SB Nation User Blog: oldasquick

Housecoat of Horrors!

oldasquick — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 13:59:24 -0000

I write a weekly humor column for a local magazine in Arizona. On occasion, I'll try and throw in and Eagle reference, or a Cowboys jab. My recent column does both. No great substance here, just a little fun. (Unedited, so please excuse any typos!

HOUSECOAT OF HORRORS!

Mark my words, "Death by Snuggie" will become the catch phrase of 2010.

I predict a huge uptick in Snuggie related emergency room visits, and Snuggie related lawsuits. It won't be long before this "blanket with sleeves" is connected to one or more fatalities. Think I'm kidding?

I admit it, I own a Snuggie, but I did not buy it myself. I received it as a gag gift for my 50th birthday. My kids destroyed the box shortly thereafter, so I was unable to re-gift it to some unsuspecting elderly relative, as I had hoped. It's been balled up in a corner of my closet ever since, just lying in wait. Today the Snuggie struck!

On this particularly chilly morning something deep inside beckoned me to don the Snuggie. Maybe it was a quasi-subliminal message from an infomercial playing as I was drifting off to sleep the night before, I can't really say for sure. Since I'm not big into conspiracy theories, I suspect that I was just cold and it was the first thing I grabbed.

I admit that I did not read the instructions before putting it on, but I'd seen the commercial 20-30 times so I naturally assumed that I could manage a backwards bathrobe. Later I discovered that the Snuggie does not come with instructions, let alone safety warnings. I'm here to change that.

The first thing that struck me was how long it was. I'm 6'1" and the sucker still hung three inches past the floor. I vividly recalled that perky mom in the commercial maneuvering through her kitchen to pour a blistering hot cup of coffee, so I naturally assumed that a strapping lad like me could navigate a set of stairs carrying my own coffee mug and newspaper. I was sadly mistaken! WARNING: Snuggies should not be worn on stairs unless you are 6'4" or taller. Both hands should be free when navigating rough terrain while wearing a Snuggie!

The next design glitch I discovered is that the dang thing will not stay on unless you are seated or lying down. Didn't I see that family (who resembled a flock of Trappist Monks) joyously celebrating at a local sporting event? Upon further review, I noticed that they remained seated while joyously celebrating. WARNING: Do not stand, jump, do "the wave", or otherwise leave a seated position while joyously celebrating at a sporting event, cloaked in a Snuggie. If you must stand, please wear a bicycle helmet at all times.

The final health hazard that I've discovered is the near certain pain and bruising associated to wearing this contraption to an actual sporting event. While they do come in burgundy, passable for Arizona Cardinals team colors, I pity the family who decides to go dressed as "Team Snuggie" to a game against, for instance, my beloved Philadelphia Eagles. While I do no advocate violence, in this case I might consider making an exception. WARNING: Never wear a Snuggie to sporting events with the possible exception of ice skating competitions and chess tournaments. If you ever find yourself being chased by an angry mob while wearing a Snuggie, quickly remove it and drape it around and unsuspecting Dallas Cowboys fan.

Along with the plethora of fatalities, injuries, and lawsuits associated with this "Housecoat of Horrors", I predict a worldwide massive recall to have the Snuggie retrofitted with a Velcro sash to keep it from falling off and tripping you to death. Or maybe they'll just cash in on the public outcry by selling the New and Improved Snuggie, now with matching "Beltie" and first aid kit!

Oh so Romo-licious!

oldasquick — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:03:44 -0000

Oh so Romo-licious!

I just had to post this on the Cowboy's site after reading about Tony's brain fart...
I won't say I told you so...

Ok, I will. For all of you homers (Romers?) who went on the BGN site last year and delighted in D-Mac’s failure to understand the overtime rules… SUCK ON THIS!

I hear the real reason Tony dumped Jessica was because she was always an hour late. Turns out Tony was just reading his watch wrong (teeheehee)!

John Clayton is a Skinny Little Idiot!

oldasquick — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 15:43:03 -0000

(as opposed to a big fat idiot) In yet another example of why "The Professor" must have gotten his degree at Stupid University, in his recent "1st & 10" column, he makes this statement:

You could see in Vick's first preseason appearance as an Eagle that his presence, specifically in the Wildcat formation, affected McNabb's rhythm.

Memo to the ponytailed one: I was a freaking PRESEASON game!

In Clayton's defense, he's just parroting the same nonsense spewed from the lips of other Mothership geniuses like Mark "I can't spell my own name" Schlereth, and Tim "my wife thought she was marrying Matt" Hasselbach. To take a handful of plays, in a preseason game, and use that as a basis for a whole season is not only stupid, but stoopid as well.

It was obvious to anyone who has not suffered from multiple head traumas (Schlereth & Hasselbach) or 40 years of "alleged" high grade Northwest cannabis exposure (Clayton) that the whole mindset in getting Vick some PT was to get his feet wet and to put some ugly thoughts into the minds of opposing team's defensive coordinators. Between you and me, I think D-Mac's mild irritation with regard to rhythm was just a ploy to deflect attention away from his friend Vick (Mission Accomplished!)

