SB Nation User Blog: kidbourbon

Lane and Wayne: A Brief History of Two Gangsters

kidbourbon — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 13:32:05 -0000

Lane and Wayne: A Brief History of Two Gangsters

Posted yesterrday at RTT. For those unfamiliar, the preferred etiquette at RTT is to put a "[fulmerized]" where there would otherwise be objectionable language.

Lane and Wayne: A Brief History of Two Gangsters

kidbourbon — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:44:27 -0000

June 10, 2008: Tha Carter III is released, selling more than a million copies in its first week of release

June 11, 2008: Random high school kid in Georgia logs on to hip hop message board. Posts the following message:

Carter III is the worst album EVA. Lil' Wayne is nothing but hype. He LUV hyping himself up and all dat...but he can't rap.

November 28, 2008: Multiple media outlets report that the University of Tennessee hired Lane Kiffin as the new head football coach.

November 29, 2008: Random high school kid in Georgia logs on to Bulldogs messge board. Posts the following message:

Lane is the worst hire EVA. What a joke, yo! haha. How many games did he win in Oakland? LMAO. Vols got stuck with another LUZER coach. See ya in October, Lane. haha.

January 13, 2009: Lane's wife, Layla, gives birth to his first son, Monte Knox Kiffin. Vol fans and rivals alike comment that Lane may have "outkicked his coverage" in landing Layla -- a certifiable hottie.

January 28, 2009: Lil' Wayne's girlfriend, Lauren London, is rumored to be pregnant with Wayne's child. Fans and haters alike comment that Wayne may have "outkicked his coverage" in landing London -- a certifiable hottie.

February 5, 2009: Lane Kiffin infamously (and erroneously) accuses Urban Meyer of a recruiting violation while speaking at a breakfast for Tennessee donors.

February 10, 2009: Lil' Wayne guest hosts ESPN's Around The Horn and says the following about Lane Kiffin.

I'm selling, I'm selling on Lane. He reminds me of when Shaq did the rap about Kobe and then afterwards his excuse was that he was just trying to excite the people and the crowd. He said...Lane said he was just trying to get the people in the room excited. I just think he is....and then with these allegations...with the new facts that he was doing the same thing. I don't believe in this guy. I think they should fire him before the season starts.

March 9, 2009: Kiffin allegedly tells Alshon Jeffery that if he signs with South Carolina, he will end up pumping gas for the rest of his life.

March 10, 2009: Upon seeing this story reported on ESPNU, Lil' Wayne -- an avid sports fan who does in fact watch ESPNU -- turns towards Crunksacks, a loyal member of his posse, to relay what he just heard. Neither Crunksacks nor Lil' Wayne believe the allegations to be true. "Too preposterous," they say.

March 13, 2009: Lane Kiffin discusses Bryce Brown on Knoxville radio.

March 14, 2009: Kiffin receives secondary violation for the March 13 radio mention of Bryce Brown.

March 16, 2009: Kiffin lands Bryce Brown.

March 17, 2009: Lil' Wayne hears report of Brown signing -- raises eyebrow.

June 8, 2009: T Kyle King articulates his opinion that there simply is no basis for believing Lane Kiffin will succeed.

June 10, 2009: I respond to Kyle's post and argue that there is a reasonable basis for believing Kiffin will succeed.

June 11, 2009: Joel also responds to Kyle's post and enumerates three reasons to believe Lane Kiffin can succeed at Tennessee.

June 17, 2009: This back-and-forth about Lane Kiffin inspires the great Lane Kiffin debate.

June 18, 2009: Lil' Wayne -- an avid sports fan known to lurk on sbnation sites -- considers all of these arguments, then raises both eyebrows in a way that says "I am persuaded that Lane Kiffin will succeed at Tennessee."

August 14, 2009: In a random conversation about music with my friend Tony, I state the following:

Please don't tell me you are all on some Lil' Wayne. Seriously. Actually...go ahead and say that Lil' Wayne is best rapper alive so that I can proceed to punch you in the face. Just because dude says he is the best doesn't make it true.

September 14, 2009: Lauren London gives birth to Wayne's second son, Lennox Samuel Ari Carter. Fans and haters alike continue to comment that Wayne "outkicked his coverage" in landing London.

