Dateline-Mumbai, India

President Obama had seen enough after the Dallas Cowboys headed to the locker room at half time of their Sunday Night prime time game with the Green Bay Packers down 28-7. "I think the crisis is obvious and clear to me and to the American people; this is a shellacking of, possibly, apocalyptic proportions. At 6:00AM tomorrow, I will return to the United States, specifically, Dallas, Texas, so that we may deal with this catastrophe head on. I have instructed my cabinet to meet me at Cowboys Stadium so that we may hit the ground running to head off the total implosion of America's Team. Make no mistake, the American people did not ask for this responsibility, but I feel that the situation is dire enough that, were we not to act, this debacle could affect the lives of not only thousands of NFL employees, but millions of Americans who depend on the Dallas Cowboys for, not only the majority of their water cooler conversation subject matter, but their very reason to live."

And with that, the President outlined for the press a few of the tentative first steps in his ultimate plan to return the Dallas Cowboys to it rightful ubiquitous cultural status before officially interrupting his state trade visit to Asia.

First and foremost, the President called for the release of 3 billion dollars of emergency stimulus money to buy the majority stake of ownership of the team as well as all of its current merchandise. In doing this, the President essentially made the phrase "America's Team" an ironic reality.

The President officially deemed Jerry Jones' ego as "too big to fail," and stated that the United States would, for the time being, be putting him in a medically induced coma to prevent the trauma of Sunday night's game from doing further damage to the fragile stability of Mr. Jones' sanity.

The President also announced that Coach Wade Phillips will be rendered to an undisclosed country to be, as the President put it, "reeducated" for another line of work besides NFL head coaching. "I feel that the American people have been subjected for too long to Mr. Phillips' hang dog expressions of dejection at various NFL venues throughout this country with his culture of losing and this has to stop, and stop right now."

Finally, in an unprecedented move, the President called for Tony Romo to become the first NFL quarterback to be bionically reconstructed to repair, not only his broken collar bone, but his inability to not choke in big games. After this reconstruction is completed, backup quarterback John Kitna will be put down.