SB Nation User Blog: scrappy-doo

Fanpost For Things That Are [ED]Reallly Awesome: Matthew Powell Tribute Edition

scrappy-doo — Mon, 23 Mar 2009 17:46:32 -0000

Matthew Powell is leaving: That is most decidedly NOT fucking awesome. Still, I have a feeling he wouldn't want us to grieve in the wake of his departure. Matthew Powell was, and will always be, fucking awesome.

How Fucking Awesome Is He!? Just read these fucking awesome testimonials from people that fucking KNOW HIM!

"Well, the one thing I think of when I think of Matthew Powell, is that one time when we got trapped in a collapsed tunnel. I was really scared, and wasn't sure we were gonna make it out alive. I mean, all we had with us were the office supplies we had been going door to door with, trying to sell. Well, long story short, I started having panic attacks and hyperventilating like a hibernating bear with a clogged artery. Matthew set about finding a way for us to escape using only the stuff we had with us. It was a struggle, but sure enough, three rubber bands, five paperclips, two staplers, and one pencil sharpener later, he had made enough C4 to blow us right the heck out of that tunnel. Matthew just sort of walked off into the sunset after that, but I want him to know that, wherever he is, he really changed my life. Thank You, Matthew."

-MacGyver

Verdict: Ingenuity and Life Saving Skillz: Fucking Awesome!

"I remember when I was a small boy in Austria, I was constantly picked on because I was so tiny. I was bullied, and worse yet, girls didn't like me. Every day when I would walk to school, I would hear things like: "There goes the girly man", and "Don't take your shirt off! There might be a flabberlanche!" I didn't have many friends, so I had nobody to tell how much these words hurt me. Then, one day, I was walking back from school and the local bullies started to chase me and throw rocks. I ran around the corner into an alleyway and ran right into a brick wall. When I got up though, I discovered that it was no brick wall, but a man! He had the most impressive physique I had ever seen, even to this day. He picked me up and put me on his shoulder, and then proceed to stomp the bullies into the ground. I didn't care that this was a full grown man beating up small children. I wanted this kind of power. When it was all over, he set me down and told me that if I wanted everything he had and more, I had to start pumping iron at the local gym. Rest assured, I was never the same. Thank You, Matthew. You helped me terminate my insecurities!"

-Ahhhhhhhhhnold

Verdict: Hot Physique: Fucking Awesome!

"Well, Matthew came into my life at a point when I was just really down in the dumps. I had been through a rough breakup, and my self esteem was really low. He showed me, among other things (wink), that I was beautiful in mind as well as body. I had never been loved by a man so truly and completely. I only wish that his Warrior Spirit hadn't made him so restless. It seemed like no matter how much I yearned for his touch, he yearned for the battle more. It's been years since I've seen him, and I'm married now. My husband and I have a beautiful child and a good life, but I would give it all up to spend one more day with him. Matthew, if you read this, I still love you, and will always be yours alone."

-Jessica Alba

Verdict: Lover AND Fighter: Fucking Awesome!

"When they came to me and asked me what I remember most about Matthew Powell, I was initially shocked. Not that I had been asked about him, but that I had been asked to cite simply ONE thing. I thought about it long and hard, and then it hit me! I wouldn't have even been in this kind of position if it weren't for Matthew. I mean, just thinking about the life I had made for myself... None of it would've been possible without that chance meeting we had back in college. I had been unhappy with how things were turning out, as far as school was concerned, and my unhappiness was slowly carrying over into my passion. I had been trying to design a newer kind of coffee bean grinder, and things hadn't been working out the way I'd envisioned. I was just about ready to give up when, out of sheer despair, I threw one of my components out of my window. That's when I met him. Apparently, in my rage, I hadn't checked to see if I'd given my throw the proper trajectory, and I ended up hitting Matthew right in the melon! Well, you could color me shocked when I discovered that he wasn't angered in the slightest. In fact, he turned out to be sort of a techie himself. We talked for a bit about things and, before long, he ended up showing me that my true talent lay elsewhere. We set the groundwork in place for a new operating system that day. I wanted to call it Hot Sex, but Matthew suggested I call it Windows, after the window I threw my component out of. Fast forward almost thirty years later, and I'm just completely indebted to him. Matthew, my fortune is your fortune. Have your people call mine."

-Bill Gates

Verdict: Tech Savvy: Fucking Awesome!

