Hmm, last year about this time there were a good half dozen posts with their predictions for the Twins season. This year, not so much. Well, somebody has to take the plunge.

An unfortunate midseason Twins facial hair craze will lead the 2012 team to be remembered as the Soul Patch Kids.

Luke Hughs and Liam Hendricks will open an Australian Restaurant featuring fresh Minnesota ingredients which will best remembered for its slogan, "Throw another 'pout on the Barbie."

Scott Baker amazes Twins Fans by leading the team in innings pitched. Scandal later erupts when it is revealed that he purchased a new arm and shoulder from Stark Industries.

Joe Mauer will go on the DL with an ice cream headache after chugging an entire Shamrock Shake.

Matt Capps preseason struggles dog him in the regular season causing the failure of a marketing deal with former Viking quarterback Joe Kapp to sell team headwear that will be memorialized in the headline, "Kapp caps Kapp-Capps Caps."

Gardy will throw the bullpen into chaos when he loses his cheat sheet and calls on Eddie Guardado and Joe Nathan to start warming up. After the game, Gardy tells reporters, "Hell, you can't tell me that any of you remember those guys' names either."

A plan to attract female fans by putting out a Twins Swimsuit Calendar flounders when a clerical error puts Bert on the cover instead of Danny Valencia.

Gardy will spend an entire postgame interview praising Jamey Carroll's grit. Carroll's batting average promptly drops 100 points and he starts sliding into first base head first.

Twins pitchers will give up way too many hits, but they strand so many runners on base the Pohlads build a Starbucks on second and a Jimmy Johns on third.

The Society for American Baseball Research will officially replace the Mendoza Line with the Butera Memorial Line.

In an attempt to improve the quality of radio broadcasts, the Twins Radio Network installs a Breathalyzer that will control Dan Gladden's microphone. It isn't reported whether it takes a maximum or minimum BAC level to activate the microphone.

In April, Gardy watches Major League for the first time. Inspired, he buys glasses for the entire pitching staff. The team ERA soars since he didn't bother to get their eyes checked first. The topless Jim Pohlad poster also fails to raise team morale.

In May, Josh Willingham briefly challenges Morneau for the team lead in home runs. Twins marketing starts measuring Willingham for a flannel shirt and blue ox.

In June, Ben Revere becomes the first MLB player ever to score a perfect 10 for his gymnastic routine going from second to third. The White Sox respond by recruiting 13-year-old Romanian girls to play in the outfield.

In July, Justin Morneau will astound the baseball world in his comeback season by swatting 23 home runs to lead the American League at the All Star Break. He wins his second All Star Home Run Derby when Josh Hamilton's arms fall off after hitting 50 homers in the first round.

In August, the good news will be that Francisco Liriano surpassed a record held by Cy Young when he completes his 26th consecutive inning of no-hit baseball. The bad news will be that the streak includes 9 games, 57 walks and 15 runs given up. Gardenhire points to Liriano's ERA of 5.19 during the streak as being "not that bad but we would like him to go a little deeper into games."

In September, a Twins pitcher will develop elbow problems at a critical point in the pennant race. The Twins Training Staff recommends homeopathic eye drops and this neat stuff they found at the pharmacy that was invented by an elementary school teacher.

Despite a year of tumult and stress, the Twins will still be in contention the last week of the season. They sweep the Tigers at Tiger Stadium (see EMERGENCY FACESAVING PREDICTION in the comments) the last week of the season and then coast into the playoffs against Toronto when the entire Blue Jays pitching staff is laid low by a bad batch of poutine.

As always, remember that all predictions are wrong, including this one.

Twas the night before Twinsmas, and all through Twinkie Town

Not a poster was stirring, not even that Clown*

The stockings were hung by the dugout with care

In hopes that Spring Training soon would be there

Twinsgirl was nestled all snug in her bed

While visions of Nineteen danced in her head

With Fischean in her kerchief and Jesse in his cap

We all settled in for a long winter's nap

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter

We all rushed to the dugout to see what was the matter

We looked out to right field and then out to left

But saw nothing at all and all felt bereft

The moon lit the grass of the empty infield

Hinting at secrets it never would yield

Then what to our wondering eyes should appear

A miniature sleigh drawn by men in Twins gear

The little old driver with moves a bit tardy

I knew in a moment it must have been Gardy

Rounding the bases like a triple to right

He called out their names loud into the night

On Mauer and Morneau, on Carroll, Liriano

On Lexi and Blackburn, on Baker, Pavano

To the left field seats, to the top of the wall

To first, second, third and to home above all

The sleigh settled down on the infield grass

"That dome, I must say, was a pain in the ass"

Gardy came dashing down the base line

And slid into home, just for old times

He was dressed in light blue from his hat to his socks

"Authentic throwbacks, now just sixty bucks"

"But where is the bag, overflowing with toys?"

