The definitive WrestleMania 30 preview (as written by a bored high school student)

Michael N. Todaro

When you need to know all you can about "the grandest stage of them all," who better to turn to than a bored high school student?

Warning: A Bored High School Student's thoughts on WrestleMania have not been edited whatsoever. Reading them will not make you smarter about professional wrestling in any way.

Hello again all you sports and entertainment fans it is time for one of the biggest sports and entertainment events of this year and every year: Wrestlemania 2014. This year marks like the 50th anniversary of the greatest wrestling show on earth as they say all the way back to the days of Roddy Roddy Piper. When I got told about this report I could not beleave my eyes and ears. Wrestlemania 2014? No way! Normally I have to write about boring stuff like English class or Spring Football 2014 but pro wrestling is my favorite thing in the world. There are many factors in why wrestling is so cool and if you do not compare and contrast them all, watch out, you are probably next on Undertaker's list...I'll explain later!!!

Wrestlemania 2014 is an event put on by WWE which stands for World Wrestlemania Entertainment. Here is more crucial information for you to compare and contrast.

  1. WWE - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

    en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WWE
    Wikipedia
    WWE, also known by its legal name of World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc., is an American publicly traded, privately controlled entertainment company that deals ...

WWE is my favorite of all the wrestling leagues. I hate TNA because it is so fake! You cannot believe anything that you see on TV with TNA. I know that WWE does some fake fighting sometimes too but they have to do that to keep everyone healthy week after week for Monday Night Raw but they are fighting for real reasons! You cannot fake the emotion and dramma of WWE and I swear most of the moves are real. You can't fake a suplex! TNA is stupid by comparison and contrast.

Also there is a new wrestling league called "ROH" that is on TV late at night. I looked it up on the internet and everyone's like this is the wrestling league of the future but how come everyone in the tiny ass crowds at those shows looks like my bus driver. He is not the future of anything. Trent says one time the bus driver got arrested at WalMart for fighting the cashier lol. Probably. CM Punk talks about ROH a lot too but honestly CM Punk looks like a bus driver too. CM Punk quit wrestling a few months ago to focus on ???? i dont know yet.

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Photo: CM Punk, idk

Wrestlemania 2014 is the culmenation of all the big time wrestling stories of the year. Here is the list of matches to take place in this year's big time wrestling event!

Pre Show Fatle 4-Way Tag Team Match

This is the match they show you for free so it is not paper view. There are many factors in is your match important enough for the big show or is not real Wrestlemania 2014. The top team in this one is the Ussos, who are Hawaiian maybe? They maybe look like it although they do not have flower necklaces. They are tagteam champions! They have to face the "L" Matadors who say "Oléy!" and have a little people bull mascot they call "L" Dorito. He does not look like chips though! This is the big mystery nobody has solved. WWE is full of mysterys!

But the match doesn't stop their! Also in the match there is Codey Rhoads and his brother, Gold Dust Rhoads. They are two halfs of the American Dream. never mind Rybackxel. That is Ryback and Curtes Axle together! Nobody likes them. The real X-factor of the match is

30 Man Andrey The Giant Battle Royal

The big news in this year's Wrestlemania 2014 is the inogural Battle Royal featuring the memorial of Andrey the Giant, the wrestler who was in some old movies then died. He was the biggest wrestler ever! Because of this they are doing a Royal Rumble right there at Wrestlemania. It has 30 guys in it and everything! The only difference is everyone is in the ring all at once to start. Some people think this is the first time putting 30 wrestlers in a ring at once has ever been attempted. Nobody can know for sure because of history: the Ultimate X Factor.

Everyone thinks the Big Show will win because he is a modern day Andrey The Giant. You cant name a event after a 500 pound guy and then some guy like Christian wins it! If that happens it might as well be the Brett Hart Memorial. RIP Brett Hart.

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Hang on I am going to get an icecream sandwich ok

Bray Wyatt vs. John Cena

It wouldn't be Wrestlemania 2014 without John Cena around to attitude adjust and take names ...and he is all out of bubble gum!!!

John Cena has to face Bray Wyatt who is one of the crucial members of Duck Dynasty. Bray looks like my cousin Ellis, he has long hair and a beard and he wears Hawaiian shirts that he never buttons. Ellis delivers pizza which is pretty awesome. My teacher says I need more aspiration but um hello it's a pizza job and I don't see my teacher eating pizza whenever she wants or growing a rad beard. You can listen to Puddle of Mudd whenever you want if you deliver Papa Johns and I don't see the teacher listening to whatever she wants. Maybe she should aspire to pizza.

Bray Wyatt has won the last two paper-views because of really good wrestling so many in wrestling are wondering "is this the end of the road for John Cena???" It might be! There is nothing you can do about the Wyatt Brothers signature move the Mister Abigail. The big mystery is how they are all brothers if they all have different last names. There is also Luke Harper and Eric Rowing. Are they family brothers or like street brothers??? My dad says to be really careful about how I word that. He gets mad at wrestling a lot.

Anyway John Cena will or won't win this match. That is the big time thesis question. There are so many factors to consider that your head may spinneroony! Sometimes there is cheating that makes John Cena lose and sometimes he wins anyway. You know you are getting his best shot all the time. And if Bray Wyatt says more counterversial things about society Vince McMan may say "YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!" I think John Cena wins.

