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The Worst Possible NBA Jam One-Liners

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Earlier this week, CNBC's Darren Rovell reported that the producers behind the new NBA Jam -- scheduled for release this Fall -- are allowing fans to write the game's one-line zingers. So in an effort to one-up the "CAN'T BUY A BUCKET"s and "GRAAABS THE REBOUND"s of the original version, people are flocking to the contest's Facebook page to submit their own entries.


Facebook has lately been the target of scrutiny on account of its lax privacy/security measures, so I figured I'd hack into the contest and see what sorts of submissions people are entering. It was remarkably easy (it's the 2010s, dudes; setting your password as "fartboogerspowerrangerswacofart" is so 1993). The contest has segmented its entries for dunks, assists, alley-oops, etc. Here are some submitted entries I found in the database. Some are interesting, some are confusing, and others are just plain awful.


Dunks: "Put the thing inside of the other thing, Jerome!"

Assists: "Clean your gutters, because Strom Thurmond is nursing a kitten to health!"

Alley-oops: "As my pudding-headed grandson would say, 'neato'!"

Blocks: "Hey, what's he... oh. That isn't a very nice thing to do."

2-point field goals: "what is a 2-point field goal, is that like what steven nash does"

3-point field goals: "is eating a super yummy cup of yogurt! Only 95 yummy calories! Yummy! wait, this isn't my status page, how do i backspace? maybe i hit this key"

3-point shot: "Any ball that travels this far ought to serve peanuts and pretzels! (could you make the basketball be an airplane when this happens? thanks in advance)"

Layups: "whatever headline Free Darko used today"


"On Fire" shots: "God! That's no fair, Stephen! Mom!  Stephen's being a buttmunch! He's doing the fire thing again!"


Steals: "Sound the klaxon! Ketchup driveway!"

Shot clock violations: "Boomshakalaka!"

Rebounds: "hi my name is Josh Age 9. I would like to buy you're [sic] NBA Jam game. My uncle Jon says it will be very good. Jon still plays video games a lot even though he's a grownup. My aunt says he's a free spirit. What does this mean? -Josh Age 9"

Missed shots: "Stop it, Stephen! It's no freaking fair! You just do the fire thing with Stacey Augmon and he makes it every time even though he's sucky. I'm going to spill Shasta all over your pogs unless you stop being a dorkus. Then they won't be worth anything."


Come on, America. Step it up.