The truth is that professional cycling is one of the most dangerous sports in the world, and every rider knows that each time he heads to the starting line there's a risk he's going to end up wrecked on the side of the road, with hopefully nothing more than a severe case of "road rash" - Jonathan Vaughters famous quote of "Next time you're in your car going 50 mph, strip down to your underwear and jump out the window.....that's what a bike wreck feels like" comes to mind. Unfortunately, quite often the results are much worse than just sliding around on asphalt in your underwear, with severe injuries and even death occurring far more often than they should.

As the Tour de France progresses from one hideous crash filled stage to the next, coming on the heels of a Giro d'Italia which featured the terribly tragic death of Wouter Weylandt, isn't it time we started to talk about the safety of the guys out there on each stage? If MMA fights regularly featured broken femurs, competitors thrown through barbed wire fences and a fighter who was clearly badly concussed climbing out of a ditch and then finishing the fight after the doctors cleared him anyways, Skip Bayless head would have exploded by now and all we'd hear about was the raw brutality of the sport and how it was a "blood sport". Well, all of those things just happened on the last two stages of the Tour de France - let alone the plethora of other wrecks in the preceding weak leading to broken bones and other serious injuries. Cycling is in danger of becoming a "blood sport", with the TV cameras regularly and repeatedly showing violent wrecks and the bloody aftermaths.

The UCI, ASO, other cycling governing bodies and the various police forces have had no issue relentlessly hunting cyclists over the use of performance enhancing drugs, but there has been very little to no in depth talk about the safety of those riders that are put out there. Fields have swelled in size, the courses have become more and more challenging and technical and the technology has pushed the average speeds of the races higher and higher, and yet there have been no major changes to the course safety precautions since the use of helmets was made mandatory in 2003. Professional cyclists are subject to a myriad of blood, urine and other tests all through the year to keep them safe from themselves, but when they put on their jersey and ride to the start line the race organizers have no issue putting their bodies at far greater risks with far less protection. This is absurd.

The roots of the problem are myriad, with the disdain for rider safety just as much a part of the history of the sport as the use of drugs to numb the pain and increase performance. The early years of the Tour de France are filled with stages of such obscene length and difficulty it's amazing that any human being was able to finish them in time to start the next, with riders regularly heavily abusing various substances to simply survive until the end. This is a sport of suffering and pain, of pushing your body to it's absolute limits and then pushing it a little bit more, but there also has to be a point where the race organizers say that enough is enough and don't put the competitors in positions where there very lives are in danger more than they absolutely must be.

As the sport has grown in popularity, especially on TV, in the past couple of decades we've seen the sizes of the fields swell and the race organizers pushing the limits of the courses to produce more and more dramatic moments on TV. Combine this with a rise in the number of road obstacles added throughout western Europe as part of traffic control exercises and you have a dangerous mix. There's too many people on bicycles going too fast through narrow streets with roundabouts and raised medians for it to be truly safe, and with the very limited use of padding or protective barriers in high risk areas it's a miracle there aren't even more severe injuries. Combine that with the insatiable demand by TV viewers for epic climbs and hair raising descents and you have courses including mountain stages that simply are not safe - too steep, too narrow, the roads in too poor of condition.

Compounding this is the never ending push for speed, often via technological means. Modern racing bicycles have enough carbon fibre and wind tunnel time put into them to nearly qualify as jet fighters, and these advantages multiply as you get faster and faster - meaning that the most dangerous parts of cycling, sprint finishes and mountain descents, have seen the greatest speed increases. I personally have a set of Zipp carbon fiber wheels with toroidal shaped rims and "Aerodynamic Boundry Layer Control". I'm an engineer and I can't explain to you exactly what that means, but basically wheels like these work as an airfoil and dramatically decrease aerodynamic drag. You used to do 65mph downhill? Now you can do 70mph! No matter that 65mph on a glorified goat track down the ridge of one of the Alps was already ridiculously dangerous to begin with, those extra couple of seconds you gain might make the difference between winning and losing, so everybody in the peleton keeps pushing the limits. There's a point where 150 pounds of human being and carbon fiber wonder machine can't keep attached to the road on just millimeters of rubber, but nobody quite knows where that is. Nobody has bothered to really look, or to ask "is this safe"? We just keep pushing the limits and hoping for the best.

