Kind of credible sources tell us that the NCAA will soon open an investigation into the actual age and eligibility of OSU quarterback Brandon Weeden.  This follows a recent report that Weeden is actually 87 years old.

When reached at his dorm for comment, Weeden himself paused for a moment to remove his leather padded helmet and take a cool sip of refreshing lemonade before rocking in his chair and launching into a largely nonsensical story about fighting the slants on Okinawa back in '45.

Weeden's girlfriend, Dorothy (Sarah Lawrence, 1952) clarified Weeden's answer this way.  "Brandon's always had a love of sports", says Dot, "I remember when he signed with the Dodgers.  He was so excited about moving to Brooklyn he nearly wet his knickers!"  

Should the investigation find that Weeden is actually older than the age Gundy put on his OSU admissions application, the NCAA would then have to determine if Weeden was violating his eligibility by submitting SAT test scores from the late 30's and whether "gout" or "parkinsons" is currently covered under today's IR rules.

For his part, Weeden seems philosophical.  "If'n I can't play, that's alright," says Weeden in between naps.  "Me and my buddy Chet can always jump in my jalopy and play backgammon down at the soda shop instead."

At the risk of sounding too much like some delusional crew-cut wearing nut-grabber from A&M I'm going to come out and make the prediction that O-State will be 6-0 going into the Nebraska game this year.

Bold? Maybe. Stupid. Maybe. Let's just say I've taken a look at both the tangible and less than tangible aspects of the schedule and will be heading to Vegas on the next Southwest flight out of Love. Hold the peanuts, Sweetheart, I brought my own beef jerky and a plastic flask.

Let's take a look at the schedule.

Washington State - I'm paraphrasing my friend Sam here when I say that Washington State has perhaps the worst football team since an Austin Arnaud-less Iowa State. Their recruit list reads like a list of two star future grocery baggers at the local Kroger and I believe they still play on a cement parking lot next to the Ocean Sciences building. O-State wins and wins big.

Troy - I actually like Troy. They play football in the shadow of Roll Tide so nobody ever takes them seriously, their team name is Trojans (get it, it's like the condom), O-State is the ONLY decent team they face for 2010 so they'll be up for it and they actually should have a good chance of repeating as champs in the Sun Belt this year. Unfortunately for Troy, they're replacing a quarterback, four guys off their defensive line and two linebackers and I just don't see the talent level they have left being good enough to compete in T. Boone Pickens. O-State wins a closer than it should be game.

Tulsa - Tulsa finished the season ranked 89/120 in the Massey rankings last year. Yes, they get to sharpen their ball-slinging skills every year on the guys from East Carolina, SMU and Memphis but I've heard from my inside source (an ex-Tulsa cheerleader named Bridget actually who can actually stick her entire fist in her mouth) that Tulsa is planning on sitting most of their starters this year until they play Notre Dame. O-State takes this one by 21.

Texas A&M - Jerrod Johnson is overrated. Every time I hear his name I think of that great dual-threat Texas A&M quarterback Reggie McNeil who's currently tearing it up in Canada with the Toronto Argonauts. The 12th Man and Wrecking Crew were last relevant in the late 80's and I'm getting the impression that Mike Sherman is about as good at recruiting as Bo Pellini is at ballet. This year, the Aggies are predicting an 8-10 win season for themselves and the talk over at Texags.com is all about whether they'll be playing Texas or OU for the last Big 12 Championship. I remember the last time I heard this.... Oh yeah, it was last year when they went 5-7 and lost to O-State with a better defense than the one they'll field this year. O-State wins by forfeit because A&M oversleeps resting up for their "real" competition.

Louisiana-Lafayette - C'mon. The Rajun Cajuns are picked to finish 6th in the Sun Belt Conference which, unlike Troy, means they can't even claim to be kings of the dipshits. They've been bowl eligible for the past 3 or 4 seasons but haven't been invited to a bowl, their running game ranked them 7th/of 9 in their conference and they lost their best lineman. Roll Pokes.

Texas Tech - Tuberville's a good coach, Tech's got some good offensive players still including most of their backs and receivers but I'm just not feeling them this year. Tuberville says he'll continue the Tech spread offense which is totally different from what he ran at Auburn, he's lost most of his assistant coaches including Ruffin McNeil who basically kept the defense from imploding and at the end of the day I just think Tech spends most of this season looking back and missing Leach as opposed to looking ahead and winning. I think Weeden has his feet under him by now, Hot Chick Hunter is running injury-free and catching out of the backfield, O-State wins by a nose and everyone's a little surprised.

