SBNation.com User Blog: tehGrindCrusher

Arian Foster - Fueled by Bluegrass

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 10 May 2013 08:46:54 -0000

I'm some indeterminate period of time into Arian Foster's exposition on Immanuel Kant when it occurs to me that we've listened to the same album four times in a row. I reach my hand down to the mp3 player to change the selection, but he stops me with an authoritative touch on the hand. Odd, considering that for such a large man, he is exceedingly gentle. I guess the idea that the driver gets to choose the music doesn't apply when you're road tripping with an All-Pro.

"It's like, Reason, man. With a capital 'R.' Pure Reason. How brilliant was that? Elevating and critiquing the very logical substratum that underpins Western thought, yet goes on to define and influence it. Reversing the Copernican revolution. Asserting that objects must conform with our cognition instead of the other way around. F**k, bro."

F**k, bro, indeed. I wonder if four hours of the same bluegrass music always gets him thinking like this. And in what alternate universe did I land where Arian Foster gets off on bluegrass music? I want to ask him what he thinks about Heidegger but I'm worried that I won't understand most of what he says. Maybe now is my chance to change the music.

"Hey Arian, you want to try something a little different? I think I got some calypso on this thing."

"What you got? Lord Kitchener? Mighty Gabby?"

Holy s**t. If bluegrass gets him waxing lyrical about German philosophers, what effect will calypso have on him? And how on earth does he know anything about calypso music?

"I think I might move to the Caribbean after I retire. Someplace nice, uncrowded, like Dominica. That's Dominica, not the Dominican Republic. They speak English and creole there. Did you know that they still have a bunch of the indigenous people of the Caribbean there? The Caribs? Dudes look like Cortland Finnegan. A whole tribe of Cortland Finnegans. Imagine that."

I'm not so sure I want to.

Going on a road trip with Arian Foster has been an experience. Aside from the odd fact that bluegrass music makes him relive his college philosophy classes (although, to be fair, I find his thinking on phenomenology a bit cliched and trite, but that's to be expected from a running back, I suppose), he has a strange fascination with horses. As we cross the West, every time we see a ranch with horses, he has to get out and watch for at least 20 minutes. Sometimes I see him wiping away tears. I'm kind of afraid to ask him why.

Right now, we're driving under a mercilessly blue sky, punctuated occasionally by cottony cloud puffs somewhere west of the Rockies, in the Utah desert. It's like god accidentally spilled a huge can of orange paint. Bluegrass doesn't really fit in with this landscape. Calypso really doesn't fit in here. I'm beginning to wonder if Arian has taken any mushrooms. Now he's talking about literature.

"Thing is, Dune works on so many levels. You want a classic hero story? It's in there. You want a meditation on politics? It's in there. It's almost a roman-a-clef, no'm'sayin'? You want religion? Rebirth? Tragedy? Large worms that eat machines? It's got everything, bro."

At least this conversation is appropriate for the Utah desert. But we're still listening to bluegrass.

"I mean, Herbert basically created an entire universe. A political structure. A religion. Languages. And they're so real, man. So real. He was doing this shit long before ol' Game of Thrones got into the game. Don't get me started on George RR Martin. Everything in those books is so derivative. Do you think he could have made the Targaeryans resemble the Melnibonéans any more obviously?"

"Melnibonéans?"

"Elric, dude. Michael Moorcock?"

"Oh, right. Those Melnibonéans. Gosh, why didn't I see that before?"

"I know, right? And it just goes on from there."

I decide to steer the conversation to football, since, after all, my driving companion is an All-World running back.

"So, Arian, what's it like to be an All-World running back?"

"You ever have one of those moments when all reality coalesces into a metaphysical singularity and you achieve ultimate awareness of time, space and time-in-space? When you find your third eye opening and you see time as color and space as scent? You realize that space is curved and you can run through its folds? And you realize the true nature of the non-Euclidean world in which we live?"

"Was that what it was like when you trucked those Bengals that one time?"

"Yeah. It was like ee cummings wrapped in Alan Ginsburg up against the Daleks."

Spiritual. So spiritual that I'm getting hungry.

Here's something I bet you didn't know about Arian Foster. He absolutely loves McDonald's. Loves it. Throughout this road trip, I've never seen him drink. But I've seen him tear into a Big Tasty with the same zeal that he tears into opposing defensive lines. He's kind of bashful about it, though, because of the whole vegan thing. But it's kind of refreshing to see him with a vice, and a processed, unhealthy, yummy one at that.

There happens to be a McDonald's at the next rest stop. There's also a big truck stop, but I plan on avoiding it because I worry that Arian may go into the bathroom and start calling out for Brian Cushing. He's done that several times over the last few days. I don't know why he thinks he's going to find Cushing in a truck stop bathroom. They're teammates, though, so I guess he knows Cushing better than I do.

We park. I pretend to look for my wallet when he gets out and change the music. I'm so sick of the same bluegrass album. Led Zeppelin. Good road trip music.

Inside McDonald's, I find Arian chatting up the girl behind the cash register. She's handing him a folded napkin. No need to guess why - she's written her phone number on it. He does this at every McDonald's we go to. Heck, he pretty much does it everywhere he goes. It's astounding.

One time, I asked him how he approached these women and what he said to get their numbers.

"Not much. Just a little chat about the collective unconscious and the archetypal wasteland that is contemporary art."

Oddly enough, that's never worked for me.

Eventually, we finish McDonald's. We head back to the car. The sun is setting, an orange smear against the ruddy landscape. Behind us, the first stars begin to shimmer as the violet canopy of night closes over the earth.

"One day, we'll take spider silk elevators to orbit," Arian says.

I don't doubt him. Because I've learned that doubting Arian Foster is a really, really bad idea.

"Hey, did you change the music?"

Guilty as charged.

"Hmm. I've never heard this before. Who are these guys?"

"Led Zeppelin. British."

"One day, after I retire, I'm going to buy a dirigible and travel around the U.S. in it. That would be tight."

Yes, it would, Arian. And my car speeds into the high desert night.

With no bluegrass for a change.

Thank You, Arian Foster

tehGrindCrusher — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 18:10:44 -0000

Rivers' exquisitely crafted note of gratitude to Wade Phillips gave us an idea. For the next several days, we'll periodically be posting entries thanking various people who had a hand in making the Texans' 2011 season as enjoyable as it was. The season's over, which blows, but there's a lot to appreciate, and it's a loooooong offseason, so let's do take a minute to say thank you.

Arian,

I know you're probably pretty tired from the long and grueling season you just finished, and I sure hope you're taking some well-deserved rest. In honor of the Texans' first ever playoff season, the BRB staff has decided to take turns thanking someone associated with the season. You know, just to let them know how much we appreciate them.

When it was my turn to choose someone to thank, I chose you. Seemed like a natural choice, after all, since you've been such a big part of the Texans' success this year (and one of the few bright spots last year).

Problem was, I had a hard time figuring out exactly what to thank you for. I mean, what single thing that you did this season was so awesome that it needed thanks? There are many reasons out there for thanking you. After the jump, I'm going to list them.

For starters, here's a big, hearty thanks for playing your ass off as a starter on a minimum contract. Instead of holding out of camp and going down the CJ2YPC route, you didn't complain. You worked hard. You played hard. You succeeded. And you did it at one of the most injury-prone positions in football for the same amount of money that CJ2YPC spends on a root canal and filling.

I'm warming up here. How about a nice merci beaucoup for being a free spirit in a game that is filled with military metaphors? What's even better about this is that you're not a free spirit in the Terrell Owens "I love me some me" sense. You're a free spirit in a more positive sense. It has to be hard to keep your sense of individuality among the rigors and drill instructor sensibilities of the NFL, and much more so when you are operating on a completely different plane from most people around you. When you would be more at home in a place like Taos or Berkeley than Texas. But you make it work, and it's impressive to watch. I love that thing where you tweeted your MRI photo and told fantasy players to get a life. So thanks for that.

And for this:

I've saved the most complicated and difficult part of this love poem for the last. It's a problem that I've had when thinking about how you play the game for some time now. The problem boils down to this: I don't think I have the vocabulary to describe how exactly you run. I've heard all kinds of comparisons: Davis, Allen, Craig, etc. But that doesn't describe your running style at all. You know those two white-dreadlocked twins from The Matrix that can move through walls and stuff? Sometimes I have that image in my head when you hit the hole.

Sometimes, I try to look for metaphors or similes but they end up all screwy: Arian Foster runs like a homesick angel running to heaven. Like a burning ember from a campfire reaching for the heavens on a cool fall evening in the countryside. Like that scene from The Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne locks himself up in the warden's office and broadcasts an aria from Le Nozze Di Figaro for the whole prison yard to hear and everyone stops for a minute, convinced that for one fleeting moment there is beauty in this world and a person's soul can be free. Like a James Joyce novel that may be complex and dense but ends up taking you somewhere amazing. Like the poetry of e. e. cummings.

See what I mean by screwy metaphors? It just doesn't work.

So for now, I'll just say that Arian Foster runs like poetry. I'm afraid it will have to do until I find the right words.

And thank you for that.

Namaste,

tehGrindCrusher

Pride: (Bleary-Eyed) Thoughts On A Playoff Win

tehGrindCrusher — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 18:11:06 -0000

I generally don't have a lot of use for pride as an emotion. At least not pride in my own accomplishments. All it does is get in the way of fulfilling your objectives. You let your head swell with pride and the next thing you know you're living on the faded glory of past achievement. And who needs that?

Pride in other people's accomplishments, on the other hand, is (to me, anyway) more palatable. My sons took a few extra minutes to be nice to a new kid on the school bus a few days ago. I'm proud of them for that. My wife managed to parallel park the car in under five minutes last week. Super proud.

And so it goes without saying that, among the many positive emotions I felt this morning (yes, my watching the Texans involved getting up at 3:45 this morning) was pride. And not just in the Texans. Let's talk more about this after the jump.

To me, there are two parts to this. One of them is the pride that comes from being a native Houstonian. It may sound a bit chauvinistic to the many Texans fans on these pages that are not native Houstonians, and for that I apologize and promise that I won't devote too much time to this part of my post. But it comes down to this: you cannot change where you are from. I am from Houston. I was born there and lived there for about twenty years. Even if I could change that, I wouldn't. I am immensely proud to have been born in such a wonderful, diverse, unique city. And as a native Houstonian (and Texan) football is in my blood, as I suspect it is in most of ours. It's as much a part of us as our friendliness, our occasional cockiness and our zest for life.

I'll never forget how wound up the city got when the Oilers returned to the playoffs, winning a nailbiter against the Seahawks in the Wild Card round. At the time, of course, no one could possibly know how much heartbreak lay in store for Houston football fans. But life was good. I remember the Rockets' amazing runs to the NBA Championship and the Astros amazing, and ultimately heartbreaking, series against the Phillies and Mets. I remember the Astros choke job against the White Sox.

As much as those things brought the city together, I would suggest that a long, deep run by the Texans would put them all in the dust as far as uniting the city. Especially these Texans, seeing as how they are led by two men of great integrity who also happen to hail from this city, and all the heart and determination they have shown in overcoming a truly mind-blowing amount of adversity to do what had not been done in many, many years: win a playoff game.

I think it's ok to feel pride in this situation. And to thank the Texans for being such good ambassadors for the city I am proud to call home.

The Texans aren't off the congratulatory hook, though. Now that I'm done giving my hometown its due, it is time to turn my gaze elsewhere. This little corner of the internet has a reputation for wit and self-deprecation that can only come from being forced to sit through misfortune after shocking misfortune. Our owner, as noble a man as ever has trod the earth, has been frustratingly slow to change mistakes. When it works out, it's wonderful. But until then, we are left to deal with a laundry list of soul-crushing failures long enough to hold the entire text of War and Peace. I'm not going to go into those, however, because I think we all know what they are.

But this is a fact: we aren't bandwagon fans. Not yet at least. A team has to be good to have bandwagon fans, and before this season our team has given us very little to reason to call itself good. We're not fans of a perpetual winner (again: not yet). We're not Patriots fans. We're not Yankees fans. We're not Lakers fans. Well, maybe some of us follow those teams as well, but hopefully you get my point.

We're fans of a team that, until this season, has had precisely one winning season in its brief and not-so-illustrious history. A team that has done more heartbreaking than heartwarming. A team that has, well, failed spectacularly time after time.

And yet, here we are.

And I know that when I tell you that, sitting all alone in my living room, wrapped in the seeping semi-dark of the breaking dawn, jumping up and down with my hands in the air as I realized that the perfectly-arced ball sent by Taylor Jonathan Yates toward the endzone was headed to the mighty hands of Andre Lamont Johnson, you will understand perfectly why there were tears trickling out of my eyes. I won't need to tell you why or what it meant because you know. We know. Not just how good Andre Johnson has been, but what this franchise has been (and continues to go) through.

For a moment, a blessed moment, it seems that sometimes there is a reward for suffering. The pain caused by the Rosencopter may never fully go away, but I would offer that the pain is much less than the glory we get from watching moments like that. Our faith in our team - and our faithful criticism - is repaid. Beauty does exist in the world - Arian Foster and his cutbacks inspired by Neruda are proof. The center holds - and he still can't keep JJ Watt from bending the laws of physics like Neo at the end of the first Matrix movie. You just have to hold on long enough to see it happen. But when it happens, man what a ride.

Let's be honest here: our beloved team has a tough assignment ahead. Let's hope that the outcome is the same as this last game. But also like this last game, let's enjoy the shit out of this one.

And be proud of our team.

Thoughts On The Playoffs

tehGrindCrusher — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 19:14:08 -0000

I first started posting on BRB in May 2008. The community was a lot smaller in those days, but the insight, wit and self-deprecation that have been hallmarks of this blog have remained intact despite the community continuing to grow. One of my favorite comments from the early days was the time that I announced, with about six or seven minutes left in the game, that the Texans were going to beat the Colts. Minutes later the Rosencopter happened and I nearly slit my wrists.

Ahh, the good old days.

Now we find ourselves on the doorstep of something that will never happen again: our first playoff game. Win, and we will have the exact same number of playoff victories in our history as the Cowboys have in the same time period. Lose, and we're still not owned by Jerry Jones. In some ways, we've already won.

I know that you are all unbelievably pumped to watch the game this weekend. So am I. It's unfortunate that I have to watch this alone and can't share this experience with my fellow Houstonians, but that doesn't mean that I won't be rooting like hell for the Texans to win this weekend. It reminds me of the 2002 World Cup, which took place when I was living in the Caribbean. I woke up at some godawful time (I think it was 2:00 a.m.) to watch the U.S. play Portugal, and it was the hardest thing ever not to wake up my entire apartment complex when the U.S. won. That's going to be me this weekend.

I was going to try to write some kind of inspirational post for the occasion, but Vega beat me to it. If you haven't read his masterpiece, please do. It pretty much sums everything up and, if you weren't ready to run through a brick wall before, you will be after you read it. Like some of my fellow BRB writers, I have my playoff-related thoughts as well. Stick with me through the jump and I will share them with you.

A few weeks ago, I used one of my favorite images as a metaphor for the Texans' season. The Texans' season, I argued, was akin to a journey down a desert road with a large rock obstacle off in the distance. Beyond the obstacle lay the unknown. Here's an image I included just to reinforce the point.

via cdn3.sbnation.com

We are now at that rock formation.

With every yard that our metaphorical car gets closer to that formation, we will begin to get a glimpse of what lies behind it. It could be open road with nothing ahead but miles of sagebrush desolation. It could be a dead end. It could be Godzilla. We don't know yet. But with each passing foot, the going seems to get slower and slower. It's like we'll never get around that damn mesa.

But we will. And once we do, we will be past it before we know what happened. We will either be convinced that the Super Bowl is ours for the taking or digging into our bleach cliches. I still remember how awesome it was when Tony Zendejas kicked that game-winning field goal to beat Seattle in the Astrodome all those years ago. I hope that we win and that it feels as good.

I also still remember, very clearly indeed, how it didn't hurt to watch the Oilers cough up that big lead against the Frank Reich-led Buffalo Bills. It didn't hurt because I was numb. I will never forget feeling like I really should have been hurting more, but there was a hole in my soul where my emotions should have been. To be honest, I would rather have had the hurt.

And I remember, very clearly, with even greater pain than the Bills loss or the loss to the Joe Montana-led Kansas City Chiefs, the loss to the Titans on Monday night a few years ago, courtesy of Kris Brown shanking a game-tying field goal attempt. Oddly enough, that loss hurt me more than any other loss I've ever experienced. More than the Astros' Game One loss to the White Sox, which I watched while transiting through LAX on the way to Papua New Guinea. More than Ajax's loss to AC Milan in the Champions League quarterfinals. Almost as much as the day my first real girlfriend ripped my heart out of my chest, pretended like it was a trampoline, and left it there, its beat barely detectable, on the sidewalk.

Amazing thing, how a team that gives you more pain than joy can have you coming back for more, year after year, innit? And yet here I am. If this were a relationship I'd be the one hoping that the Texans came back to me after they got hammered and went home with a different frat boy every day for ten weeks in a row, only coming back around to me when everyone was away for Thanksgiving. Not that this has ever happened to me. Promise.

