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ESPN to Go Full Monty on World Cup

A member of the media will end up being robbed by hookers at the World Cup. And after this interview, there's significantly more chance of it being an ESPN staffer. Don't look so offended. Two cardinal truths underlie this fact: one, every group trip I've ever heard of in South Africa had one idiot who decided to get a prostitute, and regretted it when they woke up walletless and tied to a strange bed without a passport or a valid excuse explaining why they ended up in said situation. What happens in Pretoria stays in Pretoria, unless you lose your credit cards and return to a very angry wife and $35,000 in charges to "Transvaal State Personal Escort Services" to explain. ↵

↵(This may also have something to do with the people I hang out with, aka "people who make mistakes with frequency and grandiosity." They're ↵fun!) ↵

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↵The second essential truth? ESPN is giving the 2010 World Cup the Olympics treatment, doing emotional personal interest stories on one player from all 32 Cup teams, and ensuring that if you had a shortage of stories about athletes overcoming cancer, poverty, AIDS, war, animal attacks, and other demons in your life, then you're in luck. ↵Just hear Chris Connelly's voice as he says "Mahmoud Qatari thought he had it tough under Saddam, but then he fled Iraq to live with his half- brother in North Korea. Did we mention that Mahmoud was a Bengal Tiger with cancer and a dream of watching his brother play in the World Cup one day? And had to overcome the discrimination facing half-tiger, half-Iraqi citizens of North Korea? And this is before we get into the Segway accident that changed all their lives forever." ↵

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↵Anyway, you'll get plenty of that, as well as Sportscenter live from South Africa. Chris Berman, if he dares to make the trip, could now be theoretically attacked by a lion on air. Dear ESPN: I will sit through all 32 heart-rending "Emo porn" stories about soccer players' hellish upbringings if you rub Chris Berman with bacon and throw him into the crowd wearing a suit made of American dollars. I'm not alone, either. ↵I mean, as a semi-enthusiastic soccer fan who goes ape for the World Cup every four years, I'm already sold on the idea of wall-to-wall Copa coverage. Throw in the mortal danger posed by operating in the African theatre, and I'm wearing a catheter and putting in an IV for the month of July 2010 and plopping down on the couch for the duration. It's as close as you can get to the excitement of world war anymore, and with only half the casualties if the English and Germans behave themselves. ↵

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↵(H/T to Unprofessional Foul) ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.