September 19, 2009: Tennessee, a 30 point underdog by kickoff, loses to Florida 23-13 in a very competitive game. Urban Meyer is embarassed that he couldn't run up the score. Meyer blames the lack of offensive output on the swine flu epidemic, even though there aren't any Florida players who actually have the swine flu.

Kiffin is brash even in defeat, asking the sideline reporter to repeat herself in the post-game interview because Rocky Top was playing too loudly for him to hear the question. He is then asked whether he would at least hum Rocky Top to at least partially celebrate a closer-than-expected game. His response -- which is my personal favorite -- went a little something like this:

No, no, no, we didn't win. But I'll come back with the basketball team with Bruce. He's 7-1 vs. Florida.

September 20, 2009: Kiffin is asked about whether, in view of Meyer's comments, he was concerned about a flu outbreak for his team. Kiffin's response:

We'll wait and see, and after we're not excited about our performance we'll tell you that everybody was sick.

September 21, 2009: Lil' Wayne -- an avid sports fan -- observes the Meyer/Kiffin back-and-forth and solidifies his burgeoning hunch that Kiffin is awesome. So much so, in fact, that he decides to reference Kiffin on his upcoming mixtape.

October 21, 2009: Kiffin takes an indirect shot at Urban Meyer and the Gators with his comment that the A.P. Poll -- the only poll that had Alabama ranked #1 -- is the one that "got it right" and that Alabama is the most well-coached team the Vols will face all season.

October 22, 2009: Lil' Wayne pleads guilty to attempted criminal possession of a weapon.

October 24, 2009: Tennessee loses a hard fought battle to Alabama on a last second blocked field goal. Kiffin defends his decision not to run another play before the field goal to gain some additional yardage because he was afraid that the officials might throw a "magical yellow flag" and push the Vols back out of field goal range.

October 26, 2009: Mike Slive enacts the "Lane Kiffin Rule."

October 28, 2009: Lil' Wayne releases the track Banned From TV off the No Ceiling mixtape. The track includes the line "smoke weed, talk [fulmerized] like Lane Kiffin." Upon hearing this line I immediately change my opinion of Lil' Wayne and download Carter III. I listen to the track several times, and note that Lil' Wayne also makes reference to my favorite tennis player, Rafael Nadal. The Nadal reference makes me like Wayne even more. But, really, he had me at "talk [fulmerized] like Lane Kiffin."

October 29, 2009: I inform my friend Tony that I am now fully on board with Lil' Wayne. Tony shakes his head in disbelief.

October 30, 2009: Layla Kiffin denies speculation that she will pose for the SI swimsuit edition. Vol and rival fans alike continue to comment that Lane "outkicked his coverage" in landing Layla.

October 31, 2009: My friend Stephanie casts substantial doubt on the rampant speculation that Lane "outkicked his coverage" with the following emphatic statement, uttered during the South Carolina game: "Lane is hot. I'd do him." Stephanie's boyfriend, who is sitting next to her on my couch, does not seem phased by this comment.

October 31, 2009: After watching the Vols come out in their black uniforms and soundly defeat South Carolina, Lil' Wayne records this clip -- which further references Kiffin and the Vols, and puts to rest any rumors that his initial reference to Kiffin was actually a jab.

"....shout out all my people at ESPN, shout out Lane Kiffin and the whole Tennessee Volunteers team. I heard they [the University I believe] don't indulge in the things that I said because I said 'smoke weed talk [fulmerized] like Lane Kiffin' but Lane what you don't know is you gonna be sittin' in some recruit's living room and his mother is gonna call him from the back room and he's gonna come up front listenin' to an iPod. On his iPod he's gonna be listening to 'smoke weed talk [fulmerized] like Lane Kiffin' and you'll be able to say 'hi son, I'm Lane Kiffin I'm who he's talkin' about' and you just may get a recruit because of that. Don't thank me, just apologize for not thanking me.

