Well, folks, the Wiggins joke has gone on long enough. For those who haven't figured it out, Wiggins is an alter-ego shared by both me (Dex) and jbox as well as a handful of other long-time Gaslampballers (Kev, J-Dub, etc.). It started as a one-off joke and then kind of ballooned into something so out of control we had to keep it going just to keep the myth alive.

We "retired" Wiggins a couple of years ago but decided to bring him back after coming across some Wiggins e-mails when we were researching old messages for Before the Blog. jbox quickly wrote up the Wiggins post about having sex on the Padres sheets and we just went from there. Kev then penned the Topps gum post. Yours truly took care of the recent return of fake Mike Piazza. I felt bad that it had homophobic terms in it, which is why I took it down and reposted it with those blacked out.

For you trivia lovers, here are the people responsible for various aspects of the Wiggins lore:

* Original Wiggins idea: Dex and jbox (based upon a guy we knew in high school named Tim Eirich)

* Wiggins' hatred of the Dodgers: Dex

* Wiggins' comics: jbox

* Wiggins living in Alpine and taking the bus: jbox

* Wiggins' drama with his mama: Dex

* Wiggins dating a literally retarded girl: Kev

* Wiggins speaking in third person: J-Dub

* Wiggins making fairweather mad and having to publically apologize: fairweather

* Wiggins hating smoothjazzman and getting into a flame war with him: smoothjazzman

* Wiggins getting creepy and hitting on GLB girls like Scout1222: drama

* Wiggins photo: An actual photo of jbox's brother, Mike (posing as Wiggins)

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It looks like SOMEONE has been reading old Wiggins posts, because Wiggins received an e-mail just now from somebody claiming to be a certain ex-Padres (and *ahem* some other lame team) catcher.

Wiggins is all about jokes. Haha, you got Wiggins. Oh boy. But this one was a little too personal and not really funny. E-mail copied/pasted after the break. Oh, and the subject line was "Pizazz." Interesting you even had access to Wiggins' e-mail (maybe it was jbox or Dex?). Anyway, e-mail is after the jump. All typos left as is.

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You might think Wiggins is Mr. Computers, what with all of his Gaslampball posts and all, but here's the thing: Wiggins is kind of computer illiterate. Wiggins will even admit that his mom sometimes has to help him get to the right spot to type his fan posts. If it wasn't for Wiggins' mom, you wouldn't get to enjoy what Wiggins has to type.

Anyway, today Wiggins went to Target to buy a new CD and their selection was pitiful. Wiggins was going to see if they had any Metallica, Anthrax, Megadeth, Iron Maiden... basically any good metal. So Wiggins asked the Target employee, "What gives?"

Here was his response: "People aren't buying CDs these days. They're just downloading music."

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Wiggins dabbles in poetry from time to time. It's not only something to get the ladies all hot and bothered, but it's a way for Wiggins to express what he is feeling at the core of his soul.

And so, dear friends, an ode to Mr. Tony Gwynn. Enjoy.

GWYNN by Wiggins

Gwynn! From the bottom of the heart.
Cancer? No way. You can do it.
Just do it. Nike. Sponsorship.
But not Gwynn. He's no sellout.

When it comes to being thin, don't turn to Gwynn.
But when it comes to a win, turn to Gwynn.

Orange.

Brown.

White.

Yellow.

Black.

Later: Blue. Sand and sea.

These are the colors that will never fade.
These colors don't run.
Just ask the Braves.

When the chips are down.
When the umpire throws Garvey out of the game.
"Bear down, Ump."
Who remains? TG. Tone-ee! Tone-ee!

You can hang a star on that one.
You can hang that one on a star.
Star? TG. Tony Gwynn.
Padre for life. Aztec for life. Baseball his wife.
Secret mistress: Baseketball.

Shhh. Don't tell. TG hittin' both sides. But in the end he married baseball.

Basketball wants child support. That baby ain't Tony's.

One more than eighteen. One less than twenty.
A million times more than us all.
Nineteen. Right field.
The glove is gold. The heart is gold. The soul runs gold.

Triple bacon cheeseburger with extra pickles.
It's all good.
Hit the round bat to the round ball.
Even Ted Williams was impressed.