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Brock Lesner vs. Undertaker

The WWE is calling this The Beast verse the Streak and to be honest there is no way to know who wins! That is the big question. Under Taker has been undefeated in Wrestlemania 2014 since at least 25 years ago. But he has never faced a beast like Brrrrrock Lenser (that is how his manager Paul Haymen says it in a really cool way).

The first time these two wild animles faced off they had to sign the paperwork because that is how the world works in 2014. Barack Lessner did the signing and gave the pen to Undertaker. Big mistake Bucko!!! Undertaker grabbed the pen and stabbed Brick right in th ehand with it!!!!!!! My friend Josh from prealgebra says it was fake but come on it was sticking out of his hand! Also how can you even tell, Broc was rolling around like it was really stuck in and even if he thought it was fake time you know Undertaker is evil enough to do it for real cause like what do you do if he stabs you for real, you're all "ahhhh oh man he actually did it he stabbed my hand" and the crowd is like "yaahhhhhh" because they think you're just acting really good, you're saying "owwww man go get the doctors and the ambelance this is no joke" and the boss Vince is like "yeah yeah keep it up!" and then he lights a cigar! It is impossible to compare and contrast real life and the script when the pen is in your hand... LITTERALLY!!!!

The Sheild vs. Corperate Kane and The Outlaws

Oh man. Now here is where things get really interesting. The Shealed is the top three-man gang in WWE today. They have beaten up everyone... and then some! They shoved there boss Kane and almost lost there jobs which doesnt sound that bad. Grampa Walt got fired from the garage like a hunderd years ago. Grampa Walt tells that story too much when he is loaded on Coors Banquet Beers and sometimes I think he is making up the part about throwing the muffler through some guy's car windsheild. beleave in the sheald more like car parts in the sheald! Anyway the sheald is ready to kick some b*****tt!

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There could be some shen and agains here if the corparrate guys decide they don't want to loose fair in square. That definately is the biggest factor or it is not. Can you predict it, no, nobody can! Heh that is what I call welcome to Wrestlemania 2014! They should name this match....... "Unpredictible."

Vicky Gerrarro Divas Inviteational Match

Foxy babes fighting for our enjoyment? Yes, please! Some people think A.J. Lee will or will not prevail against all odds! She has to beat everybody on the roster if they are a girl. Vicky called A.J. a bitc* because of they got in some fights a long time ago, classic Vicky. You cant trust women, that's what Uncle Wally tells me a lot. He is devorced. There are many factors why Uncle Wally comes over for dinner a lot. I think Summer Ray wins this because she is like a breath of sunshine for your eyes.

Good God Almighty

Triple HHH vs Daniel Briant

Here is the first part of the awesome main event... and nobody knows when it will happen! Triple HHH is the face of WWE and he is the Athority. That is WWE code for the big boss in charge! Everyone has an Athority in their life whether its the President Obama or your social studies teacher! There are many factors in social studies that I don't like.

Daniel Bryant is the captain of the Yes Movement which is where you point up and say yes over and over. It is the most popular thing you can do in wrestling 2014 today! It has enspired so many wrestling fans the world over and it can enspire you too. Yes yes yes! That is the call of Daniel Brient.

Triple HHH does not like this one bit because it may or may not be a challenge to his power. He did the best wrestling of everybody over the last 20 years and that is why they made him the chief corparate wrestler. Now he kicks a*s in... a suit and tie! It is a very powerful just-a-position.

Some are calling this a fight for the WWE's heart and soul in 2014. But it is not even the top prize of Wrestlemania 2014! There is a little something I like to call THE CHAMPIONSHIP. And whoever wins between Triple HHH and Daniel Brian becomes the top wild card in the Wrestlemania 2014 Main Event.

World Heavy Weight Championship: Randy K. Orton vs. Bautista vs. Wild Card

Can you believe it! If Triple HHH wins the match he fights for the title against RKO Randy Orton and Batista but if Dan Bryent wins HE fights for the title against those two guys... NOT Triple HHH! This has to be the first time in Wrestlemania history that you dont know who can be the champion at the end! It is anybody's ball game that is for sure. Sorry basketball but this is the real March Madness 2014!!

Dave "Batista" Batista came back from retirement a couple months ago and won Royal Rumble 2014. That probably has to be seen as the top test of manhood by some. Fans do not like Batista because left and came back so they probably dont like C.M. Punk when he does or does not come back soon. No traders in the WWE is the common cry!

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Randy K Orton is a loose cannin that you can't trust! They call him a viper but if you ask me he is unpredictable like a snake! He could do his RKO which is his initials at any time and then the match is over unless it is not. Can you kick out of RKO at Wrestlemania 2014??? I bet not bucko! But then the triple threat maybe kicks in and someone stops the pin! You never know. That is the big mystery of Wrestlemania 2014.

If Triple HHH is in this match Trent said he will turn it off because that will be stupid but if it is Daniel Brying it will be the best excitement wrestling has ever seen! Daniel does flying kicks better than anybody in WWE 2014 and he is the fan favorite. He is only 5 feet tall so if he gets hit with a RKO or the Bautista Move it is Lights Out Larry time for him for sure! Short people are easy to knock out in fights. You should not tell a short people that or they will get angry and you will have detention. That is a factor some people learn the hard way!

This could be the biggest wrestling day in many years? It could maybe not be too. You better buy the paper view to find out! That is the top message to take away from this all. WWE Wrestlemania 2014 promises lots of thrills, chills and spills for you to compare and contrast in the comfort of your living room. Yes yes yes!

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