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Stoned Sports Epiphanies On 4/20: Knowledge Accumulated By Weed-Smoking Athletes

Sports and marijuana have a long history together. On the 'holiday' of 4/20, we reflect on what we can learn from stoner athletes.

Mainstream professional sports leagues forbid their players from smoking weed, which is a good thing, because physically fit stoners are particularly dangerous. You know how people who smoke weed are always trying to rob and murder you? Athlete stoners could actually catch up to you and use their bongstrength to tear your limbs asunder on account of they are crazy.

However, plenty of players have skirted the rules anyway, and as a consequence, they've gleaned a greater understanding of the sports they play. Unfortunately, they have been too embarrassed to disseminate their findings in a public forum, so after taking statements from their pot-smoking contemporaries and examining notes written on inside-out-turned cereal boxes ("it's almost like a notepad you can eat," claims one source), I am publishing them here.

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You know how they say that in Super Mario 2, if you can somehow figure out a way to enter the door you fall out of at the very beginning of the game, you reach the end of the game immediately? Baseball's like that, but the batters don't know about it. We're at home plate, man. We're already where we want to go, man. It's an Orwellian nightmare, man.

- Dmitri Young

What's a haircut anyway? It's not a thing. It's not like you can pick up a haircut and throw it. You can't download it. You can't employ it. You can't foreclose on a haircut. You can't do anything to a haircut. It's not even a thing at all. It's either an adjective or a... what's the... metaphor.

- Tim Lincecum

If you're in a stadium, are you inside or outside? Everyone says outside, but if you're outside and you go in a door, you should be inside. Doors are bull****. I'll close one and open it and I don't even care.

- Ricky Williams

You have to be tall to play basketball. Basket... tall. Baskettall. Hahaaaaaaaa.

- Jason Williams

Either water is weird or air is incredibly normal.

- Michael Phelps

I think hockey sticks are made of wood. Baseball bats are wooden. They play basketball on wooden floors. If there's some kind of huge forest fire that burns down all the trees in the world, football is the only sport left for people to watch. S*** man... we need to build more seats. We need more seats in our stadium. We can't use wood though. Can you just make seats out of cardboard? S***, man, I need to look through my Mythbusters DVDs and find out.

- Chris Simms

What if the basketball is basically a planet with little bacteria people living on it? Whenever you dribble, is it basically that movie Deep Impact, only for bacteria? That movie was so good. It's weird that our President is a black guy.

- Lamar Odom

Hahahahaaaaa, whoever thought up hockey was smoking weed, dude. Which is weird because I didn't even know they had weed in Alaska.

- Bill Walton

Sports are meaningless, man. They're just a waste of time. And while all that's happening, the government.

- Stephon Marbury

The thing is... this is the thing. Okay. You... I don't want to get paid. I don't think college players should get paid because it's all part of the larger problem. Currency should be abolished. Property should be abolished. It's oppressive. Property, man, it's... it's not a constant of nature, man. It's a... culture artifact, man. Everyone should just... do a garden thing and eat stuff they grow in the garden together.

- Nigel Carr

If he wanted, could a catcher throw the ball to the left fielder? I mean on purpose. I don't think that's ever happened before. Would he go to jail?

- Vida Blue

I'm going to invent a new sport where everyone gets to be quarterback. Everyone has a football and you have to throw it in a... bucket or something. I need to write this down. God I want a Dorito. I want, like... eight Doritos.

- Marcus Vick

I'm basically Bill Lee.

- Dock Ellis

I'm basically Bill Lee.

- Bill Lee

Whoa, man, you know what I just realized? That square on the backboard is where you can aim the basketball. It's like a target, and it's like that because if you hit it, it's automatically gonna drop through the hoop. God that is so smart. Football should do that for touchdowns.

- Nate Newton

Basketball is like jazz. There's a team called the Jazz. I'm hungry. I bet I could just make my own Taco Bell taco. I've got... I've got this lamp to heat up the food with. The lamp shade could be a food holder... s***, no it couldn't.

- Sam Perkins