Dear Cancer: When your lifetime average is over .300, then you can talk.
Until then, get off Mr. Padre's nuts.

This has been a Wiggins poem. And Wiggins is out.

In case you were unaware, Wiggins hates the Dodgers. If Wiggins could speak Spanish he'd say, "Wiggins no le gustan Los Dodgers" or something along those lines. If the Dodgers were the last woman on earth and she said, "Dear Wiggins, let's have sex and repopulate the globe" Wiggins would push his junk up between his legs and pretend to be a woman while saying, "Wiggins isn't here. This is Bethany, a girl, and two girls can't repopulate the planet. Sorry." Then when she wasn't looking, Wiggins would throw a rock at her and run off laughing. That would be awesome.

Anyway, imagine Wiggins' disgust when he goes to Jack in the Box and orders a bacon cheeseburger (gotta show love for Gwynn!), pays for it, waits patiently, then some freaking guy wearing an LA cap comes out of the back and says in broken English, "Order 4-7. Order 4-7." (He didn't say "fortyseven" he said "four seven"). Wiggins almost didn't want to go get his food, but he paid nearly $7 and that's a lot of money to Wiggins, so he swallowed his pride and took the food, but he didn't say "thank you" to the damn Dodgers fan breathing so close to Wiggins' bacon cheeseburger.

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Wiggins can't necessarily prove it was a Dodgers fan, but Wiggins just called a customer service line of a company headquarterd in Los Angeles and was put on hold. Los Angeles + putting Wiggins on hold unnecessarily = YOU DO THE MATH. (But for those wondering what the answer is: DODGERS' PLOT AGAINST WIGGINS CONTINUES).

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Wiggins was so optimistic only a couple days ago. Wiggins got himself looking nice, putting on a button-down shirt and sprinkling on some Old Spice before hopping on the bus and heading down to one of his favorite local bars. Wiggins was ready to get Wiggins some action, if you know what Wiggins means. And Wiggins thinks you know what Wiggins means. Aw yeah.

Wiggins takes his time scoping out the bar, seeing if there are any attractive single ladies. Finally Wiggins sets his sight on a brunette woman wearing beige pants, a navy blue shirt, and a classy jeans jacket. Not the type of jeans jacket you'd find at Walmart, but the kind you'd get a Pennys or Sears or something. She looked classy.

But it turned out she had a boyfriend.

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Lent is all about giving up something big. Something noteworthy. Something meaninful.

Wiggins is giving up hating the Dodgers for Lent. And he will even go so far as to profess his love for the team.

So, here we go sportsfans, Wiggins is about to say it: WIGGINS LOVES THE...

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Despite Wiggins being on Petco Park's exclusively short ban-list, he is planning to attend quite a few games this year. He will likely be wearing his Gaslampball shirt with the retired jersey numbes on the front, so be on the lookout!

One thing Wiggins has a hunger for: Hot Dogs a la Randy Jones. However, Wiggins had to punch some guy in the face last year for making some rude comment about Wiggins "deepthroating" a hot dog when he was feverishly filling his belly. "Hey man, slow down! No reason to deepthroat that thing!" *WIGGINS PUNCH!*

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Okay, Wiggins is kind of messing with you here. (Answer for those that care, though: BUFFETS!)

This is actually a Mark Grant appreciation thread. Surprise!

I bet you thought Wiggins was going to rip on Mark Grant as he did your precious T. Gwynn. And, for that matter, let Wiggins point out that Wiggins actually loves Tony, he just thinks Tony's hunger for carbs may have hurt the Padres World Series chances. That's all! But Wiggins will put that aside and admit that, no matter what, Tony is awesome. Respect.

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Wiggins' mom has been on a rampage lately. She's making Wiggins clear out a bunch of his stuff because it is, in her words, "taking up too much space and making the house look like it needs to be on Hoarders!" Calm down, already, mom! Geez! She's actually yelling at Wiggins as he types this. WIGGINS IS TAKING A BREAK HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND? GOD.

Anyway, during Wiggins' cleaning efforts, he came across an unopened package of Topps baseball cards from 1987. Unfortunately, there were no worthwhile cards in the pack (no Padres!), but Wiggins forgot about one small joy from his youth: gum. Ah, sweet gum. Wiggins was banned from many nearby convenience stores after a great gum-stealing rampage in the early '90s.