"A lot of people have really come down on me over the past year or so. They say I "tainted the game" or whatever. The things is, all of these haters are so quick to just ASSUME I used steroids or HGH or what have you, to get better, that they never just asked me. I mean, I'm a fucking human being, man! I've got feelings, just the same as you. The only difference is, I'm rich. But money doesn't change the fact that people can still put a few chinks in this knight's armor, so to speak. They said such rotten things about me, and all they had to do was ask. I guess I kind of brought some of this on myself though, what with my stand-offish attitude and all. I feel like, given this new platform, I should finally just come clean. I had recently cheated on my wife for the thirtieth time or so, and for some reason, I just felt terrible about this one. Guilt ridden, I decided to take a walk. I didn't really know where I was going, and I probably should've worn something reflective at the very least. It was dark outside, and I was walking around a blind corner when POW! I got hit by a truck. I was laying on the ground, thinking that this was divine retribution for my infidelities. As I was making peace with the fact that my career, and probably my life were over, I discovered that I hadn't been hit by a truck at all. This guy, I didn't know who at the time, had been out for a jog, and had just SLAMMED right into me. He apologized as he helped me. He had a cell phone on him and rang for the paramedics, but then realized that they wouldn't make it in time. He sutured my wounds and gave me a blood transfusion right on the spot. I can't overstate how much better I felt literally RIGHT THAT SECOND. I mean, I got up and WALKED home. The man had introduced himself as Matthew before continuing on with his jog. Anyways, the next day, at BP, I was just straight ripping these balls into the stands! I mean, I knew I was good then, but now? Forget about it, son. The rest is just history. Matthew... Where do I start? Thanks buddy... 756 was all for you..."

-Barry Bonds

Verdict: Probably Superhuman Blood: Fucking Awesome!

"Matthew stole both my and Jason's women when we went to Mexico last year. I have to admit, I was pretty mad at that. Mad enough to where I let it affect my game. I mean, who does that to a guy? Especially when that guy is me!? Still, I've had a lot of time to think about what happened, and I feel like I kind of allowed it to happen, you know? I mean, who am I to think I could just show up at one of the most romantic vacation spots in the world and not expect the possibility that somebody THAT jaggedly handsome and debonair might also be there, too? I couldn't get it off my mind that next week to be sure, and I ended up taking my girl back, because I never did have much self esteem anyways. I just got really good at hiding it behind my boyishly enthusiastic smile and backwards hats... Still, I learned a valuable lesson, and anytime that happens, I guess you can only be mad at yourself... Thanks for teaching me about my own limits and destructability..."

-Tony Romo

Verdict: Jet Setting Womanizer: Fucking Awesome!

"Matthew, the next time you're in the Big Apple, I still owe you for taking that trip down to Mexico. Never could've pulled that one out without you. Thanks again, bro!"

-Eli Manning

Verdict: International Espionage: Fucking Awesome!

"All I have to say about that A-Hole is that I'm glad he's gone. I mean, I'm a freaking nationally syndicated frontrunner that generally has nothing useful to say, and this pissant upstart comes along and starts raining on my parade. Let's forget for a second that nobody cares about the Spurs. I mean, the only the thing anybody likes about that team is how much they love to hate them. But I digress... Matthew Powell, I hate your stinking guts! You are scuuuuuuum between my toes! Go Sawx! Go Pats! SportsGuy Out!"

-Bill Simmons (as dictated to The SportsGal)

Verdict: Inspiring Deep Seeded Hatred Through Insecurity Towards Personal Inadequacy: Fucking Awesome!

"I mean, let's forget for a second all the allure surrounding just the name. People hear that name, and they think greatness. Opposing players hear that name, and they get nervous. Let's forget all about that. The only thing you need to remember about this guy is that no other athlete in his or her respective field, has the ability to single handedly dominate and change the outcome of a game like Kobe can. And- huh? We're not talking about Kobe? Matthew Powell? Who the fuck is that? Whatever..."

-J.A. Adande

Verdict: Ability to Get Adande To Mention Someone Other Than Kobe Or Lebron: Fucking Awesome!

"He STILL needs to try Jim Jim's Water Ice..."

-Tomasito

Verdict: Non-conformity in the Face Of Severe Brand Loyalty: Fucking Awesome!

"He came to my funeral!!!!"

-Michael Finley

Verdict: If Not Actual Affection, Then Respect For (Un)Dead Homies: Fucking Awesome!

"BILLY MAYS HERE FOR MATTHEW POWELL! I DON'T THINK IT'S ANY SECRET THAT MOST OF US ARE TIRED OF THE ALSO RAN BLOGGING THAT'S GOING ON IN THE SPORTS JOURNALISM UNIVERSE. BY NOW, THE CHOICES ARE EITHER THAT, OR BIASED INEPTITUDE FROM THE LARGE MARKET SPORTS SITES. THAT'S WHY I'M HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT MATTHEW POWELLS!! JUST INSERT A MATTHEW POWELL INTO ANY BLOG OR SITE, AND WATCH AS THE SUBJECT MATTER BECOMES INFINITELY MORE TOLERABLE! NOTICE A HIKE IN FEMALE SITE TRAFFIC, A DIRECT RESULT OF HIS PERSONAL CHIVALRY! WHY, YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF THIS VERY SECOND "JUST HOW SPECIAL IS THIS MATTHEW POWELL?" WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, I HAD TO KILL AND EAT THE SHAM WOW GUY JUST TO BE ABLE TO SELL THIS GUY. ME?! BILLY FUCKING GODDAMNED MAYS!! I COULD SELL CRACKROCK TO A NUN! BUY THIS GUY NOW! NOW!!!!! WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER!?!?! GO!!!!!!"

