I can’t take it anymore. Jason I love you man, but these last second, cliff hanging, do or die, mind numbing, sharp stick in the eye, call in sick to work the next day games have got to stop!

I thought I was a strong willed man. But your Cowboy games this year have proved otherwise. I am a mess right now. I can’t watch ESPN, NFL Network or Fox Sports Net anymore and endure more of their Cowboys/Romo/Jerry Jones/Rob Ryan/Jason Garrett bashing. Forget about reading CNNSI, Yahoo sports, Pro football talk. More of the same. My only solace is BTB and its 12 step program. My name is thepainster and I am a Cowboyaholic.

But there is hope. It came to me last night like an epiphany during another one of my ice the kicker nightmares. In the immortal words of our great tuna: YOUR ARE WHAT YOU ARE.

I am sure you are asking yourself, "But what the heck does this have to do with anything?" Well let me try to explain my reasoning if I may.

Lets face it, our defense sucks. I don’t mean that in a bad way (well actually I do) I really like these guys and I love "the dude". But there is no way we can rely on these guys anymore and expect them to win games for us. It ain’t going to happen. How many more dropped pick sixes, offsides, wide open receivers, no QB pressure, is it going to take for you to see the light?

Our special teams are Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. We have no explosive kick returner, our punt returns are average at best, Matt Mcbrier is brilliant most of the time, but is suffering from "drop foot"(whatever the heck that is). Without the emergence of Dan Bailey this season, we would be in second place in the "Suck for Luck" contest. And now we have ice the kicker issues. Oy vey!

On the other side of the coin, our offense has shown it can put up points. When it is clicking on all cylinders, we can score with the best of teams. And except for Demarco Murray, it looks like we have most of our weapons back for the stretch run.

This is who we are. A team that can put up points with an explosive offense at times with adequate special teams that can steal a game every now and then. But we have a defense that is like a leaky boat. It may get you to the other side every now and then, but you better be bailing quickly and have your life jackets on.

However, being the glass half full guy that I am, I like where we are. I think this is life in the NFL these days. Every team has its flaws. Look at New England. Their defense REALLY sucks. It is worse than ours. But so what? They are 10-3 right now and have won their last 5. Why? It is pretty simple. They score more points than the other team. And why not? They have one of the best quarterbacks to ever play the game. Belichick knows this and they take advantage of it. They put the pedal to the metal and never let up.

The Packers have the best offense in the NFL right now. Rodgers is putting up insane numbers. But is their defense that good? Not really. They don’t have to be. They are almost always playing with a lead. Most of the time a BIG lead. The opposing teams know they have to score a lot of points which causes them to panic and abandon carefully drafted offensive games plans early in games. The result is opportunistic defensive turnovers by the Packers average defense.

The Saints are another team that fits this model. Remember their Super Bowl season and that fantastic defense they had? I rest my case.

So what does all this mean? It is quite simply really. Please Mr Garrett. I’m begging you, UNLEASH THE HOUNDS! Play every offensive down of every second of every remaining game like it is the last seconds of the Super Bowl.

It starts with the coin toss. Defer to kick off? Are you kidding me! Always take the ball, always. And then try to jam it down their throats! Would it hurt you to start off with a no huddle offense every now and then? Romo is pretty good at it.

Open up your play book. How about a flea flicker or halfback pass? Go for the jugular. Score as quickly as possible. Demoralize the other team. Make them fear you.

And then when you kick off, forget the touch back. On side kick baby! Everytime all the time. Make this a weapon in your arsenal. What was the most memorable play of the Saints Super Bowl victory? That’s right, the on side kick. Hire the Hanson brothers and put them on the kick off team. That will make them think twice about going for the ball as it descends upon them. And if you happen to lose the ball, so what? Go for the turnover, or let them score quickly. You might as well let them score, as they are going to anyway. This way you get the ball back to your offense so you can score and score again!