Should Wiggins dare eat this nearly 25-year-old piece of gum? It seems pretty hard. Prepare for a liveblog of the gum chewing after the jump!

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After an amazing time having sex on Padres sheets on his childhood, Wiggins thought the world was finally turning in his favor. But last night Wiggins called the lady he had sex with and, lo and behold, it was the infamous rejection line. Try calling it yourself and see what Wiggins means: 858-492-8002.

Wiggins is not just some piece of meat. Wiggins has feelings and thought this was the beginning of something special. Wiggins was on top of the world until that jerky voice said "This is not the person you were trying to call." WTF? Wiggins even did his famous hot sauce and mape syrup technique! Wiggins is pretty sure she liked it.

Oh, and Wiggins forgot to mention: She claimed she was a Padres fan. LIAR! No fan of the Padres would treat a fellow fan that way. On the way to the bus stop she even held Wiggins' hand and gave him a kiss before getting on the bus and heading back home. Doesn't that seem like she liked Wiggins?

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When Wiggins was a young child, he had San Diego Padres sheets. Wiggins doesn't know where his mom bought the sheets from way back in the day, but he does know that they were pretty awesome. So awesome, in fact, that Wiggins had to beat up a kid who tried to steal the sheets from his house one day when they were supposed to be having an afterschool get together to play Mike Tyson's Punch Out and the kid went to "use the bathroom" only to be discovered stuffing Wiggins' sheets into his backpack. Wiggins don't play that.

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wiios wuggubs gas gus fubgers ib tge wribg jets! byt natbe tiy cab decide wgat wuggubs us ttoubg, giid kycj!

wussubg gates tge didgers

wussubgs gates oeoioke wgi kuje tge didgers

wgwat us evertibe yo ti tidat>

dib;t firget ti recinnebt tgus oist!

wuggubs wukk gate kufe uf tiy dib;t kive gun abt kibger, wuggubs wabt due biw, hyst juddubg!

Secret code? MABYE!! Wiggins is totoaslly crazy today OMG WIGHGINS GO CRYAZY SUCKS IT DEX AND JBOX!!!!!

Gusys Wigginss is sooduuuuuuuuurunk!!!!!!1 Wighssn htesh the Dodghers burn in hELL LA DOGHDGERS!! AMAMAMAMA!!!!

Sso why are the Pdhasdres so bad iths makhs Wiggies wants to ddie sometmes but do'tn woryss loyal Wiggiebns fans Wiggins will livhe he won'tt die!!!!!

Wgihsns doensth ssusuallly ghets drunk so eearly in the day buth holy shisgt the Padhres suchk Khlalil's hadn Wgigins caghst pleasuirung himself OH NO WIGGINSS H MOM DISHNT TALKL TO WIGGINS SHINCE THEN WIGGINS ISS SO EMBAHRRSHASED!!! LOL!!!!!

SOH DO ANSY LADIES WANST TO CHOME TO WIGGGINS HOUSE RIGHTT NOWWS FOR SMOS FREE MASSAGHE AND MAYBE MOREH????? HAHSHSAAAHAHAHA!! WGIGHNS ISH JSTHS KIDDING.

HUGNRY GO HET MORE PIEY NOW BYE AND BEEEERRRR!!!! MMAMAMA!!

Wiggins often watches Sports Center late into the night. The other night Wiggins was watching sports center and got an urge. The urge had to be taken care of. Sorry, Wiggins is a guy and guys do those things. Even Dex, despite being married, pleasures Dex. Dex loves Dex in the biblical sense. Wiggins has seen it!

Wiggins was taking care of business when news of Khalil and his broken hand came on the screen. Wiggins paused the pleasure to listen, even though he was close to completing the pleasuring routine. If only Wiggins had kept going!

Just then Wiggins mom walked into the room and found him with hand in pleasuring positon while looking at the television and news about Khalil. She just looked at Wiggins, paused, and walked back out of the room.

Wiggins is embarassed and hasn't spoken to his mom since then. Stupid Khalil. If he wouldn't have been an idiot Wiggins wouldn't finished the pleasuring just in the nick of time. Wiggins is kind of depressed.