Personally, I think we're going to win this game. We beat this team on the road without Andre Johnson. WeeJay has more experience running this offense. Wade Phillips will have the not-so-enviable task of keeping Brian Cushing from ending all of existence as we know by focusing his Achillean-rage on Andy Dalton. Brooks Reed will harness the Power Cosmic and glide around the Bengals' offensive line to prepare the way for J.J. Watt's arrival and the subsequent eating of Andy Dalton's soul. Arian Foster will seduce the Bengals' defense with his cutbacks, which are on loan from God. They will start out wanting to pulverize him, but by the end of the game, they will want to tango with him and have him whisper sweet nothings in their ears.

And Andre Johnson. Andre Johnson will end, once and for all, the sublimely idiotic argument that Larry Fitzgerald is a better wide receiver due to his one good playoff run a few years ago. 'Dre will show the world that love exists, and it is expressed through the simple act of catching the football and dragging three people into the endzone with you. Dre will solve Fermat's Last Theorem on his way to the endzone. He will decipher the Phaistos Disc. He will transcend sport and merge with the cosmos to create touchdown after beautiful touchdown.

One last thing. As we are hopefully celebrating a victory that will be a true watershed in our team's history, let us spare a thought for two men: Matt Schaub and Mario Williams. We all know what kind of heat the front office took for taking Mario. Kubiak took a lot of heat for trading to get Schaub from Atlanta as well. Both of these moves were absolutely the right moves to make, and they both turned out great. And yet, because our team is apparently cursed, neither man is able to take his place in the huddle for this occasion. And that is a tragedy.

It's getting late here, and I have to go to bed. I will need to guard my sleep carefully since I will be up late/early on Saturday. I will leave you now with the following thoughts:

The Texans are in the playoffs. For the first time ever. Enjoy the shit out of every second.

Bengals vs Texans coverage

The All-Purpose Playoff De-Lurking Thread, Or: Let's Get To Know One Another A Little Better

tehGrindCrusher — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:55:03 -0000

Hi there. May I say that you look marvelous?

Long time ago, before Tim elevated me to the masthead, I put up this FanPost as a way to get members of our growing fanbase better-acquainted with one another. Since that time, a lot has changed. The Texans have broken our hearts repeatedly, and in ever-increasingly soul-destroying ways. They've become successful and are now enjoying their first-ever playoff berth. And the BRB readership has continued to grow. Under the leadership of Tim, the masthead has changed a lot as well, adding a whole crew of writers as good as any on any blog of any kind anywhere. I definitely feel like the Laettner on this Dream Team.

Over at BRB-central we noticed that, inspired by the Texans' playoff run and Vega's remarkable bit of writing, quite a few lurkers have come out and declared their undying love for all things Texan. We think this is great and want to encourage it. Therefore, I have been commissioned to draft the latest version of the introduction thread. Interest in things Texan is at an all-time high, and we want to bring as many new members into the fold as possible. If you're a regular, occasional or first-time lurker, consider this your chance to proudly announce or re-announce yourself to the world. You are welcome here.

I'll go first after the jump.

My name is tGC and I live far, far away, practically in another galaxy from Houston. I am currently the only Texans blogger living in the nation of Qatar. There are a surprising amount of Texans here, and Texans fans, due to the oil and natural gas industry, but only one Texans blogger: moi. I am a proud born and raised Houstonian and a supporter of all Houston sports teams. My first sporting love is the Astros, but this subject is far too painful to discuss in this happy place. My first sporting memory is going to Rice Stadium to watch Rice play (and get crushed by) all-comers in the old Southwest Conference with my dad.

My second sporting memory is going to watch the Astros play in the early eighties. It was right around that time that I got into the Oilers, and the rest is history. Like many of you, I grieved when Bud Adams took my team away. I cried when the Texans won their first-ever game. I hurled after all the heart-breaking losses. And I cried again, not when the Texans won their tenth game, but when the Titans lost, assuring the Texans would win the division.

It's harder to be amped about this game out here in my lonely oasis of Texans fandom, but I'm still plenty stoked. I wish I could be in Houston to share this with the city because I remember very vividly how awesome it was when the Oilers made it back to the playoffs after a long drought and beat the Seahawks, thanks to Tony Zendejas's field goal. Of course, I also remember the playoff hurt as well. Take the rough with the smooth, amirite?

In my normal life, I have a wife, three kids and an SUV with a 22-gallon tank that costs an absurdly small amount to fill up here. $17 to be exact. In fact, I have two SUVs. I love the outdoors and outdoor sports, especially climbing, surfing and skiing. I used to be a backpacking guide and high-angle SAR specialist. I was once a teacher. I lived out of my car for a while - it was awesome, truly. My other sporting love is Ajax Amsterdam, the greatest soccer team in the multiverse. I have been to forty countries and flown around the world. I've been to paradise but I've never been to me.

And I am ready as hell for the playoffs to start.

What about you, BRB? Who are you? Tell us!

Thoughts on (Another) Loss, Gary Kubiak, and Officials

tehGrindCrusher — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 10:42:05 -0000

Pretend for a moment that you are a heavy smoker. You have tried to quit several times over the years but you just can't shake the habit. One day you go to the doctor and you get some bad news: you have lung cancer. The doctor tells you that they can save you, but they have to take out a lung. Naturally, you agree to this. You go to the hospital for the operation. They put you under and perform the surgery. When you wake up, however, the surgeon tells you that they have mistakenly taken out the wrong lung (don't laugh - it has happened before).

Naturally, you are shocked, and more than a little bit concerned because the doctor accidentally took out your good lung, leaving you with the cancerous one to keep you breathing. You weigh your options and decide to pursue a malpractice lawsuit. You go to court and explain what happened. The surgeon's defense? He says, Well, you should have known better than to smoke in the first place.

This is the best analogy I can find for the last Texans game. Want to find out why? Follow me across the jump... if you dare.

I think it's fair to say that no judge in their right mind would buy the surgeon's defense. Yet it's true, people who don't smoke are much less likely to get lung cancer than people who do. The surgeon, as a person whose job it is to remove people's cancerous lungs while leaving behind their non-cancerous ones, has a job to do regardless of whether or not the patient put him- or herself in a particular situation by their behaviors.

So it is also with referees. They have a job to do, just like football coaches and players. The world of sports has officials because within its narrow confines there is undoubtedly right and wrong. It is the job of the official to police the line between right and wrong and to punish players when they cross that line. So when an official blows a call, he has failed to do his job in exactly the same way as Arian Foster does when he fumbles the football, Neil Rackers does when he misses a kick, or T.J. Yates when he throws an interception.

Yet for some reason, a large segment of the fanbase insists that people should not gripe about the officiating, even when the Texans (or whatever team they are supporting) are on the wrong end of a series of clearly bad calls, such as - to pick one example out of the ether - a blatant offensive pass interference no less than five yards in front of the official whose job it is to see these things. There is no point in complaining about the officials, they say, when the Texans should have scored more points, played better defense, etc etc etc.

Nonsense. The officials have a job to do and it is perfectly legitimate to point it out when they fail and speculate about the consequences. We do it when Kareem Jackson gets beat deep for the umpteenth time. We do it when Chris Brown is asked to throw a pass despite never having done so in his professional career. We do it when Gary Kubiak mystifies us with his play calling. When J.J. Watt gets flagged for more than one phantom unnecessary roughness penalty and Johnathan Joseph gets his shirt pulled right in front of the official without a flag, the only correct response in my book is to point out that the official got it wrong. And when officials get it wrong, winnable games can become lose-able ones.

Now, those who argue that we should worry about playing better rather than the officials have a point. And that's the other salient part of the metaphor I led this post with: much like the person with lung cancer probably shouldn't have been smoking in the first place, the Texans most certainly could have played better as well. Ben Tate, for example, was bad, although I suspect the o-line had a lot more to do with it. Likewise, I may be alone in this, but I think that JJow has not been playing as well as he did in the beginning of the season. Kareem Jackson may be getting better at running with his man, but he turns his head about as well as Frankentsein's monster.

By the same token, I have to scratch my head at some of Kubiak's game-planning. T.J. Yates had a pretty good game by the numbers (13/16 for 132 yards and 8.3 ypa). It boggles me that Kubes only let him air it out 16 times. I understand that he is going up against Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, but at a certain point, when the offense is looking at eight-man front after eight-man front, would it kill him to run a few more pass plays? I understand that, particularly as the game wore on, killing the clock was important, but when you have a) a running back who is gouging yards; b) an opponent who is clearly gearing up to stop the run; and c) an arsenal of amazing tight ends, a play action pass for (at least) eight yards is just as as effective as a run for two, clock be damned. After all, a first down is worth more than a three-and-out.

I would take this right now if it meant winning a playoff game (via firewadephillips.com)

Here's what I hope Kubes does in the next game: realizing that we're basically locked into the third seed, I hope Kubes puts his trust in Yates a little more. While his line from the last game screams "game manager" I think that's giving Weejay the short shrift. We know Weejay has the ability to make accurate deep throws and is mobile. It's time to let him loose. Sure, he runs the risk of getting hurt, but so does every player on every play or even in practice. Let's see what T.J. can do. Maybe he'll suck. So what. He's shown that he's resilient enough to handle it. It's just as likely, though, that he'll play pretty well and learn some new things that could come in handy in the playoffs. Plus, with Wade Phillips coming back to the sideline soon (and let's be honest, it's pretty clear that he has had a HUGE hand in our team's success so far) T.J. is going to have a little more margin for error than he did in the last two games.

So waddaya say, Gary? Are you with me? Let's see what T.J. can do.

Texans vs Colts coverage I Titans vs Texans coverage

Thoughts On A Loss, And On Bob McNair

tehGrindCrusher — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 17:50:48 -0000

I will admit up front that I don't follow the gameday threads. Not, gentle readers, because I dislike you. And not, I wish to assure our corporate overlords, because I dislike our wonderful sponsors, without whom, ~~yours truly~~ Ashton Kutcher could not reap the rewards of SB Nation's largesse. No, the reason that I don't follow the gameday threads is that I watch my Texans via an internet stream (NFL GamePass, if you're wondering) which usually follows reality by about thirty seconds. Following the gameday threads, then, is like following a three-and-a-half hour spoiler. Not really worth it.

The unfortunate part about that is that I actually enjoy much of the instantaneous discussion and banter that goes back and forth on the threads. I really like the spontaneity, and when you are surrounded by wits such as the usual cast of characters around here, you can create a lot of fun. On the other hand, the gameday threads tend to become an exercise in hand-wringing and collective self-flogging that can bring a brother down from time to time. And who needs that when NFL games are already as cathartic as a Sophoclean tragedy?

The one advantage about this is that I can watch the games with a little more detachment. When Arian Foster fumbles on the first play from scrimmage, I get upset, but it is a lot easier to keep my emotions in check, especially since I watch games at home with no one else around. As a massively extraverted individual, I get energized in the presence of others, so watching games with people is often a bad idea, especially if we're losing, because I tend to lose control of my emotions. In essence, what I'm trying to say is that, because of the way I watch games, I feel like I can look at any given Texans game from a bit more of a neutral perspective than I otherwise might, considering I'm a total tragic when it comes to fandom.

So, with that in mind, why don't you all hit the jump for some perspective on the loss?

This is where we are now. (via v4.cache5.c.bigcache.googleapis.com)

I have a picture on the wall in my office. I change jobs every 2-3 years, but with every new job, one of the first things I do is to put the picture somewhere prominent in my office so that I and anyone else who comes in can see it. The picture was taken nearly fifteen years ago. It is of a car that I once owned driving down a desert highway with nothing but a long stretch of road ahead of it. The road goes on ~~forever and the party never ends~~ straight for miles and then zags left at the base of a large rock formation that stands there, stark and orange. The grass is a light green sagebrush. There are no other cars on the road. The sun is bright, the sky blue.

I used to work as a backpacking guide, and this particular picture came into being because I took a group of guides that worked for me on a spontaneous trip from the Rockies (where we worked) to the Moab area. We took two cars, and someone in the rear car snapped the picture as we drove through a particularly desolate stretch of desert. I keep the picture for a few reasons. Part of it is the fact that it reminds me of a fun time in my younger days when I was still carefree and, while I didn't have a lot of money, I was a pretty content guy. The main reason, however, is that the picture reminds me that there is always something in my life ahead: an open road, an obstacle, a detour and - finally - the great unkown. What's behind that awesome rock formation? Don't know. Let's wait until we get there.

And this is the perfect metaphor for an NFL season. Especially for your Houston Texans.

The loss to the Panthers put me in an unusual position. This is the first Texans loss that I can remember that I didn't feel all that bad about. It wasn't gut-wrenching. I hadn't reached the state of apathy, of not caring, that came with losses last year after the team had wrung the last drop of emotion out of me as a result of the aforementioned gut-wrenching losses. This wasn't a loss that hurt because you knew that, even though the Texans were an expansion team, there were other expansion teams that had been successful and the Texans were nowhere close to that. This loss didn't involve the David Carr checkdown-or-turtle phenomenon or Petey Faggins committing multiple penalties in a single play while still conceding a reception.

This was just a loss that happened because football, especially NFL football, is a tough game. Because, as we learned, not even the greatest team ever (as a few of the more excitable NFL pundits had taken to calling the Packers recently) can win every game. There is no doubt that the Texans shit the bed, especially in the first half. There is no point in denying that. But NFL football is a game of such small margins that a few mistakes can make a big difference. The reality is, however, that this team is still much more like the team that won seven in a row - even without Schaub - than the team that lost one in a row.

Another reality is that this team is built on a solid foundation. We can talk as much as we want about the importance of Wade Phillips, but it seems to me that the person who should really step forward to be identified as the person most important to the Texans is Mr Bob McNair. McNair has had to endure a whole lot of outrageous fortune's slings and arrows in his spell as Texans' owner. Some of them are definitely deserved. But a lot of the pundits and members of the commentariat tend to miss the mark as well.

Let's take the most galling criticism I've heard of Bob McNair: that he doesn't want to win. Can we think through this logic for a minute? Dude paid $700 million dollars to bring a team to his hometown. $700 million dollars. To put that in perspective, if you adjust that for inflation, that is approximately an amount of money equivalent to the 2011 GDP of Liberia. Yes, Bob McNair stumped up money equal to the output of an entire nation to buy the Texans (or, if you want to be clever, the combined value of East Timor and Tonga). The man has succeeded at everything he has done and now, after he plunks down a mountain of pennies, he is suddenly content to let the team suck? Does that make any kind of sense at all?

I think the problem stems from McNair's frustrating tendency to hold on to people too long. We can all recite the examples in chapter and verse by now. Capers, Casserly, Carr, Richard Smith, Frank Bush. And this can be a weakness in certain circumstances. But not when it comes to Bob McNair and his particular management style. And I think a lot of the pundits who criticize McNair don't understand management. Why would they? They are media figures. They are paid to write, not to actually do things like manage complex organizations.

When I look at McNair, on the other hand, I see an effective manager. There is no one way to be successful as a manager. An effective manager does so based on his own personality. Therefore you have managers who are more hands-off and managers who are more hands-on. Either way can be effective. McNair's strategy clearly tends towards the hands-off approach. McNair puts people in positions of authority and allows them to exercise that authority, for good or ill, and reserves judgment until the end of the season. When you're stuck with Frank Bush, it sucks. It's kind of a hit-or-miss operation (just like everything else) but over time, your successes tend to stick around and your failures tend to get ejected.

It's frustrating as hell when you have to endure an entire season (or more) of Richard Smith, but Bob's management style is responsible for creating the conditions that have turned the Texans into what is, by some distance, the most resilient team in the league. Because Bob's style breeds self-reliance by allowing people room to fail or succeed. An organization that works by those rules is by definition going to be more resilient than one managed from the top down because its foundation is stronger. So it may have taken McNair a little longer to get there than we all would have liked, but my prediction is that we're going to stay near the summit longer than the average NFL team does. And that's all down to Bob.

So we've hit an obstacle on our team's path to word domination. It's just a detour. What lies beyond that rock formation? We're about to find out.

BREAKING NEWS: Matt Schaub to IR, Texans Sign Kellen Clemens

tehGrindCrusher — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 17:18:07 -0000

Well, Texans fans, much like the news that the guy your girlfriend has been hanging out with all the time who she swears is "just a friend" is actually taking dirty liberties with her while you're at work, we now have confirmation that what we suspected regarding Matt Schaub all along is true. ~~He is banging your girlfriend.~~ Per your friendly four-letter network, your Houston Texans have officially put Matt Schaub on the IR. To fill the void left by Schaub, the Texans have signed former Jet/Redskin Kellen Clemens to fill the roster spot.

Obviously, this isn't exactly a surprise. Even if Schaub could somehow be healthy by the time the playoffs rolled around, he would be very rusty at exactly the time the team would need him to be sharp. It sucks for Schaub, whom discerning readers might recall was a somewhat controversial pick-up when the Texans flipped first round picks and sent two second rounders to the Falcons to pick him up. Now that he is at the helm of a team that is set to make a big run, he gets hurt. As with the Mario Williams injury, it is a reminder of the cruelty of fate.