Punt on fourth down? I don’t think so. Go for it everywhere, everytime! So what if you come up short and give the ball back to the other team. The defense will get you the ball back quickly, when we let them score.

And when we score don’t even think about extra points, we go for two! If we only make it 51% of the time, we are still ahead of the curve.

I am tired of losing in the last second of a winnable game. With this strategy we will either blow them out or get blown out ourselves. Either way I will be able to get more sleep after the game.

That is all……now where did I leave my meds?

Game show host:  "Hi I’m Monty Hall and welcome to our show….LET’S MAKE A DEAL! I am joined by our beautiful assistant Carol Merrill who will helping with the prizes on our show today."

Carol an extremely endowed brunette takes a bow.

Game show host:  Now let’s go into our studio audience and meet the contestant traders on our show today and play….LET’S MAKE A DEAL! 

Mony Hall walks up the aisle and stops at a row and leans over with the microphone to the first contestant. The contestant is dressed up in a grey hoodie with cut off sleeves. The hoodie has a Patriots logo. 

Game show host: "And here we have our first contestant, what’s your name sir?"

Contestant #1 has a look on his face like he just awoke from a coma. He monatonely  mumbles into the microphone:  "I’d rather not say"

Game show host: "OK, so what brings you to our show today?"

Contestant #1: "Just doing my job."

Game show host:  "And what would that job be?" 

Contestant #1: "I’d rather not say"

Game show host  sheepishly asks: "OK, is there anything you can tell us about yourself?"

Contestant #1: "We just got to get better in all phases of the game."

The show host is getting visibly irritated when the producer talks to him through his ear piece microphone: " Jesus, Monty this guy is a mental case….just get on with the show!"

Game show host: "Ok Mr Hoodie, what do you have to offer us today on LETS MAKE A DEAL!"

At this point contestant #1 points to an extremely large man dressed as a football player sitting in the seat next to him. He suddenly becomes a chatty cathy doll as he  spouts off his career highlights.

Contestant #1: "I’ve got Logan here. Logan has been a great player for us. He was a number one draft pick,  32nd overall, in 2005. He was a first year starter and has not missed a game. He played both left tackle and left guard. He is a two time pro bowler and two time second team all pro.

Game show host: "Holy cow, why do you want to get rid of him?"

Contestant #1: "I’d rather not say" 

Game show host: "OK, what are you looking for Mr Hoodie"

Contestant #1: "We gotta get more pass rush"

Game show host: "Ok Mr Hoodie,  our beautiful Carol Merrril is standing next to Door 1.  Jay Steward tell us what is behind this door and LET’S MAKE A DEAL!" 

Producer talking to Monty again through his ear piece microphone: "We got a problem Monty, Jay slipped on the stage door stairs and tore his ACL. He is out for the season. I got this guy from Dallas as his back up. He goes by JJ"

Game show host: " Seems we are having a little technical difficulties. JJ tell us what you have behind door #1."

Announcer (in southern drawl): " This is Jerry Jones of the Dallas Cowboys. I first all want to say I’m…. uhhh……very excited about……uhhh…… the 2010 football season. I really believe we have……uhhh…..the pieces in place for……uhhh……. a long run in the……uhhh……playoffs this season.  With that being said…..uhhh…..behind door #1, I have….uhhhh……a 2nd year pass rushing outside linebacker from Oregon, Victor Butler."

The Door opens to show the stout linebacker , who waves to the audience. The crowd politely applauds.

Game show host: " Well what do you think Mr. Hoodie?"

Contestant #1: "Mankins is a great player"

Game show host: " Well Butler has the potential to help your pass rush, perhaps if I sweetened the deal with a 7th round draft pick?"

Contestant #1: "Mankins is a great player"

Game show host: "How about Door #1 plus a 6th round draft pick? "

Contestant # 1: "We just got to get better in all phases of the game."

At this point the announcer breaks in.

