↵The latest school to show its mildly objectionable underbelly is South ↵Carolina, which was FOIA'd into revealing a variety of secondary ↵violations, amongst them the improbably petty "impermissible snacks." The NCAA will ↵have none of your Fruit By The Foot, Gamecocks. ↵
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↵↵Well, we at The Sporting Blog have armies of lawyers*, patience for the ↵process**, and complete and total inability to tell a lie***, so we ↵FOIA'd the entire country in search of dastardly acts. A dossier of ↵malfeasance revealed: ↵
↵↵LSU: charged with "general enormity" for employing the services of 6'7", 370 pounds-on-a-diet-and-the-moon Herman Johnson. ↵
↵↵Hawaii: guilty of "preposterous apostrophization" ↵
↵↵Northwestern Louisiana State: assessed five-year bowl ban and ↵reduced scholarships for the Reggie Bush case due to "peripheral ↵unimportance" ↵
↵↵Ohio State: socked with a "failure to execute" several hockey ↵players who sneaked into a Nickelback concert, thus forfeiting their ↵lives, fortune, and sacred honor in one fell swoop (seriously, this actually happened and was reported by OSU.) ↵
↵↵USC: penalized for "illegal secretions" when it was discovered ↵players were drinking Taylor Mays's sweat to enhance strength and ↵speed. ↵
↵↵Texas Tech: lost its boat license for "pillaging and looting" off ↵the coast of Somalia and Corpus Christi ↵
↵↵Washington: lost entire 2009 recruiting class for "hiring a golf ↵pro" instead of a football coach ↵
↵↵Oregon: censured for "illegal distribution" of hallucinogens to ↵players and students in the form of mindbending uniforms. ↵
↵↵Utah: fined by INS for "Samoan cramming" ↵
↵↵All of this is obviously true, except for the USC stuff. The NCAA ↵actually gave them a bubble bath after finding them guilty of being ↵"incredibly, wonderfully pristine." ↵
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↵*(no lawyers)
↵**(no patience)
↵***(this is as much of a lie as Joan Rivers' face OH SNAP.)
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↵(Impermissible snacks HT: The Joe Cribbs Car Wash) ↵
↵This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.