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Isiah Thomas Has the NCAA Rules Under Control

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Florida International fans, if there are any, have suffered nothing but ↵indignity since their school jumped into the deep end of college athletics ↵with nothing more than some floaties. They've failed to ever notch a ↵winning season in football, brawled with Miami, and cut their band and ↵cheerleaders*. ↵
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↵Oh, and the basketball team sort of hired Isiah Thomas -- he's working for ↵free -- to mold their program into a Knicks-like powerhouse. How's that going? ↵Well, Thomas is learning the rules: ↵
↵⇥"It's educational," he said. "I'm learning a whole new set of rules ↵⇥from the difference between state institutions and private ↵⇥institutions, along with learning the rules within the NCAA." ↵⇥
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↵⇥The NCAA rule book has been considered daunting by many, but Thomas ↵⇥said, "it's no more confusing than the salary cap." ↵
↵This seems like it will work out well. ↵
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↵Wait! What's this? A newspaper from the future? ↵
↵⇥MIAMI (AP) - It's over. Finally, it's over. At 9 AM this morning, a ↵⇥limb-strewn field in what had been a populous Miami suburb erupted ↵⇥in a ragged cheer as cleanup crews looked up from their morbid ↵⇥duties to witness the plume of jet fuel that took what had been ↵⇥Florida's fourth-largest university into the sun. ↵⇥
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↵⇥Thousands of victims' families breathed a sigh of relief as Florida ↵⇥International University was shot into space today after the NCAA ↵⇥rejected the Panthers' last appeal in the infractions case that ↵⇥rocked a nation. ↵⇥
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↵⇥"Never again," said NCAA president Myles Brand. "We will never ↵⇥forget." ↵⇥
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↵⇥Former FIU basketball head coach and President-elect Isiah Thomas ↵⇥had no comment, but did mention he was picking up the nuances of ↵⇥global geopolitics quickly. "It's no more confusing than the NCAA ↵⇥rule book," he said. ↵
↵What's this? Another newspaper from the future? ↵
↵⇥WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - APOCALYPSE ↵
↵Ha ha not really -- there won't be newspapers in the future! But I do have ↵a time machine and saw that online somewhere. No, seriously: I have a ↵time machine. ↵
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↵*(The cheerleaders were saved after a bikini car wash. AMERICA! FIU bandos: do not try this at home, or in public.)↵

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.