Announcer: Bill, now I know how much you admire Marion Barber. After that 2008 game in which he…..uhhh…..must have broke twenty tackles in the end zone….uhhh...... to avoid that safety…….uhhh…..you personally sought him out after the game to shake his hand.

Contestant #1: " Marion’s a great player" 

Game show host: " What if we gave you Victor Butler from Door #1 and Marion Barber for Mankins?"

Contestant #1: "We just got to get better in all phases of the game."

Game show host: " I need a decision"

Contestant #1: "OK, I’ll take Butler from Door #1 plus Barber for Mankins."

The audience politely applauds.

Game show host: "Well that sounds like a great trade, both teams should benefit from the deal. But before we go, I want to see if you would consider what’s behind curtain #2 for Butler and Barber? 

Contestant #1: "We just gotta make more plays"

Game show host (starting to get frustrated): " OK, I’ll take that as a yes. Carol show us what’s behind curtain #2."

Carol gestures to curtain #2 and the curtains open to reveal a large trash can. Carol walks over to trash can and grabs the lid and pulls it off. Out of the trash can pops a rather worn out looking football player.

Announcer: "Bill you are now the proud owner of one of my better draft picks. You now have the rights to…….uhhh……Quincy Carter!

Cue the booby prize sound effects.

As we slowly turn the corner on the winter solstice and the days slowly start to lengthen, we are quickly approaching my favorite time of year: NFL PLAYOFFS.  For me this hallowed season has the feel and fervor of a yearly religious celebration culminating on the most reverent of all days, Super Bowl Sunday.  Footballs roasting on an open fire!

 Whilst absorbing all the pre-playoff hysteria this holiday season, I noticed repetitive chanting of one of the most cherished phrases uttered by many a football pontiff and their disciples…..

 WE CONTROL OUR OWN DESTINY! 

 Ah yes, being able to manipulate the fates* has probably been a worthy endeavor since the time of Homer.  I can envision many a general standing before his troops before a big battle and reaching the crescendo of his pre battle speech with this all too familiar battle cry.

 General George S. Patton:  "…..we’ve going to shoot them in the belly. We’re going to rip out their guts out and use them to grease our tank tracks. We are going to go through them like crap through a goose. We are going to control our own destiny!"

 At this point Lt. Dweeb raises his hand and asks the question:  "But General sir, doesn’t destiny by definition mean the predetermined or inevitable course of events? Therefore, the phrase "controlling one’s owns destiny" literally makes no sense."

 General George S. Patton: " Arrest that man!!!!"

 As we all ponder Lt. Dweebs assertation, lets look at some other cherished football clichés and prognosticate some potential future ones.

 HE HAS TO CATCH THE PASS AT IT’S HIGHEST POINT.

It has been many a day since I took my Physics 101 class, but I dare say the highest point of the arc of most medium to deep passes is well beyond the reach of any football player, unless you are superman or rubberman. (Was there a rubberman?) Never the less, I hear this football phrase being uttered constantly by talking heads while reviewing a pass play highlight.  The correct terminology should actually be, "The player needs to time his vertical ascent so that it intersects the trajectory of the football at the point of the players highest altitude along the arc of the trajectory that also is the highest relative to the earth and complete the reception of the football it at this intersection." Somehow I don’t think new substitute phrase will ever reach cliché status.

 WE JUST HAVE TO EXECUTE BETTER.

Rumor has it that this currently all too overused football cliché was first used by the coach of the Texas Department of Corrections Inmate football team after a big loss in the 1st annual Red River Shootout with the McAlester Oklahoma Correctional Institution prison team.  However, the terminology was quickly abandoned by the coaches after the permanent loss of the back up running back, Willie "Crazy Legs" Johnson, after his final appeal was overruled and his sentence was ultimately carried out.

 WE JUST HAVE TO GO OUT AND PLAY 110 percent.

