SB Nation User Blog: wiggins4ever

Eric Show no <3 teh blackz

wiggins4ever — Sat, 05 Jul 2008 18:47:32 -0000

Wiggins wrote a glam rock song about Eric Show called "Eric Show no <3 teh blackz" which will be featured on the official upcoming Gaslampball album, out soon on iTunes.

All sections with CAPS are yelled by all members of the band, except for Dave, the drummer, because his tongue was bitten off by a llama (long story)

For 37 years you walked the planet
Your name was ERIC SHOW not Pete or Janet
You hit Andre Dawson with a ball to the face
Because he was not of the white race

ERIC SHOW! You lost you faith and you lost your way
ERIC SHOW! There were rumors you were possibly gay
ERIC SHOW! You had a moustache and wavy hair
ERIC SHOW! Your eyes were nuts, you had a crazy stare!

Pete Rose hit number 4-1-9-2 off you
You sat on the mound like a pile of poo
You blamed Carmello and gave him a shove
ERIC SHOW! Maybe you just needed some love

You were a member of the John Birch Society
But you were not a part of a life of sobriety
The police had to cuff you for spazzing out
In the cop car you kicked the window out
In an adult book store you were acting wacky
Perhaps you were smoking some funny tobaccy
You played the jazz but you hated the blacks
That's a bit ironical, and that's a fact

ERIC SHOW! 37!
ERIC SHOW! HEART ATTCK
ERIC SHOW! ERIC SHOW! ERIC SHOW!
YOU'RE DEAD!

Wiggins just ate a corndog

wiggins4ever — Tue, 01 Jul 2008 23:18:16 -0000

Here is Wiggins' day so far:

1. Get out of bed

2. Eat breakfast (cereal + skim milk)

3. Read newspaper (okay, just the funnies)

4. Watch television

5. Read some posts on gaslampball and roll eyes

6. Watch more television

7. Think about how Wiggins hates when the Padres lose

8. Be filled to the brim with hate

9. Take a shower

10. Eat a corndog

What did everyone else do today? Wiggins imagines dex and jbox have been IMing sweet nothings to one another. "Oh jbox!" "Oh dex!"

Also, Khalil Greene sucks.

Frankenfriar's dancing was below standards this evening

wiggins4ever — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 07:37:18 -0000

Wiggins was not at all impressed with the performance of the Frankenfrair this evening. At times Frankenfriar has been awesome. But tonight... whoa man. Wiggins also noticed that the grounds crew dancer was nowhere to be seen. Perhaps the grounds crew dancer and the person inside Frankenfriar are one in the same.

Wiggins did notice this: the person inside Frankenfriar seemed befuddled on how to quickly change configurations in order to make Frankenfriar go from jumping on its feel to its hands to its head. Just pitiful.

The next time Wiggins sneaks into Petco Park, he will be rather upset if Frankenfriar's performance isn't up to expectations. Wiggins didn't go to the ballgame to see Ichiro not get a hit, he didn't go to see Khalil make an embarassing spin/throw goof, he didn't go to see the Padres outfielders look like Keystone cops, he didn't go to see Baek load the bases in such a timely fashion that it was all said and done by the time Wiggins tied his shoe, and he CERTAINLY did not go to see the institution of Frankenfriarism dragged through the mud by a terrible performance by a Frankenfriar costume wearer/dancer.

Wiggins is considering writing an open letter to the Padres organization about the poor Frankenfriar performance, but he is afriad they will respond with: "Fine. You don't like the performance? Frankenfrair is now banned from the ball park, as are you." Wiggins was ordered to stop sending letters to the Padres organization long ago when he stated (and this is a censored excerpt from the letter that started the drama): "...Dravecky's amputated arm all the way up The Bip's..."

Look, Wiggins doesn't ask for much. A win would be nice, but with this team that's too much to ask. All Wiggins asks for is an inspired performance by whomever happens to be inside the Frankenfrair costume. Is that too much to ask here, people? Tell Wiggins. IS. THAT. TOO. MUCH. TO. ASK. ????????????????

Mother F Trevor Hoffman

wiggins4ever — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 05:59:20 -0000

Wiggins knows Hoffman is a legend and all, but let you and Wiggins face it here, people, the guy sucks these days. He has no heat and when he comes into the game, you know the other team is like "Oh sweet!" When HELL'S BELLS starts to play, it's like a signal that batting practice is starting. Even Iguchi and Greene and their low-200s batting averages get jealous because they think "Aw man, now the other team has opportunities to get hits. Hoffman is the easy batting average boost."

