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Heroic Irish Wake Up the Echoes of World War II in Victory over Dastardly Japanese

Welcome to another episode of THE SPORTING NEWSREEL! Today, we have received inspiring news from the PTO! In the first battle between hated Japan and the great United States in the 64 years since V-J Day, the United States, led by the historically tempermental Irish, defeated Japan's fearsome arsenal by a 19-3 score.

According to our intrepid reporters who selflessly put their lives and livelihoods in harm's way, the hero of the battle was decorated lieutenant Jay Vickers, who used his superior athleticism and good, old-fashion American ingenuity to rack up 139 yards and one touchdown.

Said 5-star general and longtime American hero Lou Holtz, long known for his proud, boastful statements:
⇥I expected us to win but I knew it would be a tough game," Holtz said. "We're bigger but they were quicker and I give a lot of credit to Japan."
Japanese reaction was mainly limited to questions like "Why are we playing football?", "Why are you doing this to us?", and "Didn't anybody tell you Tojo died decades ago? You know the war's been over for forever, right?" But America doesn't answer questions from hostile nations, we ask the questions... with bombs!

For now, our troops will return home for a hero's welcome while the Japanese soldiers are forced to live with the shame brought upon their nation. Tsk, tsk, Japan! Next time, you may think twice about challenging the Irish!

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.