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John Steigerwald Was The Most Sports Guy Of 1981

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(You don't know this man, but you should, since he is about to take half of Will Ferrell's money for jacking his entire life story in Anchorman. He is Pittsburgh's John Steigerwald, and he was born and still lives in 1980, where he lives in a sporting goods store with a small clothing section but large sporting goods selection. Sometimes he writes terrible columns, but most of the time he's so busy playing sports by himself he can't do anything else.

He's busy. You'll have to yell at him. John. JOHN!

HEY JOHN! [Cues absolutely awesome ACTION NEWS music.]

Oh, I'm sorry. I was over here playing sport. The sports. All of them. Today I learned: Scuba diving was a considered a sport in 1980, or at least it was in Pittsburgh.

So was smoking and kegging, along with mesh-shirting and car-waxing. Then one day in 1991, America went out to wax their Fieros, grabbed the Turtle Wax, and then said, "Why do I have a Fiero, and moreover, why the hell do I wax it?" John Steigerwald thinks this country could use a few Fieros slathered in turtle wax these days, but he does have a reason: he likes ridiculously unsafe cars that explode, and uses the excess turtle wax on his mustache, which also claims residence in the august year of 1980.

Other things John Steigerwald likes follow:

  • Masculinity
  • Backgammon
  • A lady who likes her Riunite on ice
  • A lady who likes the word "lady"
  • The song "Lady"
  • The one by Kenny Rogers, not those hooligans in Styx
  • Jacuzzis, not "hot" tubs, because John likes to keep it cool. 
  • Sports. All of them. At once.
  • Belts
  • Blank cassette tapes, but not the transparent ones. can't know how much tape you have left. Kills the mystery.
  • "Moonlight (Feels Right)" by Starbuck. 
  • Superman's Fortress of Solitude in Superman 2. Like to have a pad like that some day, but in Pittsburgh, not the North Pole. Brr!
  • Those chalk donut things you find in every billiards hall, installed in every room in your house.
  • Boats, but not the ones that require a lot of work. 
  • Tans. Deep, healthful tans.
  • Orange Julius.
  • A solid run-first offensive gameplan. 
  • Miller Lite. Tastes great or less filling? Get out of my head, ad men!
  • Beads on strings in place of all doors in house, including kitchen cabinet and fuse box doors. 
  • Fondue on classy important occasions.
  • Jacqueline Bisset in The Deep. Talk about buried treasure!
  • Robert Urich on Vegas. One smooth operator, that Robert.
  • Goin' to Aspen for some fresh powder and a little weekend in an A-frame house wearing puffy ski jackets.
  • Waterbeds.
  • Racquetball.