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Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, Big Ten Edition

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Take it from someone who went last year: conference media days are not ↵an event. Yes, they involve a large number of people descending on one ↵place and participating in one common activity and thus meet the ↵"technical" "definition" of an event, but think outside the bun here. ↵Not an event.
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↵Take it from longtime central Pennsylvania crank David ↵Jones: ↵
↵⇥I think he's [Tressel] an android. One of these days, someone is ↵⇥going to finally push him over the edge and he's going to snap and ↵⇥try to stuff a rolled-up magazine down the guy's throat and then ↵⇥milky conductor fluid is going to start spurting out his mouth and ↵⇥his head'll pop off exposing all the wiring and then millions of ↵⇥fans will be stunned. I will not. ↵
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↵Yeah: not an event. They're even worse than SEC media days, during which ↵coaches sit for extended periods; here, it's 15 minutes and out, with an ↵opening statement eating up a goodly chunk of that -- if you're Tim ↵Brewster last year, 60 percent of it. ↵

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↵But the media days do happen. They are, in fact, happening today. Thus ↵far I've been treated to an unknown Big Ten Network analyst calling ↵Tate Forcier "an unguided missile," and Greg Robinson "a beautiful ↵mind." I think he has motivational Tourette's. ↵

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↵There is nothing of import here except the occasional inanity, zinger, ↵or stretch so boring that people start jabbing pens into their eyes just to ↵remember what it felt like to feel something. So let's play COACH MATCH. ↵

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↵Here's one quote from each Big Ten head coach. Gotta match 'em all! ↵

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↵1. "Get your dad-gum chili hot! Get your dad-gum chili hot."
↵2. "A winning season in 2009 would be a way to have a special ↵season."
↵3. "We're very happy with the guys who are still here."
↵4. "I want to make it crystal clear that I voted for Tim Tebow."
↵5. "I have a tattoo of a Hawkeye on my left calf; it seemed like a ↵good idea when I was 19."
↵6. "Any time you challenge yourself, it's a positive thing."
↵7. "As a football coach, you love coaching football."
↵8. "One of the reasons we've been able to have success is our ↵tradition."
↵9. "I'm not quite sure where we are."
↵10. "Maybe I should have just said yes."
↵11. "This is the first time we've had enough good players that we've ↵had to decide which three to bring here." ↵

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↵And now for the answers... ↵

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↵1. Tim Brewster; this was actually a BTN interstitial.
↵2. Danny Hope defying his last name
↵like whoa.
↵3. Rich Rodriguez, obviously.
↵4. Pat Fitzgerald with the zinger!
↵5. Bret Bielema, who has not made a bold decision (hello, Cal-Poly) ↵since.
↵6. Jim Tressel living up to Jones' assessment above.
↵7. Indiana's Bill Lynch, who believes the reason Tressel's won the ↵conference four straight years is his press conference demeanor.
↵8. Mark Dantonio. No, seriously, Michigan State's head coach claimed ↵"tradition" as a reason for success instead of a reason for inexplicably ↵going 6-6.
↵9. Joe Paterno, obviously.
↵10. Kirk Ferentz, responding to the 11th question from the same dip ↵about whether the SEC is ever going to lose a game again.
↵11. Ron Zook, apparently unaware Illinois went to the Rose Bowl two ↵years ago. ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.