Wiggins can't believe it. Maddux can't win again? Khalil finally gets a hit--a homerun at that--and the Padres still lose. Why are these guys the freaking Keystone Cops of Major League Baseball? How about we make the Padres a minor league team and give one of the farm teams a chance at the majors. It couldn't hurt.

Wiggins was so upset about the Padres that he went to get a carne asada quesedilla last night at about 2:00 AM. When Wiggins is upset, he eats. Lately Wiggins has been doing a lot of eating. STUPID PADRES;

Anyway, Wiggins hit up his favorite 24-hour taco shop and put in his order. While he was in there, he saw a really cute girl sitting and eating by herself. She was looking at Wiggins coyly, but Wiggins wasn't sure if she was flirting or not.

However, she made it clear. When Wiggins was walking away from the front counter to find a place to sit, she patted the seat next to her and smiled. Wiggins couldn't believe it. Was he going to get lucky?!

He sat down and introduced himself. "Hi, I'm Wiggins."

"I know who you are."

She did?

"You post on Gaslampball, don't you? You look just like your photo. I'm kind of a fan."

Wiggins couldn't believe it! A Padres fan! A Gaslampballer? AND CUTE!

"What name do you post under?" Wiggins asked.

"Oh... I just... lurk... and read your posts." She smiled again... AND WINKED! Wiggins was going to get some action, it seemed!

A voice boomed out. "QUESEDILLA CON CARNE ASADA." Wiggins walked up to the front counter and grabbed his order.

"Oh, do you have hot sauce?" The gent at the front counter put a squeeze bottle of hot sauce on Wiggins' tray. "Thanks."

Wiggins walked by and sat next to his new lady friend. But then it happened.

THE STUPID HOT SAUCE WAS CLOGGED. WIGGINS SQUEEZE D IT AND; IT SHOT ALL OVER HER FACE. INTO HERH EYEES. SHE SCREHSAM. WGINGGS APOLOGIZEAS BUT SHE WALKSH OUT AND SAYSL;H "FKCH YOU WGUBHSNS" AND WHSUIGGINS NO GETH SEXHS. WGHI8SSHNS HATEHSG LIFHEHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wiggins has been depressed. The Braves spank the Padres. Khalil "Robot" Greene might get traded. Frankenfriar was a no-show at Saturday's game. Tony Gwynn looks like Grimace. It's all too much for Wiggins to handle.

When Wiggins gets depessed there's only one thing to do: Pizza pig-out a la Domino's.

So, Wiggins picked up his phone and dialed Domino's. "Wiggins would like 2 large pepperoni pizzas, please." Luckily, the staff at Domino's know Wiggins. "Sure, Mr. Wiggins. Right away, sir." Wiggins anxiously waited by the front door.

Ding dong!

Ah-ha, the moment had arrived. Wiggins opened the door and hastily pushed a $20 bill in the delivery guy's hand. "Keep the change!"

Wiggins rushed to the kitchen table and, hands being rung in excitement, popped open the box to find... WHAT THE HELL? Olives. Bleh.

Wiggins tried to catch the delivery guy before he sped off, but it was too late. He was long gone. Wiggins called the Domino's store to complain and they claimed he asked for two large pizzas with olives on them. "We've got it written right here, sir. Oliv--" Wiggins slammed down the phone before the vile word was complete.

Ugh, olives. Wiggins life is not worth living. WI8GHHGS HATE LIFES WIFGGHGNS GO D;LKE NOW BHYE TUPYDSTUPIDO LIFESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

More specifically, someone called Wiggins "gay" for wearing a vintage yellow and brown Padres jersey. Thankfully for the idiot who made the comment, they were not wearing a Dodgers cap. In fact, they were wearning nothing baseball-related at all. Strangely enough, what they were wearing was a Chargers jersey... that said "Tolliver" on the back.

Talk about gay.

 The only thing Wiggins could imagine would be worse is if the guy was wearing a McMahon jersey.

Anyway, Wiggins was in a good mood because he had just watched a particularly rousing session of "adult" material* on the Internet so he just said "Have a nice day, sir" and walked away.

* Grey's Anatomy on Youtube

Wiggins wrote a glam rock song about Eric Show called "Eric Show no <3 teh blackz" which will be featured on the official upcoming Gaslampball album, out soon on iTunes.