Spare a thought for Matt Leinart, though. This is his chance to shine. He showed a lot of maturity when he decided to stay with the Texans instead of chasing an offer to start with a weaker team. And if accounts from his coaches and teammates are to be believed, his work habits are what you would expect from a guy who wants to succeed in professional sports. If he can't be successful working in an offense that features studs at all the skill positions while being coached by the Quarterback Whisperer, he can't make it in this league. Myself, I'm optimistic. I think he'll do just fine, though probably not as good as Schaub would have done. When the time comes, he'll have played well enough to catch the eye of some other team who will sign him for a good-sized contract. Then he'll promptly return to his late-Cardinals form.

Anyway, this is what we have to deal with. Please commiserate below. Think this is just another example of how cruel fate has played with us yet again? Fire away. Think that Matty Light is going to be Steve Young to Matt Schaub's Joe Montana? Let 'er rip.

Bonus video!

Biz Markie - 'Just A Friend' (Music Video) (via UnderGroundHoodlum)

The Bandwagon Revisited

tehGrindCrusher — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 17:14:16 -0000

It wasn't that long ago that I drafted a post entitled Welcome to the Bandwagon. The premise was that, because the Texans were finally looking like a winning team, (yeah, wow) the team would be attracting legions of new fans, many finding their way to this humble corner of the blogosphere. Turns out that that post was a wee bit premature, to say the least. We did draw some new fans, but I bet quite a few of them lacked the stomach for the drunken shopping cart ride that lay ahead and promptly abandoned ship.

Nowadays, however, things are different. We are better. We are jinx-proof. And we are about to be a playoff team.

Which means more bandwagon fans. After the jump, here are my thoughts on how we can be welcoming to our new cohorts. Let's make like Wee Man and jump, shall we?

Since a lot of you have been around for a while, I won't go into the more basic things that you all know about the site. You guys know about the no-homophobic-slurs thing and whether or not it's kosher to mention someone. You know about the glossary. You know about Jordann and his panda suit and Tim and his Zima fetish. Let's go further. I want to dig down to a more advanced level of BRBology.

THE RULES REVISITED

Number One: We're Not As Cool As We Think.

Remember that girl you knew back in high school, who was a total loser and wanted to hang out with you and would probably put out but you didn't want to be seen with her? Remember how your id was totally like, "Dude, go for it!" and your ego was like, "Hells no you dumbass, everyone will laugh, and besides, if you ever saw a real female naked you would probably black out from a sudden lack of blood to the brain?" Remember how you, being the not-so-suave guy that you were back in those days, gave in to your ego and passed an opportunity to get down with her? Remember how you ran into her a few years later at a party when you were both home from college and she was totally hot? Remember how you got drunk and tried to hit on her only to watch her leave the party with some other guy while you puked in the rose bush out back because you, in your drunken stupor, foolishly puffed on a dried up Cubano that some guy handed you? And then you saw her at the mall the next day and you were hungover as hell and she gave you look that screamed out, "I can't believe I ever saw anything in that turd?"

We've all been there, right? Haven't we?

Right. In that ~~horrible memory from my past~~ scenario, the girl represents the Texans, only they're not quite at the point that they're ready to go back to the old neighborhood, walk into a party and leave with the dude of their choice. It's more like they're that girl when she's at the stage where she has enough self-realization to be aware that she has been pretty much a moped her whole life and she's going to start doing something about it. She's started working out and died her hair. But she's not at hotty stage yet because she's still insecure and clingy, and until she gets some true self-confidence and/or buys a push up bra, she's still going to be begging people to pay attention to her.

That's where we are as a franchise and a fanbase. We are getting better, but in truth, we haven't really done anything yet. We're no longer to the point where we have to get people drunk to hook up with us, and when we do hook up, we still tend to sit by the phone in the days afterwards hoping for a call that never comes. Likewise, as Texans fans, we protest loudly that we don't care about how much the national media neglects us, but then we make MMQB our first stop on Monday mornings just to see where Peter King has ranked us in the Fine Fifteen.

In my opinion, there are two things to consider when dealing with this. First off, this team is going to do good things, and soon. Just like the girl in our example is going to develop more self-confidence and eventually be a head-turner who can afford to blow off douchebags that wouldn't talk to her in high school, this team is going to have success. Probably this year. You can't really change when you become a fan of your team, just like you can't change where you were born. But you can appreciate the ride, especially if you came on board when the team sucked. Even if you were a latecomer to Texans fandom, you can appreciate that this team (and this town) have yearned for quality football for years. So appreciate the ride up, because one day there will be a ride down.

Number Two: Humor Is Your Armor.

To save time, I'm going to quote from my previous post here.

Have you ever tried to tell someone outside of Houston that you're a Texans fan? Do you like the way you feel when you see the look on their face? That's why, in order to survive as a Texans fan when things were really bad, we turned to alcohol. And when alcohol ceased to be effective, we turned to humor. Acceptable targets for humor include, but are not limited to: David Carr, Darcy Maeda, Seth Wand, Phillip Buchanon, Matt Stevens, Charley Casserley, Dom Capers, the Houston Chronicle (more on this later) and Tony Boselli.

Other acceptable targets include: how funny it is that so many people hated the Cushing pick, Travis Johnson,Anthony Weaver, Petey Faggins, Dunta Robinson, Richard Smith, Frank Bush, Eugene Wilson and Rhonda Kubiak. Basically, anyone is fair game.

Now, this all applied last year because we still really sucked (even if we didn't know it yet). And now that we are on the verge of becoming successful, it's important to keep it in mind. Because being the funny losers who no one really minded is one thing. But being douchebags when your team is winning is, well, like being a Cowboys fan if the Cowboys ever won anything.

One of the many things that has made BRB great over the years is that we've never taken ourselves too seriously. I want to stress that being able to poke fun at yourself, even when you aren't doing it as a defense mechanism, is an important part of keeping this community vibrant and respected. Even if it feels completely weird.

Number Three: Vince Young Still Sucks.

You think that just because he now plays Ringo Starr to Mike Vick's John Lennon that VY somehow wriggles off the hook? Poppycock. Vince Young sucks. He sucked yesterday and he will suck tomorrow. And the day after that, until infinity. He. Just. ~~Wins. Games.~~ Sucks. Also, it's acceptable to dislike Tim Tebow, not because of his overbearing cockiness, but because of his overbearing politeness. And the fact that mainstream media commentators fawn all over both of them while ignoring the awesome season we're putting together. And I got dumped at the prom, AND I'M STILL HURT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS 20 YEARS AGO.

Number Four: Thou Shalt Not Read The Chronicle.

Fairly self-explanatory, wouldn't you say? Noted exceptions are, of course, Steph, Lance Z and the occasional piece by Dale Robertson.

I think that pretty much covers it. I hope our long-time regulars continue to show respect to de-lurkers and welcome them into the fold. We're a long way from being as popular as the Cowboys or Steelers as far as fanbases go, but what we lack in racists and douchebags, hopefully we can make up with class and wit. Failing that, there's always inside jokes and risque pictures of Mila Kunis or that Christina model.

Bacon, Bud Light and Vampires, or My Midseason Review of the Texans

tehGrindCrusher — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 17:08:45 -0000

In some ways, it feels like an eternity since the season started all those (eight) weeks ago in Reliant. And yet, in other ways it seems like the season only started yesterday. This amazing compression of time is among both the best and the worst things about the circus that is the NFL. We wait an eternity for the off- and preseason to end so that we can watch our team play real games, and then we wait what feels like an even longer time in between Sundays, micro-analyzing every single thing that happens during games while waiting for the following Sunday to shine on us and give another week's worth of fodder. And yet, in hindsight, it seems like the season finishes in the blink of an eye. Even last season, which seemed never-ending once the Texans turned on the fountain of suck, flew by in retrospect.

So here we are, with half of our regular season games behind us. Now is as good a time as any to take stock of what the Texans have accomplished, what they've done well, and what they've done poorly. With that in mind, I'm going to take you all on a perilous journey through the last eight weeks and maybe we can find some clues about the riddle that is your Houston Texans' 2011 campaign. So what are you waiting for? Let's make like Dan Osman and hit the jump!

I believe that we, as Texans fans, should feel a lot better about our team at this point in the season than at any time in the past. The only other season that I think is comparable would be 2009, when we were also 5-3 after Week Eight. The main differences between this year and that were that we were 1-1 in the division in 2009 after Week Eight, as opposed to 3-0 this year, and our division was much, much stronger in '09 (Jacksonville finished in last place at 7-9 that year, whereas it is possible that 7-9 could be the record of the second place team in the division this year).

So we've established that we are much stronger relative to the rest of the AFC South this year. Why is that, and what does it mean for the Texans as we look at the second half of the season? I'm glad you asked.

Let me lay it on you like this, man. I'm going to divvy up the Texans' first half in the following ways: things that were good ("The Bacon," because it's awesome as hell), bad ("The Bud Light," because, my god it sucks) and shit I just didn't understand (which I will call "The Fascination With Vampires," because I just don't get that shit at all. Vampires in this day and age are this stupid combination of bloodsucking killing machines - good! - and emo self-absorbed wankerness - bad! They were so much better when they were merely strangely-charismatic-yet-silent-and-unstoppable stalkers. And when Ethan Hawke makes a movie about you, you know you've jumped way the hell over the shark). Anywho...let's start with the good stuff. Everyone likes bacon, amirite?

The Bacon

(A/K/A, the awesome. Because you know bacon is where it's at.)

via blog.craftzine.com

(Full credit to MDC for finding this. It's so awesome, I had to bring it back.)

Arian Foster

Does this really need any explanation? I mean, it's not enough for a dude to speak pterodactyl and make fun of fantasy football geeks. And it's not enough for that same guy to approach opposing defensive lines like the Twins approach a brick wall. And if it isn't enough for the same guy who does all this also to be able to outrun defensive backs on the way to the endzone and have 100+ receiving and rushing yards in the same game...well then, I don't suppose you'll like bacon either.

Johnathan Joseph

Remember those days when our starting cornerbacks were Jacques Reeves and Fred Bennett? Or when we actually employed and frequently played Petey Faggins? Remember those days when you would get that sickening feeling in your gut when opposing quarterbacks would launch deep balls, knowing that they were certain completions unless there was a pass interference penalty? Remember that one time that Faggins lined up directly across from Megatron, who was laughing so hard he almost tripped while running the eighty yards to the Lions' endzone? Do you have any idea how mad thinking about all this makes me? HOLY GOD IT STILL PISSES ME OFF TO THIS DAY. SO VERY ANGRY RIGHT NOW.

Wait. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. Johnathan Joseph. Dude is good. Scary good. Before he arrived in town, I had no idea how it felt to have a lockdown corner on your team. I have to say, it feels damn good. Like eating bacon wrapped in bacon.

Chris Myers

Remember that day a few years ago, when Kris Jenkins picked Chris Myers up and bludgeoned Matt Schaub with him? Seems like a long time ago. But since that time, Myers has become, according to some metrics, one of the very best centers in the game. He still isn't the best pass-blocker in the league, but he is a top-notch run-blocker and one of the very best second-level blockers in the game. He is a big reason why our offensive line is considered one of the better units in the league.

BRAIN CRUSHING

Sure, the guy has small testicles and, uh, trains too hard. And he looks like the bad guy in a John Hughes 1980s comedy film. But he is having a season on par with his 2009 rookie year. I've watched a lot of film on him, and in some ways I'd say he's even better than he was in 2009. His tackling, for instance, has improved to the point that he's no longer getting dragged a few yards by opposing running backs. His ability to shed blockers has returned, and his aggressiveness in pursuit of the ball carrier is fearsome. I'm glad he's back to his old self, although I worry about his nuts.

Tight Ends

According to Football Outsiders, we have three of the top fifteen tight ends in the league. Aside from Arian Foster, the other major reason for our continued success without Andre Johnson is our tight ends. In the four games since 'Dre went down, our tight ends have combined for approximately 400 yards receiving and four touchdowns. I believe that the tight ends' ability to rise to the occasion has covered up the fact that, after 'Dre, our receiving corps is average at best.

Wade Phillips

It's not like this guy needs more bacon, as I'm sure he gets more than his fair share at home. But there is no denying that Wade Phillips has been a huge reason (if not the single greatest) reason that our team is in the position in which he currently finds itself. Yes, he has some more talent to work with than his predecessors. He has Johnathan Joseph and J.J. Watt. He had Danieal Manning and G-Lover Quin at safety. But the improvement in talent only counts for so much. Does anyone honestly think our defense would be this good if Frank Bush had the same level of talent at his disposal? Not a chance. It's also important to point out that, according to Football Outsiders, our defense continues to get better, even though Mario Williams is out for the season. That comes down to coaching, both when it comes to schemes and getting the players to buy into what's going on. We all expected Phillips to improve the defense, but I don't think many of us expected it to improve as much as it has so far.

Matt Schaub

Yes. Matt Schaub. I know there is a sizable section of the fanbase and BRB readership that downgrades Schaub due to his tendency to throw the occasional poorly-timed interception, but let's look at the numbers: 2,000+ yards, 13 touchdowns against only five interceptions. He hasn't thrown a pick in his last three games. If contextual stats are your thing, Football Outsiders has Schaub ranked as the fifth-best quarterback in the NFL right now. The only relatively disappointing thing about Schaub this year is that his completion percentage is about 5-6 percentage points below his career average. It would be great if Aaron Rodgers or Tom Brady were under center for the Texans, but at this point in time, Schaub is pretty much the next best thing.

The Bud Light

via deathslittleinstructionbook.files.wordpress.com

(A/K/A, the bad.) Before I start, can I just say again how hideous Bud Light is? It's even worse than Coors Light. I would rather drink fermented cat vomit strained through Rex Ryan's boxers.

Injuries

Obviously, the team doesn't have a lot of control about injuries (for the most part). Nonetheless, injuries have had a significant impact on the team this year. The injury that comes to mind first is Mario's pectoral injury, which was a huge shame, considering how well Mario was playing. After that, of course, is the injury to AJ, which at least is not season-ending. Arian Foster. Danieal Manning. Ben Tate. James Casey. All of these injuries have had an impact on the Texans this year, to say nothing of DeMeco's injury from last year, which has clearly also taken its toll. The silver lining in all of this is that the team has been able to overcome these losses.

Kareem Jackson, Cornerback

Is there any doubt that Jackson, he of the one pass defensed, is in the starting lineup over Jason Allen, of three interceptions fame, because Jackson is a first round pick and Allen a free agent? Because I can't find any other reality-based explanation (note: having pictures of Gary Kubiak and AMR getting down in the equipment shed does not count as reality-based) to this most important issue. Jackson can't cover deep routes and isn't particularly good at covering short routes either. When you're giving up a touchdown pass to Blaine Gabbert and whatever stiff the Jags signed as a wide receiver, you are not a good cornerback. He is a good tackler, however. I'll give him that much.

Wade Phillips in shorts

Need I say more? Thank god that only happened in the preseason.

The Strange Fascination With Vampires

(A/K/A, stuff I'm not too sure about and can't explain.)

via www.halloweenmania.co.uk

(All vampires should be this cool.)

Jacoby Jones

Is there a more frustrating player on the roster? I can't recall a single other player in the history of the Texans who could piss you off so badly with terrible play and then turn around and pull some amazing, manna-from-heaven catch out of the ether. His horrible game against Oakland was followed by much better play. He even had a few decent punt returns in his last game. He has the talent to be almost as good as 'Dre, yet he is not half as good as 'Dre. The coaching staff has shown more faith in him than I ever would have. And he repays it with just enough performance to keep his spot on the team, but never enough to live up to his potential.

Nose Tackles

You may be wondering why I didn't put our nose tackles in the Bud Light category. I'll tell you why. Because while they are among the weaker links on our team (up there with CB2 and safety), they have shown improvement. Instead of being horrible, they have progressed under the guidance of Wade Phillips to the point where now, they are merely below average. But the reason that they wind up here in the Strange Fascination With Vampires category is that I am still at a loss to understand why we are playing these two slugs at NT. Perhaps our defensive brain trust truly thought that it could make a good nose tackle out of Shawn Cody and/or Earl Mitchell. Perhaps they figured they had so many other areas to improve upon that nose tackle was a secondary priority. In any event, I hope they address it in the offseason, because our defense could go from stout to legendary with a good nose tackle.

Kubiak's Ability to Challenge Calls

Am I beating a dead horse here? Probably, so I'll be brief. I could have listed this under Bud Light, but for me the issue isn't that he's bad at it, it's that I have absolutely no clue what Kubiak is thinking when he challenges play calls. I can think of at least three occasions where his guiding thoughts have not been to compare the game situation with the odds of winning the challenge and performing some kind of cost-benefit analysis, but rather to smooth the ego of one of his players (the Dreessen drop against Oakland, the Walter catch against Jacksonville and the Tate fumble in the same game). That's a ridiculous reason to challenge calls on the field. Sadly, I don't have any faith that Kubes will get better at this.

Putting Games Away

It's been a hallmark of the Kubiak years, but never more frustrating than this year. Fortunately, over the last two games, there is evidence that the Texans are starting to develop the ability to pull ahead when they need to. One of the frustrating things about the Steelers game was that it should have been a lot more lopsided, score-wise, than it was. Ditto the first half of the Jags game. But the Titans game and the play of Schaub, Foster and the defense down the stretch against the Jags gives me hope. Now that we're in a softer stretch of the schedule, I hope the Texans develop the ability to be a bit more clinical than they were in the first few games of the season.

