Sunday night's Money in the Bank pay-per-view featured two ladder matches, an unexpected amount of blood and some wonderful performances from a handful of younger stars. In the end, though?
But it's okay. It'll be okay. Shhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhh. Dry those eyes, people. Let's look back at Money in the Bank and try to make sense of it all.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) def. The Wyatt Family
Many predicted that the Wyatt Family of Luke Harper and Erick Rowan might walk away with the tag titles on Sunday night, but it appears they're going to have to wait a bit longer. The champs retained and all four men looked great.
What we learned: This feud (which will almost certainly continue, as there are only two other tag teams on the main roster at the moment and WWE doesn't seem interested in doing much with RybAxel) is definitely a worthy successor to the Wyatts/Shield feud, which was one of the greatest sustained tag team/stable feuds in recent WWE history. These teams work wonderfully together and successfully make the Wyatts look like monsters. It also provides an extended spotlight for Harper, who is quietly one of the very best wrestlers in the world right now. A great opener and if nothing else, a reminder that the Tag Team Championship is in good hands for the time being.
Divas Championship Match: Paige (c) def. Naomi
The first match of the night where the result was never really in much doubt. This was a surprisingly good match that served to make Paige continue to look strong and show off a third finisher: a sweet cradle DDT.
What we learned: Something weird is going on with the Funkadactyls and a breakup is almost certainly on the way. Cameron looked bored during the match, unreasonably pleased when her tag team partner lost and looked exceedingly disingenuous while consoling Naomi afterwards. Cameron actually got to show off a lot of neat offense we've never seen from her before, including a split-legged moonsault and some submission holds. The Divas division is only getting better and is slowly training fans to appreciate longer, better women's matches before the spectacularly talented NXT talent moves onto the main roster Divas division.
Adam Rose def. Paul Revere (Damien Sandow)
Sandow's identity crisis continued in Boston, as he came out dressed as "Paul Revere" and faced Adam Rose in an unannounced match.
What we learned: No one is sure what's going on with Sandow at this point and people (especially on the Internet) continue to not be 100% sold on Adam Rose. Personally, I think both things are fine at the moment and they wrestled a perfectly competent match that saw the heel get his comeuppance after insulting the local crowd. It's just Wrestling 101, folks. Both men could use an actual feud at this point (not with each other, necessarily, but whatever) as they continue to tread water but be entertaining while doing so. Or maybe Sandow can finally find his calling in life as a member of one of the Exotic Express Rosebuds.
Money in the Bank Ladder Match: Seth Rollins def. Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Rob Van Dam, Kofi Kingston and Jack Swagger
Rollins and Triple H proved themselves to be men of their word, as Rollins captured the briefcase and accompanying WWE World Heavyweight Championship title shot after winning a grueling, fantastic ladder match (with a little help from his Authority pal, Kane).
What we learned: Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose are destined to be stars. The crowd heat was off the charts any time these two locked up and was DYING to see Ambrose win the match. When it looked like victory was in Ambrose's grasp, everyone was going bonkers, which made it even more gutting when Kane's pyro went off and he came down to interfere. The reaction on Twitter was particularly entertaining. It is Rollins' time to shine right now and the one-on-one feud between him and Ambrose (possibly for the briefcase) is going to be spectacular. The groundswell of support for Ambrose is something really special right now and sort of proves what a big deal the Shield was. It looks like all three of the former members of the Shield are destined to be megastars, as well they should be.
As for the Kane interference, it's actually the perfectly correct thing to do. It cements Rollins as a dastardly heel who, although he is wiling to put his body on the line (he really took some ridiculous bumps in this match), may be leaning a bit too heavily on his friends in high places at the moment. Further, Kane interfering in the match to help Rollins to victory could be a longview bit of history that will sow the seeds of Rollins' eventual splitting from Triple H and the Authority. You never know.
Oh, also: everyone still loves Dolph Ziggler. A lot. He may not get another run on top for a few years, but if he chooses to stay with the company (it will be his choice, by the way; WWE knows what they have in him and he will ALWAYS have the support of the crowd and serve as a main eventer in a "break glass in case of emergency" situation), he will be an all-time great. If nothing else, he'll be fine and continues to have the crowd in the palm of his hand any time he wants. Stop worrying about Dolph Ziggler, guys: he's doing great.
Goldust and Stardust def. Ryback and Curtis Axel
The Dust Brothers/Rhodes Bros. continue to look good and excel at being weirdos. They picked up the win over RybAxel (again) to keep their momentum alive. Against RybAxel.
What we learned: The Rhodes Bros. probably need to get a different opponent. Nothing against RybAxel but fans can only watch the same matchup so many times. Except John Cena vs. Randy Orton, of course. That one never gets old. (NOTE: That was sarcasm.) Let's get the Dust Brothers into a title feud and get RybAxel something new to do.
Also, Curt Axel is now wearing a singlet similar to his father, Mr. Perfect. But it could still use some better fitting up top.
TOO HOT FOR TV.
Rusev def. Big E
A rematch from last month's Payback, two big guys who are good at beating one another up ended with Rusev's undefeated streak still intact.
What we learned: As with the previous match, these two need something new to do. Sometimes you can have a couple of really talented people go at it, but there's just no reason for anyone to care. Let's get these guys involved with something that has some stakes. Or steaks. An eating contest might be fun.
No, scratch that idea. That's stupid. Don't listen to me, WWE. Please.
Layla def. Summer Rae (with special guest referee Fandango)
This was what it was. Not on the level of the first Divas match of the night but something to give the crowd a breather before the main event. Layla won the battle of potential Fandango girlfriends and Fandango got to wear awesome pants with his referee shirt.
What we learned: Maybe the feud is over. Maybe it isn't. It probably should be. We'll find out on "Raw!"
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Ladder Match: John Cena def. Bray Wyatt, Randy Orton, Kane, Roman Reigns, Cesaro, Sheamus and Alberto Del Rio
Never in doubt. Had it all the way.
What we learned: That WWE can make it explicitly clear that John Cena is winning the title, can do everything to prepare you for that short of saying on television, "Yo, Cena's gonna win" and the Internet will STILL freak the hell out when Cena wins. Seriously, the Twitter vitriol was off the charts, even from (especially from) the people who predicted the correct result and joked about how it was inevitable. Cena backlash is always expected but when he grabbed the belts, you'd think he just killed everyone on Twitter's dog. At once.
Wrasslin' Story Time
Wrasslin' Story Time
Here's the thing: it's going to be okay. Of the people in this match, Cena's the one who should be carrying the title right now. Because he's about to be fed to Brock Lesnar, which will ultimately get the titles back onto Daniel Bryan. (If you're concerned about Bryan saying he may need another surgery on the Money in the Bank pre-show, wait until he's actually out for six months before being upset he's out for six months). Randy Orton, Kane or Sheamus title runs would be lame ducks at this point, Del Rio is on his way out and would be an even lamer duck and it's too early for Wyatt, Cesaro or Reigns to be THE GUY. Everyone in this match got a chance to shine and don't worry, the latter three gentlemen I mentioned will almost certainly get their time with the Championship (especially Reigns).
For now, sit back and be content with the knowledge that Cena is probably going to get mauled by Brock Lesnar at SummerSlam. Or else I'm wrong and everything will be terrible forever. Either way, we got to see everyone fall off a ladder a bunch, so we're the REAL winners.