SB Nation User Blog: teemcee

Do mascots suck as bad as I think they do?

teemcee — Thu, 06 Jul 2006 00:22:01 -0000

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I apologize, in advance, to any law-abiding and funny mascots (aka "entertainers") who may be offended by the following personal opinion. While I have never met you - and personally doubt your existence - I respect your right to strap on a giant furry head and prance around stadiums and / or arenas. Just please leave me alone.

I have previously stated my very strong opinion about the appearance of mascots at sporting (and other) events. My personal disdain results from the incessant distraction these creatures generate by their very presence. I'm not there to see the Ballapeño. I'm there to watch a ballgame, consume some beverages and snacks and perhaps purchase merchandise from the gift shop.

Part of my frustration stems from the fact that many times you can't tell what it's supposed to be.

Okay, so you're some sort of bovine, but why are you neon green?

Yes, yes, you're an alien. I get it - but what's a "51", anyway?

Then, of course, many mascots don't even have the decency to wear pants. Why put a jersey on if you're going commando down below? It's senseless. Senseless, and a mockery of all that is wholesome and pure about sports.

Now I come across this article about how mascots are disrespected in today's society. If it's that difficult, I say we practice some natural selection and get rid of the species completely.

Who's with me?

P.S. I am a little concerned about this guy.

Poll

Should there be a federal law banning all mascots (except the Chicken and possibly the Friar)?

Another Lasorda sighting

teemcee — Tue, 22 Nov 2005 01:31:12 -0000

Uncle Tommy was in Las Vegas over the weekend to give a speech during a private fundraising event at the Venetian. Bill Plaschke from the Los Angeles Times was also there. He (Mr. Lasorda, that is) was very charming and entertaining. He dropped this bombshell: Barry Bonds may have used steroids. Who knew?!?!

Tommy was available after dinner to meet with and shake the hands of attendees. As a result of reports regarding Mr. Lasorda's personal hygiene habits, most declined.

Update [2005-11-22 10:22:30 by teemcee]: In related news, Tommy got run from the press box at the UNLV / CSU football game on Saturday. Some people are soooo sensitive.

Intrepid Las Vegas Correspondent signing off...

Live from Las Vegas

teemcee — Wed, 24 Aug 2005 01:54:28 -0000

Your Las Vegas correspondent, teemcee here. I submit the following report to my fellow Gaslamp Ballers:

I recently had the opportunity to observe both Adam Eaton and Sean Burroughs as the Padres Triple A Minor League affiliate, the Portland Beavers, made the trip to Las Vegas to "play" the Las Vegas 51s, the Dodger affiliate. I say "play" because the 51s are the Pacific Coast League equivalent of the Kansas City Royals. Sure, there's guys with uniforms and gloves and all that but I'm not convinced that any of them have ever played the game of baseball. But I digress....

We attended the Saturday night game in the four-game series. There was a smattering of Padres fans in the crowd. Mostly it was ignorant baseball "fans" with a few scattered strippers and drunk yahoos trying to talk to the strippers. (This is VEGAS after all). 51s tickets are very easy to come by these days. We were approximately 10 rows behind home plate. Did I mention they're horrible?

I would estimate that at least 50% of the attendees were there to pick up a Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman bobblehead doll. You know things are bad when you give away bobbleheads of people who have absolutely nothing to do with your team. Mayor Goodman seemed semi-sober when he threw out the first pitch. Sadly, the bobblehead had Mayor Goodman holding a baseball instead of a martini.

Apparently, this was Adam Eaton's final minor league start and he looked good. I think Adam pitched six innings. His body language indicated that he did not feel the pain in his finger that had previously sidelined him. The pelo was "Wild and Crazy Adam". He seemed to be throwing mostly fastballs. I saw him throw one curveball in the first couple of innings. Once he seemed "warmed up" there were some more curveballs. The 51s batters were mystified. It may have been Adam's stuff or maybe they have never practiced hitting curveballs. But I digress (again)....

Sean has a new haircut. At first, I didn't even recognize him with his hat off. Sean won't be showing much pelo anytime soon. His head is prickly. Sean went 3-for-4, I think. No home runs for Sean in this game. There was an article about Sean in today's (Tuesday) Las Vegas Review-Journal. It mostly talked about his Little League glory (NOTE TO BASEBALL WRITERS: That horse is dead. Please stop beating it.) and his thoughts on coming back to the minor leagues. You know things are bad when the local newspaper covers the other team's players instead.

The Beavers won. The final score was 14-3 or something ridiculous. I hoped the umpire would invoke the 10-run mercy rule but sadly, no, he had to let them play the entire game. The game lasted about six hours (I might be exaggerating, but only a little.) They gave away loaves of bread after the game.

I attempted to conduct interviews with both Adam and Sean after the game but I was thwarted by the teenage security personnel employed at Cashman Field. Next time I'll remember to bring the latest editions of "Teen Cosmo" and 2-for-1 coupons to Hooters as payola.

Vegas correspondent, teemcee, signing off...

