- Berman on a Big Papi home run: "That ball had hair on it!" A ball with hair on it would get hit less hard, and would fly less far. A ball with hair on it would never be allowed to be thrown in the Home Run Derby.
- Hanley Ramirez just now shows up in the dugout, in the middle of Ortiz's set, climbing the stairs. Hanley, late again. He's so lazy! They should suspend him from the All-Star Game.
- A kid just went after a fly ball, missed it, turned around, paused, and fell down. These aren't even normal kids. These kids are stupid and clumsy. I would be ashamed of these kids if they were mine. Maybe that's why they're down there on the field. Maybe their parents abandoned them. I know I would.
- By the way, Ortiz has had a consistent first round so far, blasting seven home runs to right and right-center. Wasn't sure if I mentioned that. Someone ought to, since the broadcast isn't.
- There's a fly on the camera lens.
- Sign in the outfield: Every Swing Papi Nails it. ESPN. So clever! Except it's actually ESPNi. Imaginary ESPN. The square of ESPNi is ESPN -1.
- 2 * | ESPNi^2 | = ESPN2
- Eight homers for Ortiz, who's smiling as he walks away from the plate. Smile level: high. Ortiz's smile level vs. Swisher's fun level is the real competition of the evening.