Naw, but for real though, I rock with you Lil' Lane. I heard that's your new name they call you Lil' Lane. And all them boys over there at Tennessee, I rock with y'all!! And y'all stumped ummm I watched y'all stump South Carolina tonight y'all did y'all's thing. I am a big fan of the Ole' Ball Coach, but y'all did y'all's thing tonight and I rocks with y'all. I LOVE the black and orange jerseys you killed 'em, thank you...."

November 6, 2009: Bruce Feldman posts a link to this clip on his Twitter account

November 6, 2009: I watch the clip, and then smile big.

November 7, 2009: While sitting in the back row of my buddy Nooj's wedding, I turn to my friend Tony, who is sitting next to me, and excitedly tell him that Lil' Wayne once again "co-signed" Lane Kiffin. Tony glances down at my pants and says "You need to calm down man, I think you're getting a little bit of movement down there."

Quickly realizing that I have no suitable comeback for Tony's clever jab, I cease my excited whispering about Lil' Wayne. I swivel my head back towards the ongoing ceremony, and resume watching the lovely exchange of matrimonial vows. The ceremony is beautiful, the ensuing reception is a blast.....and that Lane Kiffin is the man!

As Hooper mentioned, none of the RTT uniform design entries went with the black shirts and orange...

kidbourbon — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:07:01 -0000

As Hooper mentioned, none of the RTT uniform design entries went with the black shirts and orange pants, like we saw against that team coached by Spurrier this past weekend.

So I gave it a very quick stab. One thing I couldn't figure out in the short amount of time I took to do this was how to get the "T" on the helmet when designing your own helmet. Others had done it in the contest...I couldn't figure it out.

More good luck from a familiar Vols fan

kidbourbon — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 17:27:51 -0000

Kyle and gang,

This weekend I am on your team. Disregard anything I may have written prior to this fanpost about the Georgia Bulldogs. Mere jest.

In reality, your beloved Dawgs are a fabulously wealthy man's Tennessee, Arkansas, and LSU all rolled into one (think, Mark Cuban version). As such, they will succeed where the aforementioned programs have fallen short. They will beat the gators. And I will be smiling for days -- possibly weeks -- just because that is how much I hate Urban Meyer.

So go forth young dawgs. May you deliver the crisp right cross that lands squarely on the chin of the formidable but weary heavyweight champion. May the champ go tumbling to the canvas like a tree struck by lightning. And may I then get all schadenfreudey and watch every second of the post-game press conference, rubbing my hands together in evil delight.

The SEC Against the Spread

kidbourbon — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 12:26:48 -0000

As of right now, Spurrier is the SEC's best spread-coverer (ATS == Against The Spread). I would not have guessed this. But they covered the spread in both of their losses, so it makes sense.

*The difference in the number of games is because I am only counting games against Division I-A schools.

Here are the against-the-spread numbers for the BCS and SEC champions in the BCS era.

What jumps out at me about these numbers are just how good the 2008 Florida and 2005 Texas teams really were. It is really tough to consistently cover two and three touchdown spreads, but these teams did it. Same goes for USC and LSU in 2003. Really impressive.

And now on to current events.

This week's picks (home team in caps):

Georgia +16 over Florida

Miss. St. +3.5 over KENTUCKY

TENNESSEE -6 over Spurrier

Tulane +36 over LSU

AUBURN +4.5 over Ole Miss

Georgia Tech -12 over VANDY

ARKANSAS -38 over Eastern Michigan.

SEC Reprimands Kiffin for Comments

kidbourbon — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 21:14:37 -0000

SEC Reprimands Kiffin for Comments

Doing Lines: Week 7

kidbourbon — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:21:48 -0000

My alarm clock is going off. It is 6:00am. I guess this means that I should be waking up. But I don't want to wake up. I can't wake up right now. Too tired -- need more sleepy. Besides, I'm sure my cell phone alarm is set for 7:00. I am pretty sure I remembered to set it last night. Yeah, I'll just sleep for another hour.

::reaches up and turns alarm clock off::

I wake up momentarily feeling surprisingly refreshed. This is not a good sign. I glance over at the alarm and see it 9:18. Crap! I didn't set my cell phone alarm. Shoot! I'm gonna be late for work. Fudge! I was already late once this week, but was able to stealthily sneak into my office unnoticed. No way that happens twice in a week. Dagnabbit! I suck at work and in life. Why didn't I remember to set that cell phone alarm?