All sections with CAPS are yelled by all members of the band, except for Dave, the drummer, because his tongue was bitten off by a llama (long story)

For 37 years you walked the planet
Your name was ERIC SHOW not Pete or Janet
You hit Andre Dawson with a ball to the face
Because he was not of the white race

ERIC SHOW! You lost you faith and you lost your way
ERIC SHOW! There were rumors you were possibly gay
ERIC SHOW! You had a moustache and wavy hair
ERIC SHOW! Your eyes were nuts, you had a crazy stare!

Pete Rose hit number 4-1-9-2 off you
You sat on the mound like a pile of poo
You blamed Carmello and gave him a shove
ERIC SHOW! Maybe you just needed some love

ERIC SHOW! You lost you faith and you lost your way
ERIC SHOW! There were rumors you were possibly gay
ERIC SHOW! You had a moustache and wavy hair
ERIC SHOW! Your eyes were nuts, you had a crazy stare!

You were a member of the John Birch Society
But you were not a part of a life of sobriety
The police had to cuff you for spazzing out
In the cop car you kicked the window out
In an adult book store you were acting wacky
Perhaps you were smoking some funny tobaccy
You played the jazz but you hated the blacks
That's a bit ironical, and that's a fact

ERIC SHOW! 37!
ERIC SHOW! HEART ATTCK
ERIC SHOW! ERIC SHOW! ERIC SHOW!
YOU'RE DEAD!

Here is Wiggins' day so far:

1. Get out of bed

2. Eat breakfast (cereal + skim milk)

3. Read newspaper (okay, just the funnies)

4. Watch television

5. Read some posts on gaslampball and roll eyes

6. Watch more television

7. Think about how Wiggins hates when the Padres lose

8. Be filled to the brim with hate

9. Take a shower

10. Eat a corndog

What did everyone else do today? Wiggins imagines dex and jbox have been IMing sweet nothings to one another. "Oh jbox!" "Oh dex!"

Also, Khalil Greene sucks.

Wiggins was not at all impressed with the performance of the Frankenfrair this evening. At times Frankenfriar has been awesome. But tonight... whoa man. Wiggins also noticed that the grounds crew dancer was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the grounds crew dancer and the person inside Frankenfriar are one in the same.

Wiggins did notice this: the person inside Frankenfriar seemed befuddled on how to quickly change configurations in order to make Frankenfriar go from jumping on its feel to its hands to its head. Just pitiful.

The next time Wiggins sneaks into Petco Park, he will be rather upset if Frankenfriar's performance isn't up to expectations. Wiggins didn't go to the ballgame to see Ichiro not get a hit, he didn't go to see Khalil make an embarassing spin/throw goof, he didn't go to see the Padres outfielders look like Keystone cops, he didn't go to see Baek load the bases in such a timely fashion that it was all said and done by the time Wiggins tied his shoe, and he CERTAINLY did not go to see the institution of Frankenfriarism dragged through the mud by a terrible performance by a Frankenfriar costume wearer/dancer.

Wiggins is considering writing an open letter to the Padres organization about the poor Frankenfriar performance, but he is afriad they will respond with: "Fine. You don't like the performance? Frankenfrair is now banned from the ball park, as are you." Wiggins was ordered to stop sending letters to the Padres organization long ago when he stated (and this is a censored excerpt from the letter that started the drama): "...Dravecky's amputated arm all the way up The Bip's..."

Look, Wiggins doesn't ask for much. A win would be nice, but with this team that's too much to ask. All Wiggins asks for is an inspired performance by whomever happens to be inside the Frankenfrair costume. Is that too much to ask here, people? Tell Wiggins. IS. THAT. TOO. MUCH. TO. ASK. ????????????????

Wiggins knows Hoffman is a legend and all, but let you and Wiggins face it here, people, the guy sucks these days. He has no heat and when he comes into the game, you know the other team is like "Oh sweet!" When HELL'S BELLS starts to play, it's like a signal that batting practice is starting. Even Iguchi and Greene and their low-200s batting averages get jealous because they think "Aw man, now the other team has opportunities to get hits. Hoffman is the easy batting average boost."