But don't take Wiggins' word for it. Here to speak his mind in his own words is Trevor Hoffman. Take it away, Trevor.

Hello Gaslampball. Trevor Hoffman here. Trevor knows he sucks now. Why hasn't Trevor retired yet? Trevor likes the ligths and flash that comes with Trevor's closing opportunities. Trevor might blow saves, but saves get Trevor blows. Whoa, look out! That's all for now. Trevor out.

OK, Wiggins is back. Hi. So Trevor sucks, guys. Wiggins would rather have freaking Kouz on the mound than Trevor. Dear Bud Black: DON'T BRING TREVOR IN ANY LONGER. PS: BUD BLACK YOU SUCK TOO. NICE SMILE. YOU AND KHALIL SHOULD HANG OUT AND DO ZOOLANDER FACES ALL DAY.

Now Wiggins goe die. Wiggins ahte life stupid Padres can't win WHY DID WISGH WASTE HOURS WATCHINGG THAT SLHLTUPID GAME!!!!!!?????

It Just Gets Worse

wiggins4ever — Sat, 12 Apr 2008 16:42:27 -0000

Wiggins has been calling Emily non-stop since the incident with passing gas at Trophy’s. Wiggins feels terrible for offending her and simply wants to apologize. If Emily doesn’t want to see Wiggins again, that’s fine. Wiggins just wants it to end on something other than a toot.

But that’s not the least of Wiggins’ problems. Remember the incident at Yogurt Mill where Wiggins had an incident with a dirty Dodgers fan? Well, the dirty Dodgers fan wrote down Wiggins’ mom’s license plate number and reported it to the police. Now Wiggins might have to go back to jail. The guy is pressing charges. What a freaking wimp. “Oh I got yogurt smashed in my face because I love the Dodgers.” Be a man, you coward. Wiggins will destroy you!!!!

And, to make matters worse, Wiggins ex-girlfriend called at 2:52 am last night, looking for a booty call. Wiggins’ mom was mad about being woken up, but even upset when Wiggins asked for a ride to her house. She wouldn't drive Wiggins and told Wiggins to go back to sleep. That’s probably a good thing since she’s literally retarded and all. But Wiggins was feeling weak and just needed some company. It's probably good he didn't go, though.

Now Wiggins is sitting here angry. So agrny!! Wiggins blames the Dodgers for all of this. IF thoy didn’t exist Wiggins would probably notbe in this situation but oh no those damn ddoghers have to ruin everythuing Wiggins HatE DOGgers and want s to dide now someones put Wigngs out of misery pleas ehuryr or maybeh jstu a lady come over spend shome timen with Wiggsin OK pleashe wiggns lonely hurry please!!!!!!

Wighngs has tohgo Mom needs comphter but please somthoen come over but only lsady ok pleaes Wiggings begs hyou gothta go bye

Wiggins Farts on Date--The Full Story (DODGERS RELATED)

wiggins4ever — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 05:54:33 -0000

You all know that Wiggins doesn't have the best of luck with the ladies. After his last real girlfriend turned out to have a very mild case of Downs Syndrome, Wiggins has been wary of "the ladies."

Tonight, another sad notch in Wiggins' belt of shame has been made. Wiggins farted while on a date. But at least Wiggins was on a date. Unfortunately, the girl he was with was anything but impressed. Wiggins swears, though, it was the DODGERS' fault. Read on--and perhaps get your tissues ready to wipe any tears.

The date was going so well. Wiggins met a girl a few days ago while standing in line at Target. He was buying some batteries and a box of Hot Pockets. Quite a strange combo, yes, though people have purchased stranger, Wiggins is sure. The woman at the front of the line was causing some type of commotion with her credit card. It wasn't "going through" because obviously it was maxed out or something, but the lady didn't understand. Wiggins let out a loud sigh and what should he hear but an angelic voice behind him.

"I hear ya!" whispered a pretty girl with a cute smile. "Maybe we should move to another line." Did she say "We"? As in Wiggins AND her? Wiggins said, "Yeah, Wiggins is tired of waiting." She gave an odd look. Perhaps it was the third person speak. But she smiled and said "Let's go."

