According to sources within the Penn State Athletic Office, the search for the next head coach of Penn State football had come close to finding the potential successor to Joe Paterno, until it ran into a major roadblock this holiday season.

"The coaching search committee, the Penn State Board of Trustees, President Erikson, and I have laid down a specific set of qualities we are looking for in our next head coach, and we thought we had found the one man who fit every criteria," said acting Athletic Director David Joyner in his first public interview about the ongoing search. "We wanted a man who had strong moral character. Someone who knows naughty from nice. It was a shame when we found out the perfect man couldn’t take the job."

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Here are some facts about the ZordStache to prepare you for the season.

• Michael Zordich did not grow the ZordStache, the ZordStache grew Michael Zordich.
• The ZordStache is considered both an illegal benefit and performance enhancer by the NCAA, but they are too afraid to post any sanctions.
• While Michael Zordich only plays on offense, the ZordStache plays both offense and defense.  At the same time.
• The ZordStache keeps away the Angry Knee Hating Fullback God.
• The ZordStache will be selected #1 overall in the 2012 NFL Draft by the Buffalo Bills.  Buffalo goes on to win 4 of the next 5 Superbowls. 
• Penn State Pro Combat unis don't exist because anytime the ZordStache is forced to model one it bursts into flames.
• Graham Spanier has secretly anointed the ZordStache the next head coach in waiting after Joe Paterno retires.
• Graham Spanier had no choice in the matter.
• The ZordStache is the only father-son mustache duo to be coached by Joe Paterno.  And yes, that means the ZordStache is its own father.
• The earthquake in VA was originally an 8.6, but the ZordStache told it to settle the eff down.
• The ZordStache invented the West Coast Offense for Bill Walsh so it could scoff at it while running the Power I.
• The ZordStache runs a variation of the Cover 3, where it covers 4/3rds of the field.
• The ZordStache doesn't care about math.
• Brandon Ware and the ZordStache once competed against each other in an eating contest.  The loser had to leave Penn State.
• The ZordStache lines up 20 yards off the receiver.  No one has completed a pass against it to this day.
• When Terrell Pryor said "Everybody kills, steals, murders..." he was actually referring to the ZordStache.
• The AP Preseason Poll actually lists the ZordStache as #1-25.  What they publish are just the remaining schools on the list.
• The ZordStache never "buckles up".
• Pitt originally claimed 9 National Championships.  Now the ZordStache claims them all.
• The ZordStache can, and will, step it up.

via cdn0.sbnation.com

Please start football already.

BSD - Bumped from the fanposts, here's a special Christmas present from our friend skarocksoi.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through Columbus,

Not a creature was stirring, as knocked cold was Brutus;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that the boosters would all soon be there;

The Buckeyes were nestled, all snug in their beds,

While visions of new 'vettes danced in their heads;

And Pryor in his eye black, and Tress in his vest,

Had just settled down for a long winter's rest,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

T sprang from his bed to see what was the matter;

Away to the window he flew like a flash,

As he runs a 4.33 in the 40 yard dash;

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It's the ACC! It's the Big East!  It's a battle royale of teams that probably wont do anything significant in college football this year.  It's Reece Davis, Jesse Palmer, Craig James, and Jenn Brown!  It's the D team!  It's everything you could ever expect from a game that is played in the middle of the week!  It's more exclamation points!!!! It's hopefully 75 characters at this point!  ITS THURSDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL!!!!

Join me?