WWE Extreme Rules 2014: The full rundown and why you should care

The sixth edition of WWE Extreme Rules takes place on Sunday night, kicking off the WWE Network era of "Special Events." Here's everything you need to know.

Update: The complete results, and everything else we learned from WWE's Extreme Rules.

The "Extreme Rules" pay-per-view began in 2009 as a continuation of the "One Night Stand" event; a means of keeping the defunct-but-somehow-resurrected-for-a-while ECW alive for wrestling fans. Most Extreme Rules events featured predominantly hardcore or no-holds-barred matches. This year, things look a little different. Almost every match has some sort of stipulation, but it won't be nearly as "extreme" as its title would indicate. (Particularly since there has been an embargo on blood in the WWE for over half a decade now.)

The "Special Event" takes place on Sunday night, with the main show beginning at 8 p.m. ET. (WWE may begin moving away from the term "pay-per-view," as cable providers are beginning to drop the PPVs after the launch of the WWE Network. Many large providers, like Time Warner Cable and Charter, will still carry the PPV, however. Click here for a list of providers.) If you subscribe to the WWE Network (only $10 a month!), you get Extreme Rules live, for free, plus a free pre-show match that begins at 7:30 p.m. ET. If you STILL can't get enough, the WWE Network will have an hour-long aftershow.

Here's the full card for Sunday's Special Event and everything you need to know about each match.

Pre-Show "WeeLC" Match: El Torito vs. Hornswoggle

What am I looking at here? Okay, this one's a little hard to explain. There's going to be two masked bullfighters called Los Matadores. They'll be escorting a little person dressed as a tiny bull to the ring. That's El Torito. He was previously a very successful "minis" wrestler in Mexico under the names Mascarita Dorada and Mascarita Sagrada. Now he's a bull. There will be another little person dressed like Mark Wahlberg from the movie Rock Star. That's Hornswoggle. He used to be a literal leprechaun who lived under the WWE ring. Then he was granted the gift of speech by Santa Claus. No, none of this makes sense. He'll be accompanied to the ring by a trio of similarly-dressed gentlemen known as 3MB, or the Three Man band.

Why you should care: Because El Torito is a really fantastic wrestler? I don't know. It might end up being an okay match or if nothing else, a short train wreck. I really recommend watching this match on mute, because the WWE commentators don't tend to be very appropriate when little people are involved. Hey, maybe you're super into puns about small things and this match is right up your alley.

Triple Threat Match: Cesaro vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Jack Swagger

What am I looking at here? Cesaro is a ridiculously strong Swiss man who does things like this on the regular. He won the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal at WrestleMania in April and picked up Paul Heyman as a manager. He was previously in a tag team called The Real Americans with Jack Swagger and Swagger's manager, right-wing hatemonger and xenophobe Zeb Colter. Rob Van Dam, or RVD, was a staple of ECW back when that was a thing. He's renowned for his love of marijuana and his affinity for a skullet and tights with yin-yangs and dragons airbrushed onto them.

Why you should care: Because Cesaro is going to bust out one million feats of strength in a decisive victory en route to bigger and better things. If he doesn't Giant Swing both of his opponents at the same time, I'll eat any number of hats. Just sit back and let a guy be stupidly strong, why don't you.

2-on-1 Handicap Match: R-Truth and Xavier Woods vs. Alexander Rusev

What am I looking at here? Alexander Rusev is new on the scene. He's "The Bulgarian Brute" and is managed by Lana, who has an Ivan Drago's wife-like control over Rusev, who -- let's be honest -- is pretty much Ivan Drago, but three times as wide. R-Truth and Xavier Woods are best friends or something who are getting fed to Rusev so he can maul them.

Why you should care: Sort of what I said above about a guy being strong, but with more mauling. This match will be short and Rusev is probably going to beat these guys up real bad.

