15. The miserable sportscasting odyssey of Ortis Deley
(Via Awful Announcing's list, "The Top 10 Announcing Gaffes Of 2011")
Ortis Deley was a children's television host with little to no experience in either live television or sports, so naturally, the UK's Channel 4 decided to have him work a live sporting event. The result: he did just about as well as you or I would. That is not a good thing! I did not just compliment him!
Some highlights from this gag reel:
0:20 - He is apparently reading unsteadily from the back cover of a college calculus textbook, which of course has no words on it because they don't have to put anything on the back cover to convince you to buy a college textbook (because the college textbook industry is a hilariously crooked racket that is full of terrible people (like the college industry itself, in fact!)!).
1:15 - "Leo Usain Bolt. It's Leo. St. Leo Usain Bolt." If I were broadcasting a track event, there are like eight words I know I would not screw up: "Usain Bolt," "race," "track," "hello," and "my name is." Pretty sure I could get through the "hello, my name is" part. Then I would accidentally say something stupid like "my name is Blop" for no reason and then just burst into tears. I'd get cry drool all over my lapel mic and short it out, and then the producer would step on camera and clip another mic to my shirt while I continued to just sob my eyes out endlessly. "Blop is the worst," you would say.
3:00 - "Me, Michael Johnson, and Tyson Gay in the same studio." I really can't tell whether he's star-struck or he's just repeating through every fact that he knows at this point.
3:10 - "So, we have a gloriously sunny day here in the studio. We've seen some action this morning as well. Jessica Ennis. Goodnight." Who is Jessica Ennis? Maybe she's an off-screen producer, and it's one of those strange British broadcasting things to address a producer nobody knows while signing off?
As far as I can tell, Ortis Deley is a perfectly smart and talented dude, and that to me is crucial to the instructive value of this video: we're always calling sportscasters dumb. Tim McCarver is dumb. Craig James is dumb. Et cetera. They are not. Doing a merely half-decent live sportscasting job requires a specific model of intelligence-oriented skill that you and I and Ortis Deley do not have. It's the truth! You're making like four jokes right now, but it's the truth!
14. Ron Jaworski says 'shit' on Monday Night Football
(Original story here)
Here's your ding-dang video of Ron Jaworski saying "shit" on TV. I don't really think it's all that hilarious or crazy or anything, but if I didn't put this on the list somewhere, you'd get angry with me. Well, there it is! A man said "shit"! Hope it was everything you thought it would be!
13. 'Eddie Poole. Eddie Poole?'
(Original story here)
There are two terrific components to this one. The first is ESPN play-by-play man Mike Morgan being the last person in the building to realize that a touchdown had been scored. The second is Morgan attempting to smooth it over by massively over-selling the catch with a thoroughly unconvincing, "UNBELIEVABLE!"
The tragic component of this story, of course, is that as a consequence of being five seconds late to figure out what was going on, his interpretation of life as a whole has been pushed back by five seconds, so he effectively lives life on a short delay. As you would imagine, he is tragically terrible at Whack-A-Mole, a game he once found fun and enriching (and who doesn't?). In fact, he was recently kicked out of a Chuck-E-Cheese for playing it, not because he was causing a disturbance, but because he was simply awful at it. It's the only time they've ever done that. The whole thing is just ... it's a sad story, really.
12. 'For all the Tostitos'
This is for all the Tostitos.
- Brent Musberger
This is for all the Independence.
- Thomas Jefferson
This is for all the Cotton.
- Eli Whitney
This is for all the Meineke Car Care.
- Meineke Car Care mechanic who is trying to sell you a transmission flush that you totally do not need
This is for all the Beef 'O' Brady's.
- Man driving cement mixer full of MSG
11. Ian Darke, y'all
(Suggested by Andy Hutchins)
I'll keep this short: soccer broadcaster Ian Darke is perhaps the most beloved sportscaster in the world. It isn't just that Ian Darke only says important things, or that Ian Darke makes everything sound important. It's simply that things are important by virtue of Ian Darke saying them, full stop.