The pretty girl was buying nail polish and a copy of Us Magazine. Wiggins thinks Us is trash, but he can forgive her. Wiggins let the girl go ahead of him. "Ladies first." She smile and said "Thanks!" But when her transaction was done, she moved to the side and waited. Yes, SHE WATIED FOR WIGGINS.

It turns out the girl's name is Emily and, lo and behold, she's a Padres fan! Wiggins excitedly told her about how he is famous on gaslampball.com, a site she's NEVER HEARD OF. Maybe that worked to Wiggins' advantage, because when he worked up the courage to ask her to dinner, she said "yes." Plans were made to meet this evening at Trophy's at 7:00 pm.

Wiggins put on a nice shirt and got his mom to drop him off (public transportation would've taken too long). He waited inside the lobby area. "How many?" the hostess asked. "Two," said Wiggins, "but my date hasn't arrived yet." Wiggins checked his watch. 7:05, 7:10, 7:15, 7:20... where was Emily!? Was Wiggins to be stood up?

When all hope seemed lost, who should appear through the door but Emily, looking quite radiant in a sporty yet stylish dress with a slight flower print. "Sorry I'm late, Wiggins" she said. "I know Wiggins must've thought I flaked out. I just got caught up at work." Yes, people, she talked about Wiggins in the third person. It was true love.

All was going well. Wiggins and Emily were enjoying burgers, talking baseball, and even flirting a little. But then it happened. Wiggins and Emily were seated near the bar and what should Wiggins hear but DODGERS TALK. Noooooo. He tried to ignore it. After all, Wiggins was on a date with a pretty girl. But it was too much. Wiggins couldn't hold back.

"Hey Dodgers fans, take this!" yelled Wiggins. He lifted his right butt cheek and let out a rauncy fart. When Wiggins says "raunchy" he means it. It was loud, wet, and stinky. The Dodgers conversationalists gave a look of disbelief that quickly faded into horror... then laughter. They pointed and laughed at Wiggins.

Wiggins was proud of his fart, though. He'd been holding it in the entire duration of dinner, afraid of letting it slide in front of Emily. But surely she'd understand, right? Surely Emily would appreciate Wiggins farting at the Dodgers.

Unfortnately, Wiggins made a mistake. Emily's face was blank. She just stared off tot he distance, her face red. After a moment, she dabbed her mouth with her napkin, stood up, and walked out.

Wiggins tried to follow her but she told him to stay away. "You're a freak!" she exclaimed. Wiggins tried to explain but before he knew it she was zipping away in her Honda Accord. Wiggins quickly memorized her license plate number so he coudl track her down later, but he's forgotten it now.

Wiggins felt like crying, but instead he marched over to a payphone and made a collect call to his home to ask for a ride home from his mom. No answer. He tried the same to her cell phone but it didn't go through. So Wiggins caught the bus home, having to transfer four times.

Wiggins is now depressed. Why did Wiggins have to fart in front of her? Whyd id those jerks have to be talking about the Ddogers!! WiggiANassS HATE DODGERS WIGGINTS GO DIE NOEW GOOODBYE EVERYOEN WIGGIBNS; HATSLK LIFE WANT OT DIE FLUCKNGI DOGHDGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Wiggins Defends Padres' Honor At Yogurt Mill

wiggins4ever — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 20:50:14 -0000

Have any of you even been to the Yogurt Mill in El Cajon? It has the best frozen yogurt anywhere and if you have a coupon you can get 2 for the price of 1. It’s a great deal but unfortunately some Dodgers jerk had to ruin the evening for Wiggins last night.

See, Wiggins likes to go to Yogurt Mill but it’s such a far trip on public transportation that he pretty much only goes when his mom and her sewing circle decide to go. Their “circle” is more of a “triangle” since there’s only three of them and usually they’ll bring Wiggins along to have an even number and get the 2-for-1 deal. One of the ladies in the knitting circle is kind of hot for an older lady, too, so Wiggins figures that perhaps some day she’ll let him make a move on her. Wiggins went with his mom and the two other ladies last night for yogurt.

Once Wiggins and the ladies got in line, all was going well. That is, until some jerk with a Dodgers hat came and stood in line behind Wiggins. Wiggins tried to keep his cool but then the guy started talking to his friend about the Dodgers. Wiggins turned around and said “Excuse me, but this isn’t LA. Please take your Dodgers talk elsewhere. This is Padres territory.” The guy then had the gall to say “Talk to me when the Padres become a real team.”