Gardy said to us all, "now listen here boys,"

"I sure don't know what planet you're on,"

"Hasn't anyone here ever used Amazon?"

"I've come here with draft picks, free agents for you"

"All stars and veterans, some MVPs too"

His eyes how they twinkled imagining soon

The team on the field, him calling the tune

His cheeks bulging full of sunflower seeds

Evaluating talent and tending to needs

His smile it grew til it seemed miles wide

Seeing pitches and hits, run quick and now slide!

That infielder's body now running towards fat

You could see his desire to pick up a bat

We started to smile in spite of ourselves

Maybe this year, we'll outplay those evil old elves

The Tigers and Royals and Sox Red and White

Will come to our house and be in for a fight

And even damned Yankees will be in for a start

As our batters step up and take their pitchers apart

Gardy said it was time to head south to the Fort

"Lots of work to be done to succeed in this sport"

So he gave us a smile and raised a glass of good cheer

And leaped in his sleigh with the grace of a deer

Away they all flew just as quick as dart

Blyleven called out that “I 'heart' to fart”

They called as they went, nearly too faint to hear

"Happy Twinsmas to all, and we'll get them next year!"

Continue reading this post »

It seems that everyone in Twins Territory has an offseason plan (with the possible exception of Bill Smith). An alarming number of these include the semimation of the team (it's not what you think, perverts. Decimation is getting rid of one in ten, so if you ship off half the team it would be semimated.) I thought it was only fair that I share my offseason plan.

Continue reading this post »

I try to avoid reading what the Twin Cities papers write about the Twins, since the columnists there seem to have a permanent case of dyspepsia (also know as bellyachin') when it comes to the team. But I did click on links to a couple of Souhan columns recently that seemed to say we'd be better off with the cast of the Bad News Bears than our current roster. That got me to thinking how stumblebums and crybabies have always been a burden on the Twins.

I remember a guy, for example,  who I am sure Souhan would agree couldn't play a lick. For one thing, it seemed like he was out injured every every other year - elbow, hamstring, quad - you name it, he broke, pulled, snapped or strained it. Coming back from these "injuries" was used to excuse his lousy offense. More than once he barely managed to break .200 in May and June. One year, he it just .210 for the entire year! If that wasn't bad enough, he was in the top 10 in the American League in strikesouts eight times and GIDP five times.

We could have handled that kind of failure if he had just been an adequate fielder. The Twins tried him in left field, third base and first base. He was in the top five in errors committed at every position more than once. Obviously the Twins of the 1960s had the same culture of personal loyalty to mediocre players that bedevils the team to this very day. Who was this pathetic journeyman? Check it out after the jump ...

Continue reading this post »

Date: Sometime in October, 2010

If there was a place where evil was a palpable presence, this would be it. Blood red light tinged with a nauseating yellow filled the hall, flickering as if produce by an unquenchable fire. The smells assaulted his senses, acrid brimstone cutting through the undercurrent of stale spilt beer, decaying dome dogs and older, more disturbing odors. A cacophony of industrial growls and hopeless screams was made all the more terrifying by an endless loop of 101 Strings performing Rebecca Black's "Friday."

At the end of the hall was a great wooden desk that seemed eternal and decayed at the same time. In the panels of the desk were carved scenes of humans committing unspeakable acts, including a second baseman blowing an easy pickoff play and Joe West umpiring a professional baseball game. The top of the desk was dominated by a huge red swingline stapler.

The figure behind the desk spoke in a voice that sounded eerily like a bad impression of Hans Conried as the supplicant appeared before him.

"So you've come at last. Of all of them, I never thought it would be you."

"You know why I'm here then?"