That's where I see the team after eight games. What about you?

Hello, My Name Is tehGrindCrusher, And I Like To Do Drawrings! Your Contribution Wanted!

tehGrindCrusher — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 15:32:23 -0000

Football is a violent sport. But that doesn't mean that there is no art in football. Why, not so long ago, MDCelo provided us with a glimpse into his artistic abilities with this spot-on Dada-ist reimagination of ESPN talking head Stuart Scott.

via assets.sbnation.com

If Warhol taught us anything, it's that anything can be art, from a can of tomato soup to a ham of a TV personality. With that in mind, I thought I'd scour the internets (or maybe the darkest corners of my twisted mind) to come up with some more examples of Texans or NFL-related art. Let's hit the jump and browse through the gallery, shall we?

I thought I'd start with something generally topical. Take a look at Roger Goodell here.

Notice the way Goodell's square jaw frames the upper half of the picture, drawing the reader's gaze to his blue, laser-like eyes. Notice also the way form, color and texture combine to create something slightly synergistic, with a hint of the kind of apathy, or perhaps angst, that could only describe the affectation that accompanies life in the twenty first century? This is a painting that Lucien Freud would be happy to claim.

Next, we come to something a bit more Texans-specific. Gary Kubiak, a man of action:

This work clearly suggests the bold, yet perpetually rakish affection that the artist has for his subject, redolent of Gauguin-era synthetism, with all the emotional baggage that word entails. Stark, yet somehow taken from a vantage that recapitulates the baser forms of post-Impressionism, one can relate somewhat to the affable subject, yet one is left with a wanting, a yearning, as one strives to understand the true emotional depth inherent in this most complex individual. And also to comprehend his play calling in the red zone.

Lastly, let's take a look at something a little different, a landscape scene. I like to call this Unicorn With Outside Linebacker.

Like me, I'm sure you immediately thought of Reubens when you first saw this. The concentration of the subject in the center of the image, the framing along the top and bottom to draw the eye in are all clearly reminiscent of the Flemish Baroque period. Notice also, however, sentiments that one might not find associated with thoughts of that school - the innocence of the unicorn, its golden tears failing to help in its doomed plight to escape annihilation. The urgency with which the outside linebacker hunts its prey - these images contrast markedly with the more Romantic fare one might associate with the movement and clearly hint at Guernica or some such. We are tormented, wanting to flee in fear, yet somehow aroused and drawn to the painting like a moth to a flamethrower.

Well, gentle readers, I sure hope you enjoyed this brief tour through the Texans internet art world. Would you like to join in? If this kind of thing tickles your fancy, please leave your creation in the comments.

As with any creative endeavor, the key is to put a little bit of yourself into your work. Have at it!

Eww, Somebody Has An Inflection (Point)

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:19:21 -0000

With 12:45 left in the fourth quarter, the Texans clung onto a three point lead against the Dolphins. The team hadn't executed particularly well in the red zone throughout the game, settling for two chip shot field goals early in the game. Had the Texans punched it in during either or both of their early trips to the red zone, the game may have already been over for all intents and purposes. However, this was not the case and the Texans faced an inflection point.

With basically a full quarter to play and only three points separating the teams, the game was essentially a toss up. What happened next was a good indicator of just how much the team has improved since last year. Want to walk hand-in-hand with me while we break down what happened? Awesome. Let's do like Cyril Raffaeli and flip across the jump.

Hope you all stuck your landings. Let's set the scene again: the Texans have been leading all game, but thanks to some slack defending by ~~Petey Faggins~~ Jason Allen and a field goal, the Dolphins are right back in the game. The Texans have a three point lead with slightly less than 13 minutes left to play and are about to receive a kickoff. The game could go either way. There is plenty of time left on the clock and lots can happen. From the Texans' perspective, some possible outcomes, ranked from most to least desirable, are:

Going on a long, time-consuming drive that leads to a touchdown and gives the Dolphins the ball back with less than two minutes on the clock;
Going on a long, time-consuming drive that leads to a field goal and gives the Dolphins the ball back with less than two minutes on the clock;
Scoring a fairly quick touchdown;
Scoring a fairly quick field goal;
Moving the ball but not enough to get within field goal distance, which forces them to punt;
A turnover; and
A pick six.

There are probably a few others, and some people might quibble with how I ordered these, but I think this covers the most likely scenarios. So, what happened? Let's take a look.

Danieal Manning does an excellent job returning the kickoff (I'm super impressed by his returns, by the way) and gets the good guys some excellent field position at the Houston 37. From there, it's still standard play calling by Kubiak/Dennison and the Texans go pass, pass, run, run, pass with the last pass being a touchdown to Dre. Pretty standard Kubiak play calling, except for the lack of play action. Ben Tate caught a pass for a first down and ran for one. In addition to Johnson, Schaub (who hung tough and took a big beating right after he dished to Tate - thanks to Myers getting abused by a swim move) and Tate, Manning stepped up and made a big play.

So far so good. It would have been nicer if the offense took more time off the clock, but let's not get too picky here. The Texans' lead is now ten points and about ten minutes remain. Still plenty of time to play, so there are more inflection points to come. Now it's our defense's turn.

After a good kickoff and coverage, the Dolphins get the ball right around their eight yard line. Ten minutes to go. Henne takes the snap, drops back, and is forced to scramble because a) his receivers are covered; b) JJ Watt gets his hand up and manages to block a passing lane; and c) he feels the pass rush. Mario puts a good move on Jake Long and gets past him; Long should probably have gotten called for a hold. Henne gains about two before Smith brings him down. Next play, Reggie Bush is stopped cold for a short gain by Kareem Jackson. Quite frankly, I don't know how Bush could live with himself after that play. I mean, Kareem Jackson is shutting you down? Anwyay. I digress.

This leads to about a third and five. Henne drops back again, but the combination of good coverage and strong pass rush force him to leave the pocket, where he comes face-to-face with the talented Mr Cushing, a meeting I don't think Henne will be forgetting any time soon. The upshot of all of this is the Dolphins have a fourth and one and elect to punt. It's not really within the scope of this post, but I think it would be possible to have a discussion about the Dolphins' play calling on this drive, and not just about the choice to punt on fourth down here (the long and short of it is, why go to Bush outside the tackles on second down when going up the gut with Thomas had been so effective?). A lot of players stepped up in this short but very important series, including basically the d-line/OLBs and secondary, with extra kudos going to Cushing and Jackson.

In any event, the Dolphins pretend to go for it and burn even more time off the clock in a failed attempt to draw the Texans offside before eventually deciding to call a timeout and then punt. This was phenomenally stupid game management by the Dolphins who, down by two scores, needed to preserve every second on the clock and save their timeouts. The Dolpins punt and Jacoby nearly gives us all a heart attack before being brought down around the Houston twenty. Now the offense faces a situation where, if they do well enough, the game will be out of reach for the Dolphins (especially now that Frank Bush is no longer the defensive coordinator).

Eight minutes to go, first and ten, ball on the Houston 18. From this point on, Kubiak has decided that, with a ten point lead, killing the clock is more important than scoring. The outcomes that I laid out above change in rank order, with eating the clock more important than scoring. As such, Kubes calls run after run after delicious Ben Tate run. Every first down essentially allows the Texans to burn over a minute off the clock. Kubiak calls one timeout on a third and short, which seems to run against what he should be doing, but I suspect he did that because Tate was off the field getting a breather and he wanted to get him back in the game. Sure and begot, after the timeout the give is to Tate who powers his way for another first down. By now, there's five minutes left in the game, the clock is ticking and the Texans' o-line is rolling.

On the next set of downs, however, the drive stalls out and the Texans face a third and eight on their 46. Earlier in the game, this would have been a passing situation, but not here. By now, 3:10 remains in the game and the Dolphins have two timeouts. An incomplete pass would stop the clock and basically give the Dolphins back that timeout that they foolishly burned in the previous series. Kubiak dials up a run which doesn't lead to a first down, but it keeps the clock ticking and forces Miami to burn another timeout. Now there are three minutes left, the Dolphins are down by ten and they have only one timeout. How you like them apples, Mr Sparano?

More great special teams coverage leads to the Dolphins starting out on their twenty yard line. This game is all over but the shouting, however, as Texans fans we know that a lot can happen in a short period of time. We cringe and hope for the best, trying hard not to think about fiascoes against Jacksonville, the Jets, the Ravens, or whatever other game. The defense, however, has other ideas and Smith promptly sacks Henne with a huge assist from Barwin, who abused Long, pushing him right back into Henne so that he had nowhere to go when Smith came a-knocking.

As an aside, further tape study shows that both Barwin and Mario had monster games. I mean, Jake Long is a hoss, and both of them had him screaming his safe word at various times in the game.

Moving along, immediately after the sack, Henne drops back to pass (once again under real pressure) throws to his right. Joseph has good coverage and the pass is ruled incomplete as the receiver ends up out of bounds. Texans fans, not used to seeing cornerbacks who can actually cover, promptly freak out. On the next play, JJ Watt bats the ball down. On fourth down, an under-pressure Henne throws downfield but the receiver can't hang on (and Colombo is called for holding) and the game is over after Tate rushes for one more first down.

What's the moral of all this? If you skip back to the beginning of the fourth quarter, the outcome of this game was nowhere near decided. It could have gone either way. If the Texans turn the ball over deep in their own territory, they could be looking at having to come back from behind on the road - never a good situation in which to find yourself. However, some smart play calling (on offense and defense) and key performances by Texans players gradually turned a close contest into one where only one outcome was possible.

Inflection points crop up all over NFL games, but the closer the game gets to the final whistle, the greater the chance that a particular event can change the outcome of the game. Individual plays become more important. Coaching decisions (such as the decision to burn off clock, then call a timeout and punt with eight minutes left in the game) have larger impacts. The team that makes the best decisions in these situations will win a lot more than they lose.

I'm sure that we'd all like to see the Texans win each game by 20 or more points. But the reality is that in the modern NFL that kind of stuff just doesn't happen. Furthermore, this game was a pretty good test of every part of the Texans team. Players on offense, defense and special teams all made important contributions at key moments, and the coaching staff managed the game about as well as possible. It wasn't sexy, it wasn't the kind of stuff that leads on Sportscenter, but it was something possibly better: it was clinical, professional and ruthless. It was drama-free. And I'd say that, if you're looking for a reason to think the Texans can play into the New Year this season, handling a tricky road game like the Dolphins and turning it into a semi-boring game is a pretty good one.

Football - Our Passion

tehGrindCrusher — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 18:56:22 -0000

We live in cynical times. We live in dangerous times. Normally we don’t talk about world events inside the bubble of BRB, and that suits me just fine. I don’t need to puncture that bubble because this summer, forces beyond our control punctured that bubble for us. In the past, no matter what we’ve had in our lives to put up with, we’ve always had the Texans and the NFL. This year, it looked for a while that we might not have that. Sure, we didn’t actually lose the season, and that’s fantastic. For a time, though, it seemed like a real possibility.

A long time ago, before I joined the BRB staff, I wrote a piece about how awesome the start of the football season was. You can read a slightly updated version of it here. I think all of that stuff still applies. Football still is an amazing game, a journey from summer to winter, from the sickly-sweet heat of the Southeast in August to the bitter steel of frozen Northern gridiron in January. It begins with hope and promise and ends, like my attempts at getting a date for the prom, in bitter disappointment for all but one team. We hope that team will be the Texans.

We’re not here because we think that team will be the Texans, though. We certainly hope it’s the Texans this year. Hell, we certainly hope that the Texans so much as make the playoffs this year. We’re here because we love the Texans. It’s a crazy thing, if you think about it. Multitudes of people contribute to this blog. Our pre/during/postgame threads end up with hundreds upon hundreds of comments. All for a team that has only once ever finished about .500 in its entire existence. This has to be a result of either extreme dedication or insanity. Maybe it’s both.

But in a sense it’s kind of secondary, really. This offseason, we learned that the game that we love so much was also one that we took for granted. I am the most optimistic person around, but if you look back at some of my comments in threads about the labor situation, you will see that I was fairly convinced that we wouldn’t have a full season. And if you are honest with yourselves about it, a great many of you will admit that you felt the same way.

This year, instead of rehashing an old post and exalting the game from the roots up, I decided that I would write my quasi-annual hymn of praise from a different perspective, with a vote of appreciation. Appreciation for the fact that, at the end of the day, both sides in the labor dispute walked to the brink, took a look at the huge chasm that they were about to push themselves into, and decided to pull themselves away from it. But not just that. Appreciation, also, for the fact that this game that forms the basis of this community is still around. This year, we hold out the hope (yet again) that our team will make it to the playoffs, win the division, make it to the AFC Championship game, et cetera. That’s awesome (and for my money, I think we’ll make a big run).

I also hope that this season, each and every one of you takes a minute to consider that this bubble we’ve created around ourselves for the football season is an illusion and that, if conditions are right, forces beyond our control can strip that illusion away and make it void. This season we’re going to laugh and curse. We’re going to shed tears of joy and grief. We’re going to eat, drink and – occasionally – resist the urge to vomit. We’re going to have the best coaches and players ever and we’re going to have the biggest set of bums anyone ever saw. It’s going to be awesome. It’s going to be a crazy ride and I hope it’s going to a long one as well. But beyond that, I hope that each one of you takes a few seconds to acknowledge that, no matter how it gets on the field, it could be a whole lot worse. Not just because we could be Bengals fans. Because if things had worked out differently, we might not have anything to root for at all.

Football, as the legendary Rinus Michels once said of another sport with the same name, is war. I disagree. To make the comparison cheapens both what athletes and soldiers do. Besides, people don’t go to bars on Saturdays and Sundays to eat chicken wings, drink beer and watch tank battles or host barbecues to watch paratroopers land on tv. They do this for sports. This should tell you a lot about the importance of sports in our culture. It brings people together. We may talk trash with fans of the opposing team, but I can tell you, as someone who lives in a foreign country with fairly few NFL fans, just being able to watch a game with another fan is a great, great thing.

So this year, while we’re all chugging bleach or making sacrifices to Durga, while we’re all spending the seemingly endless days between games overanalyzing everything from Wade Phillips’ legs to Shaun Cody’s hair color and everything else in between, I hope we all take a moment to appreciate what a beautiful mess the NFL is. It is a mini-society, with its own unique (and sometimes pointless) rules, its own judges, juries and its own language. And it is presided over by a strange kind of oligarchy that has, despite all of its attempts to ruin things, done very, very well for itself, for the players and for the fans.

The NFL sits at the narrow end of a river that starts out very wide, seeded with kids full of dreams and pushing out a few grown men who are violent for a living. In between, there are fields of crisply-cut, fragrant grass, mud bogs that grab a person’s feet and hold them like a spurned lover, ice-cold slabs of earth that sting like a slap across the face and sweltering days in the summer heat when optimism does more to keep you cool than ice water. A journey through football from kids to pros is not just a journey from youth to age. It’s a journey through America. Because American football is, to paraphrase Lombardi, America.

Like you all, I hope to see Andre Johnson lifting the Lombardi Trophy and passing it to Mario Williams this winter. I honestly think I might cry that day, just as much as I cried during The Fox And The Hound when I was a kid or last year when I found out that Steve Carell was leaving The Office. But even if that doesn’t happen, I will find some sliver of pleasure from knowing that at very least we have football. Because there was a good chance that we wouldn’t.

Something To Be Hopeful About--Offense Edition

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 02 Sep 2011 18:17:55 -0000

Now, I know what you're thinking. It's probably something along the lines of, "What? Our offense needs something to be hopeful about? Do you really agree with that weirdo who said that losing Vonta Leach was going to hurt the Texans' offense?"

Most likely, actually, you're probably thinking something like, "Man, is there anything that isn't improved by adding bacon?"

But I digress.

One of the less-frustrating (but still frustrating) things about the Texans' season last year was the seeming ineffectiveness of the play action attack. It seemed to take a step backwards after being fairly effective in 2009. How many times did we see Matt Schaub fake a handoff to a running back, roll out on a naked bootleg with acres of space and have to wait and eventually throw it away because nobody was open? While I haven't gone back and counted, the number of times this happened was higher than it ought to have been, considering the effectiveness of Arian Foster.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that our play action was more effective in 2009 when we had virtually no running game for much of the season than it was in 2010. However, there is cause for optimism. While preseason results are not good for forecasting how a team is going to perform in the upcoming year, I do believe that we can look at individual processes and use them as a barometer for specific parts of a team's performance. In other words, a team's preseason win-loss record is meaningless as a forecasting tool, but if a team is successful or not in certain specific areas, I think it is fair to look at those things by themselves and make an educated guess about how well they might do these same things in the regular season.

To give you some specific examples, I would say that preseason performance will tell us a lot about our how well our defense pressures opposing quarterbacks, how poorly our special teams covers and how well we use play action. We've talked a lot about the first two things, but I haven't seen too much discussion on the third item--play action.

Want to find out more? Then make like Jeb Corliss and take a massive, insane jump with me.

I believe that we will see the Texans improve on play action significantly this year. Not only that, I don't think the presence of Arian Foster in the backfield will make or break the Texans play action success. It's kind of a given among a lot of football pundits that in order for a play action to be successful, a team has to have an effective running game. I'm not convinced that this is always the case. There is a lot more to it than that.

