The WWE Network aired the long-awaited and much-hyped first episode of their new reality show, "Legends' House" on Thursday night. (Yes, the apostrophe is -- correctly -- part of the title.) The premise, which you probably figured out from the title, is that eight old-timers ("Legends" in WWE parlance) live in a house together. Hijinks ensue. It's a reality-show canard that's so old it has whiskers on it, but you can't argue with proven results. Although "Surreal Life" is long gone (and featured plenty of former wrestlers in its time), "The Real World" is still kicking and every other major show from "The Bachelor" to "The Biggest Loser" features some manner of co-habitation.
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The Legends who signed up to be part of this: Tony Atlas, Hillbilly Jim, Pat Patterson, "Mean" Gene Okerlund, Jimmy Hart, "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan, ring announcer Howard Finkel and "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. The entire premise is "old weirdos in a house," so it's pretty much exactly what you expect. Which means there are some awkward, cringe-y moments to be had. Let's highlight them, shall we?
In more-or-less chronological order:
Tony Atlas' weird bedroom
Every person in the house has a large framed photograph hanging above their designated bed, with an accent headboard highlighting their gimmick, if they have one. (Duggan's headboard is 2x4s, Piper's is tartan, etc.) But they're all fairly straightforward. Tony Atlas, on the other hand, has ... this:
Jimmy Hart's hair
We expected Jimmy Hart to have a mullet. Because he's Jimmy Hart. But he's in Gene Simmons territory now.
I mean, what is even happening.
We love you, Jimmy, but ... please.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan is 100% Christian Bale in American Hustle now
One. Hundred. Percent.
Don't let this man tell you he can get you a loan.
Of all the things that shouldn't be happening on "Legends' House," Ashley is the worst thing that shouldn't be happening. She's not the host of the show, she's never been affiliated with the WWE in any capacity other than this show you're watching right now and she's unabashed lowest-common-denominator bullcrud WHEN WE ARE ALREADY WATCHING A REALITY SHOW ABOUT OVER-THE-HILL WRESTLERS.
She only appears once in this episode. She jiggles across a bridge, sits everyone down in the living room and gives them an "assignment" to deliver bundt cakes to their new Palm Springs neighbors.
In response to this, the talking-head interviews with the denizens of the house refer to her as "eye candy," "smokin' hot" and in the words of Jimmy Hart, "a blonde-haired bimbo." Real nice, old creeps. Great stuff, production team. You managed to find a layer under the bottom of the barrel. Hats off.
Jimmy Hart doesn't know what cilantro is
Their new neighbors give Hillbilly Jim and Jimmy Hart (the Jims) a bag of cilantro. Because I guess that's a thing people do in Palm Springs. Jimmy Hart insists he doesn't even know what cilantro is. It was a crucial 30 seconds of non-television, I promise you.
Roddy Piper can't operate a blender
Piper struggles with a blender while trying to make a morning protein shake for probably 20 minutes in real-time, growing increasingly exasperated. Meanwhile, Jim Duggan (Jesus, everyone in this house is named Jim) looks on and cackles in between effortlessly getting the blender to work. Nothing is better than Roddy Piper getting befuddled by appliances, man.
Nobody told Jimmy Hart not to wear the scratch logo
In 2000, a court ruled that the World Wrestling Federation had violated a 1994 agreement with the World Wildlife Fund to stop calling itself "WWF" so much and to not use "WWF" in its logos. They probably lost the court case because they basically ONLY called themselves WWF and that was their only logo. In 2002, the company changed its name to WWE. The old Hulk Hogan-era "block" WWF logo was still okay to be shown on old tapes, but the "scratch" WWF logo was prohibited, lest they get the pants sued off of them.
So long story short, Jimmy Hart packed a shirt that has been illegal for the company to use for about 12 years and at no point did a producer or cameraman or anyone go, "Uh, hey, Jimmy, why don't we try a different shirt?"
Jimmy Hart wore this shirt for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS in the first episode. Jimmy Hart's scratch logo shirt is the Snoop Doggy Dogg pot-leaf hat of our generation.
Howard Finkel shouldn't be playing tennis
The above image is not a still. It is a GIF. Wait for it. (This shot was followed by every talking-head interview suggesting Howard Finkel might be overweight.)
On second thought, none of these people should be playing tennis
Gary Busey yoga
Because it's a reality show about fading celebrity, it's required by law that Gary Busey gets involved. In this case, he shows up, bangs a gong and invites everyone to sit for some yoga and meditation. Then they all go have a lovely meal. All while he is at maximum Gary Busey and everyone else scoffs at him.
Tony Atlas' wardrobe
So basically everything Tony Atlas wears shows his nipples. That's cool. I bet being shirtless for your entire career is a tough habit to break. But then he pairs his ensembles with stuff like this:
And I just lose it. More like Tony HATlas, am I right?
Roddy Piper goes out walkin' after midnight
Piper didn't like his experience on "Legends' House," although not enough to not do press for it. It's tough to blame him, because the first episode paints him as, among other things, a "loner," a "wild card," and the X factor in the house. The episode ends with the other seven guys in the house boozing it up late at night, while Piper tosses and turns, gives a talking-head interview about being clean and sober since 2009 and pacing around the workout room nervously. Finally, he can't handle being in the house with drinking going on, so he walks off the property and into the desert.
The episode ends with Roddy Piper standing in the desert, howling at the moon.
What a weird show.