"Of course. But you know how it works. You have to tell me what you want. You have to reveal to me the depths of your wanton desire for what you seek."

"It's been my lifelong passion. The one single thing I've always wanted. The one team that I've supported with every breath I take, even before I could walk. They nearly got a taste of winning it all on my first birthday. I was just 13 when they played for the cup again and had it ripped from their fingers at the very last moment."

"Actually, as I recall, they never led in that game …"

"That doesn't matter. It was a game seven. All I know it's been 17 years and more than half my life since we've even sniffed a championship. It's time. They've never hoisted the cup, ever. If it doesn't happen now I may never see it in my lifetime. I have to do this."

"You're willing to drain your own team's mojo and transfer it to another team? You know what happens to a team with no mojo? The Royals gave me 30 years of their mojo for George Brett and Bret Saberhagen. You guys aren't that talented. You've been getting by on mojo for years. You think your fans will will sit still for the worst imaginable performance by an athletic team possibly ever? Think carefully before you answer."

"They'll get over it. We've given them the most successful decade the franchise has seen, ever. We've created a pleasure palace for them to drink themselves stupid in even if the games on the field stink to high heaven …"

"Please, we try not to use that word around here."

"Sorry. But what I am saying, is the fans will come. They'll hate themselves for doing it, but those scandinavians are too cheap to waste a season ticket, even if we are playing like something nasty on the bottom of their shoe."

"Very well. I will start making the arrangements as soon as you sign the contract. All the qualities that have made the Minnesota Twins a premier athletic franchise will be drained from its players for a year and infused into the Vancouver Canucks. There are a few details I will need assistance with. You will have to convince the front office to trade or release Punto."

"Why? Is Nick some sort of divine messenger or something?"

"No, he just bugs the crap out of me when he slides headfirst into first base."

"Me too. Anything else?"

"Well, there is the matter of your eternal soul …"

"You got that for my MVP season and a half."

"Right. Oh yes, you should know that your curse will go along with the team's mojo."

"All the mojo disappears if we play New York or Boston? That shouldn't be a problem. They would both be in the other bracket if they make the playoffs and neither one has made a final in decades. No, I don't see that being a problem. It would take a miracle for either New York or Boston to make the finals."

"Well, miracles aren't my department, remember that. Very well, Mr. Morneau. By June 1 the Canucks should be in the finals and the Twins should be out of the playoffs. Enjoy the season. Both of them."

(First an explanation: For those of you not doddering off to the nursing home, there used to be a thing called "folk music" performed performed by unkempt men and lovely women known as "folk musicians." Today folk music is mainly performed by geezers who show up for pledge drives on public television and Bruce Springsteen. Folk music eschewed things like electricity and rhythm and the songs ranged from silly kids tunes to emo in earth tones.

In order to pretend they had an audience, large groups of folk musicians would attend each others' concerts and since no one else showed up, they'd all start playing together. These gathering were known as hootenannies, for no good reason.)

The Twins were discouraged by a poor start to the 2011 season. With Nick Punto no longer around, there was no one around to spread around grit to stiffen the boyz' spines, gladden their hearts and lift their spirits. Sensing that something urgently needed to be done, Scotty Ullger grabbed his magic banjo and gathered the team for a hootenanny, sure that it would rejuvenate their bats and reverse their fortunes.

The next day, after explaining for the 25th time what a hootenanny was, Ullger got the music rolling with a plaintive ballad of the lonely man behind the plate. (For the two of you who actually like folk music, I put the name of the original tune after the lyrics.)

I dreamed I saw Joe Mauer last night
Much taller than you or me
Said I "Oh Joe you're one for eight"
"Never mind," said he, "I'll still bat .343."

(Joe Hill)

Jovial Joe Mauer took the hint and was the first to get into the spirit of the event and offered a lively tune.

Joe Nathan was a pitcher
Sittin on his mama's knee
Said the ninth inning 'gainst that New York team
is gonna be the death of me lawd lawd
Yankees gonna be the death of me

(John Henry)

Lonesome Ron Gardenhire came in with a song about his managing philosophy.

If I have a shortstop
I'll bat him second
Even if he hits just .109
Cause he will bunt it
Whenever I ask him
Cause playing for one run
is what we call the gritty Twins Way

(If I had a hammer)

LIttle Danny V offered a silly camp song he learned in the boy scouts last month.