Come December, we'll see if The Professor was right, but it's my guess that by then he'll be on to other wild hypotheses, like "why the Eagles total domination of the regular season will hurt them in the playoffs". It must be nice to have a job where you're paid to make forecasts that makes a weatherman's accuracy look like Nostradamus!

Tra Thomas out at Jacksonville?

oldasquick — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:57:58 -0000

Tra Thomas out at Jacksonville?

Looks like it's 50/50 at this point.

Help a brother out?

oldasquick — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:44:11 -0000

Help a brother out?

(Jason-if this is a TOS violation- my apologies, I'll take my punishment like a man!)
For about the last five years, I've been working to fulfill a lifelong dream to get a TV gig. While I have a "real" job and a family to support, in my spare time I do stand up, emcee local charity events, and do a little local TV. Yesterday, a friend of mine sent me a link to a contest HGTV is having, called "Stud Finder" (pretty lame name...) The winner gets his own home improvement show- I was a contractor for 25 years, so it's a good fit.

Just for shits and giggles, I entered a video clip from a morning show a did a while back and told some friends. Long story short, thanks to viral marketing by myself and others, I became the second highest rated video, in just one day!

I'd appreciate it if you could click on the link here and rate my entry. You'll see by some of the comments that I've pissed off the some of the other contestants (prolly Cowboy fans) because I didn't submit an "amateur" video...bunch of haters!

As a diehard Eagles fan of over 40 years, I promise to "represent" if I get the gig. Plus, you'll get to listen to someone who speaks with a normal accent!

New Orleans Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey was taken to the hospital after becoming dehydrated...

oldasquick — Tue, 26 May 2009 15:19:16 -0000

New Orleans Saints tight end Jeremy Shockey was taken to the hospital after becoming dehydrated near a swimming pool while attending a party with several NFL players in Las Vegas, spokesman Greg Bensel said on Sunday.

Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink!

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=4203459

Eagles work out Pat White

oldasquick — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:20:10 -0000

When I raised the possibility of the Birds picking up Mike Vick, I thought he'd be an interesting project as a wildcat/ returner/slot guy. Now it seems they have the same thought about Pat White.

I have to admit, the thought of a guy like that is intriguing. Maybe a fourth round reach? How about a low third round? We have so many freaking draft picks, I can't keep them straight!

Hmmm, I wonder how D-Mac would feel about drafting another QB?

Give Vick a Chance

oldasquick — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 14:29:52 -0000

Before the flames begin, i want it to be known that I am an animal lover who helps financially support a local animal rescue, and I'm also the owner of an awesome Pit Bull/Mastiff mix that was a rescue. That said, I think Vick deserves another shot, and I'd like to see the Eagles give him one.

Sign him to a one year, incentive laden contract that includes a required community service clause. Let him face the fire of the Philly media, fans, and animal lovers. Give him a chance to turn his mistakes into a positive, or hang himself if he hasn't truly turned his life around. While there's a downside of course, the upside is a continued spotlight on animal cruelty and dog fighting, and the opportunity for a human being to redeem himself.

As a player, we use him as an H-back, kick/punt retuner, 4th receiver, and wildcat component. With that kind of speed, defenses will have to scheme for him. Think of him as a replacement for G-Lew, with more tools.

I will don my asbestos overcoat and await your responses.

Only in Cincinnati!

oldasquick — Tue, 03 Feb 2009 22:31:55 -0000

Read the whole story here, but the quote below says it all!

In response to his pleas, an officer said: "You think we've never arrested somebody that's made national media? ... We deal with the Bengals all the time."

This is from a transcript of a video taken shortly after Mississippi head coach Andy Kennedy was arrested by Cincinnati Police for assault on a cab driver.

Even though I'm still mourning the Eagles loss in the NFC Chamopionship, I can still feel a bit of gratitude that I'm not a Bengals fan!

Hey Andy, get me some weapons this off season! Hey Andy, get me some weapons this off season! Hey Andy, get me some weapons this off season! Hey Andy, get me some weapons this off season! Hey Andy, get me some weapons this off season!

What is Big Red's record...

oldasquick — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 21:05:02 -0000

(notice we're all galling him something other than "F.B." these days?) Against an opponent he has faced the second time in the same season? I seem to remember that it is fairly impressive. I know Jim Johnson just loves fresh film with which to plan his schemes!

Fly Eagles fly, on the road to victory. (FIGHT,FIGHT,FIGHT)
Fight Eagles fight, score a touchdown 1,2,3. ( 1,2,3)
Hit 'em low, hit 'em high,and watch our Eagles fly.
Fly Eagles fly, on the road to victory!
E-A-G-L-E-S - Eagles!