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Mikhail Prokhorov Makes His Pitch To LeBron James, Er, 'Free Agent'

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Hello, potential free agent. We cannot use names because how do you call it...tampering rules? So quaint. You Americans have curious fixation with purity, and yet...filth. 

Come in. No, please: Sindivi will not bother you. She may be tiger, but she is loyal to me only. Attacks only occur if she senses you are hostile to me. Occasionally she also attacks Asian men. I hope that if you decide to do business with me, you will cut ties with Asian friends. Sindivi is my only family. I love her like furry murder child.  

I propose LeBro--I mean, anonymous free agent-- that you play basketball for my American professional team. We have so much to offer you. Money is least important. Men like you and I do not do things for cash. We do things for thrill of having done them. I didn't fill old copper mine with butterscotch pudding to jet ski on literally tasty waves: I did it to say it was done, friend. I hope you appreciate passion involved in doing such thing. 

Do not let opponents tell you lies. They call me  "villain from your James Bond movies."  Would I...what's that? Cut someone in half with laser? Throw in a tank of sharks? HAHAHAHAHA! No.

Assistant approaches.

Fedor! Write down: sharks, lasers. Later tell them me again for future purpose. 

Assistant leaves. 

If this intimidation in America, I fear for America. In Russia we call this competition.  Man must be made from steel if survive. Sacrifice is necessary. A leg for leg in competition, as we say. This is why I have fake leg filled with dynamite. To acquire mines and wealth I cut it off, give to Vladimir Putin as display of loyalty. Explaining takes time we do not have. 

Dynamite leg of loyalty is also why you may not smoke here.  

Together we conquer many things, free agent. Survey beautiful women. Cover them in caviar. Stack them into lady-fortress with beautiful walls made with bikini girls. Inside we have tea and discuss yachts for long happy hours.  At day jetski upside down on ocean. At night jetski in olympic indoor pool on yacht. Go to club on smaller yacht in pool on larger yacht. Drink champagne in exclusive Club Mikhail. Beach party forever. 

With Nets, you even can call Jay-Z at any time of day to verify "fresh-to-death-ness." He is foremost expert on this. Call him now. There is phone on the table there. Ah! Blue phone, please. Blue phone, Jay-Z. Red one, order invasion of breakaway Russian republic. Apologies for confusion, free agent. If you want invasion, though, this can happen too. We together make dreams come true.