Scamp!

PROS:  Exterminator. Impersonator. Coffee lover. Laborer.

CONS: Not even an Iowan, she's from Minnesota. Frequently rolls around on floor.

PROS: Inventor. Educator. Historian. Mother Fucker.

CONS: Too passionate. Too handsome [see: above].

I aint got time to bleed!

I'm back at BHGP HQ after a few days on the road. It's been a difficult and amazing weekend - but it's not over. The games continue and if you're a real fan, so does your intensity. So your bracket's busted. So the Bulldogs blew it. So your liver's bleeding. Cry me a river. You can bleed all you want from April to August. Real fans watch games on Sunday too. Oh, and Easter? You lose. Hell, have a beer if you want. You won't be judged here. It's Marchifornication and this train doesn't stop.  
Thread is open.  

This is what we're voting on. Today: The Man vs. The Media!

PROS: Our very first fake interview. Brought out the Zook Hook. Wants you to get Better and Better. Ruined College Football Insider. Is rollin.

CONS: He probably violated Jebus.

PROS: Founder of BHGP. Undisputed king of liveblogs. Doesn't wear pants. Drinks. May be carrying the Zooker's dumpling love child.

CONS: Eliminated his son in 1st round without remorse. Has inappropriate and disturbing obsession with mascots. Doesn't wear pants.

Marchifornication continues with your East Regional preview.  Warning: this is your last chance to join the BHGP Super Terrific Happy Fun Marchifornication Bracket Challenge (Group #5862, password is gornstar) - do it now. And if you joined and didn't fill our your bracket (you know who you are), do so now. Cool?
To the preview!

[regional seeds in bold.--ed.]

Big head; little arms.

#16 Mount St. Mary's - The Mountaineers are on a hot streak, winning their conference tournament and the play-in game. I hope they're feeling good now, because they're about to feel bad. How bad? Like using a needle from a hospital dumpster to shoot up bad. 100% of Yahoo users picked against them. Think about that. You couldn't get 100% of a group to agree that boobs are awesome, yet there isn't 1 person with any doubt that North Carolina is going to win. Mount St. Mary's: The Great Uniter!

#1 North Carolina - Simply the best. They're top ranked in the polls. #1 in the country in offensive efficiency. They have the best player in Tyler Hansbrough. They don't cheat. They don't even shit. It's true: North Carolina players don't poo. They're as close to perfect as you get in this tournament. I can't make an argument for another team in this region representing the East in the Final Four so stick with the Tar Heels.
I'll continue with the preview anyway.

You wearing the Nikes daddy sent you? puurrrrrrrr...

#8 Indiana - The Hoosiers are a hot mess. A brief history in time:

• They fire Bob Knight, the greatest coach in college sports history.
• Then, they fire his replacement, Mike Davis, just a couple years removed from the Final Four.
• They replace Davis with Kelvin Sampson, cheater.
• They quickly fire Sampson for, you guessed it, more spirited cheating.

I don't get this. It's like dating a stripper and breaking up with her for having too many ones in her snatch at the end of the night. The guy has a crippling addiction to his phone. I know people like this. It's a silent killer. He needs help. And now, so does, Dan Dakich, who's about to be fired. It's not because of a lack of talent - Eric Gordon and Big Ten POY DJ White are one of the most talented one-two punches in the country. The problem is their consistency, in so much as they consistently play down to the level of their opponent. They can't beat Carolina, so let's move on.

#9 Arkansas - I watched 11 seconds of Arkansas this year, which coincidentally, was the exact length of Dana Altman's tenure with the Hogs.

(deeper into the mascot's hole...)

Continue reading this post »

Marchifornication would not be complete without a preview of every team in the field from the expert staff here at BHGP. I'm kicking it off with a hard-boiled look at the West Region. You're welcome!

[regional seeds in bold.--ed.]

Thems mah bitches.

#16 Mississippi Valley State - Probably shouldn't be in the field, but as long as they hand out tickets to conference tournament champs, teams that suck will be at the dance. Their mascot was the final cut from the touring production of Ladybugs on Ice. Also, they played the improbably named Bellhaven College this year.

#1 UCLA Bruins - They won 31 games on their way to their 3rd straight Pac 10 title. Their average margin of victory was 15 points. They won every title between 1950 and 1970. Kevin Love's uncle was in the Beach Boys. Those are all common known facts about UCLA. Here's what you need to know:

• The Bruins were in the top 5 in both offensive and defensive efficiency
• John Stamos was not an original member of the Beach Boys
• Mississippi Valley State sucks
• Ben Howland is 9-2 at UCLA in the NCAA Tournament

UCLA looks like a Final Four team to me.