As an example, let's look at a game from 2009, Week 2's matchup at the Titans. The Texans won this game after spotting the Titans something like 21 points and Matt Schaub, he who somehow lacks clutch, threw for about 350 yards and four touchdowns in leading the Texans to victory. Check out the highlights and you'll see several long pass plays (and one brilliant short yardage touchdown) that come from play action. The kicker? Steve Slaton's numbers were as follows: 17 carries for 34 yards and no touchdowns. Despite the fact that Slaton was ineffective, the Texans were extremely successful using play action.

This leads me to the conclusion that an actual effective running game is not necessarily crucial to successfully using play action. Last year, when we had a running game, we were worse at play action. The reason, in my mind, lies in what happens on the other side of the line of scrimmage.

Even in today's NFL, where quarterbacks are putting up sick numbers with regularity, running the ball is still important. However, despite what many commentators will tell you, running the ball is more important later in games than it is earlier in games. The reason for this is obvious but I will state it for you anyway: it is because running the ball takes time off the clock. In fact, at a certain point in games, eating up the clock is more important than gaining yards because it takes away time for the opposing team to score. So it is possibly more important to run the ball and go three and out than it is to pass the ball three times and make a first down on the third attempt after two incompletions.

Because of this, and because there are situations where defenses know that an offense is more likely to run the ball (for example on third and short in field goal range), how good a run game a team has is not as important as the fact that teams are generally likely to run the ball in a particular situation.

So if the Texans didn't appear as good at play action as they should have last year, what hope do I have that they will be better this year? I'm glad you asked. Let me explain.

I put this down to two primary factors: Rick Dennison being in his second year as offensive coordinator and the emergence of a dynamic, versatile set of tight ends.

As I mentioned above, part of calling play action is situational. You want to do it in circumstances where the opposing defense is expecting you to run. Additionally, you want to find a way for your wide receivers to get separation from their defenders (which is like, duh, something you want them doing on normal pass plays as well). But last year a big part of the problem was that the play action was either long passes or nothing. Given that there didn't appear to be much of an intermediate threat to the play action game, and given that Schaub is not great at extremely deep routes, it isn't hard to see why we weren't so effective at play action.

This year, however, I believe that with a little experience under his belt, Dennison is going to be more savvy about when he uses the play action. Furthermore, with the maturation of James Casey and the return of Owen Daniels to full health, the Texans now have a series of weapons that they can deploy in the play action game to make it more effective. MDC has done a bit of lusting over the possibilities that arise from our talented tight end corps and I'm sure you've all read his posts. The bottom line is, with two tight ends (or more), the offense is in a prime position to go be effective in play action without ever tipping their hand that they are going to do so. If using two tight ends and no halfback is an effective way for the Texans to run the ball and defenses have to key on that, then having one or more tight ends release from a block and run a route is going to give Schaub a great option if 'Dre or JJ isn't open.

Which brings me full circle on routes. Last year, we didn't have a lot of intermediate routes, especially when Daniels was hurt. If you look at the Schaub highlights from the 2009 Titans game, you'll see that he threw play action passes to WRs for long yardage and to TEs for intermediate yardage (and a touchdown). Having a TE block, release and get open out in the flat or underneath gives Schaub another option in addition to his WRs. A guy like Daniels, who is excellent at shedding linebackers in coverage, will make our play action game significantly more effective. He's going to keep safeties honest, which means that our WRs will be able to get open downfield more. He's going to get a lot of first downs because he's going to find himself acres of space to run into. And he's going to make MDC question his marriage vows out of sheer lust.

All in all, good things, wouldn't you agree?

The Cushing Conundrum

tehGrindCrusher — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 18:12:22 -0000

I think we can all agree that a lot of electrons have been spent discussing the qualities of our defensive linemen and outside linebackers. Let's be honest here: outside of Shaun Cody, we have the makings of a stellar set of players in these positions. I'm not going to go on about them because I think we've all seen them in action and discussed them enough, although I reserve the right to make the occasional comment about them anyway.

What I'm going to do is pivot off of MDC's post about Cody and look at someone who will be a big piece of the puzzle, none other than Mr. BRAIN CRUSHING. As noted before, one of the main areas to attack a Wade Phillips defense is the zone behind the NT. Considering that our starting NT as of right now is Shaun Cody, our ILBs are going to have to work very hard to make sure that the opposing team doesn't gash us to death with draws, screens and plain old power runs up the middle.

This puts a lot of responsibility in the hands of DeMeco Ryans, Xavier Adibi, Darryl Sharpton and Brian Cushing. There are question marks surrounding all of these guys. Can Ryans return to his pre-injury form? Can Sharpton improve upon his solid rookie season? Can Adibi play at something higher than a DIII level?

To answer some questions about Cushing, I decided to review every play he made in the Niners game and see if I could project how he would play in the upcoming season. I figured that since the third preseason game is the one that most closely resembles a regular season game, I was most likely to see Cushing play the way he would against Indy on September 11.

The results, after you guys make like Sebastien Foucan and jump with me. (But first, seriously, click on that link. It's sick.)

The first thing I noticed was that, because of the Texans' complete dominance, there weren't really enough plays to go by to judge how well Cushing played. Because of that, I decided to expand my analysis to the New Orleans game. If you buy what the coaching staff has said about Cushing, you would figure that Cushing's play against the Saints wouldn't be quite as good as it was against the Niners because Cushing is still regaining his confidence as a result of the injury he suffered last year. It's a good story, but does it hold up? I couldn't really say, because Cushing and the rest of the defense played so little against the Niners that any answer to that would be mostly wild ass guesses.

First, a couple of general things I noticed. First, Cushing alternates between LILB and RILB depending on the situation. I'm not sure what triggers the position shift, but unlike the outside linebackers who move around on the line after the offense lines up, the linebackers generally don't switch positions; where they line up is set before the offense has aligned itself. Secondly, Cushing spent a whole lot of time playing a fairly flat zone underneath or covering a back out of the backfield and rarely blitzed.

I'm not going to go play-by-play because I want to give a bigger picture view, but I will mention a few specific plays. I'm also going to mix the two opposing teams together an go back and forth between them, because between the two games, Cushing played about three quarters of football. Let's start with the play that MDC pointed out in his piece on Cody.

...Shaun Cody gets hit by the LG and C, and blocked harmlessly out of the play. At the same time, the lead-blocking FB hits Cushing, preventing Cushing from getting penetration at all. ~~Sharpton~~ Adibi (who I misidentified as Sharpton) shooting toward the same gap that Cushing was trying to fill, gets caught up in the wash and can't get there. Pierre Thomas, following his lead block, has no problem getting to the second and third level, and he gains 13 yards before being brought down byKareem Jackson.

Third, Adibi took a terrible angle on his blitz and let himself get blocked out of the play rather than maintaining assignment discipline. I chalk that up to being overly excited on the first play of the game, so it's much, much less of a worry in my book.

...

...Cushing has got to fight through lead blocks more effectively. He almost seemed surprised to get popped by the FB on this play --- the hit stood Cushing up and the play just went right by him. At the same time, this is related to the Cody problem; when he gets blocked out of the play from the snap, the hole through A-gap is so wide, it could be a Kardashian. On top of which, if the NT were getting penetration, the timing of the play and the efficacy of the lead block would be altered.

I think MDC is pretty accurate here, but of the three things that went wrong on this play, Cushing's is in my opinion the third-worst. Cushing held his blocker up (you could hear the collision on the commentary) but because Cody got pushed out of the play with ease and Adibi ended up going to the wrong place, the play went for big yards. If Adibi gets to the right gap, the play goes for a few yards, probably less than five. If Cody manages to draw a double team or at least hold the point of attack, Cushing gets to the gap earlier and it isn't, as MDC put it, Kardashian-sized. Nonetheless, I can't help but get the feeling that the Cushing of 2009 sheds that block like bfd sheds eczema flakes and gets a hold of the ballcarrier. So mark one down in the "not so good" column.

However, I only noticed one other play where Cushing had a problem with a blocker, and unfortunately, he got pancaked very bad. Embarrassingly bad. Every other time he had to take a blocker on, Cushing either held the blocker up at the point of attack, closing a running lane, or shed the blocker and made a tackle. As I said above, though, I think the Cushing of 2009 sheds a few more of those blocks. I don't think he's been bad at taking on blockers by any means, but I do think he could improve.

Coverage...I give Cushing an incomplete here because I don't recall quarterbacks ever targeting him. This is curious because it would seem that he would be targeted at least occasionally, considering he's not known to be great in coverage, but for some reason, QBs never really looked his way. It could be that the presence of J.J. Watt in the interior and the pass rush kept QBslooking outside, or it could be that the presence of Kareem Jackson did the same thing. Can't say I'm too sure, but when someone came through Cushing's zone, he generally stuck with them pretty well.

Pursuit and tackling...I must say I was impressed with Cushing's pursuit. One play stands out, against the Niners. The Niners ran a stretch zone right and Adibi was playing RILB with Cushing at LILB - this was a few plays before Mario hurdled the running back and Barwin got flagged with a completely ludicrous roughing call. The play moved to the defense's left and Cushing and Adibi both drifted with the play. The San Francisco running back cut back across the field through a gap left because Mario gave up outside contain. Cushing and Adibi got caught wrong-footed going to the other side of the field. Even though the play went to Adibi's side of the field, Cushing closed down the running back and got there in time to make the tackle, beating out Adibi. Of course, the running back dragged Cushing another 3-4 yards, which is pretty normal for Cushing (unfortunately). But it was encouraging to see Cushing close on the ball carrier like that.

Blitzing: Related to closing speed above, this is something that gives me real hope about Cushing this season. We all know that Phillips hasn't called a whole lot of blitzes this preseason, and it is something of an article of faith that he will dial up a few (hopefully a lot) more in the regular season. The few times that Cushing blitzed I thought he was impressive. Against the Saints, he rattled Brees enough that, even though Cushing didn't get the sack, Brees missed a relatively easy throw into the flat. Hopefully Wade will send Cushing more often, although Cushing is more versatile underneath than Adibi, who is fast but doesn't have great instincts, meaning it might be wiser to send Adibi instead. Or both. Whatevs.

After focusing on Cushing and the first team defense over the last two games, I would say that Cushing has been solid, but not spectacular, so far. If you buy into the idea that he's just getting his confidence back, that he's getting used to a new system, that he has found better masking agents and that Phillips is not really showing how he's going to use Cushing, I think you could make a pretty strong case that Cushing is going to have a good season. I would not go so far as to say that he's going to have another monster 2009-type season, but I do think it is fair to expect him to improve over last year's performance.

A few closing thoughts: the more I watch our defense, the more amazed I am when I consider the potential our line and OLBs have. Watt is a beast; the ankle tackle on the running back behind the line of scrimmage against the Niners was a work of art. Smith is going to have his best season in a Texans uniform and Barwin is going to do the same. And please, forget what Pancakes has said (and is now retracting) about Mario. Mario is going to be just fine. In fact, he's going to be a force of nature.

It's a good time to be a Texans fan. And it doesn't even feel weird typing that.

Thinking About A Rookie Wage Scale

tehGrindCrusher — Tue, 28 Jun 2011 17:45:39 -0000

You've all no doubt read that there has been some positive movement of late on the new Collective Bargaining Agreement. Obviously we all hope that the two sides will come to an agreement soon so that the business of the season can start. There are a lot of unknowns right now, but let's assume for one moment that a new CBA will happen.

One thing that seems fairly certain to happen, based on all the reporting I've read as part of a new agreement, is a rookie wage scale. This could have a profound impact on how teams look at the draft. Of course, we won't really know how draft strategy will change until we have a few post-CBA drafts under our belt. But hey, it's the offseason, and a particularly slow one at that. Why not pass the time engaged in idle guessing games about things that may not come to pass?

With that in mind, why don't you all get on your toes and hop with me across the jump? Mindless speculation awaits!

As it stands now, the structure of the draft and the NFL salary system front loads the money early-round draft picks make significantly. A few years ago, a bunch of economists from the University of Chicago did a thorough study of the model and graphed it. You can see the graph below.

It's kinda complicated and hard to interpret, so let me know if you need any help understanding what's going on here.

The upshot of all this is that teams have invested a whole lot of money in the early picks. This has had led to two things happening: teams very rarely trade out of the first few picks in the draft because no one is willing to trade with them; and smart teams (like the Patriots) have traded back to pick up more players for less money.

Let's talk a little about my first point. Take a look at the list of all first overall picks in the draft. You might notice that other than 2001 (when the Falcons traded up for the rights to Mike Vick) and 2004 (the year the Chargers traded the first overall pick to the Giants) you would have to go back to 1983 (Elway going from the Colts to the Broncos) to find the next instance of the top pick getting traded. With few forces limiting the ceiling of the first overall pick's salary, a ton of money gets wrapped up in one player. As a result, the first overall pick carries with it a huge risk and few teams are willing to take that risk unless they have to.

If we do end up seeing a rookie wage scale in the near future, this dynamic could change. If contracts are capped at a certain amount, you're likely to see more teams interested in trading up to higher picks because the financial risk is not as high. Likewise, because there is much stronger limitation on the amount a player's agent can glean from a team, you're less likely to see a JaMarcus Russell-style holdout.

The other change that I think we'll see is kind of related to this. In the past, teams that have traded back have gotten much more value for their pick (value being price/quality) in the late first round through mid third round. The basic theory is that, while the players are better in the top few picks, you can get more players that are almost as good for a whole lot less than, say, the first overall pick. Again, this is related to the almost geometrically higher salaries paid out in the early part of the first round. If a rookie wage scale comes along and flattens this curve out significantly, the smart teams will have less incentive to trade back and more incentive to move forward in the draft. The extent to which they do this really depends on how flat the curve is. If it still looks like the ski jump that is the current situation, there isn't going to be much at all. But if it's more like a bunny slope, then you're going to see the smart teams wheeling and dealing and moving up a lot more.

If you're a draft day junkie, I think you're going to like having a rookie wage scale. Lots more action. Hell, if you're a football fan, you're going to like it because it means that there's a new CBA in place and we can actually dust off our bleach supplies and watch our team again. Let's hope it happens soon.

How I Spent My Offseason, By Roger Goodell

tehGrindCrusher — Mon, 30 May 2011 15:40:29 -0000

I have the dreams every night. The strange thing is, the things I remember the most vividly are the small details. Like what we ate: Ramen Noodles. Every time I see someone eating Ramen Noodles, it reminds me of my dreams in the weirdest ways. I don't want to admit this, but I even went to a psychologist about my dreams. They were that weird. And once I saw the headshrinker, my dreams just got stranger and stranger.

The first time I remember having the dreams was almost thirty years ago, after that car wreck in the Adirondacks. I was working for the Jets back then, as an intern. One nice fall day, I decided to go upstate for some camping with some friends. Unfortunately, I never made it to my destination. I got in a car wreck when someone coming the other direction fell asleep at the wheel and drifted across the center line, crashing head-on into my car. I always thought it was weird that someone would fall asleep at the wheel at ten o'clock in the morning, but you never know with country folk. They do weird things. Hell, Bud Adams called me from the crapper once just to yell at me and ending up falling asleep in mid-sentence with his pants around his ankles.

Anyway, my supposed camping trip ended up with me unconscious in a car on the side of the road. Fortunately, some friendly loggers came across the accident site and took me to the hospital. I don't really remember much about the accident. I was just driving down the road and saw someone in a Ford Pinto come right at me. The next thing I knew, I was coming to in the hospital.

It's after that incident that the dreams began.

At first, they started out pretty tame. I would see visions of people eating Ramen Noodles. I was in a room somewhere with several people. They appeared to be businessmen. I couldn't really make the faces out, although I could see that one of them was really short and looked kind of dorky. I remember thinking he was the kind of nerd that I used to tease when I was in college. He looked kind of like some kind of accountant. He would talk to me in a whiny voice. He left me wanting to kick his ass.

At first, the dreams only came every once in a while. But after time passed, they started to happen more and more often. And the more dreams I had, the more details I could remember. That nerdy guy? I remembered that his name was David. There were other people too, but I didn't really remember their names. I remember them repeating things to me, things that they wanted me to remember.

The years kept on going by. I developed a strange taste for Ramen Noodles. (Except shrimp flavor. Shrimp sucks. I don't see how anyone can eat that shit.) I left the Jets and started working for the NFL. It seemed like my career was charmed. People seemed to trust me and like me. I got promoted fairly quickly and eventually, became commissioner. The dreams went away for a while. Life was good.

But being commissioner is tough. It's a lot of responsibility. I think it was the stress, but the dreams started coming back. Here I was, trying to renegotiate the collective bargaining agreement, and I kept having these weird dreams where I'm eating Ramen Noodles in this shack in the Adirondacks and all these guys, led by some short guy in a suit named David, were talking to me about lockouts. It was bizarre. And the most bizarre thing was that I was certain that I knew the short guy. I'd met him somewhere before.

That's when I decided to get help. I went to a shrink. It didn't work. Hell, I went to a dozen shrinks. That guy that helped Ron Artest? Couldn't do anything about the dreams. Dr. Phil? After one session, he never answered my phone calls. Eventually I went to a hypnotherapist. I was desperate - it was either that or one of those homeopathic doctors that makes you take a coffee enema. And I will not take one of those again, I don't care how much Al Davis swears by them.