Verdict: Billy Fucking Goddamned Mays is Hawking You: Fucking Awesome!

So you see, Matthew. It wasn't just all of us here at PtR that thought, and will continue to think that you're fucking awesome. I'm relatively new here, at least out of all us guys that have been around prior to the influx of newbies who already no doubt appreciated you. That doesn't change anything though. I take my (real) writing very seriously, and from one to another, I respect your skill with the written word, and will miss it around here.

Scrappy "Justin Biehle" Doo: PtR Grammar Maestro, out!

From The Chalice of Prophecy

scrappy-doo — Mon, 02 Feb 2009 23:27:48 -0000

Lo, doth the tides of nightfall stretch across the sky with foreboding.

The earthy loam packed hard beneath his warrior feet,

dyed red from the claret of the fallen.

Red, like his own Warrior's Mane.

For on this day did they drink deeply from his sword.

And though he doth stand here now,

at the maw of Hellwynd Keep,

He is resolute, and fears no man.

For no man has ever bested him, and so he marches with this burden.

Cursed for all time, to walk this fallen earth

Until he meets the blade of The One Who Will End His Suffering.

But the Red Warrior has walked upon this trodden path.

He Knows.

There will never be that peace.

By no mortal hand will he ever be given sanctuary

From his own cursed memories.

Not one will attest to having lain their steel

upon his cursed flesh.

Because that man,

The Man They Call Bonner,

Has left no man standing,

That has ever faced him.

And yet, even at these forked roads of Destiny,

Doth the prophecy speak loudest.

Echoing in the foreboding peace of nocturne,

That there will one day come a man who,

Can lay The Bonner down,

To that eternal rest for which he has quested.

Bonner has read this Prophecy.

He knows it line by line.

Each word dripping with the promise of the sweet,

Forgiving caress

Of a Warrior's Death most noble.

Most righteous.

With great zeal doth The Bonner wait for this man,

The Man They Call Gist, To End His Pain

For though the blackness of death is unknown to Him,

The Warrior's heart yearns always for the fight.

It is his only true mistress.

It is his only salvation.

For Bonner, This Death,

La Bella Morte,

Is the only thing that can reunite him

With his fallen betrothed.

Taken from him on their wedding day.

The first night of the harvest, so long ago.

E così Egli Attendere

A braccia aperte

per il suo unico vero amore

il suo unico vero morte.

Lakers Recap: When You Only See The Final Score, It's A Lot Like Just Ripping The Band-Aid Off...

scrappy-doo — Tue, 27 Jan 2009 01:52:44 -0000

Yeah, I have to admit, my Spurs watching habits have grown a bit rusty of late. I don't DVR the games like I used to, and I haven't been to a game yet this season. The good news is, I still come to this lovely gem of a website to get all my Spurs related info. That means that my cynical view of everyone's favorite boring team hasn't waned in the slightest. And sometimes, in the case of Sunday's "game", it's the small victories you have to be happiest about.

I'm sure that before the game, and possibly even during the game until maybe halftime, people thought that maybe this would be a competitive game. Most people think that about big games. However, when you're a Spurs fan, you know that such presumptive behavior usually only leads to you cursing at the TV as you pretend your favorite athletes can hear your distaste as they get completely annihilated in front of Hollywood and the rest of the normal world.

Sunday's game was a terrible game. I shouldn't even have to delve into paltry things like "scores" or "Kobes", when one can just look at the box score and see how loudly they can say their favorite cuss word. I like to phrase mine as some sort of crazy bastardization of linguistics, where the word is a question, statement, and cryptic prophecy all at once. I'm a professional though, and I'm qualified to do those things.

I'm pretty sure that during the time between tip-off and complete embarrassment, Los Spurs were competitive for a second or two. Like I said before, in my last half assed and cynical recap, I feel like I don't even need to watch the games to know exactly what happened. It's sort of like when your wife or girlfriend (or male counterpart for all females aboard this PtR Express Elevator to Basketball Hell) knows you're lying, just because they've known you for so long. My relationship with the Spurs has gotten to that point. We all know that they tease us with their proficiency for a half before wigging out like ED-209 in Robocop.

"You have five seconds to disarm", Spurs....

I have to admit, I feel like some sort of telepathic entity, like those twins in Minority Report. I just KNOW when the Spurs lose, and also why they lose. My special power seems to be limited only to losses, as this season, I just can't seem to figure out why in the hell we win some games. Whatever. My gift, my curse.

For any stat geeks looking to get a professional style recap. Go read ESPN. This new look Scrappy-Doo doesn't care about things like "points", "rebounds", or Hollinger's excruciatingly asinine PER rankings. I've raised my game up about 38 notches, and now I'm just waiting for my Spurs to get here with me. By the looks of Sunday's game, I may be waiting awhile. Good thing I brought my PSP.