Diversity University.

#8 BYU - Not just an overrated football school anymore. The Cougars won 15 of 17 down the stretch. For the first time in school history there's no one named Young on the team. Really, really, white; but still good enough to win a game.  

#9 Texas A&M - This is a wildly talented and ridiculously undisciplined team. They're like a box of chocolates, they look delicious but once you dig in they're horrible (fuck off, Gump). No shot at beating UCLA.

Big Red, in happier times.

#12 Western Kentucky - Their mascot is a sex addict.

#5 Drake - The most unselfish team I've ever seen and a lot more talented than they're given credit for. If you play a zone, they'll bomb you to death. If you man up, they spread the floor and drive to the hole at will. No bigs but they rebound through hustle and positioning. The Bulldogs will make themselves known in this tournament, and it starts with Western Kentucky and their sexually prolific mascot, Big Red.

(read more...)

Continue reading this post »

Friend of the site and man about town, Orson Swindle, is a real journalist now. He's done the unthinkable and left the basement to cover actual sporting events. While it's great for fans to hear a brilliant writer offer a fresh perspective on games - Mother Nature is not amused. He's covering the SEC Tournament this weekend for The Sporting Blog (if you haven't read it, check it out - Chris Mottram is there as well) and while he was enjoying rubbing elbows with Uncle Verne and The Raf, Mother Nature came along and tore things to shreds. Check out his report of the events here. Thankfully, Herr Swindle is OK, but let's have a good thought for the families and friends of those who are not.

Also, be sure to stop by tomorrow for a liveblog during the NCAA Tournament selection show where we'll have biting commentary about the brackets, tomfoolery, and Funyuns.

That just happened. Not exactly a "march" on San Antonio. Perhaps "stagger" back to Iowa City is more fitting? The loss today was every bit as ugly as the entire season. You could show today's game to someone who hasn't watched a second of Iowa basketball this year and they would know. They'd just know. The inconsistent defense and turnovers may not have been enough to lose it today, so we added a new weapon to the mix. That weapon? Getting Cyrus Tate to the free throw line 17 times. See, this is bad, on account of Cyrus being one of the worst free throw shooters in school history. We went over 16 minutes in the second half with no field goals -- none -- and just 8 made free throws. It was hard to watch, like the entire season, and now it's mercifully over.

Where do we go from here? Well, for starters, we can officially separate ourselves from the 2007 football season and the 07-08 basketball season. For me personally, they were collectively the most painful seasons of my lifetime. The only thing worse than their seasons, was the decision to start an Iowa Hawkeye blog in the midst of them. Bad move. But we're not quitting! Quite the contrary. We've only just begun. Letting go of last year's [you're already calling it "last year"? wow.--ed.] baggage will feel good. It'll be therapeutic. That's where we come in. This thread is the place for you to dump your bile, hate, and vitriol at the 07-08 football and basketball seasons. Scream, holler, and caterwaul at the gods. Say things you don't mean. Let it out. Then we're going to put it to rest here and move on to good happy stuff, like the NCAA Tournament, the upcoming Spring Game, and American Idol.

Here's your forum. Go.

I wasn't kidding - Iowa's going to win the Big 10 Tournament and their march on San Antonio begins today with a win against Michigan. I could preach about how this is going to happen, but I won't do that. Only 1 fact is relevant here - Iowa has the best tournament record of any Big 10 team at Conseco Fieldhouse. Anything else is superfluous (and totally damaging to my theory) and I refuse to discuss it.

Join us today for commentary on the game, the first signs of March daytime drunkenness, and a special appearance by J Leman [seriously?--ed.] [probably not, but teasers always lie.--JHC.].

Go Hawkeyes!!!!!

[First off, let us congratulate Hey, Jenny Slater for their win as Funniest Sports Blog in the CFBAS. Good show! Also, as Marchifornication rolls on, we're going to loosen things up with a little non sports freestylin' that the kids so adore. Enjoy!]

