SB Nation User Blog: marbotty

OT: Why didn't we get Pennington again?

marbotty — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 06:46:23 -0000

OT: Why didn't we get Pennington again?

Croyle is terrible.

Runion throws 5 2/3 innings of no-hit ball

marbotty — Sun, 13 Jul 2008 08:44:25 -0000

Runion throws 5 2/3 innings of no-hit ball

Good to see he's turning his season around.

Is it time to get excited about Rowdy again? Here's are the lines from his last...

marbotty — Thu, 05 Jun 2008 11:09:51 -0000

Is it time to get excited about Rowdy again? Here's are the lines from his last three games:

6.0ip 7hits 2R 0BB 3K - May 18
7.2ip 6hits 2R 0BB 5K - May 24
6.0ip 5hits 1R 3BB 4K - May 30 (doubled his total walks for year)

2008 Andy Sisco Award Nominees

marbotty — Sun, 27 Apr 2008 19:52:14 -0000

What is it about the human condition that causes us to not only celebrate the accomplishments of our greatest people, exalting them when they win awards or break records or discover the polio vaccine, but to also take equal, if not greater, pleasure in mocking our greatest failures? (Like when someone fails to not get polio?)

This tendency to lavish praise on our heroes (heroes like our 32nd president, Franklin D. Roosevelt), while throwing tomatoes at the losers (like loser Franklin D. Roosevelt, polio-sufferer), is pervasive in modern society.

Need proof? Pick up a copy of the nearest paparazzi-rag, and you're sure to find a best-dressed list on page 5, and a worst-dressed list on page 6.

Speaking of worst dressed: Remember when that swan went to the Oscars dressed as Bjork?

If picking up a magazine is too much work for you, then just turn on the television. You can celebrate the very pinnacle in television broadcasting by watching The Daily Show/Colbert Report, and then 10 hours later punish yourself by waking up to The View.

In her defense, I'm sure Sherri Shepherd only thinks the world is flat because she reads so much Tom Friedman.

This love/hate dichotomy is omnipresent, but it is perhaps most noticable in the world of sports, where the winners and losers are so easily defined. And as much as we like to stay above the fray, Royals Review is not immune to this phenomenon. We, too, celebrate the greats and mock the goats.

Why do we do it? Because we are small, small people. Also, it's fun.

Specifically, we honor these two areas annually in a pair of awards that were originally the brainchild of poster daveyork. The second of these two, the Andy Sisco award, is given to the pitcher who excels one year and then fails miserably the next. For you literary buffs, the award sort of follows the story arc of a greek tragedy, except without the fratricide.

Well, that's enough exposition, yes? You're getting you money's worth, anyway. Let's see this year's nominees.

Brian Bannister

2007 ERA 3.87 WHIP 1.21

As recently as a few weeks ago, Bannister looked like the favorite to win the award, as pessimism was abound, not just among the RR faithful, but among the baseball community in general.

Despite being successful in 2007, and revealing himself as perhaps the most cerebral ballplayer in the majors during a series of articles over the winter, there were several reasons for concern about Bannister's 2008 season.

For one, his stuff isn't particularly overwhelming, and his strikeout rates never suggested much more than an average pitcher. Most disturbingly, his batting average on balls in play (BABIP) in 2007 was extremely low. For those not familiar with BABIP, it basically attempts to measure how lucky a particular pitcher is during an individual year. In general, this number rests around .300, i.e. if a batter puts the ball in play, there's a 30% chance it will go for a hit.

Bannister's BABIP was among the lowest in the majors, at around .260. The concern is that it will regress to the mean... the closer that number comes to the expected .300, the more players will reach base and the worse Bannister's ERA will become.   So, in other words, the concern is that Bannister's luck will not hold up and he will get shelled at some point.

The early returns, however, are very positive on Bannister avoiding that fate.  Has he truly mastered  what some have deemed impossible, and bucked the BABIP monkey from his back?  Are the improvements to his K rate for real?  We'll know soon enough.

Gil Meche

2007 ERA 3.67 WHIP 1.29

Last year's "Jose Guillen," Meche was probably the most discussed Royal coming into 2007. Moore's first major free agent signing, all discussions involving Meche were as polarized as could be -- mention his name to a fan and you were bound to get 100 different opinions.