Recap! Yao Hurts Self While Spurs Slum Against Mediocre Team! Elsewhere, Something Else Predictable Also Happens!

scrappy-doo — Sat, 24 Jan 2009 19:16:41 -0000

I find it kind of ironic that on the day I quit my job, Vince Carter almost did his. I didn't watch this game, because I was self medicating at The Mean Eyed Cat after taking a nasty crash at the skatepark, but I didn't feel like I needed to, because what happened last night was pretty much the most predictable thing ever. I was in the right frame of mind though, because whilst I was recuperating with myriad alcoholic beverages, I would check up on the score with my fancy mobile phone. Seeing the Spurs play, yet again, to the level of a team they could've, and should've, steamrolled by at least 258 points was like nothing else I've ever seen if I was a fan of any other NBA team ever.

Apparently, my phone AND NBA Fastbreak alleged that the Nets managed to match the Spurs shot for shot throughout the game, but we all know that when your record is 19-24, you aren't matching anybody's shots anytime or anywhere. I offered up an alternative hypothesis to my indifferent cohorts in alcoholism, that the Spurs simply allowed their opponents to look better than they really were, by playing terribly on purpose. This is a hypothesis that will, I predict, soon make its way into the realm of scientific THEORY, because pretty much every time the Spurs play somebody like this, the games are way more exciting than we all know they should be. Exciting like a Jerry Bruckheimer movie.

Tim Duncan scored some points and had some rebounds, as did Manu Ginobili and Tony "Tupac" Parker. Michael Finley continued to make the assertion that he isn't a living dead girl by scoring a key basket down the stretch to save the Spurs from themselves.

Apparently, Austin Croshere is on our team,a fact I would've been woefully unaware of had he not played 48 minutes and scored 82 points. Just kidding, we all know that Austin Croshere doesn't play. He DOES however, bring our total of near useless white guys to 2 1/2 (I spot Fabio a half point because he's Argentenian and can't help it if he doesn't look more Portuguese, or some other kind of more worldly hispanic...)!!

Yao hurt his knee. That news had the hard hitting power of a Barry Zito fastball.

Did you guys know that AIDS is a problem in Africa? TV reassures me that this is probably the case. I make the assertion that if we sent them Playstations instead of having charity drives using stylishly aloof GAP clothing, we could circumvent these alleged "AIDS". Think about it, who's got time to think about sex when there are nuclear crises to be averted in Metal Gear? Nobody, that's who!

Anyhoo, There really wasn't a whole lot to say about this game. I hope that The Scrappy-Doo Double Feature can leap back into form with the next game...

Crash Landings Are Landings, too! Memphis Recap.

scrappy-doo — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 00:05:45 -0000

There’s always a few games a season where, for whatever reason, your team plays another a lot closer than pretty much anyone feels was really necessary. Whether or not it’s that your team plays down to the other’s level, or that the other team steps it up a notch or seven, isn’t really important, because what is important, is how annoying it is. In recent years, you might have a palpable reason to call this weird affliction “Spurs Disease”.

Over the past few seasons, The San Antonio Spurs have had an almost perverse proclivity to slum it against teams they should be beating handily. Teams like the Clippers, Bobcats, Sonics (I do not acknowledge “The Thunder”), Wolves, and last night, the Grizzlies, have all been made to look better than they are by the oft-lazy Spurs. The lone disclaimer in this is that the Hawks have temporarily forgotten that they are the Hawks and have been quietly not having a terrible season.

In yet another marathon double overtime game against a team that should have been out of it by halftime, the Spurs allowed the Grizzlies to stay in it by being out-rebounded on both ends of the floor. Offensive rebounds again stuck out the most as they allowed Marc Gasol easy lay-ups to the tune of a 15 point, 10 rebound stat line. Both Gasol and reserve Hakim Warrick had productive games in the paint, and combined with OJ Mayo’s 29 point outing, the Grizzlies were a little tougher to stop than normal.

Still, this write-up is about the winners, and the Spurs managed to get away when it mattered most. Despite the numerous chances Memphis had to win it late, Tony Parker managed to continue to turn away the aggressive youngsters with several key baskets down the stretch. Parker’s 32 points however, almost weren’t enough, as the game was only safe after Michael Finley (wtf?) swatted Memphis’ final attempt away.

Parker’s performance was complimented nicely by Tim Duncan, who offered 29 points before fouling out in the first overtime. Manu Ginobili rounded out the Big Three’s scoring with a 20 point outing.

Memphis’ young core of players could probably take as much credit for the Spurs’ victory as could the Spurs themselves. Despite being up by 11 in the third, and visibly having a good time, they couldn’t keep the composure and allowed the aging Spurs to climb back into the game. The Grizzlies performance did offer a lot on which they can grow however, as their young players stretched their geriatric opponents to the limit. Memphis coach Marc Iavaroni echoed this sentiment, remarking that his team “was getting there, but not there yet.”

