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"Touch My Baby, Paul Johnson": A Play In One Act

↵Georgia Tech, in keeping with the times, has an activity where the ↵players walk from some location near the stadium to a location inside ↵the stadium along a path where fans can cluster and shout ↵encouragements or, depending on how things are going, questions about ↵that holding penalty against Clemson. ↵

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↵Since this is Georgia Tech, attendees are 1) sparse and 2) nerdy. I ↵say this with all affection for nerds. I am in your number. Sometimes ↵they have babies, and sometimes they think head coach Paul Johnson is George Lucas ↵or something: ↵

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↵ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵⇥ ↵ ↵
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↵Presenting... ↵

Paul Johnson's Internal Monologue On September 26th, 2009

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↵Oh no. Not again. ↵

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↵ ↵

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↵Oh God. I can see him from here. Is that the same baby? Is it a ↵different baby? It's a different baby. I swear to God it is. This is ↵like the third one so far. This guy has either manufactured a baby from ↵scrap iron and old 486 motherboards or stolen one. Or has a harem. ↵ ↵

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↵This is Georgia Tech. Definitely not a harem. ↵

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↵Probably the first one, the one with the spare chips. I didn't ↵even know what a motherboard was before I got here. I thought it was ↵that thing everyone was outraged at George Bush about. ↵

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↵Oh God. I keep walking closer. Are my players high ↵fiving the baby? ↵

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↵ ↵

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↵Holy God. My players are high-fiving the baby. This is bad. This ↵changes the dynamic. The idea of physical contact has been broached. ↵ ↵

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↵Doesn't this guy have a restraining order? Can't I... recruiting. ↵Dammit. "Paul Johnson tosses baby to the ground" in USA Today. ↵Paragraph where they mention it was a nefarious robot is on page 17. ↵ ↵

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↵I haven't even done anything. Sure, I did pretty well last year. ↵I'm not Chan Gailey. If Reggie Ball was my quarterback he'd throw it ↵four times a game. All of these things are laudable character traits. ↵But isn't it a bit early to be handing out benedictions? Urban Meyer, ↵sure, that guy has to touch babies all the time, I bet. I'm just an ↵above-average coach in the ACC. Wake Forest has one of those! ↵

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↵Okay, okay. Suck it up. ↵

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↵ ↵

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↵We're going to make it, you and I, robot baby. If I can become ↵coach at a BCS school running the triple option, I can do this. ↵

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↵I can do this. ↵

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↵ ↵

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↵Hey, that wasn't so bad. Looks like the the ACC is going to get a ↵bad case... ↵

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↵...of colic. ↵

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↵(HTs: Barrel ↵of Rum and Blutarsky. ↵What the last picture is about here.) ↵

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.