Hold on for a second. What day is it? I went out last night. Last night was Friday night. IT IS SATURDAY!

Without further adieu or clever lead-in (this should have been posted two days ago...technical difficulties) here are my SEC week 7 picks. Last week I went 5-2 against the spread. And actually 6-1 if take into account that my Georgia pick was clearly just a reverse jinx pick. Yall didn't know that my Georgia pick was a reverse jinx pick? Okay, okay, I will have to settle for 5-2.

Home team in CAPS:

Georgia (-7.5) over VANDY

Big bounce back for Georgia. They aren't as bad you think. Too much talent to be *that* bad. And Vanderbilt is TERRIBLE at the game of football.

Mississippi State (-4.5) over MTSU

Why am I not confident about this pick? I seriously seriously considered going the other way.

Arkansas (+24.5) over FLORIDA

Vegas appears to be giving Florida an additional 7 points each week based solely on brand name recognition. The fact of the matter is that Florida is simply not the offensive juggernaut that they were last year. Percy Harvin now plays for a different team. This doesn't mean that Florida isn't very good. But 24.5 is a hefty hefty line for an SEC game not involving Kentucky or Vanderbilt. Remember when Florida was favored by 30 over Tennessee? I didn't write about it...but I took Tennessee. I mean, I would have taken Tennessee if gambling were legal.

UAB (+22) over OLE MISS (Mississippi is at home. Writing out UAB would be silly)

This is a close one. In fact, all of these spreads this week are close calls. None of them are "free money" picks, so to speak. Ole Miss could show some life and put a good ole fashioned whuppin on UAB. And maybe that will happen. If the spread here were 17 or 18 I would probably go the other way. A 3+ TD spread, though, is a rather substantial spread. I don't think Ole Miss has quite shown that they are deserving of substantial spreads.

AUBURN (-13.5) over Kentucky

This is the week where Kentucky implodes. I just have a hunch.

ALABAMA (-17) over Spurrier

This is a lot of points against a South Carolina team that certainly isn't terrible. Here is my logic: Bama covered a 16 point spread against Kentucky on the road. South Carolina showed that they aren't much better than Kentucky. Thus, Alabama should cover a 17 point spread against Spurrier at home. Can't really toss a QED at the end of that last sentence, but this is gambling, right?

Good luck!

Doing Lines: Week 6

kidbourbon — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 15:02:51 -0000

[republished after an inadvertent click vamoosed the original]

Heading into last weekend's (week 5) slate of games, several SEC teams were shrouded in an an opaque cloud of mystery. Attempts to analyze and/or characterize the likes of at least Georgia Auburn, Tennessee, and LSU produced as many, if not more, confused faces, barely educated guesses and weakly reasoned hypotheses as the first day of TebowGate.

Now by no means was week 5 the equivalent of the ole ball coach's way-too-serious confession. We don't know all the answers yet. But while there are still many mysteries to be solved, I believe the available evidence is at least sufficient to facilitate marginally informed predictions. We've gone from guesses to marginally informed predictions. It's a start.

We all want want answers, but we'll never really figure out the truth. And that's okay. If you already knew Kevin Spacey was Keyzer Soze, would you have sat through The Usual Suspects? Didn't think so. Wouldn't have been very exciting. Definitely not as exciting as making marginally informed predictions against lines set by people who get paid handily to set lines.

But before I jump in and start doing the lines, methinks a quick breakdown of the league is in order.

The Hal Mumme All Stars

Vanderbilt, Kentucky; Mississippi State:

Really not too much to say about this group except that they do not appear to be particularly good at football. Of the three, MSU is definitely hte most likely to jump out of this group and into a less harshly titled and slightly more competent division. But I am taking a wait-and-see approach. Their claim to fame thus far is playing LSU close. But who hasn't played LSU close?

The Fatal Flaw Association

Arkansas, Tennessee

[Arkansas fan]: "We could be really good if our defense wasn't so easy to score on. That's what's killing us."

[Tennessee fan]: "I'll tell you what, man. We would be 5-0 if we could just learn to score the ball. That's all we're missing."