The Spurs, ripe with the experience that comes from being the league’s resident retirement home, were able to take their own positives from the game. Duncan debatably remarked that the win was “a huge one”, putting to rest the notion that huge wins typically come against good teams. He did provide a small nugget of truth when he revealed that his team “found a way to win.”

Hey, even a crash landing is still a landing…

Loose Ball Evades Entire NBA...

scrappy-doo — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 21:52:39 -0000

Compliments of The Onion...

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—A Devin Harris three-point attempt that caromed wildly off the back of the rim during the third quarter of Wednesday night's New York Knicks–New Jersey Nets game has created a disruption involving the entire NBA, with all 450 of the league's players attempting to scoop up the loose ball and gain possession for their respective teams.

NBA officials say the ball initially bounced near the Izod Center sideline, where Nets guard Bobby Simmons jumped, turned, and saved the ball, but inbounded it at a severe enough angle that it struck Knicks forward Al Harrington's shoe. The ball was then sent high into the air, ricocheting in turn up the arena's aisles, into the concession area, out the front entrance, through the parking lot, and on to I-495 East towards Manhattan, leaving multiple flailing players in its wake.

Eyewitnesses said that Nets and Knicks players continued to give chase along the highway and were eventually joined over the next three hours by the Toronto Raptors and Los Angeles Clippers, with players only breaking off their pursuit for a few minutes when Knicks guard Nate Robinson was struck and killed by an oncoming car.

"That's the kind of tenacity I like to see on the court, down the Lincoln Tunnel, and up Broadway," Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni told reporters as a live feed of the bouncing ball revealed that it had entered Philadelphia, where Sixer Andre Iguodala and Cleveland's LeBron James were chasing it around the Liberty Bell. "A willingness to sacrifice one's body by diving into the stands or the Hudson is what separates good teams from great teams."

When no players from the Atlanta Hawks, Indiana Pacers, or Utah Jazz were able to gain possession, the ball continued to bounce along I-95, eventually rolling off at a Washington, D.C. exit. Members of the Washington Wizards and Detroit Pistons then entered the scramble and proceeded to bat the ball through the White House; around the Lincoln Memorial; up, down, and back up the steps of the Washington Monument; into the Holocaust Museum's railcar exhibit; off the Key Bridge; and into the Potomac River, where a combination of tides and splashing from floundering players carried it into the Atlantic Ocean.

Although Toronto's Chris Bosh attempted to call time-out before the ball entered the river, referee Dick Bavetta—who had been chasing the ball through the entirety of its journey in order to monitor any loose ball fouls—said Bosh did not have possession and therefore could not call for a stoppage in play.

"You gotta be kidding me," said Bosh, who needed the rebound to complete a triple-double. "If he would have called that foul on [Pacer's forward Danny] Granger in Delaware this wouldn't even be an issue. No way that trip wasn't intentional."

Starters from the Miami Heat and Charlotte Bobcats spent the next several hours swimming after the ball approximately 90 miles off the coast of Florida, where it ultimately came into the possession of the Cuban military, who would only relinquish the ball to an NBA official. The resulting stoppage in play forced Bavetta to perform a jump ball between Miami's Dwyane Wade, Charlotte's Emeka Okafor, New Orleans' Chris Paul, Orlando's Dwight Howard, and Boston's Kevin Garnett.

Garnett, who had been enjoying the Celtics' Wednesday off, left dinner with his wife and entered the pack of chasing players after observing the loose ball rolling past the restaurant window.

"You got to want it," said Garnett, who tipped the jump ball to Yao Ming, who tipped it to Greg Oden, who tipped it to Pau Gasol, who tipped it onto the back of flatbed truck that was on a container ship headed back to the United States. "Where can I rent a cigarette boat around here?"

The container ship, however, was discovered to be captained by Lakers guard Kobe Bryant, who told reporters that he was ready to go on a fast break when the ball was suddenly knocked out of his hands by "Cuban refugees," who turned out to be disguised members of the San Antonio Spurs and Sacramento Kings.

The ball was batted around the deck for the entirety of the 600-mile trip to Galveston, TX, where the Chicago Bulls, Minnesota Timberwolves, Milwaukee Bucks, and Houston Rockets, alerted by breaking news reports, waited at dockside for the ship's arrival. A large melee ensued, and the ball was tipped nearly 70,000,000 times, working its way to Los Angeles, up towards Big Sur, all through Alcatraz, back down the Pacific Coast Highway, and finally into Oklahoma.

Though multiple shouts of "Same team!" were heard echoing throughout the more than 1 million square miles of the Great Plains, not one member of the 2-20 Oklahoma City Thunder realized that no other basketball organization was around to wrest the ball away from them. The Thunder lost its chance to gain possession when the ball bounced off Kevin Durant's knee into Colorado and over the Rocky Mountains, where Carmelo Anthony mishandled it and accidentally tipped it to Shaquille O'Neal. O'Neal, not knowing what was going on, threw the ball into the Grand Canyon, which is where the ball currently sits.