Actually, you were bound to get two major opinions. Either he was a highly talented pitcher on the verge of "putting it all together" and displaying a Chris Carpenter-esque emergence as a #1 starter and maybe even potential Cy Young candidate, or he was a colossal waste of $55 million, a league average pitcher (or worse) signed for a franchise-record amount of money that could potentially cripple the team's efforts to sign free agents in the future?

Gil's 2007 was sparkling, meaning guys like me who chose the latter option were left eating crow. Of course, his 2008 is making guys like me look like geniuses. As with most situations where opinions are so radically different, the truth probably lies somewhere in between -- Gil is neither as good as his 2007 but still a good value all the same. Back to Gil, if he ends his tenure with the Royals with an ERA in the low to mid 4's, I think most will believe it was a good signing, although perhaps a tiny bit expensive. If Gil continues his current collision course for crapdom, however, I think this could potentially lose Dayton a lot of fans, and perhaps even his job at some point. (Depending, of course, on how his other free agents pan out, and most importantly, how much the team improves, or doesn't improve, during Gil's tenure.)

Right now, it's impossible to not view Meche as the frontrunner for the Sisco, but again, it's very early, and anything can happen. One has to wonder if Bell's misuse of Meche at the end of the season, in which he ran up Meche's pitch counts in several games that were essentially meaningless, has contributed to Meche's early problems in 2008. If it has, I hope we re-hire Bell just so we can fire him again a few hours later.

Joakim Soria

2007 ERA 2.48 WHIP .94

Hey, remember that guy who we got in the Rule V draft, who completely dominated the league, struck out more than a batter an inning, led the team in ERA, and even served as a closer for parts of the year?

That guy's name was Andy Sisco.

While it may have made sense to make a comparison to the two prior to the season starting, at this point, it's clear Soria's not going to find himself victim to the same fate as Andrew Phinneus Sisco, III.   Soria was the natural Sisco Award candidate on account of the situational similarities, but unless Joakim suffers an injury or an Ankiel-type meltdown, there's absolutely no reason to think he'll win the award.

I'm taking a risk by saying this, but... Soria is good. There, I said it.

Zack Greinke

2007 ERA 3.69 WHIP 1.29

In some circles, Greinke may have been a bit of a trendy pick to win the Sisco coming into 2008. After all, his career has followed a rather unusual arc, going from great to terrible to AWOL to bullpen to starter. It was understandable to feel a bit of trepidation about Greinke's chances coming into the season, in light of all the uncertainty associated with the man.

A lot of people were actually quite displeased last season when Moore/Bell announced Greinke was going to be removed from the bullpen and thrust into the rotation. After all, he seemed to have finally found some stability, and in many respects, was pitching better than he ever had. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" was the adage applied most frequently. And while its hard to condemn that line of thinking, there was clearly a pressing need in the rotation and Greinke, thus far, anyway, seems to be a perfect fit.

I just hope that those folks who are concerned about Soria's potential leap to the rotation look at Greinke's situation and find a bit of comfort there. It can work, and it can help out the team immensely.

Considering how well Greinke's been pitching as of late, there's no real reason to believe he'll come close to winning the Sisco.

Other potential Sisco winners: Gobble, Bale, Nomo. Okay, not Nomo.

Mahay Traded

marbotty — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:45:09 -0000

From MLBTraderumors.com. I have to say, I didn't see this one coming:

Astros Acquire Ron Mahay

According to Troy E. Renck of the Houston Chronicle, the Royals traded reliever Ron Mahay to the Astros for a player to be named later. In an accompanying move, the Astros placed closer Brad Lidge on the 60-day Disabled List.

The 36 year-old lefty reliever is coming off of a successful 2007 in which he split time with Texas and Atlanta, posting a 2.55 ERA and logging 55 strikeouts in 67 innings. While we would still want to hear the official word from the Astros' skipper, we'd be surprised if Mahay isn't among the candidates for the closer's role in Lidge's absence.

As for speculation on who the Royals may receive in return as the PTBNL, both Humberto Quintero and Reggie Abercrombie have been mentioned as possibilities.

Posted on March 31, 2008 at 11:47 PM in Houston Astros, Kansas City Royals, Ron Mahay | Permalink "

This doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me. Quintero was recently DFA'd, so there was a good chance we could have just picked him up off of waivers, rather than give up Mahay for him. Besides, with Olivo, do we really need another catcher?

As for Abercrombie, that would be a terrible option. The only reason I could think we'd go to such drastic measures would be if DDJ's injury is worse than expected and Hillman doesn't have enough faith in Gathright to play center, and Abercrombie represents a warm body.