Little Justin Morneau
running all the bases
scoring lots of runs
till they bopped him on his head

(Little Bunny Foo Foo)

The newest Minnesota Twin sang plaintively and apologetically.

Hang down your head Nishioka
Hang down your head and cry
You've got to avoid Nick Swisher
He'll get you with a takeout slide

(Tom Dooley)

The entire bullpen picked up their guitars and wailed out this song in unison.

Do you remember Sweet Drew from last year
He caught Pavano and let nobody near
Somebody else caught opening day
Drew says that somebody is going to pay

(Sweet Betsy from Pike)

Cowboy Cuddyer and Down Home Delmon rounded out the evening with this sweet, sad duet.

Oh you take left field
and I'll take right field
and Span will catch ball before us
cause we have the wheels of a broken down Yugo
on the green green grass of Target Field

(Loch Lomond)

(For those of you who think I am hating on folk music, I happen to be one of the oppressed minority of folk music fans. I've just learned to live with and mock the 99 percent of America with deficient taste.)

DicknBert will make the Guinness Book of World Records in August for mispronouncing one name the most different ways when Bert calls the Twins second baseman Sushi Neshak.

Bert will make Baseball Hall of Fame history when he starts his acceptance speech by farting "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

Police will question the Pavstache over anonymous threats made to Mauer's sideburns about "taking hair product endorsements that don't belong to you."

Alexi, Nishi and Morneau will create a new creole language called Span-Can-panese which will immediately be made the primary language of the United Nations.

Thome will mash so many taters, he will provide free lefse for all the underprivileged Norwegians in North Dakota.

Sweet Drew will hit for the cycle, if you count all his appearances as one game. And spot him a triple. And let him borrow one of Thome's taters.

Matt Tolbert will dominate the rock tumbler market for years to come by selling all the grit that LNP left behind.

The Royals and the Nationals will meet in the Minor League World Series.

Bill Smith will engineer a trade bring Cliff Lee, Albert Pujols and the reincarnation of Babe Ruth to the Twins for a box of bats. Twins fans will argue that the bats have a better upside.

Danny V will take advantage of his heart throb image to win David Cassidy's role in a remake of The Partridge Family.

Inspired, Gardy will parlay his looks into a guest shot on Swamp People.

On a national Game of the Week, an analyst will call the Twins outfield one of the best defensive units in baseball. It will take TwinkieTown a month to clean off the walls from all the heads that exploded at that moment.

Gardy wins second consecutive Manager of the Year award. It will take TwinkieTown two months to clean off the walls from all the heads that exploded at that moment.

All predictions about this season will be wrong, including this one.

Finally, anti-bullying legislation does not stop the Twins from dominating the Central Division in 2011. However, the team is required to give the White Sox their lunch money back.

I don't want to come off sounding like a jerk, but WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?!?!?

TwinkieTown has offered a plethora of ad space along the top banner and in the left and right columns of the site for as long as I have viewed the site. Up until now, the center column has been free of advertising. I don't think that area is anything sacred, and I personally would have few problems with each post in the center column separated by a clearly defined ad. I regularly visit many sites with even more intrusive advertising such as MLB.com.

So I don't have a problem with you putting up an ad for Extra Innings, despite it being as useful as a rubber crutch to Twins fans in the blackout area who don't have access to FSN either because of their financial condition or their cable company is too retarded to carry FSN. No, my problem is that you put up this blatant ad in the form of a fanpost with comments closed so the ardent fans who would love to subscribe to your service but can't aren't allowed to tell you how much that sucks.

I don't begrudge SB Nation or the TwinkieTown staff for accepting this blatantly dishonest form of advertising because it helps support a service I find truly valuable.

However, it comes down to this, you can either be an advertiser or a poster. You can place an ad that is clearly different than the editorial content on the site or you can put up a post and suffer the slings and arrows of commenters who do not think highly of your service. You should not, however, be able to have it both ways by placing ads that look like fanposts but are not open to comments.

EDIT: Jesse put up a post explaining the whole advertising post thing. He couldn't have guess someone would be dumb enough to be up in the middle of the night to jump on it as soon as it appeared. As I said above, I am cool with putting ads in the center column, but I still not sure I am comfortable with them appearing as fanposts, even with the yellow background. Of course, there is a good probability that I will not even remember writing this post by the end of the season and will wonder what all the fuss was about.

