This is not a post for serious discussion of how to get the bats working.  It is a post for what you are going to do at some point before the next game to make the Cubs bust out of this skid.

I plan on digging out my old baseball cards and finding a good group of Cubs players to carry around in my shirt pocket.  I'm also going to quietly mutter hexes at any Padres logos I see.

And before the skeptics start in, you have no way of proving that the right combination of things isn't working until it finally fails to work.  (HA!  Your own scientific models turned against you!  Take that, rational fandom!)

"Villains!" I shrieked, "dissemble no more! I admit the deed! – tear up the planks! – here,  here! – it is the beating of –”

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

Special Slumpbuster Whale-mail-bag Edition!

[Ed. Note:  The team that first occupied Wrigley Field, before it was called Wrigley Field, was the Federal League team, which in 1915 was known as the Whales.  They won the league that year under the management of some guy named Tinker.  They also had this pitcher with only three fingers.]

Well, I got such a good response from those of you who sent questions that I decided to spend the whole time answering them.  So without further ado, let’s dive in, shall we?

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I don't like Judd Sirott as a PBP guy.

I'm sure he's a wonderful person, and he loves his family very much, and he gives to a number of important charities.  But he is not a good play-by-play man.  And he and Ron don't really have any chemistry together, at least not like Cory.  In fact, Judd seems pretty one-dimensional on the radio.

Now, I appreciate that the guy is new.  But he's been doing AHL games for 12 years.  He should be able to turn it on a bit more when he needs to.  And this is the Cubs, for Ernie's sake.  We couldn't have gotten someone a bit more natural?

As a result, I would like to inform all of you of the formation of the Judd Sirott Anti-Fan Club.

First meeting is tonight during the 5th inning in the Game Thread (or overflow, as applicable).  BYOB, snacks provided.  A smoking area will be provided.

Agenda consists of the following:

Come up with an acronym.  And then a backronym.

Take nominations for a logo.

Elect representative to SABR (Society for Abolishing Bad Radio)

Write to BCB Store for sponsorship.

Quantify the level of bad Judd exhibits.

Take items for next meeting's agenda.

Nominate Moon Laser Feasibility Study directors (if we have time).

Oh, wait, yes it is.

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

(Now 98% content-free!)

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A guide for broadcasters (some of whom we will only listen to this time of year because there isn’t always a WGN feed).

[Note:

Thank you.]

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Okay.  Guess what this thread is for?

That's right: Pictures of various holiday paraphernalia in unusual situations.

This guy also volunteers at the local airport when the power goes out.

via www.crownheights.info

I can has ornament?

via snapshot.parade.com

And for those of you who were wondering, this is how Santa really gets into your house.

via farm1.static.flickr.com

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It’s –

(cue Liberty Bell March)

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

One man’s continuing saga to supplant Carrie Muskat as MLB.com’s Cubs reporter.

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In the interest of padding my resume to get Carrie Muskat’s job, I’m working on my reporting skills.  So here’s some…

Totally Bogus Cubs News!

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Now that the Series is over, the Senior Circuit has redeemed itself, and I don't reflexively gag every time someone mentions baseball, I finally got caught up on various news and rumor sources.  Ms. Muskat’s latest mailbag over at cubs.com has a question I found interesting at the bottom of the list:  Is it time for the Cubs management to change their uniforms?

While the suggestions made by the individual who wrote in aren’t what I would suggest (darker blue, new logo, angrier Cub), the letter did get me thinking about and researching the history of the uniforms the north-siders have worn.  I found this article on espn.com from earlier this year, with a number of interesting uniform quirks and links to a lot of pictures.  Given the frequency of change to the uniforms over much of the team’s history and in baseball in general, I find it odd that (according to the information on the Hall of Fame website) the home uniform appears to have remained unchanged since 1979 (meaning they have worn the same home jerseys for my entire life) and the road grays have been the same since 1997.