I really hope the player to be named is a prospect, because otherwise Moore just got hosed.

Sabermetric Brown and the Case of the 2007 Draft

marbotty — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 00:58:47 -0000

As far as towns go, the town of Mudville was not particularly notable. It didn't have any great museums, or interesting landmarks, or natural features that would make it stand out from dozens of other small towns in America.

So, it is not what Mudville offered, so much as who was living there, that made it such an interesting place to visit. You see, Mudville was the home of Sabermetric Brown, a sneaker-wearing, baseball enthusiast who had a knack for solving mysteries. More so than any adult in town, or anyone else for that matter, you could count on Sabermetric to get to the bottom of any type of mind-boggler. The remarkable thing was that he was only ten years old!

Sabermetric's father was Mr. Brown, a journalist who covered major league baseball. Mr. Brown was proud of his writing skills and analytic ability, and had a loyal group of readers who enjoyed reading his weekly column. But every now and then, Mr. Brown would come across a story or topic that he couldn't quite understand. That's when he'd turn to Sabermetric for help.

One particular evening, Mr. Brown was sitting at his desk in the study, rubbing his forehead, when Sabermetric and Mrs. Brown entered the room.

"Oh, Sabermetric, I'm glad you're here," Mr. Brown stated. "I came across a story that`s got me puzzled."

"This doesn't have to do with the HGH scandal, does it?" Sabermetric said. "Because we solved that last week."

This doesn't have to do with the HGH scandal, does it?

Mr. Brown shook his head. "No, fortunately, that's over and done with. Unless Congress can come up with another $36 million, that is."

Mr. Brown pointed at an article on his computer monitor. It was from Baseball Prospectus, a website Mr. Brown frequented often for interesting facts and story ideas.

"I can't figure it out. They're reviewing each team's minor league system," Mr. Brown furrowed his brow. "I thought the Royals were improving, but according to this they've dropped 13 spots!"

Mrs. Brown put her hand on her hips. "Oh, Harold, you know that they graduated both Gordon and Butler to the majors. A drop was only natural."

Mr. Brown looked up at Mrs. Brown in bewilderment. "That's what I thought at first, too. But teams graduate players all the time. Not to mention that the Royals dropped more than both Seattle and the Tigers, two teams that traded away half their farm this offseason."

"Wow, that really is queer," Mrs. Brown blurted. "What could it mean?"

"Oh, it's not so odd when you think about it," Sabermetric said. "In fact, it seems pretty obvious."

The two looked at Sabermetric in amazement. Sabermetric had solved the riddle again.

WHAT DID SABERMETRIC KNOW THAT HAS PARENTS DID NOT?

"It's simple logic," Sabermetric explained to his family. "If you want your farm system to rate high, you have to draft well."

Sabermetric took the mouse from his father, and navigated to the Baseball Cube website.

"The Royals did something unique last year," Sabermetric continued. "See if you can guess what it is."

Both Mr. and Mrs. Brown peered over Sabermetric's shoulder at the website. Mr. Brown shook his head again.

"Beats me, Sabermetric," he said. "I'm stumped."

"There's something peculiar about their draft strategy," said Sabermetric. Based on his parent's expressions, he could tell that they still didn't understand.

"Okay, I'll give you a hint." Sabermetric scrolled down to a certain part of the webpage. "There's two things of note here."

Sabermetric leaned back in his chair so his parents could get a better look.

"The first is that you'll notice nobody that they drafted played above Rookie Ball last year."

"Hmm, is that unusual?" asked Mrs. Brown.

"Only if you look at every other team in the majors." Sabermetric smiled slyly.

"It's true, Margaret," Mr. Brown said. "You'll rarely see that happen."

Mrs. Brown gave Sabermetric a look. "Okay, Sabermetric, you might be onto something there. What's the other thing we should have noticed?"

"Look at their first 10 draft picks. Do you notice any patterns?" the young enthusiast queried.

"Well, they do all seem awfully young." Mr. Brown offered.

"Exactly!" said Sabermetric. "8 out of the 10 were drafted straight out of high school."

"What's so special about that?" Mrs. Brown asked.

"Well," began Sabermetric. "If you look at every other team in baseball, they all used at least half of their first 10 picks on college players. In fact, most used seven or eight."