Wiggins’ mom asked him not to get into a fight, so Wiggins just slipped the guy’s hat off his head and stepped on it. She told Wiggins to stop doing that so Wiggins grabbed someone’s yogurt and pushed it in the guy’s face. The guy didn’t even fight back but went inside and asked the workers to call 911. What a wimp! Wiggins’ mom didn’t want Wiggins to get arrested so she made Wiggins and the ladies get in the car and drive home. Wiggins didn’t get yogurt.

At least Wiggins didn’t back down and hopefully made that Dodgers fan think twice about wearing a Dodgers hat or even mentioning that terrible team the next time he’s at Yogurt Mill. Wiggins really wants to get some Yogurt Mill, though! If anyone wants to go 2-for-1 on yogurt with Wiggins, especially ladies, let Wiggins know. Actually, only ladies.

Wiggins thought he logged onto gaslampball.com

wiggins4ever — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 01:15:08 -0000

But apparently he's logged into OMGTeenChat.com because that's what this site has become. Wiggins will personally fly out to Dex's house and beat him bloody for letting this happen. Nobody wants to hear about "What happened in computer class! OMG!" or why Khalil Greene is "so cute xoxo!"

Please, stupid people, go back to your Dodgers blogs or wherever you came from. Also, fill out the poll.

Poll

Who are all these new people like iLOVEkouz5?

Khalil

wiggins4ever — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 18:27:58 -0000

First off, that photo of the woman in the gaslampball t-shirt. Wow, nice chin. Wiggins means, is Jay Leno in da house?

Alright now down to business. Wiggins was at Trophy's this past weekend and overheard not one but two different groups of people talking about Khalil Greene. Namely, that Khalil is rumored to be gay. Wiggins had never heard this rumor before and figured it was just nonsense, but two separate groups of people discussing this seemed odd.

Then Wiggins was listening to 690 and a caller phoned in with this question: "Is Khalil Greene gay?" and the response was "Whoa, we're not getting into that one. Nothing's been said about that." They wouldn't touch it with a 20 foot pole.

So, Wiggins asks you lovely folks, where is this "Khalil is gay" business coming from? Was it reported on a news site or something? And if Khalil is gay, Wiggins is fine with it. He just needs to smile more! Maybe that's why he always looks so sad. Come out of the closet, Khalil, and the truth shall set you free!

Wiggins and the Gaslampball Shirt

wiggins4ever — Mon, 20 Aug 2007 23:13:22 -0000

Wiggins got ahold of a gaslampball.com shirt. He actually attended the game Saturday night. Wiggins likes to laugh at Brad "perpetual .230 average" Ausmus. If it weren't for the fact that Ausmus was a good defensive catcher, he'd have been gone and forgotten years ago. He can't hit worth a damn and he was terrible on the Padres. Terrible. TERRIBLE. Burn in Hell, Ausmus.

--ahem-- Wiggins got sidetracked.

TERRIBLE!!!!

--ahem-- Sorry. Wiggins will get back on track here.

OK, so Wiggins managed to sneak past security thanks to, of all things, his gaslampball.com shirt! One of the Padres ushers who had actually assisted with throwing Wiggins out of Petco not once, not twice, but thrice stepped out in front of Wiggins. "Uh oh," Wiggins though. "It's over even before it's begun."

But no, what caught this portly Padres usher's eye was the gaslampball.com shirt. "Say, did ya win the lotto?" the usher asked?

"Um... uh... Excuse me?" Wiggins sputtered.

"Your shirt. Did you win the lotto?"

"Oh, these aren't lotto numbers, they're the--"

"They're from Lost!" the usher exclaimed! "Of course!"

"Actually," Wiggins meekly said. "They're the Padres' retired jerseys."

The usher, who had been focusing the majority of his attention on Wiggins' shirt, completely averted his gaze in utter embarassment. "Oh, yeah. That's right. How could I have not known..." His voice trailed off and Wiggins gave a nod and quickly made his way past. Home free!

Of course, Wiggins was in hot water a couple times with the usher in his section for yelling a few inappropriate comments at Ausmus, but that's alright. Wiggins made it through all 9 innings and even enjoyed a Randy Jones hot dog.

Thanks, gaslampball.com shirt!