EDIT 3/30/11: Putting the advertisers name at the top of the ad and the different color, IMNSHO differentiates the ad entries from regular posts enough that it won't confuse viewers with a room temperature IQ, which probably includes me. I think I am cool with the current layout.

Well, it was pretty obvious that most of the hitters who only spent one year with the Twins were more in the "what were they thinking" category. With pitchers, it seems that the Twins management was at least a little more successful in picking up some key pieces for a year to help the team over the hump and get into post season play. As with last week, the stats for these player's LONE YEAR with the Twins are behind the jump. These are the 10 players who had more than 20 starts in their only year with the Twins. Who are these guys? Which was the best single year acquisition the Twins ever made?

Continue reading this post »

There are many reasons a player may have been with a major league team for just a single year. Like current Twin Jim Thome (one year so far, a couple more, I hope) or the great Harmon Killebrew in Kansas City, they may feel they have another good year in them to round out a Hall of Fame career and add to their statistics. A player could have finally gotten their big break only to be lost to a career ending injury, either on or off the field. A player could have been brought up to sub for a injured regular and was then sent back down, never to get another shot at the bigs. Some players look for a change of scenery on a one year contract to rehabilitate a bad reputation at their previous team so they can get a better deal in free agency. Then there is the rent-a-player, the strong arm or big bat that could turn a contending team into a champion.

Below the jump are the statistics of the ten players who spent just one year with the Twins and had more than 300 plate appearances, not including current players (Hardy, Hudson, Thome and Valencia). Let's get your best guesses on the identities of these players. I'll post the answers before Wednesday's game. In the interest of fairness, if you have to run over to baseball-reference.com to get the answers, sit on your hands and let people try to guess. Also, who do you think was the Twins' best one-year acquisition? How about in all of baseball?

Continue reading this post »

AP Sportswriter Dave Campbell, via Yahoo Sports

Jason Kubel homered and hit a two-run double in the first inning to give the Twins a 3-0 lead, and Span added to it with a two-run single in the fourth.

Making the Twins the first team to bat at least 15 players in an inning and only score three runs, an event that is certainly unprecedented in the glorious history of America's game, such as it is. (/Cosell)

As I was watching Baby Jesus sign his contract it struck me that I'm so old that I remember when Kirby's $3 million contract was the biggest in baseball (for a week). It got me thinking about the other signs that I am old.

I'm so old I remember ...

... being shocked the Twins would let Rod Carew leave.

... when we were excited outdoor baseball was ending in Minnesota.

... the Metrodome was the most popular stadium (by attendance) in the history of baseball.

... when 81 wins meant this was the best Twins team in years and next year we would be a contender (we weren't)

... when the shortstop was the team's power hitting threat

... Talking Baseball was on every radio (especially the "Kirby, the Killer and Carew" Twins version)

... it was really something that 20 Twins games would be televised in a season

... cringing when we brought in our closer (curse you, Ron Davis)

... when you could get through the playoffs with 2 1/2 starting pitchers.

... when everyone thought the Vikings were sure to win a championship before the Twins

... The Royals were our biggest rivals in the division and the Orioles were the team that used to knock us out of the playoffs (back when we got to the playoffs, version one)

... Chuck Knoblauch was the hope for the future of the franchise

So, what Twins memory makes you feel old?

Look guys, these discussions are never pleasant. But we have to face facts, the bench stinks. Just look over there, in the side bar under "Links". Sure, we still have our heavy hitters and crafty veterans, but there is enough dead wood on there to heat a small town on the North Shore. I realize that some of these guys may be on the DL, and we don't cut anyone loose for getting hurt. But a couple of these blogs haven't been updated since 2006 and many of the rest went cold in 2007. How long do we keep carrying these guys when they aren't doing the rest of the team any good?

Look, spring training is about to start. We need to get some new blood and make a fresh start on the links section. We have a good solid core but we need to get some contributors who are really going to, you know, contribute. I know you like the old guys because they are scrappy and battle their tails off. But I don't need any fancy metrics, saber- or otherwise to tell you we need some changes around here.