"It's true!" exclaimed Mr. Brown. "Why, Baltimore used all 10 on Collegians!"

"Yes," Sabermetric said, "but Baltimore is stupid."

Mrs. Brown fanned her face and slumped down into a chair, overcome with emotion.

"What does it all mean?" wondered Mr. Brown. "Did the Royals blow the draft?"

"Yes and no," Sabermetric explained. "One could say they were too unconventional with their draft, relied too much on unproven talent, and now are paying for it."

"That sure sounds crummy," sulked Mr. Brown.

Sabermetric continued, "On the other hand, maybe Dayton Moore was wise enough to see that all of the other teams were drafting guys out of college, and took advantage of inefficiencies in the market, so he focused on high schoolers instead."

"So, you think maybe Dayton was looking for the next Andruw Jones?" Mr. Brown asked.

"Inefficiency in the what now?" Mrs. Brown cried. "I don't understand, dear."

"Are you sure I'm not adopted?" Sabermetric smirked. "What I'm trying to say is that maybe the Royals made the right choice. Maybe all the good college players were being scooped up, leaving a bunch of prime 18 year olds for the taking..."

"Wow, that's a relief," interrupted Mr. Brown.

"...or maybe Dayton Moore is just retarded," finished Sabermetric.

"Oh, my!" gasped Mrs. Brown. "That is some mouth you have on you."

"It sure is, Sabermetric," glowered Mr. Brown. "Are you sure you're not adopted?"

Mr. Brown grabbed Sabermetric by the ear and led him to the doorway. "Up to your room, son, to think about what you just said."

"Ah, jeez," Sabermetric pleaded. "Don't you want to know if the Royals made a mistake with their draft?"

Mr. Brown looked at his son sternly. "Too late, Sabermetric. It looks like we'll just have to let the readers decide."

Poll

What do you think? Should the Royals have drafted more seniors?

Kansas-Missouri Gameday Thread

marbotty — Sat, 24 Nov 2007 16:13:40 -0000

We're still 15 hours away, many of you are asleep right now, and this isn't even baseball-related, but there is no denying that tonight's game is probably the biggest ever in the history of both the Kansas and Missouri programs.

So, in honor and in anticipation of this great event, I thought I'd get the ball rolling with a gameday thread.

Any predictions on the game score? I'm going with Kansas 31, Missouri 28.

Poll

Who will win tonight's game?

Yahoo Free Agent Rankings

marbotty — Thu, 15 Nov 2007 07:50:36 -0000

Not sure if we're sick of these sort of things yet, but for those still interested, here's Yahoo's Jeff Passan's rankings of all 144 free agents:

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=jp-freeagentrankings111207&prov=yhoo&type=lgns

There are 26 free agent outfielders. Below, I've listed the ones we'd probably be most interested in. Hunter, Guillen, Jenkins, and Bradley all get mentioned here a lot, but what are your thoughts on guys like Brad Wilkerson and Corey Patterson?

Andruw Jones (30)
Torii Hunter (32)
Barry Bonds (43)
Kosuke Fukudome (30)
Aaron Rowand (30)
Mike Cameron (35)
Jose Guillen (31)
Brad Wilkerson (30)
Milton Bradley (29)
Corey Patterson (28)
Geoff Jenkins (33)

Also, this was somewhat amusing:

144. Neifi Perez (34) - Officially the worst player in the class of '08, and he's still got time left on his amphetamine suspension. Could this be the end of the Neifi Index?

Probably wasn't a coincidence that Passan used to write for the KC Star and went with Neifi as the worst overall. He's wrong about the Neifi Index, though. That thing will never die.

A-Rod, the Red Sox, and the Demise of the Yankees

marbotty — Tue, 13 Nov 2007 23:22:47 -0000

Few characters in sports evoke stronger emotions than Alex Rodriguez, that rare breed of athlete that is either loved or loathed, praised or reviled. Just as with other controversial superstars, guys like Mike Tyson, Barry Bonds, Ty Cobb, or Barbaro, one cannot help but have an opinion of the man that rests on one extreme or the other.

He is a hero or he is a villain, a godsend or a terror; there is no middle ground, no room for nuanced thought or equivocation. Any who profess otherwise are either ignorant of the game of baseball or are to be dismissed out of hand as a lunatic. Or both.