"We're not going into the Grand Canyon," a statement from the National Basketball Players Association read in part. "At this moment all 450 of us can see the ball, but there is a snake near it, and we think it might be poisonous. We will go after the loose ball when the snake leaves."

As of press time, Vince Carter has made absolutely no attempt to get the ball back for the Nets.

SCRAPPY DOO'S UNHOLY SUGAR HIGH!

scrappy-doo — Tue, 09 Dec 2008 10:12:51 -0000

WELL... I'M TAKING THE LAST FINAL I'LL EVER TAKE AT APPROXIMATELY 8 O' CLOCK. BECAUSE I'M FEELING NOSTALGIC LIKE HUMPHREY FUCKING BOGART IN CASABLANCA, I'M PULLING ONE LAST ALL NIGHTER, FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT DARK CHOCOLATE, BECAUSE SOME MYSTICAL POWER IT POSSESSES MAKES IT LIKE THE EQUIVALENT OF DOING PURE COCAINE FOR ME. THIS IS LIKE A CELEBRATION THOUGH, SO I ATE FUCKING FIVE BARS OF THAT SHIT AND DROWNED IT IN PROBABLY FIVE OR NINETEEN CANS OF MONSTER (SUGAR FREE, BECAUSE I'M HEALTH CONSCIOUS, YOU ASSMAVENS...) . I ALSO HAVE TWO FIVE HOUR ENERGY SHOTS IN THE PIPE FOR A REAL BLAZE OF GLORY!

I'VE BEEN REVIEWING SOME BULLSHIT SCIENCE MOLECULES FOR THE PAST FEW HOURZ, AND AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, THIS STUFF IS PRETTY MUCH THE GAYEST SHIT ON THE PLANET. WHO CARES ABOUT PROTEIN FOLDING? PRETTY MUCH NOT ME...

WHAT'S FUCKING CRAZY IS THAT COME 7:30 THIS A.M., ME AND JESUS ARE GONNA ROLL DOWN TO CAMPUS IN OUR EL CAMINOS, AND BEAT THIS TEST DOWN LIKE WE CAUGHT IT GANKING SOME YOUNG MIJOS AT A DOLLAR STORE TWO FOR ONE BONANZA.

EITHER THAT, OR MY HEART WILL STOP. HOLY SHIT, I FEEL LIKE PACINO DURING THE LAST TEN MINUTES OF SCARFACE, IF IT TOOK PLACE AT A MOTORHEAD CONCERT.

ALSO, I NOTICED THAT THE AUTO CORRECT ON MY MAC RECOGNIZES "MIJOS" AS A REAL LIVE WORD, BUT NOT "GANKING". THAT SHIT TRIPS ME RIGHT THE FUCK OUT, MEN... WORD IS BOND.

BY THE TIME YOUSE GUYS READ THIS, I'LL PROBABLY BE ON A MASSIVE COMEDOWN AND TRYING TO PASS OUT SOMEWHERES.

IF YOU SEE ME, SAY HELLO... I MIGHT BE IN TANGIER...

P.S. I'M CONSIDERING MURDERING SCRAPPY DOO IN FAVOR OF TAKING ON MY REAL NAME IN THIS PIECE. LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK. I'VE GOTTA GET BACK TO SOME PHOSPHOLIPIDS IN THIS BITCH...

Game #8 Recap. Vs. Houston Rockets

scrappy-doo — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:23:02 -0000

For a minute there, I was thinking "Yao Ming better hope the Rockets win, so he won't have to answer why he couldn't stop George Hill to save his life." Well, looks like it's answering time. The Spurs rookie scored 17 points in the win, with several of them coming in the form of lay ups ranging from "difficult" to "circus" over the Rockets' 7'6" center. Hill also chipped in with 5 assists, and 6 rebounds. One of Hill's rebounds was a crucial recovery of his own miss that allowed the Spurs to keep possesion with a minute left. Tim Duncan hit what ended up being the game winner seconds later.

The Spurs, once again playing without the injured Tony Parker and Manu Ginobili, struggled most of the game with an anemic offense. The Houston defense was able to key in on Spurs shooters and continuously force them into difficult shots. The problem ended up being that the Spurs hit enough of them down the stretch to escape with a win.

Jumping out to a quick lead, the Spurs began a trend of allowing Houston players to sneak into the paint to collect their own misses. Offensive rebounds were almost the key stat of the night for the Rockets, as the Spurs were unable to grow or protect a lead in the early going. The offensive boards came most often as a result of late defensive slides by the Spurs which allowed for either wide open looks from behind the arc causing long rebounds,or deep penetration into the paint. In the end though, it simply wasn't enough.