It was after I started seeing the hypnotherapist that things really started getting crazy. The dreams got more vivid, not less. And I started remembering more details about them. At first, it was all just a haze of Ramen Noodles and babble, but then I began to remember very specific phrases. Things like, "collective bargaining," "injunction," "longer season" and "extra billion dollars." It was like these guys were predicting that the NFL was going to have a lockout, almost thirty years before it happened!

It just didn't make sense. How could this be? The more I went to the hypnotherapist, the more detail I got from the dreams, the weirder it got and the more I had a craving for noodles.

And then, one day, it all hit me.

I was watching the NBA playoffs on television and the halftime show featured an interview with David Stern, the NBA commissioner. I'll be honest with you, I've never really liked Stern. He's kind of wimpy and he reminds me of the kind of nerdy accountant whose ass I always wanted to kick when I was in college. And his voice is so obnoxious. It's so annoying that I swear I could hear it in my dreams.

And that's when it all came together.

The David in my dreams was David Stern. David Stern. The NBA commissioner. How was that possible? Most people might have the occasional weird dream from time to time. I mean, I had an old girlfriend who used to dream that she was being chased by a tutu-wearing Vince Lombardi who juggled chainsaws and chomped on dill pickles. And I wouldn't be too ashamed if I'd had one dream about David Stern. But for thirty years? You can't imagine my shame. Most guys have dreams about that tall redhead with the big breasts from that show about advertising guys. I get dreams about a short lawyer with lumpy man-boobs from that second-rate sports league.

But how? Was I really drugged up in a room in the Adirondacks with David Stern thirty years ago? Was he really the mastermind behind the lockout? Could he have brainwashed me? I realized something. I have gotten a lot of phone calls from David over the years. At first I thought he was just trying to impress his friends by telling them he knew someone who hung out with Jerry Jones. But after thinking about it, he would call me the most during labor negotiations. And what's weird is that I don't really remember what he was saying a lot of the time. In fact, until I saw the hypnotherapist, I didn't even remember that David called at all.

Now I'm completely stuck. If anyone finds out I've been brainwashed by David Stern, I might get fired, or worse, traded to MLB for Bud Selig. Screw that. I am not going to spend my time changing Derek Jeter's diapers. I do not want to leave the NFL. It's way cooler than those other sports, and every few weeks Bret Favre gets drunk and sends me a text of his wang. Why would I want to leave that? I guess I will just have to play along for now.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm getting a call from David. I have the strangest urge to eat Ramen Noodles all of a sudden...

How I Spent My Offseason, by Roc Carmichael

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 06 May 2011 12:35:50 -0000

Heidegger was a moron. Simple as that. I'm not just talking about his affiliations with National Socialism, although there is plenty of room for agreement on that simple premise. That's not enough, however, for me to classify him as a moron. A lot of otherwise intelligent people got roped into that particular scam, so I'm not going to give him demerits for that.

But Heidegger was still a moron. How could one read Being and Time and come up with the opposite conclusion? Even the most perfunctory treatment must lead the reader to this judgment. I mean, even Husserl noted that the creation of the concept of dasein was primarily a distraction from the essential challenge posed by phenomenology and not much more than a glorified exercise in philosophical anthropology. And don't get me started on the neo-Kantian critique. It's just too trenchant to get into here.

I'm sure you're asking yourself, "What the hell is Carmichael talking about?" Believe me, before the draft I wouldn't have been able to read the passages above, much less interpret them in light of the struggle to place human existence and consciousness in context with one another. But a funny thing happened after the draft. Once the Texans picked me, I realized I needed to get better to have a chance to compete. Also, I got a call from Kareem Jackson. He's tired of being Cushing's glory-hole partner and wanted to fob the job off on someone else. I figured I needed to get smart in a hurry if I was going to convince Harris to do it.

Once Brown and Cushing got busted for roids, the whole attention of the NFL turned to the Texans. There's no way I could have started juicing with everyone and their mother paying attention to what's going on down in Houston. Well, at least I couldn't start juicing my body.

I have to admit, I was pretty scared the first time I called Dr. Mengele. I thought he'd sound like one of those creepy scientists from the movies. Turns out, he sounds pretty normal. That's a good thing, because otherwise I probably would have been too scared to take the stuff that he sold me.

But boy, am I glad I did. Due to the lockout, we're going to have very little time to learn the Texans' playbook. NFL playbooks aren't like college playbooks. They're thicker. A lot thicker. And the coaching staff will find out right away if you replace the last pages of your playbook with pictures of raw steak, like Duane Brown did when he was a rookie. Also, this year the Texans are going to actually have a defensive playbook, as opposed to a Chuck E. Cheese menu like Frank Bush handed out last year.

The way I see it, if I want to have a chance at starting for this defense, I'm going to need something other than a pulse. That might have worked last year, but this year, whoever knows the playbook better will get on the field. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let someone else spoil my shot at walking in Petey Faggins's footsteps.

That's why I called Dr. Mengele.

I'm not going to lie to you. It took some time to get used to the idea of sticking myself in the ass with a needle. But all I could think about was having to do extra "work" with Cushing after workouts. I've heard he only showers once a month. Yuck. And once I gave myself that first injection, I could feel myself getting smarter. I went from having difficulty understanding the rhyme scheme of a limerick to being able to produce a concise analysis of Gravity's Rainbow. And it took just one day.

But there are drawbacks. Do you know how hard it is to listen to Mel Kiper when you can solve second-order partial differential equations during a bowel movement? I'm beginning to worry that, once I receive the Texans playbook, I will find it too prolix. In fact, I'm contemplating secreting a copy of the Upanishads (in Sanskrit, of course) into the playbook itself in case I find it too remedial.

Complicating things no end is the fact that I can't tell anyone what I'm doing. That means I need to continue my Twitter feed in its previous state. Trust me when I tell you that it is a lot harder than it looks to write like an illiterate gypsy on absinthe once you've been enlightened as I have. Fortunately, I have the good example of my esteemed colleague, Mr. Jones. The man is a source of boundless inspiration.

Sadly, it is time for me to take my leave for now. I'm beginning a new investigation into the collected works of Schopenhauer, which I am hopeful I won't find as tedious as the collected ouevre of Heidegger. Hope springs eternal, after all.

What's Next In The NFL Labor Saga

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 18:43:32 -0000

What's Next In The NFL Labor Saga

Advantage: players. A nice rundown from the best author that I've read on this issue, even if he writes for the four-letter.

Tour of Qatar Pics

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 11 Feb 2011 14:15:23 -0000

One of the nice things about being a sports fan in Qatar is that the Qataris pay a lot of money for big-time sporting events that fairly few people attend. This means that the athletes have their guards down around the fans since they're not really swarmed. Since I moved here I've brushed shoulders with Lee Westwood on his way from the 9th to the 10th tees at the Qatar Masters golf tournament, sat five feet away from Greg Gaultier and Karim Darwish during the Doha Classic squash tournament, sat fifteen feet away from Serena Williams at a tennis tournament and walked along the pit row of an unlimited hydroplane boat race.

Today I finally managed to get down to the Tour of Qatar. While my blackberry camera chose to malfunction right when the racers crossed the line, I still managed to get a few other pictures. If I was more of a stalker of a mind to, I probably could have gotten a ton of autographs.

Photos across the jump.

This is the peloton, straining hard to catch the two man breakaway.

via img202.imageshack.us

Talk about access! If I wanted to, I could have stuck out my arm and clotheslined half the peloton. As it was, I settled for this picture.

via img121.imageshack.us

Renshaw taking time to talk to the media. It was pretty clear that he was not used to being the center of attention.

via img62.imageshack.us

I have to say, the beard looks better in person than it does on film. The picture doesn't show it, but that fall he took the other day looked to be pretty gnarly, based on the bandages he had on his leg.

via img148.imageshack.us

Some Belgian guy.

via img201.imageshack.us

Wiggo = tall.

via img710.imageshack.us

Flecha just oozes a vibe that says, "I'm badass."

via img706.imageshack.us

...and the Garvelos, chilling on the corniche. Once they leave, their place will be taken by several Pakistani laborers.

via img585.imageshack.us

An Open Letter to Bob McNair

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 03 Dec 2010 18:14:56 -0000

Dear Bob,

I hope this letter finds you well. How could you not be well? You are, after all, richer than Croesus. The family and I are doing well over here, although my kids are a little frisky of late and have this annoying tendency to blow snot rockets at each other during dinner.

Anyway. Enough small talk. Let's get down to brass tacks here. I didn't really write you to tell you about my kids or how rich you are. I wrote to you because I have this really good idea that just occurred to me that I really want to share with you. It's about your favorite NFL team and mine, the Texans. I really hope you hear me out on this idea, Bob, because I'm sure this idea could really make the team a lot better. Are you ready?

Good. Let's do like Scott Bakula and take a quantum leap across the jump and get to business.

Still with me? Awesome. Ok, Bob, I'm going to let 'er rip. Here's my great idea:

Fire Frank Bush. Right now.

Now I know this may sound radical and I'm sure you're getting a case of the vapors right now, Bob. But it really shouldn't. Here's the thing, Bob. You just extended Gary's contract. He's a decent head coach and a pretty brilliant offensive mind, in my opinion. There are a lot of people out there, myself included, who wouldn't mind it if Gary was shown the door. But I understand, you're committed to him. He's a good man, an honorable man. He has improved this franchise tremendously over the previous coaching and management. So while I would be ok with you shipping him, I understand that you won't.

And we really do have a very good offense, Bob. We truly do. According to some metrics, we have the second best offense in the NFL right now. The second best! That's quite an accomplishment, isn't it?

But.

Bob, we have problems on defense. Serious problems. You remember that site I linked to a few sentences ago? Well, according to those fine gentlemen, we are in the mix to have the worst defense in NFL history. You read that right, Bob. The worst defense in NFL history. Worse than those godawful Bucs teams from like 1969 - 2004. Worse than those Detroit teams that drafted wide receivers like you draft tight ends. Worse than the Texans defense in the early years. Can you believe it, Bob? All those high draft picks, and our defense may not be as good as Alabama's.

Now some people might argue this is due to a lack of talent. I don't agree. It's not like we're getting our talent from the Salvation Army or Goodwill or anything. (Side note: my senior year in college, my roommates and I bought a couch and recliner from Goodwill. It was cheap, but quality!) Hell, we don't even have Petey Faggins anymore (thanks for that, by the way). If talent was all that mattered, we'd probably have an average to slightly below average defense. But we don't. We have a coach who actually makes are players worse. Not just a little bit, but to the point where they may go down as the worst in history.

I know you don't like to change horses in midstream. Your loyalty to your people is truly something to be proud of, and something that separates you from that carpetbagger with the store-bought chin up there in Southern Oklahoma. I manage a fairly small team of people myself, and while we don't play football (although I have a couple of soccer players and one guy who plays cricket) I think it's important to be loyal to your staff. To a point.

However, if one of my staff was so unbelievably negligent at his job that it continually cost our team to the point where we could no longer complete our mission (and who seemed to refuse to learn from his mistakes), I would shitcan the guy with a quickness. Oh, I'd try to be nice about it and all, but at the end of the day, our team (or yours) has a job to accomplish. And if someone has shown that they can't or won't learn how to do their part, they shouldn't be a part of the team.

So, I politely suggest that you fire Frank Bush. Today. You have another nine days or so to prepare for your next opponent. That's enough for your new coach to come in and start turning things around. You know what the kicker is, Bob? The Texans' defense is so laughably bad that you don't have to worry about the new guy making it worse.

Now I know it may be hard to find suitable replacements at this point in the season. I mean, not anyone would want to coach guys like Mario Williams or BRAIN CRUSHING. With that in mind, and because I don't like to offer criticism without some kind of constructive feedback, I have thought about possible replacements for Frank Bush that will do the job better than he has. Take a look, mull it over. I'm sure some of these guys are willing, and they may come cheap to boot.

Ulysses S Grant

Orville Wright

Bruce Lee

Orville Redenbacher

A homeless person

bfd

MDC

Teddy KGB

And that's just off the top of my head! I'm sure with a talented GM like Rick Smith you could come up with even more people.

We've been through a lot together, Bob, haven't we? The euphoria of that first win against the Cowboys, the disappointment of, well, almost everything else. Through it all, though, I think it's fair to say that you have represented the city of Houston with class, distinction and a plateful of gut-churning losses. I know that you'll continue to do so, Bob. But I hope you do it without Frank Bush.

In closing, I'd like to wish you and your family the best that the holiday season has to offer and express my hope that you'll seriously consider my modest proposal. I don't think it's too much to ask, and I think I speak for a lot of us when I say that it's way overdue. May Durga continue to bless you and yours.

Sincerely,

tehGrindCrusher

PS - any way you could shed some light on that rumor about Rhonda getting hammered on eggnog at the holiday party last year and wandering off into a janitor's closet with Matt Turk?

O/T More NFL Smack Talk

tehGrindCrusher — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 13:10:42 -0000

As promised, and as referenced in Swells's earlier fanpost, I'm here to talk some smack. Specifically, my Houston Texans managed to put a good old-fashioned beating on our archrivals, the Tennessee Titans. The Texans won 20-0 and the game wasn't really that close. It was the first shutout by the Texans in six years and only the second in franchise history.

However, I can't really rub it in too much because the Titans were coming off a week of extreme turmoil, losing their crybaby quarterback and - more importantly - discovering that their offensive coordinator had cancer and was to undergo immediate chemotherapy. As a result, the Titans were forced to start a rookie qb, with predictable results.

Nonetheless, after all the disappointments of the last few weeks, I'm thrilled with a victory, especially one over Bud Adams's army of darkness.

Oh, and Cortland Finnegan literally got his ass kicked by Andre Johnson. Deservedly so, imo.

Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson brawl in Texans' 20-0 win (via perakfc123)

Nonetheless, after all the disappointments of the last few weeks, I'm thrilled with a victory, especially one over Bud Adams's army of darkness.

Oh, and Cortland Finnegan literally got his ass kicked by Andre Johnson. Deservedly so, imo.

Cortland Finnegan and Andre Johnson brawl in Texans' 20-0 win (via perakfc123)

Stop Me If You Think That You Have Heard This One Before

tehGrindCrusher — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 17:47:19 -0000

Here we are again. It seems like just last week that I was evaluating Gary Kubiak's performance in light of my analysis from earlier in the season. After last night's game (or this morning's game, if you live in GMT+3 like I do), the calls for his head are rising to the sky like horseflies from the stinking carcass that is the Texans' 2010 campaign.

Exaggeration? Maybe so. In fact, probably so. But it shouldn't be. Gary Kubiak is exactly what his record indicates: a .500 coach. This is clearly a huge improvement over his predecessor, but after five seasons in charge in Houston, I think it's a fair question to ask whether or not Kubiak will ever be more than that. After all, his record after 68 games at Reliant is 34-34. Isn't this enough of a sample size to judge him by?

I know a lot of us are pretty bummed out about this loss, but rather than doing anything rash and heading for the nearest bridge, tall building or freeway overpass, why don't you make your only jump of the day your move across the one below?

I know a few people (such as TexansDC) are more disappointed in this loss than in any in recent memory. I'm not, and that's mostly because I fully expected this. How many times have we seen this before, in this season or in seasons past? Calling the defense sieve-like is an insult to sieves everywhere (and yes, I know that we held Manning, who was playing mostly with backups, to a mere 268 yards, but if this counts as our best defensive performance of the season to date, then it's pretty clear that we have a defense of absurdly shitty proportions on our hands).

Getting a turnover out of this defense is like watching a statue cry--an incredibly beautiful and moving event that almost never happens, and when it does, is more likely the result of divine intervention than good defensive play. Show of hands: How many of you out there watch the defense hoping that we'll get some kind of lucky turnover to stop our opponents' drives because you know our defense can't do it without the kind of help from the gods that usually turns up in Greek mythology?

Ok, sure, the defense sucks. But what about the offense? The offense this year is a strange thing. It is capable of some amazing feats and Matt Schaub, foolish interceptions aside, is an elite quarterback. But in order for us to win, our offense needs to be perfect. Every game. When the defense is busy allowing Matt Cassel to exceed his career quarterback rating by 50 points, you can't afford to have offensive lapses.

The problem, though, is that we do. We have far too many. We've won four games, and with the exception of the season opener, our offense has yet to play two solid halves of football. And with our schedule shaping up to be very tough, our offense is going to have to come up big the rest of the way if we're going to make the playoffs.

This, of course, means a smart game plan by Kubes. Gary, if you're reading this, pay close attention:

If you've scripted out the first fifteen plays of the game, and the first four of those do not involve the league's leading (by DYAR) rusher at all against a porous run d, you may have the wrong script. In fact, scripting plays is probably overrated anyway. Also, Rhonda's rash may or may not be caused by poison ivy like she told you. Just sayin'.

This team simply cannot afford to start off slow in any games. Matt Schaub can't continue to pull rabbits out of Andre Johnson's ass if we want to make the playoffs. If we had, say the Steelers' defense, then we could afford to have the occasional bad series. Hell, if we had the Cardinals' defense, we could afford to do this. But we don't. We have a NCAA D-III defense.

