10. Power Rankings: The Worst Baseball Players In The Entire World
5. Pitcher who throws by simply placing the ball on his open palm and whipping his arm forward
4. Guy who tries to catch a baseball as though it is a kickball that is traveling in slow motion (shown here)
3. Switch-hitter who never learned how to switch-run and just hops on one leg to get around the bases
2. Second baseman who thinks baseball is that one team-building exercise in which the person who catches the ball must tell an embarrassing story from his or her childhood
1. Brant Brown
9. In which sports actually make me mad for real
I feel as though the worst thing about sports these days is not just how angry they make people, but how they make people feel as though they need to be angry. For example, there are millions upon millions of dollars paid to columnists whose shtick is to manufacture controversies. This athlete is a clown, or a fraud, or a disgrace, or whatever. If you’re not careful, you can get wrapped up in it, and before long you find yourself devoting your leisure time to casting moral judgments and getting red in the face. LAME.
With this in mind, I make a concerted effort to take sports seriously as seldom as possible. I’m really not trying to be a Sports Hipster or whatever, I just ain’t got time for all this s*** that the likes of Skip Bayless thinks I have time for. What, you want me to feel actual anger over... sports? Nope, not participating.
But sometimes I can’t help myself, and this was one of those times. In the fourth quarter, the Mavericks were blowing the Lakers out of the building, and everyone accepted that the end of the Lakers’ season was minutes away. Andrew Bynum wasn’t really able to deal with this, and the result was a sharp elbow to J.J. Barea’s side. Some weird parental instinct switched on inside of me, and I started yelling at the screen. "NO! DON’T DO THAT! HE’S TOO LITTLE!" Yes, I actually said that. What the hell, sports?
8. Stop playing with your food and just eat it already
This, from the San Jose Sharks’ ousting of the Detroit Red Wings in the Stanley Cup playoffs, is the greatest costume I have ever seen anyone wear to a sporting event, with the exception of that guy who wore a jersey that said FRANCOEUR on it, ran on the field, and managed to stay there for like six years.
Problem is, there aren’t many hockey fans who could even hope of doing something like this. Of the 30 NHL teams, there are only five -- five! -- that are named after actual animals that you could actually dress up as. The Penguins, Panthers, Sharks, Ducks, and Coyotes. That’s it. The Blackhawks don’t count because they’re not named after an animal.
Suppose you’re an Islanders fan who is rooting against, I don’t know, the Lightning, and you want to represent your rooting interests via a costume. Your only real option is to scrawl "HOCKEY ENTHUSIAST COSTUME" on a sleeping bag in permanent marker, crawl inside of it headfirst, and have a friend follow you around to a) pass around leaflets explaining what your costume is supposed to be ("a guy on an island punching a lightning in the face!") and b) make sure you don’t bump into things.
7. Lionel Messi, everyone
I'm just going to get out of the way and let you enjoy this one.
6. Dirk Nowitzki, hypocritical fussypants
(Click image to view. Via Jose3030)
Presenting Dirk Nowitzki's Ideal Scenario At This Precise Moment, a one-act play.
WESTBROOK. Hey! (shove)
DIRK. (points) HAY! HAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!!!
REFEREE. Oh my God, what’s wrong? What did you do to Dirk?
DIRK. He hit me!
REFEREE. Why would you do such a thing?
WESTBROOK. Because I played Bodie Broadus on The Wire and I can do anything I want! Nyahhhh!
REFEREE. Oh no you can’t! I’m going to call the President.
WESTBROOK. No! Not the President!
REFEREE. Okay, I just talked to the President. He said that Dirk Nowitzki is the best and that because you hit him, you will have to go to jail.
WESTBROOK. Oh no!
(Scene: jail. WESTBROOK wears a pinstriped jumpsuit with a ball and chain, clutches prison bars with both hands.)
WESTBROOK. I wish I didn’t hit Dirk. That was dumb. I’m such a dummy! Can I please get out of jail?
PRISON GUARD. No. You have to be in jail forever because I am a judge as well as a prison guard.
WESTBROOK. OH NOOOOOOOO
(Scene: Dirk Nowitzki’s kitchen.)
DIRK. I would like to eat a piece of cake!
DIRK. (eats piece of cake)
DIRK. I am not in jail. I am eating a piece of cake.