I don't know if the answer is adding far more protective barriers to courses, changing course design to avoid high risk areas even if means reducing some money making opportunities, limiting aerodynamic technology to knock the speeds down a little, cutting field sizes by a percentage or some combination of all of the above. But that's the problem, nobody knows these things because nobody has looked at them. 10 years ago NASCAR had their heads in the sand as 3 drivers died in one year, pretending that it was just part of the sport. It took a 4th driver, Dale Earnhart, dying for NASCAR to finally start taking driver safety seriously. I'd hate for that to happen in cycling, Wouter Weylandt's death and this gory Tour de France should be enough to snap everyone out of their malaise and start to address this seriously. I don't want cycling to have it's Earnhardt moment with Alberto Contador or Andy Schleck or Cadel Evans lying shattered on the side of a mountain in remote France or Spain with helicopters hovering above and everyone trying to figure out where everything went wrong.

Continuing what has turned into the "EDSBS Offseason Guide to Alcoholism" - the US really has a pretty limited number of commonly consumed liquors. Whiskey, Whisky, Vodka, Rum, Tequila. That's pretty much it. Yeah sure, there's a lot of other stuff on the liquor stoor back shelf depending on the nationality of the owner ... but who really drinks those?

You, that's who's going to drink those.

You know why? Because people in other parts of the world have been trying to hide the pain of their lives for generations, just like you are seeking to do, our brave liquor store patron. If you are going to descend into the madness of the drinks that your great grandfather cut his teeth on back in the old country though, it helps to go in informed.

 

Baijiu

What it is: Baijiu is the most produced and consumed liquor in the world. In it's most basic form it is a clear tasteless liquor distilled from rice or sorghum in China and bottled at a high proof. Like most liquors it ranges from the high end (such as the ones made in the Maotai region) to the home distilled gut rot - but in general it leans much closer to the very cheap than the very high end. If you want to get very, very drunk and do it very, very fast ... this is what you go for.

Proof: Baijiu is normally bottled at a skull crushing and tongue numbing 100-130 proof

Taste: Rocket Fuel. Baijiu is the Ray Lewis of alcohols - it's not even trying to hide it's intention to rip your fucking head off

Cost: $10+ ... pretty easy to find in the US at any Chinese specialty store or liquor store owned by Chinese

Graphic representation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOGB57Vfa6k

Tailgate application: My friend in college called drinking baijiu "riding the dragon" ... if your team just lost horribly and the idea of daring death by walking the wrong way through traffic sounds like a good idea at the moment, this is the drink for you. Straight up, no ice and there's no reason to ever mix it. Heck, there's no reason to ever pour it into a glass.

 

Advocaat

What it is: Brandy which has been thickened with sugar and egg yolks to the consistency of a runny custard. It's a breakfast or desert liquor generally mixed into cocktails like the bombardino, which will be instantly familiar to anyone who has spent time in the Alps. If you can find the thicker kinds, you can use it as a topping for waffles or filling for crepes at breakfast - a great way to start a morning.

Proof: Generally fairly low proof - 30 to 40. Enough alcohol so you know it's there, but it's not going to leave you wondering why you can't feel your face

Taste: Sweet and custardy, with a bit of brandy. If Hemmingway ate custard, he'd have had his taste like this.

Cost: $15-$20, commonly available at any decent US liquor store

Tailgate application: For 11am "Pam Ward Specials" in Big10 country, make bombardino cocktails with breakfast. Take a coffee cup, fill it 2/3rd with heated advocaat (never boiled, obviously) and then fill the final 1/3 with heavy whipped cream.

 

Pisco

What it is: Pisco is very similar to grappa - a flame throwing grape based liquor made in the wine regions of Chile and Peru. If you happen to meet a native of either of those nations, just agree with them that Pisco really comes from wherever their home is - there's strong feelings about the origins.

Proof: 80-100 proof. There's no point in having firewater without the fire part. Pisco won't disappoint there.

Taste: Alcohol, with a fruity/nutty undertone. Make no mistake though- if you're drinking Pisco straight it's because you want to tilt with windmills and talk to animals later in the night, not because you are sipping your way to a mellow buzz.

Cost: $25-$60 for decent brands. Can be found in areas that cater to South American populations, but probably not widely available in the US.

Tailgate application: On hot afternoons, make pisco sours. 2 parts pisco, 1 part lime juice, 1 part simple syrup and a dash of bitters. Mix with a fresh whipped egg white.

 

Lambanog

What it is: Lambanog is coconut moonshine from the Phillipines. It's actually even worse than that description makes it sound. But never fear, there are many extremely cheap flavored varieties like the bubblegum and peppermint "ORGY" brand in the picture.