While readers of this site certainly need no further example or explanation of this love-hate dichotomy, one could find it on full display in a recent yahoo article in which Rodriguez revealed an interest in playing for the Boston Red Sox in 2008. While the article itself isn't especially noteworthy, the comments from the Red Sox faithful perfectly illustrate the emotional divide among baseball fans when it comes to pondering A-Rod.

What was particularly interesting was that the vast majority of Red Sox fans held Rodriguez in contempt, and considered signing him an enormous mistake. Feel free to take a look at them, you'll see what I mean.

While there were myriad arguments and personal attacks made against Alex, they all had one thing in common: they were all correct. Alex Rodriguez is a terrible baseball player, and an even worse human being, sure to bring misfortune to any team that has the audacity to sign him.

a colossal failure by any metric

Let's look at the evidence.

A-ROD RUINED THE YANKEES

Heading into 2004, the year Alex Rodriguez first rode his stallion of failure into Yankee Stadium, the Yankees were coming off a historic period of success. From 1995-2003, the Yankees had nine straight years of playoff appearances, including four World Championships. During that stretch, the Yankees averaged an astounding 96 wins per year, easily the best in all of the majors, and perhaps one of the best runs of any team in ML history.

It was then that the Yankees let the success get to its collective heads, and in an astounding display of pinstripe-y arrogance, they traded for a four-time MVP winner, naively believing he might help their team in some fashion.

The results were predictably disastrous. After bringing the cancerous shortstop on board, the Yankees only went to the playoffs four out of the four years that he played there, winning only a paltry 96.75 games per season, barely more than any other team in the Majors.

The nadir of A-Rod's career with the Yankees came this year, when New York only managed 94 wins, finishing 2 games behind division leading Boston, and settling for an embarrassing Wild Card berth. All this despite the Yankees owning a team ERA of 4.49, which ranked just behind our own beloved Kansas City Royals (4.48), which just proves that with a competent offense, the Yankees could have tasted a modicum of success.

A-ROD IS SELFISH

What was the first thing Alex Rodriguez did when he came to the Yankees, and they asked him to shift from shortstop to third baseman, because they already had an inferior defensive player manning that position in Derek Jeter? He complied with the request. Ergo ipso facto, he's an A-Hole. (By the way, how come nobody ever thought of calling him by that name before? Even better: Nim-Rod. Get it? Somebody should write in to suggest these to Peter Gammons.)

Obviously, there's more of a case to be made for A-Rod's selfishness than just a willingness to shift positions to help a team. But perhaps in order to understand selfish play, one must first define un-selfish play. And everyone knows that the only way to be an unselfish baseball player is to do the little things right that help win ballgames - you know, stuff like sacrificing over the base runner, or bunting when the situation calls for it.

I'm sure some of the more skeptical readers might say, well, he led the league in homeruns, why would you ask him to bunt?

In response, let me ask you this: how many times did Buddy Bell ask his cleanup hitter to bunt over the baserunner? A lot. So why didn't A-Rod do it for NY? Probably because he's a dick.

Oh, and just how many times did "Me First" Rodriguez bother to hit sacrifice flies?

The answer is 9, which means he almost finished outside of the top 10 in the major leagues in that category, and probably would have, if he had his way. But he didn't, most likely because:

A-ROD PLAYS ONLY FOR STATS

A lot of hullaballoo has been made about A-Rod's 57 homeruns this year. But what hasn't been really discussed is how little Alex did to actually help his team win. He greedily compiled 156 RBIs this season and 143 runs, for the sole reason of stat-padding. If this weren't the case, and he didn't play just for stats, then why didn't he work harder to strand a runner once in a while, or make more base-running errors?

The answer is simple. He didn't, because he's all about the numbers, regardless of whatever deleterious effects this may have on the team's chances of winning.

How many rallies did Alex end when he cleared the bases with a 3-run homer, when he could have instead kept the rally going with a weak pop out to first? For Rodriguez, those three RBIs were always the most important thing. Winning took a distant second, if it got any consideration at all.

A-ROD ISN'T CLUTCH

You know, one of the reasons why A-Rod sucks so bad is because he isn't a clutch hitter. They've actually come up with a stat called LIPS that shows how well a player did with a runner on 2nd in a tight game in the later innings. A-Rod's performance was a paltry .345/.413/.608 over the course of the year.

Okay, admittedly, that looks sort of high. But I'm guessing he hit so well just to make all of his other teammates look bad.

Why then, you may ask, did he take 2nd on the team to Jason Giambi's .323/.400/.645? Clearly this was A-Rod's way of endorsing Giambi's steroid use.

