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Who Will Replace Urban Meyer? Here's Who We've Ruled Out

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In the wake of Urban Meyer's resignation as Florida's head coach, the Internet is exploding with speculation regarding his eventual successor. Names are flying about; everyone from Bob Stoops to Charlie Strong to Jon Gruden is being discussed.

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So let's throw on the brakes for a moment to get some perspective. Here is a quick list of folks who can be definitively be ruled out:

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Name: Tim Tebow
You know him from: Florida football, that guy you know who barely knows anything about college football but still enjoys talking about it
Why he won't coach Florida: Too busy sitting at the right hand of God, answering prayers, and helping people win at roulette

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Name: Kool-Aid Man
You know him from: Kool-Aid commercials
Why he won't coach Florida: He does not exist in real life; he is an anthropomorphic glass pitcher; he lacks the ability to get the most of his players, since he is an anthropomorphic glass pitcher

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Name: This guy Chad I know
I know him from: He's Josh's friend who I met at the mall the other day
Why he won't coach Florida: That dude is a douchebag; that dude sucks

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Name: Boof Bonser
You know him from: The Minnesota Twins
Why he won't coach Florida: Nevermind, he's being considered now

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Name: Urban Meyer
You know him from: Florida football (former head coach)
Why he won't coach Florida: Have you even been paying attention? God!

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(For informed speculation on who is in the discussion, read on.)