So, what happens now? For all of my criticism of Kubiak, I must admit that while his teams have an amazingly frustrating ability to lay big fat turds, they also have the equally frustrating tendency to rebound from terrible games and go on a tear. It's as though once their backs are up against the wall, they come out firing and win. And that's exactly what this team is going to need to do now. Because this team, especially on the defensive side, will have to win in spite of their coaching. Not because of it.

If we're going to continue to run the same easily exploited defensive schemes, then our defensive linemen are going to have to play with a chip on their shoulder and pressure the quarterback with some consistency. This means that Bob McNair is going to have to get out in the media and question Mario Williams' desire (because Mario himself has admitted that this is the best way to get him to play well). It means that Antonio Smith is going to have to hide Amobi's Miley Cyrus CDs again. It means that someone is going to have to tell Antonio that shaolin has burned and he is going to have to avenge his master. It means that Brian Cushing is going to need ~~better masking agents~~ to get that cockiness that we loved last year back. It means that Troy Nolan needs to put LSD on Eugene Wilson's mouthpiece so he goes crazy and wanders off before game time. You get the idea.

Likewise, if we're going to continue to limit our offense's ability to play with wack play-calling, we're going to have to expect super human feats from Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson and (if he should ever get the ball) Arian Foster. At least on this score, there is hope for optimism.

But ultimately, this team is going to have a bunch of shootouts. We will win some and we will lose some. But the end result is likely to be .500. Just like Gary Kubiak's career.

Taking Stock: Gary Kubiak's Season So Far

tehGrindCrusher — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 17:55:11 -0000

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.

Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

-Kavafy

Before the season started, I wrote a thought-piece on Gary Kubiak that laid out exactly where I hoped Kubiak would lead the team. Back then we were all jonesing for some football. Football season is in full swing now, and we have a pretty decent sample size from which to judge Gary's performance so far, so now is as good a time as any to look at that piece in light of what has happened so far this season and maybe take a stab at what to expect for the remaining ten games.

How about we do some double-dutch and hop across the jump, mmmkay?

Way back in July, I came up with six things I wanted to see Kubes do this season that would move me out of the Fire Kubes camp and onto the I Want To Name All My Kids Kubes (Even The Girls) bandwagon. I'll go ahead and recap them here:

1) Be more hands-on with the defense.

2) Don't be afraid to mix it up.

3) Don't mash square pegs into round holes.

4) Learn how to coach with a sense of urgency today, tomorrow and forever.

5) Beat the Colts and Jags at least once and go Voldemort on the Titans.

6) Stop finding new and cruel ways to lose.

So, how did he do? Let's go down the list:

1) Be more hands-on with the defense. After considering this item for approximately 1.98620897908765 seconds, I have concluded: No. Not just no, but hell-to-the-sweet-droppings-of-Durga no. I think it's fair to say that the only possible, realistic evaluation of this item terms it nothing short of a complete pile of stinking, festering, gangrenous failure. Am I being too mild here? Fortunately for me (and my delicate constitution) this topic has been beaten to death by other members of this board and I will leave it at that. Except to say that our defense makes me feel enough hatred that, if I were a Jedi, I would have joined the dark side and pillaged a thousand planets after watching Matt Cassel put up a passer rating almost 50 points higher than his career average against us. Ok, I'm done now.

2) Don't be afraid to mix it up. As much as I think Kubes failed on number one, I have to give him decent marks on number two, at least on the offensive side of the ball. In fact, perhaps we're guilty of mixing it up too much, such as when we tried consecutive run plays on second and 20 and third and 20 deep within our own territory or tried to throw it on third and two. Nonetheless, we haven't seen nearly as many bizarre decisions in the red zone (i.e., handing the ball to Chris Brown three straight times) and our red zone offense is pretty good as a result. Having Arian Foster helps too, of course, as does having Derrick "Melting Glacier" Ward.

On defense, however, I think we've again failed to do this enough. Defensively we did some good things against the Colts, to the point where Peyton had to burn timeouts to get his play call right. Unfortunately, we kind of fell off after that and resorted to more vanilla schemes. It got so bad that quarterbacks could simply close their eyes and throw a somewhat lofted ball to the soft spot in the zone (you know the one, about fifteen yards downfield right by the sideline) or, in case the receiver headed that direction fell down or had hysterical laughing fits at the thought of being covered by Kareem Jackson, take a deep breath, count to 73, and hit the tight end as he came back from his massage and dragged across the middle of the field.

So, like so many things about this team, I give our offense a good grade and our defense... the finger.

3) Don't mash square pegs into round holes. Other than trying to turn a rookie cornerback into Darrelle Revis or Tim into a Chimay drinker, I suppose we haven't been too bad at this. Oh, except for that one time when we thought that FRANK BUSH COULD ACTUALLY FUNCTION AS A HALFWAY DECENT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR1111!!!!!!!ELEVENTYONE!!11!

4) Learn how to coach with a sense of urgency today, tomorrow and forever. The record shows that the Texans have four wins and two losses. I think it is very clear that of the four wins, three of them came in large part because the Texans came out intense and turned that intensity into focus, with the Oakland win being a function of the fact that the Texans were simply far superior to the Raiders. Two of those victories (Washington and KC) came about because Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson didn't really feel like losing at that particular moment in time and the defense decided to show up just enough to allow the offense to win the game for us. And a certain amount of luck as well.

Our two losses, on the other hand, happened largely because the Texans just didn't show up. So it's fair to say that the team has gotten better at playing with a sense of urgency, but could still stand to improve considerably in this aspect.

5) Beat the Colts and Jags at least once and go Voldemort on the Titans. So far, so good. We'll see what the Monday Night Football game at Indy brings, but I'm not optimistic that we're going to beat Peyton in his house, Dallas Clark or no. Additionally, we cannot take one single division game for granted. It is entirely within the realm of possibility that we lose every single remaining game. You think I'm kidding? The Jags are looking like cellar dwellers yet again, but they swept us last year when they finished last in the division. And Tennessee is looking scary good right about now, what with that ~~cheapshotting~~ gnarly defense, literate (and occasionally sober) quarterback and a wide receiver that apparently can catch passes thrown to him (that kind of wide receiver always seems to give us fits). Good thing their running game sucks, huh? Oh wait...

6) Stop finding new and cruel ways to lose. So far so good on this one. Our two losses have been pretty mild as far as Texans losses go, meaning no puppies in my neighborhood have been kicked, all of our crockery remains intact, and no one has showed up at my house with a straight jacket. I give Gary an A+ for this one.

Where does that leave us? And what the hell is that damn poetry doing at the top of the article?

The point of the poem (full text here) is that the destination is less important than the journey taken to get there. To make it about football, just substitute the words "Super Bowl" for "Ithaca." Now there are some circumstances in which I think this is incorrect. For example, I would take 16-0 and a Super Bowl victory if it meant our offense sucked but our defense was so good that we won each game in a boring 3-0 crapfest. In that context, the destination is more important than the journey.

However, the team that I just described is not your 2010 Houston Texans. As DisplacedTexan put it in a chat last week, this team is a team that is going to give us amazing highs and disturbing lows, and we just have to accept that about them. A team that has the potential to put points on the board in a way that few NFL teams are capable of but that also has the potential to allow a Pop Warner team to score on it. We're not going to dominate many, if any, teams this year. But we will most likely win our share of shootouts because we are fortunate enough to have one of the top quarterbacks in the game throwing the ball to the game's best receiver.

Our defense isn't going to miraculously get better like it did last year once we added Pollard and Cushing came into his own. It's going to vary between being earth-shatteringly sucky to being just plain horrible. And if our offense decides to take the day off, we'll have more games like we did against the Cowboys and Giants. But when our offense decides to dominate, we're going to see more games like we did against the Redskins and Chiefs.

And in the end, when we finish the season, we're either going to be witness to the first Texans playoff team in history or not. I really don't know if the Texans will get there this year (my gut says we won't, but it's been wrong before. By the way, anyone want to buy 1,000 Betamax players?) but I do know that we should never expect them to blow a team out. We should, however, expect them to give us a hell of a ride.

Are y'all strapped in?

Welcome To The Bandwagon

tehGrindCrusher — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 18:13:53 -0000

You may not know this, but your Houston Texans have just run out to the best start in franchise history. Seriously. I mean it. Now that our team has started drinking from the well of awesome, we're bound to have a whole bunch of new fans around these parts. Some of our newfound friends may not know too much about the Texans, and quite a few people may find BRB's unique culture a little hard to understand. With you, the n00by, in mind, I've drafted the following helpful primer on how to act like you've been a fan the whole time. Keep these simple steps in mind the next time you're talking to your friends, and everyone will think you've been in on the deal from Day One.

First off, it is crucial that any author who plans on writing below the jump make some kind of witty play on the word "jump" in the last sentence before the jump. So, let's take the advice of that crowd of people chanting up at the suicidal guy on the window ledge of a building and get ready to...

Ok. Now that we've picked ourselves up off the street and dusted ourselves off, let's start with the basics.

RULE NUMBER ONE - WHEN IN DOUBT, COMPLAIN.

Remember - our franchise has sucked for so long that our mood switches are stuck on "Negative." You simply can't forget this - it's crucial to being a true Texans fan. If you've only ever followed the Texans since they became the all-conquering .500 team of the Kubiak Era, you run the risk of occasionally being pleased with the Texans play. Don't fall into this trap - you will expose yourself as a front-runner.

For example - if our beloved team has just laid waste to, say, a team from the NFC that isn't expected to win more than four games, the following is NOT an appropriate response:

Wow. We looked really good out there today. I think this team has a chance.

This will get you run out of town faster than Marvin Zindler out of a whorehouse. In order to appear authentic, you must say something like:

Dear sweet Durga on a platter! We totally took our foot off the gas and allowed [insert team name here] to hold us to 236 total yards and 17 points in the second half. Not since our last win has a victory seemed more like a defeat.

RULE NUMBER TWO - OPTIMISM IS YOUR ENEMY.

This is closely related to Rule Number One. In fact, I suspect Rule Number One may be some kind of weird Freudian coping mechanism that springs from this rule. One of the many unique things about the Texans is their ability to sense when fan expectations are highest and disappoint. As proof, one need look no further than the Dallas game in Week Three. Or, if you think about it, either of the two Colts games from last year, either of the two Jags games, the Monday Night Football debacle against the Titans, or last year's Cards game. In fact, now that I think about it, not only is optimism your enemy, both Kris and Chris Brown are as well.

If there is one thing the Texans are very good at, it is finding increasingly crueler ways to destroy the feelings of their fans. Taking all of this suffering on while not killing ~~all of~~ your family, friends and co-workers is the true measure of a Texans fan. Want to get some respect for being a Texans fan? Mention that time that Vince Young scrambled 3,956 yards at the end of the game to beat the Texans. That should do the trick.

RULE NUMBER THREE - MAKE FUN OF YOURSELF BEFORE SOMEBODY ELSE DOES.

Have you ever tried to tell someone outside of Houston that you're a Texans fan? Do you like the way you feel when you see the look on their face? That's why, in order to survive as a Texans fan when things were really bad, we turned to alcohol. And when alcohol ceased to be effective, we turned to humor. Acceptable targets for humor include, but are not limited to: David Carr, Darcy Maeda, Seth Wand, Phillip Buchanon, Matt Stevens, Charley Casserley, Dom Capers, the Houston Chronicle (more on this later) and Tony Boselli.

Other acceptable targets include: how funny it is that so many people hated the Cushing pick, Travis Johnson, Anthony Weaver, Petey Faggins, Dunta Robinson, Richard Smith, Frank Bush, Eugene Wilson and Rhonda Kubiak. Basically, anyone is fair game. Except for Ben Tate. You don't want Kerns going Code Red on your ass.

RULE NUMBER FOUR - THOU SHALT NOT LIKE THE CHRONICLE.*

The main reason for this can be summarized by the following four words and one number: Little Dicky Justice, Age 12. For those of you who don't know who he is, consider yourself lucky. For the rest of us, he's a nuisance until you reach the Zen-like state of not giving a shit about him. Little Dicky Justice, Age 12, is a curious case. He manages to somehow lack both writing ability and analytical skill, yet is somehow still employed by the only major newspaper in town. He has a mancrush on Vince Young that makes MDC's mancrush on that Michigan quarterback guy look like pure hatred. Only slightly better (if mass counts for anything) is Pancakes McClain, (un)Official Team Stenographer for your Houston Texans.

*Except for Steph Stradley, Lance Zierlein and occasionally Jerome Solomon.

RULE NUMBER FIVE - NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, VINCE YOUNG SUCKS.

Always and forever. Doesn't matter if he somehow manages to reverse the aging process and win the next 400 Super Bowls, Vince Young will always suck. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron whose opinion is null and void (see Little Dicky Justice, Age 12, above). There are a few reasons for this, and some of them are even factual. For example, he has an IQ of somewhere around 2 (rounding up). And, he plays for the BE-SFs (wondering who they are? If you were a true fan, you'd know!). But most importantly, Vince Young is the messiah to a cult of people who believe that he is so godly that his tears cure cancer and he can walk on water shirtless while drinking Patron straight from the bottle. We call these people Vince Young Fanboys and they still believe, despite all evidence to the contrary, that somehow Vince Young would have been a better pick for the Texans than Mario Williams. These people are worth nothing more than your pity.

Anyway. If you want to be a true fan, you must develop the ability to rationalize away any success VY has. Did he throw for 342 yards, 5 TDs and no interceptions? Well, my grandma could throw for at least 200 with that offensive line. Did he lead his team on a game-winning drive with two minutes left and no timeouts? That's what happens when you have Chris Johnson in the backfield. Did he kick five field goals, net 68 yards punting and perform CPR on a fan in the stands during the two-minute warning? You could too if you had the Titans' defense. Or perhaps it was steroids.

I think this pretty much covers the basics of Texans fandom. Let's turn our attention to this little corner of the internet, mmkay?

A BRIEF GUIDE TO BATTLE RED BLOG, OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE TASTE OF CLOROX.

To the newcomer, I'm sure this little corner of the internet can seem pretty intimidating. Don't worry, gentle reader. With my handy hints, you too can de-lurk and jump right into the fray, sounding like you've been here the whole time.

First and foremost, you must learn the lingo. Don't know what a BE-SF is? Well, you can find out! At some point in the sordid history of this blog, someone took the trouble to catalog a lot of the terms and inside jokes commonly used in these parts. His efforts were so appreciated that a militia of beautiful women scoured the globe, seeking to have his children. World peace became a reality. Statues were erected in his honor in Albania and Lesotho. There were rumors of a Nobel Peace Prize.

But I digress. Before making your mark in this little corner of the internets, first time users should check out the glossary. Live it, learn it, love it. Commit it to memory. Just don't mention that it needs updating because I'm pretty sure the author knows that.

Battle Red Blog had humble beginnings. If I understand correctly, it came into being after Tim and this guy Scott that no one's ever seen got hammered on Zima in the back seat of Scott's Prius. This is how I'm told it happened.

In the early years, there were only seven posters, and three of them were bfd and/or his sock puppets. Eventually Jordann joined. Membership spiked not long after that as people joined, drawn to his thick, luscious hair like moths to a flame.

Eventually BRB snapped up what little blogging talent there is in the Texans blogosphere, adding such ~~hacks~~ writers as bfd, MDC, Rivers, Kerns and TexansDC. Essentially, this left Diehard Chris as the only independent, non-corporate voice in the Texans blogosphere. I understand he's planning on selling out in the fall of 2012.

Another thing to know is that this blog exists in a big city called SBNation. Inside that city, there's a little neighborhood called the AFC South. Let me tell you a little bit about our neighborhood.

Imagine if you will a large house. The front and backyard are immaculately maintained with exotic plants and tree sculptures. The house is huge but, oddly enough, there aren't a lot of people inside, which is a shame, because the interior looks like someone spent a lot of time on it. A playlist consisting of Gloria Gaynor, Judy Garland, Barbra Streisand, Cher and Lady Gaga plays on repeat. Outside the house a horde of angry people are shouting at the owner, who pretends not to notice but when he thinks nobody is looking, he sobs and sobs until "I Will Survive" comes on the speakers. This is Stampede Blue, our local Indianapolis Colts blog. We have lots of ex-Stampede Blue people kicking around these parts and they're good folk.

Now imagine a house, more of a shack, really. The owners seem cool enough, but the people that are inside the house are kinda strange. On the one hand, they can barely read. They try to be clever, but they can't really get it down due to poor grammar, punctuation and questionable logic skills. They're kind of touchy and they really don't talk to us very much. Also, everyone has the worst teeth for some odd reason. This is Music City Miracles, the SBNation Titans affiliate.

And finally, we come to a house that seems filled with cool people who are easy to get along with. There's not a lot of them, and they're not a particularly confident bunch. Every few minutes they look outside the house to see if any moving vans are coming towards them. Nonetheless, they're pretty decent folk. They might talk a little smack, but it's all in good fun and they take it as well as they give it. Welcome to Big Cat Country, a blog for all things Jacksonville Jaguars. Enjoy them while they're here, because they may not be for long.

I think that pretty much wraps it up. Follow the guidelines I've outlined here and you'll at least be able to convince your friends and co-workers that you've always been there for the Texans. Just don't forget to burn that Vince Young jersey in your closet.