But don't take Wiggins' word for it. Here to speak his mind in his own words is Trevor Hoffman. Take it away, Trevor.

Hello Gaslampball. Trevor Hoffman here. Trevor knows he sucks now. Why hasn't Trevor retired yet? Trevor likes the ligths and flash that comes with Trevor's closing opportunities. Trevor might blow saves, but saves get Trevor blows. Whoa, look out! That's all for now. Trevor out.

OK, Wiggins is back. Hi. So Trevor sucks, guys. Wiggins would rather have freaking Kouz on the mound than Trevor. Dear Bud Black: DON'T BRING TREVOR IN ANY LONGER. PS: BUD BLACK YOU SUCK TOO. NICE SMILE. YOU AND KHALIL SHOULD HANG OUT AND DO ZOOLANDER FACES ALL DAY.

Now Wiggins goe die. Wiggins ahte life stupid Padres can't win WHY DID WISGH WASTE HOURS WATCHINGG THAT SLHLTUPID GAME!!!!!!?????

Wiggins has been calling Emily non-stop since the incident with passing gas at Trophy’s. Wiggins feels terrible for offending her and simply wants to apologize. If Emily doesn’t want to see Wiggins again, that’s fine. Wiggins just wants it to end on something other than a toot.

But that’s not the least of Wiggins’ problems. Remember the incident at Yogurt Mill where Wiggins had an incident with a dirty Dodgers fan? Well, the dirty Dodgers fan wrote down Wiggins’ mom’s license plate number and reported it to the police. Now Wiggins might have to go back to jail. The guy is pressing charges. What a freaking wimp. “Oh I got yogurt smashed in my face because I love the Dodgers.” Be a man, you coward. Wiggins will destroy you!!!!

And, to make matters worse, Wiggins ex-girlfriend called at 2:52 am last night, looking for a booty call. Wiggins’ mom was mad about being woken up, but even upset when Wiggins asked for a ride to her house. She wouldn't drive Wiggins and told Wiggins to go back to sleep. That’s probably a good thing since she’s literally retarded and all. But Wiggins was feeling weak and just needed some company. It's probably good he didn't go, though.

Now Wiggins is sitting here angry. So agrny!! Wiggins blames the Dodgers for all of this. IF thoy didn’t exist Wiggins would probably notbe in this situation but oh no those damn ddoghers have to ruin everythuing Wiggins HatE DOGgers and want s to dide now someones put Wigngs out of misery pleas ehuryr or maybeh jstu a lady come over spend shome timen with Wiggsin OK pleashe wiggns lonely hurry please!!!!!!

Wighngs has tohgo Mom needs comphter but please somthoen come over but only lsady ok pleaes Wiggings begs hyou gothta go bye

You all know that Wiggins doesn't have the best of luck with the ladies. After his last real girlfriend turned out to have a very mild case of Downs Syndrome, Wiggins has been wary of "the ladies."

Tonight, another sad notch in Wiggins' belt of shame has been made. Wiggins farted while on a date. But at least Wiggins was on a date. Unfortunately, the girl he was with was anything but impressed. Wiggins swears, though, it was the DODGERS' fault. Read on--and perhaps get your tissues ready to wipe any tears.

The date was going so well. Wiggins met a girl a few days ago while standing in line at Target. He was buying some batteries and a box of Hot Pockets. Quite a strange combo, yes, though people have purchased stranger, Wiggins is sure. The woman at the front of the line was causing some type of commotion with her credit card. It wasn't "going through" because obviously it was maxed out or something, but the lady didn't understand. Wiggins let out a loud sigh and what should he hear but an angelic voice behind him.

"I hear ya!" whispered a pretty girl with a cute smile. "Maybe we should move to another line." Did she say "We"? As in Wiggins AND her? Wiggins said, "Yeah, Wiggins is tired of waiting." She gave an odd look. Perhaps it was the third person speak. But she smiled and said "Let's go."

The pretty girl was buying nail polish and a copy of Us Magazine. Wiggins thinks Us is trash, but he can forgive her. Wiggins let the girl go ahead of him. "Ladies first." She smile and said "Thanks!" But when her transaction was done, she moved to the side and waited. Yes, SHE WATIED FOR WIGGINS.