Hey, Crazy-Eyed Coffee Barista at Starbucks - You creep me the fuck out and I'm not the only one. Don't tell me you can't see it too. It doesn't take Daphne Blake to figure this shit out. No one wants to get in your line because of your fucking Manson Lamps, Sis. Maybe they won't say anything but I will. All I want is a little coffee and a brief respite from life, nothing more. If I could, I'd get my coffee from a robot. This is actually not a bad idea, they wouldn't even have to talk. You could just tap a few buttons, like, you know, a cash register? Then the robot could be all "do do doooo- beep bong--blurpityy bloop!" and bring you your Venti Skinny Decaf Macadamia Nut Iced Chai Soy Latte. I bet R2D2 wouldn't try to burn your hand with boiling coffee when it slid it across the bar at you either, nor would it try to make you give it a dollar because it just handed you a cup of coffee which cost you $5.07. But I digress.

I have to ask, do you honestly not notice that the plain girl with the mismatched socks always has at least 7 people in her line and you never have more than 1? It's not because we feel like standing in a line. She's not exactly fabulous, and to be honest, I'm a little tired of her game as well, now that you mention it. If I liked the smell of damp wool, bitter coffee, and granola-laced piss, I'd hang out with Bear Grylls. Why are her socks always wool? Why are they mismatched? That's not ironic. It's sad. How do you think the socks feel (other than damp from sweating out last night's cloves and cosmos)? They never know when they're gonna be in action. They're like a pair of desperate migrant workers, standing on the corner, hoping they'll get picked, so they can ride to the farm in the back of an old pick-up, only to work all day for pocket change and an orange for lunch*. As if their life isn't hard enough, you have to split them up? Not cool, Socks. Not cool at all. But that being said, you're a fucking breath of fresh air compared to Saucers.

So you've been there like, what, a year now? I've only been in your line 4 times. Does this seem odd to you? Do you think I come in there for your eyes to burn a hole in my face? So, your eyes are fucked up, deal with it. Wear an eye patch or a monocle, I don't give a fuck, but your eyes aren't my problem so get that shit correct, High-Beams. The least you could do is handle your job with a little pluck. I mean, when I have had the misfortune to come in your line it's been a disaster every time. The first time you were all "I can help someone over here..." and I waited because I was in the back of the line and I assumed someone ahead of me would go over. I should have known there was a problem when they collectively tried to look busy all of a sudden. They're grabbing their cells and looking at the nearest free paper like it's their rich uncle's will. So I came over to your line and you were all "HEY!" and I was all 'hey' and then I ordered a coffee and you said you were out. I knew then it wasn't going to work out for us.

(please sir, could I have some more?)

Continue reading this post »

We're a bad basketball team - inconsistent offensively, defensively, and we've been positively listless for the past 2 weeks. When coupled with the... "misfortunes" of the football team, on and off the field, we've been through the most trying season of my lifetime as a Hawkeye. One would think all hope is lost - but one would be wrong.

See, Marchifornication is here and all of that is about to change. We still have a chance to get into the NCAA Tournament. I'm not high. I'm serious! The Big Ten Tournament is coming and the conference is just bad enough that we could actually win it. Take a look at the conference and find me an unbeatable team. We beat Michigan State and Ohio State. We had narrow losses to Indiana, Wisconsin, and Purdue (by a total of 10 points combined). Unlikely? Yes. Unpossible? No.

I know things look bad. I probably know this better than most of you because I've watched every game, and discussed them ad nauseum. Admittedly, I've said some things I (probably) shouldn't have recently but I'm a passionate man and things get away from me at times. But that unpleasantness is in the past, man. We're all about moving forward here! We can do this!

Coach Lick's not giving up.

Jake Kelly's not giving up.

I'm not giving up.

Adam Haluska's not giving up!

March has returned, and along with it, hope. So don't you quit on us! Don't you do it. This isn't the end of anything, it's the beginning. Get on board now and we can laugh at the naysayers later. Who's with me?

Marchifornication is coming and you're powerless to stop it. Don't be scurrred - the best way to handle something that's dangerous and morally wrong is to join up, like a street gang. February was the greatest and best month in BHGP history [other than January.--ed.] and March is going to slap the shit out of February, so, mount up, guys and dolls, because now this is happenin'.

What is Marchifornication, JHC?

I can't tell you everything yet, but let me just say that Marchifornication will be the greatest and best month in Sports Blog History. [oh dear.--ed.] There will be gambling, outlandish claims of superiority, daily posts [um... have you talked to OPS about this?--ed.] [I don't have to talk to him! I'm the founder of this site!.--JHC.] [ Co-founder, and infrequent contributor.--ed.] [I comment!--JHC.] [this is gonna be grand...--ed.] [OH! IT WILL BE! IT WILL RULE THE WORLD!!!--JHC.] [gotcha.--ed.], liveblogs, comment thread slap fights, recipes, blog wars, and no pants, at all.
I've already said too much. More details later.

