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Let's Play A Game: NFL Combine Assessment Or Brahsome Romance Novel?

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The return of NFL Combine season means the resurgence of a particular conversational style, in which we are allowed to discuss college athletes in compression shorts as though they were actual slabs of meat hanging in a shop window. Where else do grown men get to use language this poetic without blush or second thought?

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"You can't watch this guy work out and not say, 'Wow,' " Johnson said. "I mean, I slapped him on the ass out there one day and I've got a quarter horse in Tennessee that doesn't have an ass on him like that. He's just a physically gifted guy and a smart guy, and just a good, good person."
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That is a real statement made by a real person, Denver Johnson, former position coach at Colorado, referring to the draft prospects of Buffs left tackle Nate Solder. (NB: Johnson is currently employed at Tulsa, despite being named Denver. We do not understand the world.)