Things That Bug Me

teemcee — Tue, 14 Jun 2005 03:24:30 -0000

With this being a travel day for my Padres and with me still embittered from yesterday's loss, I thought I'd exercise a little keyboard therapy and share some of the things that are really bothering me lately. For the purpose of brevity, I'll confine my comments to the realm of sports. Understand that I'm normally a pleasant, "live and let live" kinda gal. You gotta work pretty hard to annoy me but once that line is crossed, well...

Here's my list (in no particular order). Feel free to chime in if you have a peeve I may have neglected to mention.

Dorks on cell phones waving to their friends at home. Okay, we can see you in the camera shot. No need to wave. Put your hand down. Put it down. I mean it.

Dorks NOT in the camera shot who run over to get into the camera shot. Stop it. Stop it this instant.

Cheerleaders. I know some of you are down with the whole cheerleader thing but let's be real. Is this something we really want our daughters (or heaven forbid, our sons) to aspire to as a career choice? I think not. Cheerleader is just one small, slippery step from "private entertainer". Not good.

Mascots, except the Chicken, and maybe the Friar. I don't need to see gigantic creatures dressed in jerseys roaming my sports venues trying to motivate me into caring about the game and / or players. I'm here, aren't I? Sometimes it's impossible to determine WHAT species it is, much less the sex of the creature. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I don't want to spend any precious game time trying to figure out your shtick. Why aren't you wearing any pants?!?! I'm here to watch the game, not you. If you're not the Chicken, you're not funny. It's that simple.

Young women coming to the game dressed like they just left an audition at Cheetah's Gentlemen's Club. I ask you, is this really necessary? The players know you're there. They know WHY you're there. They know how to find you. Stop embarrassing yourself. I realize some of you have to dress that way because it's your job (see "Cheerleaders" above) but it's time to put some "contain" back in "entertainment", or something like that.

Old women coming to the game dressed like they just left an audition at Cheetah's Gentlemen's Club. Does this need any explanation? Who is letting these women in? Or perhaps the appropriate question is, who is letting these women out?

Anyone over the age of 16 who brings a glove to a baseball game. Jbox already provided some excellent insight into Foul Ball Guy so I'll leave it at that. Don't be that guy. That guy is a jerk.

Anyone over the age of 16 who outmuscles little kids trying to get autographs. Look, I get that you're trying to supplement your modest income by hustling autographed memorabilia on Ebay. I don't begrudge you earning a living. What I don't appreciate is you pushing and shoving your way to the front of the pack at the expense of some cute little four-year-old who just wants Dave Roberts to sign her humongous red plastic Fisher-Price t-ball bat. The next time that happens, I will use said bat to beat you senseless. Consider this your warning.

Anyone over the age of 16 who pays someone under the age of 16 to get autographs for him / her. Yeah, I saw you working your deal with the ten-year-old Khalil Greene fan, greasing the skids with seductive talk of "endless Slurpees" and "rare Yu-Gi-Oh cards". Using kids as your shills is just plain wrong. The poor kid only said yes because he was brought up to respect his elders, no matter how crazy said elders may be.

People who seem to know NOTHING about the game they're watching. First of all, who are you people? Did you flunk out of PE? Have you not seen a game on television? Never picked up a newspaper or book? Please don't ask me "How many scores did the Padres get last quarter?" or "When does the Zamboni come out?" at a basketball game. I will not be responsible for my actions.

People who seem to know NOTHING about the game they're watching, and yet are often seated in the most expensive seats in the venue. There should be a multiple choice test with a short essay section for anyone sitting within 100 rows of the playing field / court / ice. If you can't score at least 75% on the test, your seat will be exchanged with that of a true fan who knows and understands the game and the team and is probably holding a ticket for Section 427, Row 46, Seat K. My remedy is simple: If you fail to score at least 75% on the test once in a particular season, a mandatory 30-day suspension from the venue. Second failure to achieve the minimum score within the season is a 90-day ban. Fail to make the cut a third time? Lifetime ban, clown. We simply can't have the ignorant upsetting the delicate and fragile balance that is the mojo.

Obnoxious old fat guy who won't shut up. I know your old lady doesn't understand you. I know your kids and your dog hate you. I know that you're the last guy picked for the company softball team. I also know you've had at least 26 beers tonight and a BAC somewhere near 0.3. Know this Mr. F-Bomb: nobody wants to hear your crap. Maybe people aren't saying anything to your face about your poor behavior but trust me, you are an object lesson during the drive home ("Did you see how Mommy punched that man in the face? That's called responsible citizenship"). And for goodness sake, keep your shirt on already. I don't need my son asking me why the team has a Yeti for a mascot.

Obnoxious young guy who won't shut up. I know you think your athletic talent far exceeds any that may be present on the field / court / ice. I know airheaded bimbos are always telling you how great your six pack abs are. I know you can't walk past a reflective surface without flexing. I know you're the first guy picked for your company softball team. I also know that in less than 10 years, you will be Obnoxious Fat Guy (see above).

Nevin. Freakin' Nevin.