JHC

Who'll get our stew going now?

Shocking news out of Iowa City today as longtime Iowa assistant Carl Jackson is hanging up the whistle. I'm sure you'll read all about what a big loss it is, but I'm actually pretty stoked about this. If you look at what he's been able to contribute to cinema working part-time, you can only imagine what he can do if he let's the acting bug take over and does it full-time.

I'll never forget the first time I saw him in Rocky. I remember thinking, "that is a big black man". Who can forget him losing a wind sprint and responding by dancing and hugging the Italian Stallion right there in their silky short shorts on the beach?

I think my favorite screen moment was him kicking the ass of a sneakily spry  Craig T. Nelson at the end of Action Jackson.

Most recently Jackson exercised his comedy chops with a role on the criminally overquoted Arrested Development.  
Who'll fill his role on Iowa's staff? No idea. What's next for us? More Jackson on the silver screen, and for that, we should all rejoice.
Give em hell, Carl!

Bucky, in happier times.

You have every right to hate Badgers. Historically, they've been a pox on man. From Wiki:

Many badger setts in Europe were gassed during the 1960s and 1970s to control rabies. Until the 1980s, gassing was also practiced in the UK to control the spread of bovine TB. Scandinavian custom is to put eggshells in your boots when walking through badger territory, as badgers are believed to bite down until they can hear a crunch. Hunting badgers is common in many countries, either as a perceived pest, or for sport. Ostensibly badgers are protected in the UK by the Protection of Badgers Act 1992.  Meddling in badger population is prevented as badgers are listed in the Berne Convention (Appendix III), but they are not otherwise the subject of any international treaty or legislation.

That's not all! Badger-baiting is a blood sport outlawed in the UK by the Protection of Badgers Act 1992. They're not only potato shaped, grub eating, rodents, but they're also ferocious, bloodthirsty beasts.
From Wiki:

In order to use the badger's ability to defend itself to test the dog, artificial badger dens were built, captured badgers were put in them and then the dog was set on the badger. The badger would be placed in a box, which was furnished in imitation of its den and from there a tunnel led upward. The owner of the badger puts his animal in the box. The timekeeper is equipped with a watch and the badger's owner releases the dog for the fight. Whoever wants to pit his dog against the badger lets it slide into the tunnel. Usually the dog is seized immediately by the badger and the dog in turn grips the badger. Each bites, tears and pulls the other with all their might. The owner quickly pulls out the dog whose jaws are clamped obstinately onto the badger by its tail. The two are separated and the badger is returned to its den. Then the dog is sent back in to seize the badger and it again is drawn out with the badger. This scene is repeated over and over again. The more often a dog is able to seize the badger within a minute, so that both can be pulled out together, the more it is up to the task and is considered game.

Join us here as we discuss the game, fried cheese curds, and badger hunting.

Bob Knight walked away. If you want to read about it from someone closer to the situation you can go over to Double T Nation or The Hoosier Report. The way he walked away comes as no surprise. Coach Knight does things his own way, always has.  

He won a national championship as a player at Ohio State in 1960. In 1976, he coached Indiana to an undefeated season and a national title. The Hoosiers won another national title under Knight in 1981. In 1984, he coached the US national team to an Olympic Gold Medal. He won a third national title at Indiana in 1987. In 42 years as a head coach, he won 902 games, the most in D-I history, and his teams finished with a losing record just twice. You can find all of that for yourself on the internet, but you'll have to look hard because the media prefers to write about his short fuse, which is a shame. Yes, he has a bad temper. He's mean, harsh, and uncompromising. He's also the greatest coach in the history of the game of basketball.

As an Iowa fan, I hated Indiana more than any other team during his tenure there. They were relentless and always ready for a fight, exactly like their coach. No matter how much I hated the Hoosiers, I always revered Coach Knight. I have more respect for the way he coached the game of basketball than I do for any coach, in any sport. He got more out of his players than anyone I've ever seen. He dedicated his entire life to getting the most out of those closest to him. This unbridled passion for perfection makes him unpalatable to most. Like Mr. Knight, I don't give a shit what you think about him personally. You don't know the man so spare me of the sanctimonious posturing about his behavior.

If you must make judgements about him personally, listen to the people who know him best, his family and his players. Time and time again, you'll hear them say he's had more of an impact on their lives than anyone else. His coaching records are staggering but more impressive is his player graduation rate. Only 4 of his 4-year players failed to complete their degree. That's a rate of nearly 98%. In over 40 years of coaching. That's very good.

