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Secondary Violations Span the Nation

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The most popular topic this college football offseason -- outside of ↵Congress's attempts to reclaim its crown as America's most ridiculous ↵institution by badgering the BCS and the reigning champion every 20 ↵minutes -- has been the secondary violation. It's the preferred publicity ↵tool of Lane Kiffin, ↵a completely useless sham, and great for locking down Saban-trashing recruits. ↵

↵The latest school to show its mildly objectionable underbelly is South ↵Carolina, which was FOIA'd into revealing a variety of secondary ↵violations, amongst them the improbably petty "impermissible snacks." The NCAA will ↵have none of your Fruit By The Foot, Gamecocks. ↵

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↵Well, we at The Sporting Blog have armies of lawyers*, patience for the ↵process**, and complete and total inability to tell a lie***, so we ↵FOIA'd the entire country in search of dastardly acts. A dossier of ↵malfeasance revealed: ↵

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↵LSU: charged with "general enormity" for employing the services of 6'7", 370 pounds-on-a-diet-and-the-moon Herman Johnson. ↵

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↵Hawaii: guilty of "preposterous apostrophization" ↵

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↵Northwestern Louisiana State: assessed five-year bowl ban and ↵reduced scholarships for the Reggie Bush case due to "peripheral ↵unimportance" ↵

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↵Ohio State: socked with a "failure to execute" several hockey ↵players who sneaked into a Nickelback concert, thus forfeiting their ↵lives, fortune, and sacred honor in one fell swoop (seriously, this actually happened and was reported by OSU.) ↵

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↵USC: penalized for "illegal secretions" when it was discovered ↵players were drinking Taylor Mays's sweat to enhance strength and ↵speed. ↵

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↵Texas Tech: lost its boat license for "pillaging and looting" off ↵the coast of Somalia and Corpus Christi ↵

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↵Washington: lost entire 2009 recruiting class for "hiring a golf ↵pro" instead of a football coach ↵

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↵Oregon: censured for "illegal distribution" of hallucinogens to ↵players and students in the form of mindbending uniforms. ↵

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↵Utah: fined by INS for "Samoan cramming" ↵

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↵All of this is obviously true, except for the USC stuff. The NCAA ↵actually gave them a bubble bath after finding them guilty of being ↵"incredibly, wonderfully pristine." ↵

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↵*(no lawyers)
↵**(no patience)
↵***(this is as much of a lie as Joan Rivers' face OH SNAP.) ↵

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↵(Impermissible snacks HT: The Joe Cribbs Car Wash) ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.