In what was largely a defensive struggle, the Spurs managed to get just enough points from their role players to get the job done. None of these points were bigger than Matt Bonner's three pointer to bring the Spurs within one. Maligned early in the season by the Spur's "official" "fan club", PtR, Bonner hit several key baskets to keep the Spurs within striking distance, though to be fair, Houston might have given this game away.

Ron Artest broke out of a shooting slump with an 18 pt night, hitting 8-16 from the field, despite missing what would have been the game winner. Unfortunately, the trade off came in the form of a Tracy McGrady shooting slump. The Rockets star went just 2-12, with many of his jumpers falling short of their target. McGrady's poor shooting however, was just one of several stats that contributed to the Rocket's loss.

Duncan once again paced the Spurs in the scoring column with a 22 point outing. He didn't put up his usual rebounding stats, but Roger Mason proved to be a serviceable stop gap, chipping in with 9 rebounds, himself. Duncan also had a key block in the game, sending back Aaron Brook's potential game winning lay up with one second remaining. Mason recovered the loose ball and made one of two foul shots to cushion the lead to an astounding two points. Ron Artest managed to break free for a potential game winning three point attempt, but he might have broken a little too hard, as he was off balance as the ball left his hands.

For the Spurs, the win can be marked as satisfactory, simply because it was a win. In the absence of two of their big three, they will be forced to take whatever they can get. Tonight, it was just barely enough.

The 2008-09 Spurs Official Nickname, and other news...

scrappy-doo — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 22:01:13 -0000

The Garbage Pail Kids... or more specifically, Tim Duncan and The Garbage Pail Kids... I like that one better, because it has the ring of an old Motown group, like Gladys Knight and The Pips...

The reason this nickname fits, is because at this moment, anyone not named Tim Duncan has already shown a propensity to either get injured, or just grossly underperform. Roger Mason is really the only one who could be defended out of this bunch, though not by much...

Think about it... Garbage Pail Kids is perfect, and has a nice ring to it whenever you see guys come off our bench. Who doesn't live up to that name like Matt Bonner or Fab? The answer is nobody. Plus, they stink... ability-wise and probably literally....

Tim Duncan and The Garbage Pail Kids...

Also, for anyone interested, I went to Wizard World over the weekend and came away with not only an artist (as I had been looking for...) but a publisher as well. I remember discussing with ATS, SiMA, and Tomasito, the book I was putting out, and now it seems that the process has been streamlined quite a bit. Hopefully I can fill you in on some concrete release details in the near future....

P.S. My name is really Justin Biehle, and not Scrappy-Doo.... just going to preemptively get that out of the way so as not to confuse anyone when they go looking for the book...

My Improved Ending to Powell's Emo Ranting...

scrappy-doo — Sun, 26 Oct 2008 20:34:33 -0000

On March 25th 2009, at approximately 11:28 PM EST, The New York Port Authority responds to a disturbance at Pier 18-A. A large black man, referring to himself only as "The GIST" is photographed breaking free from a storage container aboard a freighter of european origins. Despite combined efforts by the NYPD and Homeland Security, the man was unable to be detained and easily managed to escape the harbor area.

Once outside in the city, "The GIST" quickly commandeered a yellow cab, and threw it at pursuing police. Unable to pursue past state lines, the NYPD was forced to relent and hope that the federal agents could bring the man in.

The chase lasted for only five minutes, as The GIST used his blinding speed to make his way south, soon losing the tailing Feds. By 10 AM the next morning, The GIST was sighted in San Antonio Texas, climbing the AT&T Center. Once atop the structure, he let out a bone chilling howl, and finished the baby he had begun to eat only moments before.

Disgusted and ashamed by their inability to arraign The GIST, deputy director of the FBI Roland Garriott was left with only one choice. Though they had not spoken since Popovich had lain with his wife and sired an heir by her, appealing to the coach's mercy seemed to be the only option left.

After hours of searching the city, Popovich was conveniently found INSIDE the AT&T Center, where he had been conducting team practice. Angered by his team's lack of passion and will to win, Pop had launched into a fiery tirade, and was unable to hear the disturbance outside. After an awkward silence during which Popovich smiled menacingly at Garriott while making pelvic thrusts into the air, Garriott managed to explain the situation. Reluctantly, Popovich scaled the building to confront the menace.

Atop the structure, circling news choppers caught a live feed of Popovich and Gist standing toe to toe, their steel eyed gazes not breaking from the other. Though the feed contained no audio, the duo appeared to discuss something briefly, before embracing each other in a masculine, non gay way.

When the two safely reached the ground, they were quickly surrounded by reporters wanting to know what had transpired atop the stadium. The GIST responded by slapping the nearest reporter and quickly retired into the building. Left alone with the throng of media, Popovich raised his hands to quiet the masses before he spoke.

"My son.... has returned..." stated Popovich, before uncorking a bottle of expensive wine and toasting the nearby Garriott, asking him how he liked "them apples".