I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that the mainstream media is the worst place to get information about Coach Knight. These are the people that have spent decades baiting him into confrontations for good copy while ignoring the impeccable record of citizenship his boys had. They'll spend the next few days speculating on why he walked away when he did and take shots at him for quitting during the season. I won't let them determine how I'm going to remember Coach Knight. I'm going to remember him as the only guy I've ever seen who wanted his team to win more than I wanted mine to.

Why did he walk away? Because his work was done.
Thanks for doing it, Coach.

Everyone loves a comeback story. They also love crushing spirals to rock bottom. Some sporting events of the past week have made me ponder some of the greatest turnarounds in history. These are some of my favorites:

Thomas Jefferson, Bold Declaration Drafter - A slaveowner who later wrote passionately about the horrors of slavery, even dropping some anti-slavery bombs into the Declaration of Independence [which were quickly removed.--ed.].
Jefferson: He was for slavery before he was against it!

Mark Wahlberg, Actor - In just a few short years he went from being the biggest douche on MTV (no small feat) to being the smallest leading man in Hollywood.

(the rest... of the story)

Continue reading this post »

Curry leaks out on the break.

Finally, a piss related arrest we can all celebrate! JamesOn Curry, guard for the Iowa Energy [me neither.--ed.], was arrested in Boise, Idaho in the wee hours of the morning Thursday for urinating onto the side of a moderately priced hotel. Several things here:

• He wasn't drunk
• He was relieving himself onto a Hampton Inn at 2:25 am
• He wasn't drunk
• He was also charged with resisting arrest

Curry was in mid-release when the popo spotted him. They turned on the lights and the chase was on. This is where the most disturbing part of the entire story comes into play, JamesOn was a 2007 second-round pick, and recently a member, of the Chicago Bulls - and he couldn't outrun a Boise cop. What a professional athlete was doing out in the middle of the night, sober, in Boise, is beyond me.

This is precisely what the Energy did not need right now. They're currently mired in a 8-game losing skid and battling dangerously low attendance numbers. Curry is the team's best player, averaging 20.2 points and 4.3 pints of piss per night. No word yet from the NBDL about his future with the team. At press time, Curry could not be reached for comment but Energy head honcho Nick Nurse said, "GNNNNNNNNNNN".

The secret's out - we're jackasses. Whether our intention was to be funny or satirical and whether we were a success or a failure - is not the point. The point is, it was never our intention to get Brian worked up. There are thousands of bad blogs out there (you don't know who you are), written by hacks, and assholes. MGoBlog is not one of them. Brian is as good a sportswriter as there is and he's the last person to deserve a hatchet job. Further, Brian has been as instrumental in our growing readership as anyone else, including those of us that write here. He welcomed us into the blogging community and has always treated us better than we deserved. He wasted a day yesterday dealing with our foolishness. For that, we're sorry and we apologize for the misunderstanding.

Also, Brian does this for a living, we do not. His job is not to defend himself from cheap shots lobbed by the likes of us. He's out a day's work and we garnered traffic from it. We do not feel good about that. For that, we would also like to apologize.
BHGP

Be still.

Iowa defeated Michigan State, 43-36, tonight. It was a huge win, but not necessarily for the fans. Honestly, who cares about us at this point? We're still Iowa fans, we still want them to win, but I don't think any of us are living and dying with every possession anymore. It was bigger than us. Think about that for a moment.

Now, think about this - Michigan State is (was) the #6 team in the country. Their only previous loss (against 14 wins) was against #2 UCLA. Tom Izzo* is a great coach with ridiculous talent at every position. Iowa is coming off a humiliating defeat to Ohio State where only through the grace of a friendship with Coach Lick, Thad Matta played walk-ons for much of the 2nd half, keeping Iowa within 50. It was the biggest mismatch of talent I've ever seen since I started watching Hawkeye basketball. This is the time when most people would give up, wouldn't you? Think about that for a moment.

Now, think about this - once the season starts, you can't control talent. You can't make your kids taller or get them to jump higher. They can't shoot straighter or run faster (or at all if you're Seth). What you can control is effort; and Iowa gave more than you could ask for. This was the best defensive effort I've ever seen from an Iowa team. You can go through the numbers if you choose - they're impressive. These guys came out and straight balled for 40 minutes. They took everything the Spartans had and held fast. This was an act of will; nothing more, nothing less.