Lets think about this. Per Cent comes from the Latin phrase "per centum" meaning by the hundred. So 100 of 100 or 100 percent is by definition the most you can give. Or does that mean you are actually holding back on the team in the other games where everyone thought your were giving your all, but you actually were not, and now you will, which is about 10% more than everyone saw as what they thought was your maximum output…….ahh forget it ……lets just go out there and play 110 percent!

 WE JUST HAVE TO PLAY THEM ONE GAME AT A TIME.

As opposed to playing them two games at a time? Which by the way is the football equivalent to baseball’s double header I am told.  Actually the football instant double header was conceived (but immediately rejected by the league) by none other the George "Hard Head" Limboski after he was used as the poster child for the introduction of helmets prior to their subsequent adoption.

 HE HAS ALLIGATOR ARMS.

It is not the arms I am most worried about, it is those alligator jaws that scare the H E double hockey sticks out of me! This term gain much more favor and usage than it’s sister term, "He has a kangaroo pouch".

 The wonderful thing about football clichés is that they can pop up anytime from any where.  A lot of them come from football announcers looking for the next cool catch phrase to describe a play, or a locker room interview with a player. But recently coaching press conferences have also yielded some pretty memorable ones. So here is a list of some of newer ones that have recently come on the scene.

 YOU PLAY WIN THE GAME.

Herman Edwards demonstrates his extensive knowledge of football principles and strategies. Except for the Colts, this seems to be a universal concept.

 THEY ARE WHO WE THOUGHT THE WERE, AND WE LET THEM OFF THE HOOK!

This is one of my personal favorites. Coaches and players need to master the use of this cliché as it can cover so many situations. Most everyone, myself included still are not quite sure what it means, which makes it so nebulous as to be unquestionable.

 HE JUST GOT SENT TO THE ASHMA FIELD.

In reality this Jimmy Johnson analogy turned cliché’ is limited to Cowboy fans mostly and has become a euphemism for being cut from the squad.  My feeling is this term may soon be replace by the phrase "He Just Got Folked!"

 HE IS JUST A GUY.

Whew! I was worried for a second he was some alien life form intent on absorbing the whole team and turning it into a pod. Luckily coach just showed me my fears were unfounded.

 WE ARE WHO WE ARE.

I believe this kernel of wisdom was espoused extensively by Bill Parcells on his many travels throughout the league.  On it’s face it is patently obvious, but deep down it coveys a much more varied meaning on many levels….I think.

 Well if you have made it this far in my short expose then perhaps you could add some more football cliché knowledge and wisdom. Also, CONSIDER YOURSELF SUCKED!

 thepainster

 

* the Fates, Classical Mythology. the three goddesses of destiny, known to the Greeks as the Moerae and to the Romans as the Parcae.

 

 

 

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While cycling back and forth between the Yankees-Twins and the Dead Sox-Halos games last night , I happened to run across the replay of the Chiefs-Cowboys game on the NFL network. Once the Yankees polished off the Twins, my focus was supposed to be devoted Sox game. However, the siren song of the NFL network kept drawing me back to view this epic battle fought at Texas Stadium on December 11, 2005.

Through the magic of Alzheimer's, I found myself engaged at my time portal without a clue as to the to the outcome of this classic AFC/NFC clash. This was the middle of the Bill Parcells reign. His battalion was sprinkled with hand picked "Parcells Guys" such Keyshawn, Furguson, Pettiti, Bledsoe, and Glenn. His field generals were Sean Payton and Mike Zimmer. There was a sprinkling of new faces, Witten, Jones, Ware, Barber, Canty and Spears. The scarlet army was headed by Dick Vermeil. It boasted a very good defense and potent offense carried by Trent Green's arm and Larry Johnson's legs.

Back and forth this football ballet unfolded. Much blood was shed on both sides. Drew Bledsoe put on a masterful drive to score a go ahead touchdown with less than 30 seconds left in the game. Following the kick off and two pass plays later, the Chiefs were in position for a forty something yard field goal to win the game. Thank you prevent defense. But the football gods were smiling on our los Vaqueros that day. The field goal attempt was wide right. The ‘boys dodged a bullet and all things were good again in Cowboy land.