With the confusion apparently settled, Popovich withdrew into the confines of the AT&T center, where he found Gist already suited up and ready to join the team. Noting that his son was wearing Jaque Vaughn's uniform, Gist simply responded "...hungry...". Popovich laughed while stroking his beard, remarking that the meal had resulted in an available roster spot. The personnel problem solved, the team resumed their practice.

As the season came to a conclusion, any doubts that the media had about The GIST's ability to gel with the team were quickly dismissed as the Spurs won all of their remaining games, squeaking into the playoffs with the seventh seed.

During the first round against the in state rival Dallas Mavericks, the team was caught laughing on the bench as The GIST singlehandedly dismantled their opponents, winning the series in four straight games.

Advancing to the second round, the Spurs met a Phoenix team who had been riding a wave of confidence after sweeping their own first round opponent. Prior to the tip off in game one, Suns center Shaquille O'Neal mocked suggestions that the Spurs' had seemingly overnight become the team to beat. His words were quickly eaten as the Spurs easily won the first game 285-7, with The GIST easily eclipsing Wilt Chamberlain's 100 point record by scoring 283 points (the remaining two points were chipped in by way of Tim Duncan free throws). The series continued in much the same way, only briefly pausing for a brief scuffle in Game 3 in which The GIST decided he wanted to leave the bench to eat Leandro Barbosa. No penalties were assessed and the Spurs swept the Suns out of the playoffs in Phoenix. Riding an emotional high, Gregg Popovich had to be restrained by his team, preventing him from asking Shaq how his ass tasted.

The Spurs, having steamrolled their first two opponents, were granted a layoff as they waited to see whether their next opponent would be the Los Angeles Lakers or the New Orleans Hornets. Their question was answered when the Lakers dispatched the Hornets in a sloppy game 7 four nights later.

Eager to pay back the Lakers, the Spurs quickly made their feelings known as they punished the Lakers in game 1, with the GIST scoring 87 points in the first quarter before being put back into his cage for the remainder of the game by his proud papa. The tone of the series took an interesting turn when the media alleged that the only reason the aging Spurs had come this far was because they were employing the services of "a wookiee". Angered, yet oddly humored, Popovich laughed and announced that he would finish the sweep of the Lakers without the GIST.

Despite assertions that the team could perform as well without The GIST available, Popovich was nearly forced to eat some crow in game 4. Down by 4 with just under 10 seconds, Manu Ginobili hit a three while Lamar Odom assaulted him. Favoring his left shoulder when he got up, Ginobili was unable to tie the game at the line. When Laker guard Kobe Bryant came down with the rebound, many figured the game to be over, as Bryant had not missed a free throw all postseason. Stepping to line on the other end however, Bryant appeared to be shaken. The entire Spurs team had manufactured large diamond rings from the bench area, and were checking their authenticity around the painted area. The Los Angeles crowd had quieted for Bryant, but that may have backfired as he was then able to hear the cries of disdain from Spurs players as they discovered their $4 million dollar rings were indeed, fake. "What the fuck!?" cried a startled Bruce Bowen, who made just enough of a distraction to startle Bryant, causing him to miss the first free throw. "This some busta shit!" Shouted an excited Matt Bonner, who had managed to sneak onto the floor, his red hair not catching the usually keen eye of Popovich. The strategy worked however, as Bryant missed the second. Out of timeouts, the Spurs saved Popovich's guarantee as Tim Duncan hit a full court heave at the buzzer, and immediately went courtside to claim Bryant's wife, Vanessa, as his own.

Their perfect record intact, the Spurs waited once more to discover the identity of their finals opponent. The Celtics and Bobcats were locked in yet another battle, as the home team had not yet lost. With the series returning to Charlotte for game 7, the Celtics managed to stun the home crowd as Kevin Garnett exploded for 3 points, enough to ensure another finals appearance for the defending champions.

As the media began to hype the finals matchup immediately after the final buzzer sounded, pundits across the nation began to mention the impending matchup between Duncan and Garnett. Finally, it seemed, the questions would be answered.

The answer however, would have to wait until another season. During a game 1 altercation between Spurs rookie George Hill and Ray Allen, The GIST, back from his imposed suspension, used Garnett to club Brian Scalabrine to death, just like Jason in "Friday the 13th". Garnett suffered a major concussion as a result and was unable to finish the series. The absence of Garnett and their favorite cheerleader, Scalabrine, deflated the Celics, who went meekly into the night as the Spurs once again swept the series, becoming the first team to finish the postseason undefeated.

Relishing the moment with yet another expensive bottle of wine, Popovich recalled his team's struggles during the regular season, and applauded them for their resiliency. When asked where The GIST had gone, Popovich told reporters that he had frozen him in carbonite, and was saving him for next season. Just then, an elated Manu Ginobili, wearing a pair of women's panties on his head with "Eva Longoria's panties" scrawled on them in sharpie marker, grabbed the microphone. Before he could say anything, the cameras quickly switched back to an unintelligible Stephen A. Smith, who said something about the game that no one really understood.

Somewhere, a jaded Matthew Powell smiled....