Biggie ups to the above-two anonymous fans who nicely illustrate the difficulty in winning games when you either (a) can't score, or (b) can't prevent the other team from scoring. I would personally take option (b) over option (a). Watching your team put on a three-and-out clinic is really depressing. Watching them do this for an entire year is enough to ake a fan stop watching his team...or at least stop watching his team when said fan has reasonable access to projectiles.

The Tennessee Receivers Circuit

Georgia, Ole Miss, South Carolina

Like the Tennessee receivers, none of these teams have been able to get any separation. They aren't that much better than the bad teams. They don't appear to be appreciably worse than the good ones. If this were high school, these teams wouldn't be the cool kids, bu they also wouldn't be mocked by the cool kids. Similarly, they wouldn't be classifiable as nerds, but they also wouldn't be hated by the nerds...at least not enough to make it onto any of the nerds' "to kill" lists (Billy Madison reference).

I have a feeling, though, that one of these teams will become a lot cooler in the coming weeks -- get some decent clothes, pull up to school in a new car...maybe even score a decent lady. I just don't know which one (team, not girl).

The Distant Second Division

Auburn, LSU

Guz Malzahn is the real deal. I was very very impressed with Auburn's offense against Tennessee. The Vols had a much easier time defending Florida than Auburn. Obviously, Florida has more pure playmakers on offense than Auburn. Schematically, though, Auburn is the better offense. Against Florida, it seemed as if Tennessee knew what was coming every play. But, again, Florida's playmaker's can sometimes get yards even when the defense knows exactly what is coming. Totally different story against Auburn. The defense seemed perplexed at times. Auburn receptions were made without any orange-clad defenders een in the vacinity. I am now a believer in Guz Malzahn.

I was tempted to drop LSU down a division just because they appear to be very very average in ever facet of the game. I have never believed that the ability to win close games was a positive characteristic for a team. If Team A wins every game by 50, they never put themselves in the position to win close games. That makes them better than Team B, who eeks out a victory every weekend by the skin of their teeth. Team B doesn't just "know how to win." Nonsense. Team B maybe had a couple plays go their way, but they are playing with fire. LSU is team B. LSU is playing with fire.

The BCS Conversationalists

Alabama, Florida

Yeah, these guys are good. I think Florida wins if and when they play. But in a tight game.

And, finally, my week 6 picks versus the spread (how team in CAPS)

Auburn (-3) over ARKANSAS

ARMY (+10) over Vandy

Georgia (+1.5) over TENNESSEE

Houston (-2) over MSU

Kentucky (+10) over SOUTH CAROLINA

Bama (-6.5) over OLE MIS

Florida (-8) over LSU (with or without Tebow)

Caveat Emptor is the rule on my picks. My gambling career has been a series of ups and downs. I mean, my gambling career would have been a series of ups and downs if gambling were legal. Either way, be forewarned.

Crompton Named All-America Player of the Week

kidbourbon — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 13:14:23 -0000

Crompton Named All-America Player of the Week

Commence jokes...or give the kid some props. Just whatever best suits your style.

East / West Challenge

kidbourbon — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 04:15:59 -0000

My friend (LSU) and I (UT) have an annual East vs. West margin-of-victory wager.

We total the margins of victory in the East-West matchups, with the SECCG points counting double.

2006 was the first year we did it. We started out with the added wrinkle of eliminating one team's games from the tally per division. I chose Vandy. He choose MSU. We scrapped this idea the next year in favor of an all-inclusive tally. He ended up winning in 2006 based on the wrinkle. I would have won straight up. I went double or nothing in 2007 and (barely) got back to even. Going into the SECCG, he would have won if LSU had beaten Tennessee by 17. They didn't, and we were even steven. We did it again last year and I (the East) won big.

So, I'm up on him, and he is going double or nothing this year. Here are the games.

It doesn't look good for me so far, but Florida still has three games to play. Can the East overcome the deficit and make me a little coin? Or are we going back to even?

I'll update this going forward. Go East!

[Update] Florida kept me in the ballgame this week. This coming week, though, is HUGE in terms of my little wager. It could make or break me.

[Update Update]: The East is running out of time. It might be time to call ballgame on this one.