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The Wages Of Empire: Miami Heat Fire Their Season Ticket Sales Staff

As a consequence of the Miami Heat acquiring LeBron James and Chris Bosh, the team has fired everyone whose job it is to sell season tickets.

"They let us go because there was really nothing left to do anymore,'' [a] fired staffer said.

It's possible, I think, to feel legitimate sympathy for the 30-something people fired without getting angry at the Heat or LeBron, which some people probably will. There may be jobs for these folks in Cleveland.

But if you insist on blaming LeBron, remember first that he has created precisely 7,777 jobs in the Miami area. Details are after the jump.

1,500 employees to excavate limestone from a quarry
1,500 employees to drag limestone from the quarry to the construction site of the Grand Obelisk
4 employees, one to man each of the Grand Obelisk's Pyres of Flame to ensure that they do not incinerate passing aircraft
1 employee to operate an experimental apparatus devised by LeBron himself that is meant to shoot bolts of lightning into the sky, rather than from it
1 employee to inform LeBron that lighting actually often starts from the ground anyway
2 employees to drag this employee away from LeBron's presence
1 employee to play the accordion while this is happening
1 employee to serve as diplomat to the Ottoman Empire
1 employee to serve as ottoman
100 employees to hold aloft paintings, decorations, and tapestry within the chambers of the Grand Obelisk, as LeBron believes that hanging things on walls is crude
24 employees to take 1-hour shifts wandering throughout the Inner Sanctum of the Grand Obelisk and relate Family Guy quotes while beating a drum with an ox femur
3,000 employees to crank underground levers that will lower the Grand Obelisk into the ground in case of Ragnarok
1 employee to stand near the Grand Obelisk's main gate and explain to passersby that, yes, there used to be an Arby's here, and they built another one on Cooper Lane that's only like five minutes away
1,600 employees to comprise a research team, located in the Outer Sanctum of the Grand Obelisk, to determine whether it's possible to actually re-enter the first door you fall out of at the very beginning of Super Mario Brothers 2
1 employee as sort of a general all-purpose guy who will probably just make sure that everybody's getting along and stuff
40 employees to work in the alchemy lab, located at the 552nd floor of the Grand Obelisk, and find out whether it is possible to conjure NBA Championship rings from ordinary materials

(H/T: Jose)