Divas Championship: Paige (c) vs. Tamina Snuka

What am I looking at here? Paige is the short, pale one. She's also the champion. She's brand new on the scene, having just been called up from NXT (the minor leagues of the WWE). She won the Divas Championship on her first night on the main roster, beating AJ Lee, who at that point was the longest-reigning Divas Champion in history. Tamina Snuka is the daughter of Jimmy Snuka and the erstwhile bodyguard of the aforementioned AJ Lee. She's much bigger than Paige.

Why you should care: Paige is the best wrestler on the WWE roster in some time. Possibly ever. This is her first real test as champion, so you may as well throw her in against the only legitimate bruiser that the Divas division has. This will be most people's long look at Paige, so let's hope for good things in this match.

Intercontinental Championship: Big E (c) vs. Bad News Barrett

What am I looking at here? Big E is about 95% chest meat. (Also he'll be the one with the belt.) Bad News Barrett is a repackaged Wade Barrett, which WWE had brilliantly kept out of the ring for months and months, instead having him pop up on each show to deliver some bad news to us happy-go-lucky fans. (Here he is giving some bad news to Donald Sterling, if you might like that sort of thing.) Barrett returned to action right after WrestleMania and has looked like a million bucks ever since. He won an eight-man tournament to become the No. 1 contender to Big E's Intercontinental Championship.

Why you should care: Both of these gentlemen have been lost in the shuffle over the past year and could both benefit a great deal from a high-profile match like this. Barrett is expected to win. If he does, this would be his fourth reign as Intercontinental Champion. Let's hope it goes better than the previous three.

Steel Cage Match: John Cena vs. Bray Wyatt

What am I looking at here? John Cena is the star of major motion pictures The Marine and 12 Rounds. You might know him from boxes of Fruity Pebbles. Bray Wyatt is the creepy cult leader of the Wyatt Family, who has been getting the crowds more and more behind him with every week. Cena wants to prove to everyone that Bray isn't someone they should follow. He hopes to prove this by defeating Bray inside a steel cage, where the other members of the Wyatt Family can't interfere.

Why you should care: Because these two guys always bring the thunder and the crowd should be pretty amped up to see Cena lose. Spoiler: Cena probably won't lose. Some people are hoping that this feud might be leading up to Cena's long-awaited heel turn. That's absolutely not going to happen, but it's fun to pretend.

WWE World Heavyweight Championship Extreme Rules Match: Daniel Bryan (c) vs. Kane

What am I looking at here? Daniel Bryan is the little guy with the beard and the two championship belts that make up the biggest title in the company (don't ask). Kane is the big, scary masked guy who used to be Corporate Kane and before that was Daniel Bryan's tag team partner. (And before that was the unmasked scary guy and before that was the masked happy-go-lucky guy and before that was the even-more-masked scary guy who was Undertaker's burned and long-thought-dead brother. And before that, he was the fake Diesel and an evil dentist. Crap, we've gone too far. Abort! Abort!) Kane has been unleashed on Bryan by Stephanie McMahon and the Authority, who want to destroy the champion for various reasons.

Why you should care: This is Daniel Bryan's first title defense since winning it all at WrestleMania. As is usually the case, he's looking to go out there and tear the house down. This match should be pretty intense with all the history between the two men and the added involvement of Stephanie McMahon. I mean, Kane also tried to drag Bryan's new wife to literal Hell last week, too. But it's best we don't get into that.

The Shield vs. Evolution

What am I looking at here? Evolution are Triple H, Randy Orton and Batista, three of the biggest stars of the past however-many years it's been. The Shield are Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins. they wear flak jackets and enter through the crowd.

Why you should care: These two factions have been going at one another for a while now. The Shield has been on a pretty unparalleled run of fantastic six-man tag team matches, so this should be no exception. This is the main event over the world title match for a good reason. Things will probably get completely bonkers. Seth Rollins will land on his neck at least three times. There will probably be a sledgehammer involved. All in all, it's going to be a perfect ending to a nice, wholesome night of pro wrestling. And you'll be over three hours removed from the WeeLC match and probably won't remember it at all! That's good news, right? Right.

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