A-ROD WILL RUIN THE RED SOX

If you read the article referenced at the top of this post, you'll notice that a lot of Red Sox fans were downright hostile to the idea of bringing Lame Rod (man, I should get paid for coming up with these) on board.

And who can blame them? The Red Sox are WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS! And they won so many games this year not on the strength of their league-leading pitching but because they had Julio Lugo and Mike Lowell. And guess who's first to go if you sign Alex Rodriguez? One of those guys, I guess.

Is Rodriguez's 1.067 OPS really an improvement over Lowell's .867? Of course not. Lowell's got a World Series ring. All Rodriguez has is 320 more career homeruns.

And how disastrous would it be to replace Julio Lugo and his .643 OPS with multiple gold-glove winning Alex Rodriguez?

For one thing, Alex Rodriguez is already a much older player than Lugo, by about 90 days. (Not to mention Lugo's originally from the Dominican Republic, so odds are he's actually even younger.) For another, Lugo has shown he Knows How to Win. Has Rodriguez? Well, he doesn't have a ring, now, does he.

Most importantly, though, and the reason sited most often (and correctly) by Red Sox fans, this would be a mistake because it would disrupt team chemistry. Lugo is a hero and you can't quantify those sort of things.

Julio Lugo, the Marie Curie of team chemistry

Just imagine: do you think Josh Beckett would be able to pitch as effectively if in the back of his mind he knew Alex Rodriguez, not Julio Lugo, was 15 feet behind him? How can the pitchers rely on A-Rod to get to ground balls when they know there's likely to be an enormous wallet in his pocket weighing him down? How much more often would David Ortiz or Manny Ramirez strike out with Team Chemistry Destroyer Alex Rodriguez hitting behind them? Would they even bother to show up to the games at all?

(Secretly, though, I hope the Red Sox fans don't get their wish and they end up signing him. I know that's a bit sadistic of me, but I just fear that otherwise he'll somehow end up on the Royals and he'll drag down the team to the tune of an additional 10-15 wins next year.)

A-ROD RUINED THE NATIONAL DISCOURSE

I've mentioned a lot of reasons why A-Rod is so terrible for the game, but there's one reason above all to hate the guy.

Somewhere along the line, some teammate or lazy sports journalist came up with the idea to shorten his name to A-Rod. Probably seemingly innocuous at the time, so Alex probably never sent in a letter to the editor to request a retraction.

What's happened as a result? Now every name in the world has to be shortened. Without A-Rod, there would be no I-Rod, or K-Rod, or F-Rod. There'd be no K-Fed, or J-Lo, or LiLo, or Bennifer or Brangelina or Bennifergelina floating around, just waiting to dumb down our national dialogue even further. Puff Daddy wouldn't have become P.Diddy. Prince wouldn't have changed his name to some sort of hybrid hieroglyphic cuneiform-type thingy.

Way to not see this becoming a trend and putting an end to it early, jackass.

Somehow this is all your fault, Alex

The Royals' Five Most Intriguing Minor Leaguers of 2007

marbotty — Sun, 16 Sep 2007 22:28:44 -0000

editor's note: today's article guest blogged by Clem Shepherd

Do you ever have them dreams where you keep livin' the same horrific event over and over again? I believe they call 'em recurring nightmares, or some phrase all scientific-y like that.

Well, I have a recurring nightmare, and his name is Marbotty, that shit-for-brains feller who seems to fashion he's a Royals expert or somethin', and who keeps asking me to save his rump whenever he needs content for one of these "sports blag" hoohahs they do on the internets.

Now, he's a "royal expert" alright: an expert at being a royal pain in my tuckus. And by that I mean my hind-quarters. And in case you still don't follow me, I'm talking about my derriere. (That's for all you damn francophones. )

Anyway, Marbotty compiled a list of players, and their statistics, and asked me to write a bit about them. Like I ain't got nothing better to do.

Well, I don't. But that's only because I'm 78 years old and got a bum ticker. That's also why I didn't kick his rear to Santa Fe. (Although, I figure I could still kick it to Albuquerque.)

Anyway, let's just get this over with.

1. Michael Moustakas
Drafted: 1st Round, 2007 Position: SS Key Stats: .293/.383/.439 Team: Idaho Falls Chukars

Now, I admit I didn't know who this Moustakas character was, so I asked Clem, Jr. to look him up for me on one of her internet-mails. Well, she learned me a couple of things.

