It's 7:46 now, and what legends haven't yet died have fallen asleep, but I have to admit that I didn't think this thing would finish within three hours. Nor did I think I could watch the whole thing without being miserable and without the aid of any beer, but here I am, living proof that if you want to make something go by a lot faster, liveblog the hell out of it.
The Home Run Derby trophy is actually an impressive trophy - a way more impressive trophy than the World Cup, which is awesome for baseball and embarrassing for the international soccer community. It's presented to Ortiz by MLB COO Bob DuPuy, and a comically giant check for charity is presented to Ortiz by some guy from State Farm. It's funny how the one decent speaker of the three is the guy from Santo Domingo. Ortiz gave a shoutout to the late Jose Lima, which was touching. I'm happy for Ortiz. The league leader in smiles beat the league leader in fun, and he beat everyone else, and he clearly enjoyed every moment. David Ortiz seems like a guy who enjoys every moment he lives. That makes me like him, and resent him.
Following Ortiz's speech and some closing words from Erin Andrews and the broadcast table, ESPN cuts away from the Home Run Derby and goes straight to the legends and celebrities softball game. Which - wait a second, this already happened! This is on tape delay! This changes everything. Of course they played the softball game in the afternoon. There are old people involved. I should've known this from the start. I'm so ashamed.
Erin Andrews wore two different outfits for the two different events, by the way. Women.