It turns out the girl's name is Emily and, lo and behold, she's a Padres fan! Wiggins excitedly told her about how he is famous on gaslampball.com, a site she's NEVER HEARD OF. Maybe that worked to Wiggins' advantage, because when he worked up the courage to ask her to dinner, she said "yes." Plans were made to meet this evening at Trophy's at 7:00 pm.

Wiggins put on a nice shirt and got his mom to drop him off (public transportation would've taken too long). He waited inside the lobby area. "How many?" the hostess asked. "Two," said Wiggins, "but my date hasn't arrived yet." Wiggins checked his watch. 7:05, 7:10, 7:15, 7:20... where was Emily!? Was Wiggins to be stood up?

When all hope seemed lost, who should appear through the door but Emily, looking quite radiant in a sporty yet stylish dress with a slight flower print. "Sorry I'm late, Wiggins" she said. "I know Wiggins must've thought I flaked out. I just got caught up at work." Yes, people, she talked about Wiggins in the third person. It was true love.

All was going well. Wiggins and Emily were enjoying burgers, talking baseball, and even flirting a little. But then it happened. Wiggins and Emily were seated near the bar and what should Wiggins hear but DODGERS TALK. Noooooo. He tried to ignore it. After all, Wiggins was on a date with a pretty girl. But it was too much. Wiggins couldn't hold back.

"Hey Dodgers fans, take this!" yelled Wiggins. He lifted his right butt cheek and let out a rauncy fart. When Wiggins says "raunchy" he means it. It was loud, wet, and stinky. The Dodgers conversationalists gave a look of disbelief that quickly faded into horror... then laughter. They pointed and laughed at Wiggins.

Wiggins was proud of his fart, though. He'd been holding it in the entire duration of dinner, afraid of letting it slide in front of Emily. But surely she'd understand, right? Surely Emily would appreciate Wiggins farting at the Dodgers.

Unfortnately, Wiggins made a mistake. Emily's face was blank. She just stared off tot he distance, her face red. After a moment, she dabbed her mouth with her napkin, stood up, and walked out.

Wiggins tried to follow her but she told him to stay away. "You're a freak!" she exclaimed. Wiggins tried to explain but before he knew it she was zipping away in her Honda Accord. Wiggins quickly memorized her license plate number so he coudl track her down later, but he's forgotten it now.

Wiggins felt like crying, but instead he marched over to a payphone and made a collect call to his home to ask for a ride home from his mom. No answer. He tried the same to her cell phone but it didn't go through. So Wiggins caught the bus home, having to transfer four times.

Wiggins is now depressed. Why did Wiggins have to fart in front of her? Whyd id those jerks have to be talking about the Ddogers!! WiggiANassS HATE DODGERS WIGGINTS GO DIE NOEW GOOODBYE EVERYOEN WIGGIBNS; HATSLK LIFE WANT OT DIE FLUCKNGI DOGHDGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Have any of you even been to the Yogurt Mill in El Cajon? It has the best frozen yogurt anywhere and if you have a coupon you can get 2 for the price of 1. It’s a great deal but unfortunately some Dodgers jerk had to ruin the evening for Wiggins last night.

See, Wiggins likes to go to Yogurt Mill but it’s such a far trip on public transportation that he pretty much only goes when his mom and her sewing circle decide to go. Their “circle” is more of a “triangle” since there’s only three of them and usually they’ll bring Wiggins along to have an even number and get the 2-for-1 deal. One of the ladies in the knitting circle is kind of hot for an older lady, too, so Wiggins figures that perhaps some day she’ll let him make a move on her. Wiggins went with his mom and the two other ladies last night for yogurt.

Once Wiggins and the ladies got in line, all was going well. That is, until some jerk with a Dodgers hat came and stood in line behind Wiggins. Wiggins tried to keep his cool but then the guy started talking to his friend about the Dodgers. Wiggins turned around and said “Excuse me, but this isn’t LA. Please take your Dodgers talk elsewhere. This is Padres territory.” The guy then had the gall to say “Talk to me when the Padres become a real team.”