First, it turns out he was the number 2 overall pick in this year's draft.

(Talk about digging deep to find an "intriguing" minor leaguer - you're a regular Alfred Einstein, Marbotty.)

Okay, second, it turns out that a group of young folks have started calling him Moose Tacos. Now, they probably came up with that name in jest, but it weren't too funny to me.

See, back in '68 I found myself stranded up in the northern territories, and as luck would have it, I got to sample some of the local cuisine. That's why I can tell you firsthand that while Moose Tacos might taste purty good, it ain't worth the Moose Squirts you get the next day. And if you don't follow me, I'm talking about my hind-quarters again.

It might as well read "Montezuma's Revenge" on their shirts, for all I'm concerned

Off topic: found out that the feller pictured below kicked off the season with a rousing speech during the opening game for Idaho Falls. Seemed to be a pretty savvy political move, if you want my gosh-to-honest opinion. You know how it goes: you win over minor-league-baseball-watching-Idahoans, you win over the nation.

Alright. Back to baseball. Who's next? 2. Peter Mitchell Hodge Nielsen
Drafted: 4th Round, 2007 Position: P Key Stats: 4.24 ERA, 1.40 WHIP, 35 K's in 42 innings Team: AZL Royals

Well, to be honest I don't know what's so damn intriguing about this kid. The only thing even remotely interesting about him is that he's Canadian and that he's got 4 names. Well, guess what Mr. Maple Leaf, I've got five names: "Clem I Hate Canadians Shepherd." So put that in your bat and cork it.

Shucks, though. What the hell kinda name is that, anyway? He's probably the type of guy that goes around using made up words like "tally-ho" or "dilly-dally" or "thesaurus." The type of guy whose favorite sport is croquet, and who wears a sweater tied over a white polo while washing his car. The type of guy that uses napkins and washes his hands after using "the loo." You know, the type of guy that thinks he's better than Clem Shepherd.

Well, he's not, or my middle name ain't "I Hate Canadians."

3. Sam Runion
Drafted 2007, 2nd Round Position: P Key Stats: 51 k's in 51 innings, 3:1 K:BB ratio Team: AZL Royals

You know, I came down with a case of the Runions once. Ol' Doc Parsons said it was incurable. This chapped my hide since it meant I wouldn't be able to ride out to Cheyenne to see my sweet Tess.

So, I came up with my own cure for this supposedly incurable disease when I fried up some lard and shallots together and smeared the concoction on my ailing feet. Well, wouldn't you know it, but that durned thing worked like a charm, and I was off in no time.

Of course, Ol' Doc came across town to investigate, and after he saw what I had done, ended up marketing my wondercure as a sort of ring-shaped, shallot-based equivalent to the common potato chip. Durned thing sold like hot cakes.

Talk about throwing science down the drain for the sake of personal glory, though.

4. Angel Berroa
Drafted: 1999 Position: SS Key Stats: .300/.364/.433 8 hrs Team: Omaha Royals

Hate to admit it, but this was another youngster I hadn't heard of before. From the looks of it, though, I bet fans in KC can't wait for him to get called up. A .300 hitter with power? At shortstop?!

Don't worry, kid. You'll get your first taste of the bigs soon enough. And based on your current production, I reckon you'll have a purty good chance at winning yourself a little hardware when you do.

Help is here soon, Kansas City!

5. Mike Stodolka
Drafted 2000, 1st Round Position: 1B Key Stats: .291/.402/.462 73:91 BB:K ratio Team: Wichita Wranglers

You know, this actually is one of the more exciting guys in the Royals system. He was initially drafted to pitch for the R's back at the turn of the century, but he couldn't hack it and started playing first base. And by the looks of things, he's done alright for himself.

Mike Stodolka, shown warming up in 2002

It's a regular Horatio Alger story, except without the whole destitution part. (Don't ask me what that means -- Clem Jr. printed it off from something called "Wikipedia," which I imagine must be some sort of space encyclopedia that the Ewoks use.)

Back to Stodolka. Now, if I were Buddy Bell, I'd be lobbying Dayton More to bring him up to the major leagues as quickly as possible. That way, I could keep him on the bench for the rest of his season/career, so as to teach the kid a thing or two about trying and another thing or two about how much I hate him. (I reckon he's a Canadian. Sounds like one, anyway. )