So there you have it. John Titmanson, Jr's totally subjective and slightly inebriated opinions on how O-State rolls into the Nebraska game at 6-0. Use this info at the Sports Book and I want a cut.

Doug Pinkel (KU, 2012) was recently asked to leave the Free State Brewery in Lawrence, KS when he accidently let slip the fact that he's "not that much of a basketball fan." Pinkel, who had been enjoying a few cold wheat beers with his buddies was almost immediately besieged by questions as to just what he meant by his comment and whether or not he was actually a student at the university or a clever plant from a traditional football powerhouse who had been placed at KU to steal Bill Self's playbook.

When it was ascertained that Pinkel was, in fact, serious about just not liking basketball that much the fallout began.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing," said Jeff Conroy (KU 2012), Pinkel's fraternity brother. "I mean I pledged with that dude. I thought we knew everything about each other and now he goes and drops this load of crap." Pinkel's roommate, Pete Simms (KU 2011) was confused and angry as he talked about having his older brother (who went to KU at the same time as Drew Gooden) calling the star to come back to Lawrence and beat the crap out of Pinkel. "Gooden would waste him," said Simms between thinly disguised sobs and gulps of Free State Porter. "I mean waste him."

Other's, while hurt, were more philosophical. "Well if he's not into basketball he definitely won't be in me," said Heidi Cleese, Pinkel's (now) ex-girlfriend. "He can go watch tennis for all I care. I'm going to be playing round ball with his best friend."

Pinkel, for his part, appeared surprised at the heat his comment generated. "All I meant was that I sometimes like to get out and throw the pigskin around every now and then. I mean it's not I like I wished KU had a football team or anything."

Stink in there Doug. Maybe some day they will.

Oklahoma fan Clyde Nutty (Broken Arrow High School, 1998) was surprised to learn recently that Sooner football players were actually students who, in some cases, attended classes at a state university of some kind in Norman, OK.

"That's real damn strange if you ask me," said Nutty when briefed on the concept of student athletes. "I mean it seams like they're just taking away some valuable coachin and playin time for these boys making 'em sit in some classroom half a day."

A brief survey of fellow Oklahoma fans revealed the idea of having OU football players attend classes was not a popular one. Wal-Mart sales associate and fan Brian Bunson (Ardmore High 2002) was angry at the idea. "Who the hell are these governors up in Washington trying to tell our kids how to play ball? I mean, nobody ever told me I had to go to no schoolin!" Bunson's girlfriend, Chastity Gains added, "I just thought all them players was in real crappy apartments. I didn't realize I was bangin in a dorm."

When the point was brought up that all NCAA college football players were required to be enrolled at their team's university, Bunson snorted in disgust. "My blood bleeds Big Red and that don't include no university," said Bunson. "Ain't nobody here in Oklahoma that ever got accused of being some sissy college boy."

Go Big Red Brian. Go Big Red.

Bunson's NOT a fan of learnin'

Saw 'em off!

In an inspired move, Doyle Connors (A&M, 2011) recently spent six months showing his maroon pride by finding and purchasing a jersey from every school hated TU will play during their upcoming football season. "I support anyone who ain't TU!" Crow's Conners. "Stuck up T-sippers think they own the whole SWC!"

When asked about his purchases, Connors is understandably proud. "Some of 'em were easy", says Connors when reached on the futon of his College Station apartment, "I mean I already had my saw 'em off jersey and the Tech jersey that my sister bought me when it looked like that was the only place I'd get in."

Others, however, apparently, weren't so easy to come by. "You try finding a Florida Atlantic jersey in size small," complained the diminutive Connors. "I didn't even know what state that was in."

Doyle plans to wear his jerseys to every TU home and away game this year showing those bastard T-Sips just how much he hates them by purchasing tickets on ebay through private sellers and making the road trip from College Station in his 1994 Sentra.

"When I start flashing my upside down horns in their faces and grabbing my own nuts, Varsity won't know what hit 'em," says Connors.

We agree Doyle. Gig 'em.

Sometimes a player is successful because of genetics. Some magical mutation of genes and chromosomes and whatnot just make some guys so fast, so big or so freakishly strong that it almost becomes a question of God daring them to fail at sports. Other athletes succeed because of how they grew up. You think Mike Tyson becomes Mike Tyson if he had been born into a charming brownstone on the East Side? Mike Tyson's dad was a pimp, his mother died when he was 16 and the guys in his gang called him Fairy Boy because of his lisp. He was destined to kick the crap out of anything that moved because of his upbringing. Sometimes, however, athletes win because of foresight. I don't mean practice. I can do that. I mean the type of foresight and planning that happens way before birth. That's why Nick Rockwell will become one of the greatest players in OSU history.