Some observations from my 2009 hindsight

• Bledsoe was very sharp that day. His passes were right on target hitting receivers in stride.

• The breakfast special of the day was still Roy Williams on toast.

• The rookie class that day looked awesome, Ware, Canty, and the Barbarian

• Parcells was not afraid to air it out as demonstrated by a flea flicker from Cowboys territory resulting in a touch down.

• Witten was coming into his own as a receiver.

• Keyshawn was good possession receiver and a great downfield blocker.

• Terry Glenn caused KC fits all day long.

The Dallas offense put up 31 points on a very good KC defense. The offense did not seem over complicated. It blocked very well for the run and had success with Jones and Barber. In the passing game there were some breakdowns on blitzes, but Bledsoe was very sharp. He either dumped the ball off to a back or threw to the hot route. One of the reasons he was successful was his accuracy but also he seemed confident in his receivers, in particular Terry Glenn.

Glenn had a great game. He burned KC for a long touchdown pass on the flea flicker. He got open for key first downs while being double teamed. He juked and jived and dove into the end zone for a key touchdown on an end around. Terry Glenn was playing at a pro bowl level and was key to Dallas winning that game.

As I was watching this game and saw the efficiency of this offense moving up and down the field, I could not help but make mental comparisons to our current team.

• They had Tucker, Allen, Gerode, Rivera and Pettiti. We have Adams, Kosier, Gerode, Davis and Columbo. Not a bad trade off.

• They had Jones and Barber, We have a better Jones, the same Barber and another choice in Tashard. (pun intended).

• They had Campbell and Witten. We have Aquaman and Witten.

• They had the good/bad Bledsoe, We have the good/bad Romo

• They had Keyshawn (possession receiver), Glenn (speed receiver) and Crayton. We have Williams, the same Crayton and the Austin/Hurd/Ogletree conglomeration.

Lets face it, Williams is never going to be a stretch the field receiver that puts fear into the opposing defenses that causes them to game plan against him. He is what he is. A good solid big receiver that can make the tough catch or a good block down the field. A valuable cog in a good offensive machine.

Crayton is well, quite frankly, Crayton. He has great hands, plays smart, makes first downs and an occasional big play. He is the perfect number three type receiver. But very seldom is he going to get behind the defense or is a threat to take it to the house.

That leaves us with the Austin/Hurd/Ogletree conglomeration. Austin has the speed and potential, but he never seems to live up to his potential. He makes a drop here or runs a bad route there. Hurd is a great special teams player, but when it comes to a receiver, he is just a guy.

That leaves us with Ogletree, the unknown. In the pre-season he showed flashes of speed, hands, quickness and playmaking ability that only a select few possess. He has the speed to get behind defenses. He has the stick like glue hands most great receivers have. He showed the ability to make the catch and presence of mind to tap the toes to complete the play. He has quickness that can't be taught. This combination of speed, quickness and hands give opposing defenses fits. He has all of the traits that we need as a complimentary receiver to Roy Williams as did Terry Glenn opposite Keyshawn Johnson. I can't help but wonder, can he be our next Terry Glenn?

The only way to answer this question is let him play. With Williams most likely out for the 2009 version of this battle, I think it is time to plant the tree. Ogletree that is. Let's find out if KO can perform on the big stage.

At the beginning of the season I made a bet with my long time Cowboy compadre that Kevin Ogletree would be the number two receiver on the Dallas Cowboys before the end of the year. From what I saw in the pre-season and his history in college he has that "it" factor that you just can't teach. This team is in need of a receiver that can make the opposing defenses play honest , similar to what I saw Terry Glenn do in this 2005 game. I think Kevin Ogletree can be that receiver. It's time to unveil our KO punch. Are you listening Wade?