When the final horn sounded, the fans stormed the floor, and the camera panned over the players' faces, I didn't see joy - I saw relief. Those guys have worked so hard, probably harder than any Iowa team in memory, for what will likely be the worst season in school history. Just think about that for a moment. These kids have invested so much in this season and they finally got a return. This was a great win. I'm going to enjoy it, for me, and for the players. Who knows when we'll get another one.

We're proud of you, Hawkeyes.

* Whom I hate more than any other coach in the Big Ten, this guy is such an ass and I cannot believe more people don't realize it. They were beating Iowa by like 30 last year and he had his starters in launching 3's with a full shot clock with a few minutes left in the game. He is a classless asshole and I hate him. I would go on, but his is a footnote in a positive, happy post, so, I'll talk about my hate for Izzo at another time.

We were linked by Deadspin, (falsely and hilariously) accused of plagiarism, and we're rooting for Ohio State. I don't even know who I am anymore. Also, this is the first post I've written in 2008 - it's been so long I couldn't find my lucky pajamas. Anyway, we're here, we're... here, and we're not going anywhere!

Go [is he really doing this?--ed.] Buckeyes!!! [he is, jesus, there goes the neighborhood.--ed]

Previously: on Big 10 versus SEC - Michigan did the unthinkable and dispatched the Gators. This was the biggest win for the Big 10 all season.
Can Ohio State take down LSU and put an end to this talk of Ess ee cee speed and supremacy?
Can the Big 10 win a National Championship against a superior team from a superior conference?
Can I make it through a liveblog without talking about taking my pants off?
Stick around if you want to have all of these questions answered and I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope it doesn't turn out like this --

The Las Vegas Bowl is a shining example of why we must keep the bowl system as it is, in lieu of a playoff. If not for the current setup, we wouldn't be treated to the bloodfeud rematch between UCLA and BYU. Very small sections of Southern California and remote regions of Utah are dying for this! The early season tilt between these two programs taught us 2 things: 1) Early season success couldn't stand in the way of Karl Dorrell's fierce dedication to mediocrity, and 2) September 8th was a long time ago.
Now, to the preview of the Battle for Las Vegas!

Angry student section demands answers from Coach Dorrell.

The September 8th win by the Bruins over the Cougars was the beginning of the end for Karl Dorrell in LA. UCLA was flying high and ranked 11th in the country after clipping the Cougs 27-17. They responded to this early success by coming out the next week and getting hammered by Utah, 44-6. The writing was on the wall at that point* for head coach Karl "Marx" Dorrell. In spectacularly uninteresting fashion, the Bruins finished .500, losing 5 of their last 7. The axe fell swiftly on KD, and they'll be led into battle tonight by interim coach (and Dorrell protege) DeWayne Walker. Should be interesting to see what Bruins Nation is going to bitch about now. They spent their days and nights crying about KD, and with him gone, they'll have to stop blaming Dorrell for everything and be forced to look at their program for what it is - a shiny pile of poo. Bruins Nation should be prepared for a harsh dose of reality as they watch a BYU team, who's more talented on both sides of the ball, roll past them in dominating fashion tonight. Diminished expectations will serve them well in the future.

Max and Harry work up winning formula in BYU lab.

BYU, on the other hand, got better as the season played out, winning their last 9 and running the table in the Mountain West. They're led by superfrosh running back Harvey Unga and sophomore quarterback Max Hall. The tween twosome (to be fair, an underclassman at BYU could easily be in his 30's) form the deadliest QB-RB combo in NCAA history named Max and Harvey. While their offense is 15th ranked nationally, their defense is 10th and this is where UCLA is going to have their hands full. The femiliciously named Jan Jorgensen finished 8th in the country with 11.5 sacks for BYU, half of which came in November. UCLA's pass protection was not their strong suit, as evidenced by their quarterbacks taking more shots to the face than Jerry Jones. Ben Olson will get the start for the Bruins (he actually started his "career" at BYU) but he won't finish the game, at least, not on the field. Expect him to be KTFO'd by halftime. Oh yes, there will be blood.

Why should you watch? Because it's football, it's on, and you'll get to hear ESPN pimp Rick Neuheisel for 4 hours.
The Las Vegas Bowl - it's better than nothing!

* The writing said "Coach, we suck and you make us worse."

Sometimes you just don't want to be alone. Like when you're watching Lifetime or having sex. Well, when the Drake Bulldogs visit Iowa tonight for an almost certain crippling defeat; that's another time. The founding fathers of BHGP will be here throughout the game, liveblogging the action, drinking appletinis, and talking about Christmas music. Come play with us!

The Olsen Twins: Long Night at the Chateau Marmont.