What were his parents thinking when he was born? I have to believe the conversation went something like this:

Nick's Dad: Honey, I've got an idea

Nick's Mom: Oh really Dear, what?

Nick's Dad: Let's name our unborn child the most bad-ass porn star football hot shit name we can think of

Nick's Mom: Uh, ok. What do you have in mind?

Nick's Dad: In mind? What I have in mind is NICK ROCKWELL....

Nick Rockwell is a name that will catch balls with one hand and sprint game time 40's in the low 3 second range. Nick Rockwell is a name that will make everyone else around him look silly and lost as he tips the ball over the goal post and comes down with it in his teeth. It's worked in the past. Don't for second think that this same exact conversation didn't happen in the McCoy household a few years before.

So Nick, here's my prediction. You will become the 5'7"

Nick Rockwell - Destiny's Pick of the Year

receiver that leads the Pokes to the BCS Championship game and beyond. You will lay many women and sire many children and you can thank foresight for all of it.

And if all else fails, you can definitely get on as a presenter at the next AVN awards in Vegas.

In what can only be seen as a massive shot in the arm for the program, Iowa State's Austin Arnaud has been voted one of the "pretty good" Big 12 quarterbacks for the 2010 season by the Wasted Optimism staff.

As four of the only followers we could findof Iowa State Football, WO staff members searched the internet and local library databases looking for stats on Arnaud for most of the off season months. Based largely upon a 2008 Iowa State student phone listing and what we think is a high school yearbook photo, we feel more than comfortable in saying that Arnaud will be a powerful and dynamic option under center for the Cyclones.

Along with tailback Alexander Robinson who we don't think has graduated yet and kicker Grant Mahoney, Jr. the Cyclones should in fact be poised to repeat as one of the most irrelevant Division I football programs in the nation. Coach Rhodes has to like his chances for another bowl shot against Minnesota and those home games against Northern Illinois and Northern Iowa should be more than enough prep for the late season road trip games in Norman and Austin. Go Cyclones!

Arnaud or someone who looks kind of like him

Hey! Rest of the Big 12! Check this shit out. Know what it is? That's right. I'm wearing a Longhorn logo on my golf shirt. In fact I just got this shirt from the Coop. In Dallas Bitches. How many Baylor Coops do you see in Dallas? That's right. I don't even think Dillards carries you losers anymore.

You know what this logo is? It's a VIP pass sucker. This white stitched BEVO on my dry-fit is going to get me more drinks and hot snatch in one weekend than most Tech d-bags see in a whole year. You boys better just bow down next time you see me in Gordon Biersch. I'm going to be crushing Red Bulls faster than Sergio Kindle crushed quarterbacks.

Personally, I think the Longhorns should have just started their own conference. Call it the Big One. You know like "I've got a big one." That would be awesome. I know I'd pay an extra 10 bucks to Time Warner to see old Ricky Williams clips 24/7. Anyway, Longhorn sports. Longhorn network. Mack, Deloss and Coach Boom Forever and Don Beebe is our bitch! Peace out to the rest of you a-holes.

Enjoy losing next year.

Art Briles was surprised today to learn of the recent Big 12 conference shake up during his weekly ManPrayer meeting at the local Waco iHop on 4th Street.

Briles, who has apparently been on a church retreat titled "Exorcising the Demon Pussy in You" was unaware that both Nebraska and Colorado had left the conference and that Baylor's Board of Regents were now considering changing their team name from the Bears to Bevo's Little Bitch.

"Shucks", said Briles, when asked for a comment. "I wish someone had told me. I've always wanted to explore realignment possibilities with Abilene Christian University, Southern Nazarene University and maybe TCU or Notre Dame."

When asked for his thoughts about a conference scenario involving Baylor, TCU AD Chris Del Conte mumbled and continued to give Gary Patterson his weekly blow job per his new contract terms. Notre Dame's Jack Swarbrick merely sent in a faxed copy of what appears to be his own poo.

All in all, Briles said he was happy with the new direction of the Big 12. "I don't really think we'll be more competitive or anything," says Briles, "but it sure will be nice to not have Bo Pelini trying to kick my ass every time we have a Big 12 conference meeting."