I’m not a graphic designer (I studied music because the drugs were better), so I won’t presume to propose a solution, but I would be interested in seeing a change to the uniforms next year, if for no other reason than to try a new approach to breaking the post-season slump.  I like the timeless feel the Cubs unis have (the circle-C Cubs has been on the home uniforms in one form or another since 1937), but a few things do puzzle me (like why there is a registered trademark symbol in the modern circular logo, and why there’s a logo on the pants).  Since the team is the oldest single city franchise in professional sports (at least in the US), should some special tie to the city be incorporated?  Should more red be incorporated into the uniforms or hats?  Do we really need to make the road unis gray, or should we do something unique (like the 1978 unis, which I personally really like despite numerous complaints about being powder blue)?  Should one of the older Cubs be brought back (again, the ‘62-’78 Cub comes to mind, or the classic ‘standing bear with bat’ from 1908, or the ’49-’61 smiling Cub)?  Surely the nation’s team should have the sharpest uniforms in the sport, and while the jerseys look very clean now, they lack the punch and character of many of the older uniforms.  Mr. Wrigley would, I suspect, agree.

While most of us will probably sleep well tonight, with visions of gonfalons dancing in our heads, two neighboring skippers are likely to lose sleep over the prospect of their seasons coming to an abrupt and unpleasant end.  But which one needs the Nytol more: Dale Sveum or Ozzie Guillen?  Below I have outlined some pros and cons for each.

Dale’s Pros:

The Brewers are tied for the wildcard, which means that three of the four possible outcomes of tomorrow keep the team alive.  With the Cubs likely playing Frankenstarter tomorrow (with a bullpen that looks less-than-invincible of late), his guys should have at least a fighting chance to get some hits in against a team that would rather keep everybody healthy for Wednesday than risk injury for a win that means nothing to their post-season chances.  Since the Mets start an hour earlier, the players will have a scoreboard to motivate them.  And he can’t really be blamed if the Brewers fall out, since he managed to stop the skid that Ned was (apparently) responsible for; if they do get in, he probably still has some sort of job next year if he wants it.  And (oh yeah) the Mets set a precedent for choking last year.

Dale’s Cons:

The Cubs win in Miller Park when they visit.  I don’t see Brewer fans (or management) being very forgiving of failure (hope you locked your car… in a garage… south of Kenosha).  The Cubs win in Miller Park when they visit.  Since the one game playoff would be in Flushing, a tie-breaker means travel on short notice.  The Cubs win in Miller Park when they visit.  The starting rotation for the post-season (if they get in) is still very much in the air until after they clinch.  And (in case you didn’t know) the Cubs win in Miller Park when they visit.

Ozzie’s Pros:

Any after-season games will be played at the Cell, and …um… no one seems to mind him badmouthing his players in the media?  (Seriously, I tried for an hour to think of something else… anybody?)

Ozzie’s Cons:

Invader Zim-worthy SCENARIO of DOOM where the Sox win tomorrow while watching the Twins lose, then lose to Detroit on Monday and the Twins on Tuesday to slide 1.5 games and back out of the playoffs AFTER the season is over (fun!).  ANY situation which gets them in at this point requires them having to play the make-up with Detroit and, if Minnesota wins tomorrow, would also require the Tuesday tie-breaker.  Provided he can get the team there, his rotation is going to be toast.  And (whoops) they're a half game back to start the day.

I say Ozzie is up all night practicing ripping his guys a new one and thinking about what to do this October.

Saw this in the paper this morning and nearly fell off the john.  Seems some guy managed to get his hands on a (real!) Dodger uniform, put it on, and went out to wander the field at Dodger Stadium.  The great part is that he has apparently been in trouble with the Dodgers before.

Only in LA, I guess.

Here are sixteen more words to flesh out this post for the darn word counting computer.

Fox Sports has opted to pick up the Saturday (9-27) game for their television broadcast, resulting in the game's start time being moved from 12:05 CT to 2:55 CT.  (Not sure who was supposed to have that one to start with; don't have that schedule lying around anywhere.)

Am I at seventy-five words yet, O great word-counting computer? You say I need ten more words? How is this?