When this post started, it was a one line comment to a post about Kaner. Now it has nothing to go with Kaner at all. When the powers of Google and Westlaw combine: Captain Tangent! So this post is actually about comic book quotes and how the NHL as a league addresses the problem of substance abuse in general.

Here's what the Commissioner can tell us, Batman: these are professional athletes. They have nutritionists, doctors, trainers and psychotherapists all on payroll. We all know how Olympians are tested from Munchkinland to Kansas and back again for anything outside of plain red blood cells in their bodies, so surely NHL athletes undergo tests at some point. Even at my day job without a disguise, I get randomly drug tested a couple times a year, surely athletes do too. As with anything in hockey, there is a clear solution to all problems.

Come, Robin, to the CBA! There's not a moment to lose!

Once we ride the Bat-elevator down to the obscure dungeons of the text, the CBA curiously has almost nothing to say about drugs that are not "performance enhancing substances". This phrase is defined by the World Anti-Doping Agency (and if that doesn't sound like a league of supervillains, I don't know what does, despite the fact that they're trying to keep athletes clean) in a list of 'performance enhancing substances'. These are not to be confused with all the other substances that the WADA lists, i.e. the dangerous, probably illegal but not performance enhancing ones (think pot, cocaine, etc). In short, the CBA specifically prohibits performance enhancing substances, has a committee to enforce the rule, and imposes mandatory suspension penalties beginning with 20 games for each infraction [see Article 47 of the 2005 document [to be found on NHLPA's website] if you're a stickler for details]. So far so good, and the citizens of the NHL are safe.

Same Bat time, same Bat channel, we check out what CBA says next [all quotations and emphases from the CBA itself]. I quote directly:

All other forms of "substance abuse" and behavioral and domestic issues requiring employee assistance will continue to be handled through the NHL/NHLPA Program for Substance Abuse and Behavioral Health (the "SABH Program")

Okay, so the NHL is handling these things, just in a different way. Holy Bill of Rights, Batman, what is this SABH program? That's where things get really fuzzy.

The batcomputer's finding function is apparently none too frisky today. The only article I could find that references directly even some of what the program involves was this one, from 1998. That's 12 years ago, for those of you who don't do math. That article was referenced as recently as 2007 for being the sole description of what the program even remotely entails, despite the fact that it's vague. Quoting again:

[T]he program goes beyond counseling. It also provides assessment and treatment, and a four-stage procedure was established to monitor a player's progress:

* Stage One: First in-patient treatment; no penalty to player.
* Stage Two: For violation of Stage One, suspension without pay during active phase of treatment and then eligible for reinstatement.
* Stage Three: For violation of Stage Two, suspension without pay for at least six months and then eligible for reinstatement.
* Stage Four: For violation of Stage Three, suspension without pay for at least one year and reinstatement not assured.

To the best of google and lexis's knowledge, only two players have ever gotten to stage two. As far as we know, no players have ever gotten to stage three. Because players can enter stage one voluntarily, for reasons ranging from drug/alcohol abuse to emotional problems and family turmoil, the number and identity of players entering the program full stop is understandably confidential. Careful, Robin, both hands on the Bat-rope, but perhaps we can navigate further. I knew the stories of certain players involved. I used the Bat-google on them, their stories, people vaguely related to them, their minor league coaches, their hometowns, their team doctors past and present, and their kittens. Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Do you think that the above is a little shadowy on what exactly the program involves, and what sort of things it takes for NHL/NHLPA to force a player into it? Of course, Robin. Crimefighters must sometimes wonder about the substance abuse programs of their allies. As with anything shadowy, I did some more digging. It turns out, there is no information on what the program entails. I don't mean a little information, I don't mean a casual mention in an article about something else, I mean NO information. Not in reputable press, not on rumors boards, not in forums, not in support groups for people recovering from various types of problems that seemed applicable to the program. Very eerie, actually. It's the kind of blackout that usually inspires leaks, just because it's so stringent that people feel compelled to poke at the wall. Not here. To my best attempts with quite a number of search tools, the article above with the four steps listed is as close as it comes to actually describing the program.

Send up a Bat-signal, we need some illumination.

It gets even more shadowy. "Okay self," I said, "if there's no information on the banana cream pie, then surely there's information on just the bananas." So I went looking for what it might take to get into the substance abuse program. And the answer is partially transparent. If you have a run-in with the law involving substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, or otherwise), the NHL has the right to force you into the program. Not the obligation, not the encouragement of NHLPA, but the right. As in, they can do it if they choose to out of the goodness of their hearts. Want to take bets on how often that's happened? Yeah, me neither, Khabibulin.

Other than that, there is no information about a policy for drugs (illegal or otherwise) in the NHL unless those drugs fall into the 'performance enhancing' category. Such a policy may exist, because there are a couple vague references, but what it entails is anyone's guess. The Olympics may be open and stringent about their drug policies, but the NHL is anything but. The best that I can do is that athletes are tested at least once a year (this is an inference from Theo Fleury's book, so I can't give you a link), but that's about it. For comparison's sake, NHLers are tested at least twice a year and up to four times a year randomly for 'performance enhancing drugs'.

Such is the result of our search for an NHL policy on substance abuse. Like the Riddler, it has evaded us to lurk another day. Perhaps the league would be better served by bringing such things into the light, and no longer allowing the night(clubs) in vast cities to conceal wrongdoing.

It's the first home game of the preseason for Scum, and already Franzen, Meech, Hudler, and Draper are injured for the Wings. Remind me again how so many so-called reputable publications considered them shoo-ins for the Central? Right.

Anyway, the Hawks will head into the Joe tonight and will try to defeat a Detroit squad that's inching ever closer to AARP membership. We'll be starting mostly rookies, with Keith, Kane, Panda, Toews, Sharp, Seabs and Hjammer sitting out. Scum apparently plans to start their big guns against us, with Kuc reporting that Lidstrom, Datsyuk, Cleary, Zetterberg, Kronwall, Modano and Holmstrom are all in the lineup. Tonight we should expect our first look at Beach this season, and the return of Bolland to the playing squad.

This is a Habs/Flyers Game 1 GDT, since this game is already crazy and only seems to get crazier. We all know the story of the East: the unlikely underdogs in the form of the Habs, kept alive by a goalie that no one would have pegged as a playoff hero.

The other side of the story is the unlikely underdogs in the form of the Flyers, who pulled off one of the most improbable come-backs in playoff history against the hapless Bruins, coming back from a 3-1 deficit to take command and win their series. Neither of these teams were supposed to make it, but here we are, somewhere in Eastern Bizarro World, hanging out with the small fry who made big.

So talk to your hearts' content, people, and hopefully this will prevent the lag that would come from mixing a Habs/Flyers thread with the last part of a Hawks/SJ game thread. At any rate, have at it.