Proof: 80-100 proof

Taste: There are some high end lambanog brands that are trying to get a foothold in the LA club scene and the like. Supposedly they are pretty good. I've never had. The stuff that people in the Phillipines actually drink might as well be coconut flavored gasoline - it's fucking awful. And then there's the flavored versions, which taste like 100 proof kool-aid.

Cost: $5 and up. Lambanog is really cheap. Probably difficult to find in the US outside of the west coast.

Tailgate application: Sorority girls and bubblegum flavored alcohol. There's a reason it's named "ORGY".

After Grib gave the blueprint on how to be a functional alcoholic, I figure we have an entire off season to improve our games in preparation for the fall. And what better way to do that than to study the habits of those that have already achieved great success? Paul Johnson and Urban Meyer pick each others brains, Mark Richt and the VT defensive staff consult with each other ... the college football offseason is full of folks learning from each other. If we are to be stars, we should be holding ourselves to the same standards as our coaches.

And honestly, if you look around the globe - who really are the champions in the field of alcohol consumption? There's a few contenders you see every year: Irish, the Nordic countries, the state of Louisiana, etc. But the undisputed all time champions are the Slavs. They come in many forms (Russians, south Slavs, Cossacks, Poles, baltic Slavs and the like) but they all share one thing in common. They can, and will, drink your fucking ass under the table. While you're already to the "freshman girl with everclear/kool-aid punch" stage, they will be cruising along throwing down enough booze to flood Nashville.

How do they do it? Like many advanced skills, it's part practice and part technique:

Whatever you drink, drink it straight. No beer, no sugary mixers and certainly no carbonated sodas. All those do are get you drunk faster and make your hangover much, much worse. Don't shy away from flavored booze, that's perfectly fine if you want something with a different flavor ... just don't mix it with anything. It doesn't matter if it's any of the myriad types of the fruit brandy "rakija" that the south Slavs drink, or the pepper spiced vodkas that the Russians prefer, or the insanely smooth straight grain vodka the Poles make, they are all booze that is designed to be consumed just as it is.

 

 

Pregame. When we in the US think of pregaming, we think of throwing down a few cheap stiff ones before we head out. When Slavs pregame, they throw down some fatty or oily food to help stabilize the stomach an hour or so before the drinking begins. Raw eggs are a favorite in some areas, but sardines or other fatty fish, smoked lard, cheese, fatty sausages and the like are all acceptable. For college football fans, BBQ or brats are quite acceptable alternatives (come to think of it, Wisconsin fans might have already mastered this step). Whatever it is though, make sure it's in your stomach and starting the digestion process BEFORE you start throwing down.

 

 

Stay SAFe with Salt, Acid, and Fat. Once the drinking has started, remember "SAFe". Avoid all sugars and carbs and stick to salts, acids and fats. Have you ever seen Slavic finger food? It's pickled or salted fishes, cheeses, sausages, egg salads, caviar, pickled vegetables, jellied meats and the like. Keep eating regularly. Remember, since you're going with straight booze you have more room in your stomach for food. Like a good running game, it's something you have to stick with over the course of multiple hours. It'll sound sexy to start just chugging from the bottle and skipping bites of food a couple of hours in, but that's a rookie mistake of poor discipline. Keep up a steady diet of SAFe food and you'll be going strong while everyone else is reduced to sad quivering creatures trying to keep vomit out of their own hair.

 

Postgame. Everything you've done to this point has been designed to slow down the body's absorption of alcohol and deliver it into your bloodstream at a steady predictable rate. Make no mistake though, you still put down close to a bottle of pure booze by the time it's all said and done. And if you're going to get up and stand in line for bread the next day, you're going to need some way to prevent a brutal hangover. Hair of the dog early the next morning is really the only way to go. Beer, bloody mary, mimosa, whatever your morning poison of choice is ... it's going to be your friend.

 

After covering the basic techniques - if you really want to spice up a tailgate this year with something interesting, find some rakija. At it's core, it's distilled liquor made from fruit or nuts - often called "fruit brandy" in western europe and the US. Slivovica (plum), kruskovaca (pear), visnjevaca (cherry) and medovaca (honey) are my favorites ... but there's literally an infinite number of flavors. The really good ones can be incredibly dangerous, the fruit flavor masks the lethality of the shot you just put down. Put a bottle of visnjevaca in the middle of a sorority tailgate and come back in an hour to check out the havoc you started. Wineglobe.com sells and ships a number of rakija for cheap prices if you want to experiment.