Matt Schaub Is Intangibly Awesome But Lacks A Guardian Ninja

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 17:33:17 -0000

I think it's great that teh Schaub is getting more recognition. I mean, the guy deserves it. In my mind, there's no doubt that he was a significant upgrade over Zoolander from the moment he stepped on the field. Do you know how I know? Because in his first game as a Texans starter, he managed to find Andre Johnson for a 77-yard touchdown pass. It was, at the time, the longest pass play of 'Dre's career. I'm not sure if David Carr could even see 77 yards. It sure didn't seem like it.

So you can imagine my frustration when, given that it was completely obvious that Schaub was going to be good, people somehow started coming up with the lamest ways of criticizing him. Now, I will allow that there are some valid criticisms of teh Schaub. Off the top of my head, I can think of two: He has a tendency to throw completely unnecessary interceptions from time to time and he could be better at moving around in the pocket.

But there are two other criticisms of teh Schaub that drive me completely, utterly insane. The first one is the old cherry that he is injury-prone and, because he has missed time due to injuries, he is soft. I find this amazing, considering that Schaub's injuries have all come from hits that resulted in fines. Like it's a sign of weakness that Jared Allen throws himself into your knee after the play is over. Right.

Fortunately, Matt Schaub put this criticism to rest last year when he played through the entire season and shrugged off some injuries in the process. The Redskins put him on the turf five times last time out and hurried him a bunch more; Schaub's reaction was to channel his inner berserker and throw for a few yards short of 500. What a wuss.

What could possibly infuriate me more than this criticism? Skip with me across the jump to find out.

Even worse than the he-is-soft chestnut, however, is the idea that Schaub lacks intangibles. Do me a favor, friends. The next time you hear someone say that so-and-so lacks intangibles, take the palm of your hand and ram it into their nose. They are stupid and need to be eliminated from the gene pool.*

First of all, let's talk about intangibles, shall we? Intangibles are things that, by definition, can't be measured. I hope you can all see the obvious problem with the charge that someone lacks intangibles. If you can't measure them, how on earth do you know who has them and who doesn't? In fact, how on earth do you know what they are in the first place? You don't and you can't.

In fact, you can make up all kinds of shit that doesn't exist, call it an "intangible," and claim that someone has it. A fifteen-foot tall rhesus monkey made of mind bullets can't be measured, so it's intangible. How do we know teh Schaub doesn't have one of those following him around? It sure looks to me like he might have one. But that's nothing compared to Tom Brady. That lucky bastard has a giant six-armed chainsaw-juggling ninja made out of thought energy from Proxima Centauri balancing on one foot on top of his head. With intangibles like that, it's no wonder he's won 73 Super Bowls.

I think when people talk about intangibles, what they really mean are leadership, poise, clutchiness and the ability to emanate a god-like aura when everyone else around you is turning into jelly because ~~mutant rabbits from the planet Visigoth are invading~~ the team is in a tough position. Well, that's great and all, but does that apply to Schaub?

Since we're talking about a concept that is complete bullshit anyway, I'm going to establish an argument that is arbitrary and easily defeated in order to prove my point. Yes, I'm going to engage in one of my favorite pastimes, the destruction of a straw man.

First of all, I do believe that leadership exists. And I suppose it is hypothetically possible that being clutch, as such, exists as well. However, I don't think there is any adequate way that we can determine who has leadership and who doesn't, and we certainly can't come to any consensus on what is a clutch situation and what isn't.

But, since I'm in the process of creating my straw man, I'm going to try anyway. Let's use what I like to call the "Elway Quotient," which is a term I just made up about two minutes ago. The Elway Quotient is nothing more than the number of times a quarterback has led his team on a game-winning drive or fourth quarter comeback, divided by one, because if I remember math correctly, in order for something to be a quotient, it has to be divided by something.

Anyway...according to Pro Football Reference Matt Schaub has, in his time in Houston, compiled a record of 21-19-0. Additionally, according to the same site, Schaub has led his team on seven fourth-quarter comebacks and/or game-winning drives but the site hasn't been updated to include the Washington game, so his Elway Quotient is eight (don't forget to divide by one).

And let's remember that not all game-winning drives are created equal. For example, a quarterback could lead a team on a game-winning drive that scored the final points of the game in the third quarter and watch his defense shut the other team out for the rest of the game. That's not the same as bringing a team back with no timeouts and 1:53 left on the clock.

With that in mind, let's take stock of some of teh Schaub's more memorable comebacks:

-at Green Bay, 2008. Schaub throws for over 400 yards in the bone-chilling cold and brings his team downfield. Kris Brown has yet to discover that he sucks and wins the game for us.

-Miami, 2008. Schaub, with the assistance of 'Dre and KW, somehow temporarily alters the space time continuum and manages to score on a QB sneak with no timeouts left, probably saving his (and Kubiak's) Houston career.

-New England, 2009. The Texans trail 27-13 in the fourth before Schaub solves the mystery of cold fusion while leading the Texans to 21 straight points and the W.

And, of course, last week in Washington.

Sounds good, right? Well, there's more.

This stat doesn't count drives where Schaub brought his team back, only to lose in overtime, and it doesn't take into account the "K/CHris Brown Effect," which is another name I made up for what happens when a factor completely out of Schaub's control causes his team to lose even though Schaub moved heaven and earth to put them in a position to go to overtime. Want to take an unpleasant trip down memory lane, boys and girls? Alright, hold your breath and let's get this over with.

Since 2008, teh Schaub was victimized by the K/Chris Brown Effect in the following games:

In 2008: at Jacksonville (Schaub leads his team on a game-tying drive with as time expires, only to lose the toss and the game in overtime)

In 2009: at Arizona (Chris Brown ftl)

at Indianapolis (Kris Brown this time around)

home to Tennessee (thanks again, Kris!)

Note that I'm not including the Chris Brown halfback pass game at Jacksonville. But that's four more games where you could argue that Schaub was pretty clutch but was denied a chance at victory by either dumb luck or someone else's supposed lack of clutchiness.

All of which is to say that there are plenty of good ways to refute the insanely stupid argument that Matt Schaub somehow doesn't perform well in the clutch.

Q.E.D.

*Don't actually do this. Just note that they are unenlightened and feel sorry for them. Or carry around a printed version of this article and show it to them. Your call.

Xavier Adibi Needs To Be Big Time (And Frank Bush Needs To Bring The Horse Relish)

tehGrindCrusher — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 16:06:01 -0000

This weekend the Texans are going to be facing a team in transition. A team that is learning to adapt to a new coach and philosophy on both sides of the ball. On offense, the key will be how our o-line handles a 3-4 front, something that has troubled the team in the past (although usually because of a stud NT; who knows how Fat Albert is going to play).

On defense, however, I'm guessing we're going to use a lot less nickel and therefore we're going to see three linebackers on the field most of the time. That means that Xavier Adibi is going to be on the field a lot. Does this fill you with dread? I have to admit that it kinda makes me a bit nervous.

Let's talk about how I think the Texans should handle Adibi after David Lee Roth makes us jump.

The way I see it, the Redskins' offense has two or three threats the Texans will have to focus on (which is nice in comparison to the four or five threats the Colts have). One of them is Donovan McNabb, who can make plays with his arm and his legs. Another one is Clinton Portis, hero of free speech. And the third is tight end and amateur nude model Chris Cooley. Cooley, who averages 11 yards per catch over his career, may not be Dallas Clark, but he's a pretty good imitation. I expect Cooley is going to line up as an h-back a lot, meaning both the Sam and the Will are going to see him on their side of the field.

Adibi, as we all know, hasn't really been injury-free and/or in the coaches' good graces since he was drafted. He saw significant playing time in the preseason (though not as much as Cushing, for some unknown reason) and - despite what the announcers seemed to think - was pretty inconsistent. The book on Adibi was that he was undersized but had good speed. He's put on a little bit of weight this season, but he doesn't have a lot of playing time under his belt.

Considering the strengths of the Redskins' offense, I expect our linebackers are going to be tested in this game more than any other defensive unit. Obviously Ryans is going to continue to be a beast and Diles is going to go on being the BEST. SEVENTH. ROUND. PICK. IN. TEXANS. HISTORY. But Adibi is clearly the big question mark.

So, if you're Frank Bush, what do you do? Now that you've discovered that you're not allergic to ketchup, how about a little relish? I'm a big believer that controlled aggression can hide a team's weaknesses long enough to keep the other team from exploiting them. I'd like to see more of that. As has been documented many times over, Bush's defense did a good job confusing Manning at certain key times. Jesse Nading standing up and hovering in the A-gap? Let's do it. Dropping a lineman back into coverage and having Amoeba (or EMFM if Amoeba pulls up lame) rush from the end position? Now we're talking. Anything to confuse McNabb and keep him off balance. If we can do it to Peyton Manning, we can do it to Donovan McNabb.

Additionally, our pass rush needs to be on its game. It may not be as dominant as it was against the patchwork Colts o-line, but we need to get good pressure on McNabb while keeping him from beating us with his legs. The 'Skins are starting a rookie at left tackle who seemed to play well against DeMarcus Ware last time out, but as TexansDC pointed out, he's going to be facing a different test entirely against Mario Williams. Furthermore, I believe Williams is a better pass rusher at left defensive end, and I expect to see him take quite a few snaps at that position.

In the secondary, I fully expect our unit to play the same: Keep everything in front of you and don't get beat deep. However, since the 'Skins don't have the receiving corps that the Colts do, I'd like to see us sneak in more than a few corner and/or safety blitzes. I mean, we have Bernard Pollard on our team. Let's put him to use.

Ultimately I think we're going to win this game. But to do so, we're going to need to make sure that Adibi isn't hung out to dry. So for me, Adibi is the key player in this game.

What do you think, BRB? Do you think Frank Bush is going to throw some relish on that hot dog?

Amobi Eats Colts - I Have Proof

tehGrindCrusher — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 18:44:51 -0000

If you want to see how good Amobi looked, John over at Texans Bull Blog has taken the trouble to show us. He's highlighted several plays that highlight just how good Amobi can be. Sure, he was going up against a line that was held together with duct tape and bailing wire, but his burst was so quick at times that I don't think it would have mattered. If he gets out of his stance that quickly, any o-lineman in the league is going to have his hands full with Amoeba. On two of these plays, you have to rewind a few times just to prove to yourself that he wasn't offside - he was that quick.

Tip of the cap to Texans Bull Blog for putting this together.

Colts @ Texans Insta-Analysis: Texans Rain Hellfire Down on Colts

tehGrindCrusher — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 20:12:25 -0000

Well, that was something, wasn't it?

Before I go on to do my quick-and-dirty analysis, I'd like to give a shout out to Peyton Manning. He is an absolute wizard on the football field, and if he didn't play for the Colts, we'd all be talking about how amazing he is.

Now then. On to the game.

If I had told you before this game that the magic crystal ball had revealed that Manning would throw for 400+ yards and three scores while teh Schaub only went for 107 (with Dre only going for 33 yards) I'm sure you would have rolled your eyes and said something like, "f&^%ing Texans" or "fire Kubiak" or something like that.

Funny how things turn out sometimes, innit?

Let the Daddy Mack take you across the jump.

Let me be clear about this. The Texans just fuckstomped the Colts. Badly. If it weren't for Peyton Manning, the Colts might not have scored a single point. I don't know if any other qb in the league could have put up those kinds of numbers in the face of that kind of heat.

To start with, the Texans dominated the line of scrimmage. On both sides of the ball. Maybe it was a little more apparent on the offensive side of the ball, but make no mistake, our defensive line showed up bigger than sixteen-year old's junk on a nude beach. They managed to harass Manning all day long, forcing him to throw from uncomfortable angles and they hit him a bunch. Mario had a huge game and has now sacked Manning more than any other person in the history of mankind. Shame we didn't draft Reggie Bush, huh?

Give Amobi credit where it is due as well - he didn't notch any sacks, but he got upfield in a hurry and (without doing a detailed analysis) he seemed pretty good in the run game as well.

Kareem Jackson played a pretty good game, considering it was his first pro start and he was facing one of the best quarterbacks in history. Zack Diles and DeMeco Ryans were solid, although I still worry about people trying to make too many arm tackles back there. For now, those of us who doubted Bill Kollar and Frank Bush (a group in which I include myself) have been served a pretty steamy dose of shut-the-hell-up.

And Kubiak? Oh, Kubiak. Even a skeptic like myself must give you credit for doing things like calling time out when it looked like the Colts might sneak an onside kick to Viniateri. So I'll lay off you today Gary, like I laid off your momma the other night. Burn!

On offense, what can I say? Perhaps our o-line isn't as bad as we thought. The Colts' d-line just walked into a back-alley mugging and came out stripped down to their boxers and with ladies makeup on. Perhaps also, a few key subtractions (Alex Gibbs, Steve Slaton, Kasey Studdard) and a few key additions (Rick Dennison, Socrates the Pterodactyl) make for a big difference. It also didn't hurt that ~~Glass Joe~~ ~~Barbaro~~ Bob Sanders didn't play much, but still. This is a very good professional football team (that, according to Colts partisans, was as healthy as it has ever been) that just got beaten upside the head with an eight ball in a sock to the point where it gave up. That's right. The defending AFC champs, Super Bowl runners-up, just gave up. Because they got the ever-living shit kicked out of them. By the Texans. The Houston Texans.

Let that sink in for a while, sports fans.

Really, I can only think of three drawbacks to this game:

-AJ and Jacoby dropped some balls.

-Matt Schaub with another stupid pick.

-Connor Barwin's injury.

But don't let that get you down, friends. Our boys did something they've always threatened to do but never really managed to pull off. They beat the tar out of a very good team.

This is going to be a fun season to watch, y'all.

In Which I Slay A Straw Man

tehGrindCrusher — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 19:13:20 -0000

Or: Momentum Is Crap.

My fellow ~~degenerates~~ Texans fans, tonight I'd like to piggyback on bfd's post about the meaningfulness (or meaninglessness) of the preseason. In fact, I might have actually written mine before he did, but I was trying to get the kid to sleep and "Star Trek" was on the TV and well, the next thing you know it's kinda late and that rat bastard has snuck one in right under my nose. Jerk.

Anywho...today the imponderable I'd like to ponder is the notion of momentum. You hear this term a lot in sports. Like many other terms that sports media and fans like to throw around (intangibles and clutch come to mind) the definition of momentum tends to be somewhat fluid, probably, I suspect, to better fit whatever point the speaker is trying to make at the time.

If a team wins a couple of games in a row, they have momentum. If a team wins all four of its preseason games, some might say it is carrying a certain amount of momentum into the regular season. Except, of course, until they lose. Momentum might be a great way to describe, say, a bowling ball rolling at an object, but it's probably not a good way to describe the behavior of a complex organism such as a football team as it bounces its way through the season. Once the bowling ball runs out of momentum, it just stops and sits there.

A football team, on the other hand, has momentum until it doesn't. And then it does again until it doesn't again. Witness your 2009 Houston Texans. Or your 2008 Houston Texans. These teams won a bunch in a row and lost a bunch in a row. Or they lost a bunch and then won a bunch. Either way, the Texans (being a multi-faceted collection of human beings) had the ability to change course and go from winning to losing and vice-versa whereas a bowling ball (being an inanimate object propelled by another force) just stops and sits there like Tim when he finally makes it to bed after a six-day Zima and "iCarly" marathon.

All of which brings me to my main critique about the concept of momentum as applied to professional sports. Sports teams are not inanimate objects. They are intricate organisms. The coaches and athletes are paid to be the best they can. I submit that every professional in any field, be it sports or not, is capable of putting a bad day or performance behind them because no matter what, they're coming back to the same environment the next day to do it again. Repeat this hundreds of times over and a lot of the nerves and anxiety that might cause poor performance are worked away. So it is for professional athletes as well.

All of this is a roundabout way of pondering the same issues that bfd does in his post. Because, while I believe that the effects of momentum are way overrated, I can think of some examples of recent Texans history that might disprove that. I'm thinking specifically here of the 2008 season. Those of you who haven't drank the memory away might recall that we lost the last two games of the preseason and then went on to lose the next four games of the regular season, capped off by the infamous Rosencopter game against the Colts.

Was this a case of a lack of momentum from the preseason affecting our regular season play? I'd be more inclined to suggest that the preseason revealed a series of weaknesses within the team that the regular season exposed. If you go back and look at the write-ups of the preseason game against the Cowboys, you'll read some things that would, by the end of the season, sound very familiar, especially on the defensive side of the ball. Specifically, you'll read that Marion Jones gained yards at will and that Tony Romo had enough time to discuss his favorite Tom of Finland book with his offensive line before completing one of his many passes. On offense, teh Schaub was teh mediocre.

In other words, the weaknesses we saw against the Cowboys came back to hurt us in the first four games of the season. The offense eventually got on track but the defense didn't until four games into the following season.

So. While the actual winner of this weekend's game doesn't matter, what matters is how well our team addresses the glaring weaknesses we saw against the Saints. I think bfd has pretty much nailed the concerns, although I'm not quite as pessimistic as he is. But if our first team defense doesn't at least battle the Cowboys' first team offense to a draw, I think we will be looking at some serious question marks going into that first game against Fivehead.