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Sucked Into the NFL's Black Hole, Week 9

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Everything on this planet is soon going to disappear into a massive black hole. Each Monday, we’ll present those football-related elements that have already been swallowed into the abyss. ↵

↵Cowboys’ Playoff Hopes. The only thing keeping Dallas from being the most pathetic team in football yesterday was Oakland, which sacrifices its own pride on a weekly basis to make every other team look at least mediocre by comparison. I mean, at least the Cowboys scored an offensive touchdown. But aside from that questionable roughing-the passer-aided drive, Dallas looked absolutely abysmal in what boiled down to its biggest game of the season, thus far. The defense appeared as if it just decided to quit, realizing that no matter how well it played, they weren’t going to overcome the disastrous Johnson-Bollinger-led offense. ↵

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↵So yes, it’s a bit rash to say this team isn’t going to make the playoffs considering the unpredictable nature of this season and the fact that the Cowboys are God’s team, but let me just say this: The Cowboys aren’t going to make the playoffs. They’ll likely be getting Tony Romo back after the bye in two weeks, just in time to play the Skins in D.C., but it will be too little too late. I’d say giving them four wins from their remaining schedule -- at Washington, vs. S.F., vs. Seattle, at Pittsburgh, vs. Giants, vs. Ravens, at Philly -- would be generous. That would leave them with a 9-7 record in an NFC where there’s a decent chance a 10-win team will be left out of the postseason. ↵

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↵Chad Johnson’s Blues ... For a Week, at Least. The Bengals finally came up with a win, and Johnson finally came through for Ocho Cinco fantasy owners everywhere, scoring TDs two and three on the season. On top of that, the maligned Cedric Benson rushed for a 100 yards in a game for the first time since Week 2 of last season. Now, if the Ravens and Steelers can just completely implode, Cincy could be staring at an 8-8 playoff berth. ↵

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↵Mike Holmgren Going Out on Top. Even in the feeblest division in football -- a division in which the 2-6 Seahawks are in second place and the buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals is dominating -- Seattle still can’t muster ... well ... anything close to decency. After an opening 90-yard TD bomb to Koren Robinson, it went steeply downhill for the Seahawks. They punted 11 consecutive times at one point and ultimately lost 26-7. Of course, it’s difficult to win football games without your Pro Bowl QB and best defensive player in Lofa Tatupa. ↵

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↵Sex Cannon Runnin’ With the Second Team. Kyle ‘Neckbeard’ Orton went down with a sprained ankle yesterday, and will stay down for about a month, thus leaving the Bears with Rex ‘Sex Cannon’ Grossman as the team’s starting QB. Depending on which Grossman shows up over the next four weeks or so, this could be either good or bad news for Chicago fans. But for the rest of us who enjoy the satirical stylings of KSK, it’s fantastic news. ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.