Wiggins’ mom asked him not to get into a fight, so Wiggins just slipped the guy’s hat off his head and stepped on it. She told Wiggins to stop doing that so Wiggins grabbed someone’s yogurt and pushed it in the guy’s face. The guy didn’t even fight back but went inside and asked the workers to call 911. What a wimp! Wiggins’ mom didn’t want Wiggins to get arrested so she made Wiggins and the ladies get in the car and drive home. Wiggins didn’t get yogurt.

At least Wiggins didn’t back down and hopefully made that Dodgers fan think twice about wearing a Dodgers hat or even mentioning that terrible team the next time he’s at Yogurt Mill. Wiggins really wants to get some Yogurt Mill, though! If anyone wants to go 2-for-1 on yogurt with Wiggins, especially ladies, let Wiggins know. Actually, only ladies.

But apparently he's logged into OMGTeenChat.com because that's what this site has become. Wiggins will personally fly out to Dex's house and beat him bloody for letting this happen. Nobody wants to hear about "What happened in computer class! OMG!" or why Khalil Greene is "so cute xoxo!"

Please, stupid people, go back to your Dodgers blogs or wherever you came from. Also, fill out the poll.

First off, that photo of the woman in the gaslampball t-shirt. Wow, nice chin. Wiggins means, is Jay Leno in da house?

Alright now down to business. Wiggins was at Trophy's this past weekend and overheard not one but two different groups of people talking about Khalil Greene. Namely, that Khalil is rumored to be gay. Wiggins had never heard this rumor before and figured it was just nonsense, but two separate groups of people discussing this seemed odd.

Then Wiggins was listening to 690 and a caller phoned in with this question: "Is Khalil Greene gay?" and the response was "Whoa, we're not getting into that one. Nothing's been said about that." They wouldn't touch it with a 20 foot pole.

So, Wiggins asks you lovely folks, where is this "Khalil is gay" business coming from? Was it reported on a news site or something? And if Khalil is gay, Wiggins is fine with it. He just needs to smile more! Maybe that's why he always looks so sad. Come out of the closet, Khalil, and the truth shall set you free!

Wiggins got ahold of a gaslampball.com shirt. He actually attended the game Saturday night. Wiggins likes to laugh at Brad "perpetual .230 average" Ausmus. If it weren't for the fact that Ausmus was a good defensive catcher, he'd have been gone and forgotten years ago. He can't hit worth a damn and he was terrible on the Padres. Terrible. TERRIBLE. Burn in Hell, Ausmus.

--ahem-- Wiggins got sidetracked.

TERRIBLE!!!!

--ahem-- Sorry. Wiggins will get back on track here.

OK, so Wiggins managed to sneak past security thanks to, of all things, his gaslampball.com shirt! One of the Padres ushers who had actually assisted with throwing Wiggins out of Petco not once, not twice, but thrice stepped out in front of Wiggins. "Uh oh," Wiggins though. "It's over even before it's begun."

But no, what caught this portly Padres usher's eye was the gaslampball.com shirt. "Say, did ya win the lotto?" the usher asked?

"Um... uh... Excuse me?" Wiggins sputtered.

"Your shirt. Did you win the lotto?"

"Oh, these aren't lotto numbers, they're the--"

"They're from Lost!" the usher exclaimed! "Of course!"

"Actually," Wiggins meekly said. "They're the Padres' retired jerseys."

The usher, who had been focusing the majority of his attention on Wiggins' shirt, completely averted his gaze in utter embarassment. "Oh, yeah. That's right. How could I have not known..." His voice trailed off and Wiggins gave a nod and quickly made his way past. Home free!

Of course, Wiggins was in hot water a couple times with the usher in his section for yelling a few inappropriate comments at Ausmus, but that's alright. Wiggins made it through all 9 innings and even enjoyed a Randy Jones hot dog.

Thanks, gaslampball.com shirt!

We all know Drama likes to flirt with "the ladies." Here's his own special place to bring his own special charm to the female posters on this board.

It's simple! Girls, make a post here and Drama can then respond with innuendos, charming tales, and even virtual roses!

And the fun doesn't stop there. Drama can put up a cute post or two and the ladies can then keep the fire burning by bringing the flirt on their own. Oh, the fun you'll have!

So don't delay! On with the "I'm a new dad but I need to get my e-flirt on" action!

LOVE, WIGGINS
P.S. bih!