5. Rain delay entertainment that is almost as great as Fresh Prince reruns
(Suggested by @grbuffington)
During a rain delay, two college teams -- Radford and High Point -- apparently decided to entertain the crowd by holding an impromptu Renaissance festival. After getting jousting -- the only fun Renaissance Fair activity -- out of the way, they presumably proceeded to set up face-painting booths, speak in unconvincing English accents, get drunk, attempt to play Greensleeves on a harp, get more drunk, attempt to play Greensleeves on a harp with a violin bow, get more drunk, roll around in bales of hay while slurring quotes from Braveheart and/or Dragonheart, declare that Dragonheart was better, and pass out.
Also: through part of the GIF, it looks as though they painted the Highlights for Children logo on the field, which is appropriate given that this is essentially the "Goofus" pane of a Goofus & Gallant comic.
4. A modest miracle, courtesy of Daniel Bard
Yes, I know, baseball is a stupid hybrid of golf and musical chairs that is played by a bunch of boring dorky idiots in belts and button-down shirts, but it has one thing over football and basketball. Feats on the court or the gridiron inspire awe, but the physics behind them don’t incite genuine confusion.
Did Derrick Rose move to the rim so quickly that you don’t understand it? Well, just play it back and slow motion and enjoy it. Meanwhile, play this clip of Daniel Bard’s pitch 500 times and see whether you can understand it without employing a higher understanding of physics. It is supernatural. People have been burned at the stake for this sort of thing.
How many pitches do you figure have been thrown in professional baseball? Including playoffs, let’s estimate that there are about 2,465 games a season, multiply that by about three (conservatively) to account for all the minor league teams, so we’re at about 7,400 … we can expect to see (again, conservatively) a total of 250 pitches for each of those games, so that’s a total of about 1,850,000 … this whole baseball thing’s been going on for about 165 years, but let’s lop that off to 80 to account for the smaller number of teams in the majors and minors …
That is some monumentally lazy math, but it gives us a figure of about 150 million pitches. Nearly every one of those pitches was a calculated enterprise, thrown with utmost effort, devised under consideration of every pitch that had preceded it. There were millions upon millions of molecular structures smashing against one another in the primordial soup, and then there was life. There have been millions upon millions of pitches, until finally, there is this, an occurrence in our world that seems to follow the rules of another, an event so confusing it must be magical.
3. Mike Pelfrey commits the balk of the decade to date
Our own Jason Kirk rightly called this "the balk of the young decade."
I’m pretty sure this is the first time I’ve ever seen a pitcher straight-up drop the ball on the mound, but the umpire hesitated for approximately .45 seconds before decisively calling a balk. Now, it would be easy to presume that the ump quickly processed a series of implicitly-related rules and concluded that this was a balk.
Keep in mind, though, that the Major League Baseball rule book unbelievably detailed on the matter of balks, and that the umpire was simply enforcing an explicit rule:
Rule 8.0111 If the pitcher just straight-up drops the ball for no reason, it is a balk.
Rule 8.0112 If the pitcher drops the ball in fright because a Yeti is wandering around on the field, it is not a balk.
Rule 8.0113 If the pitcher drops the ball because he has poor dexterity in his fingers because he is a Yeti, it is not a balk.
Rule 8.0114 If you are a Yeti, you cannot read. P.S. your face smells like somebody’s butt.
Rule 8.0115 If the pitcher drops the ball in disgust because he suspects the batter of being a Yeti, it is a balk, and the umpire is to advise the batter that Yeti integration is a concession we made to avoid a war with the Yetis and that he needs to just deal with it.
Rule 8.0116 I am a Yeti! Roaarrrrrrr! JUST KIDDING I am not a Yeti.
Rule 8.0117 If there are three or more Yetis on the playing field, the home plate umpire must call a Yeti delay.
Rule 8.0118 The umpire is to instruct the grounds crew that it is not to roll out the tarp. The crinkling noises made by an unfurling tarp cause Yetis to triple in size and shriek incessantly.
Rule 8.0119 Do you think Yetis are real? We don’t have proof, but nobody knows for sure. As the old saying goes, "you should be prepared, because what if there are Yetis?"
2. Kendrick Perkins is 280 pounds of sad
(Click image to view. Via Jose3030)
Kendrick Perkins, who was sad to be traded away from his beloved Boston Celtics, who often looks sad, and who makes me sad, certainly looks sad to be hit in the face with a basketball, but let’s first back up a moment and recognize that there are many, many distinct and wonderful flavors of sad.
Suppose you’re sitting at a booth in the corner of an ice cream store. The door opens, and in walks a father, holding his two sons by the hand. One is perhaps eight or nine, the other looks to be about five. Maybe the nine-year-old is wearing a Pokemon shirt, or a Cardinals shirt, or something the five-year-old is likely envious of.
The younger brother is a short, squatty kid. He’s wearing overalls. While his brother is talking to his dad about, say, Albert Pujols, he’s looking around wide-eyed, taking in a store that, as far as ice cream stores go, is unremarkable.
The older brother orders a scoop of Rocky Road. The man lifts his youngest son by the armpits, allowing him to look through the refrigerator window and see the flavors. He points at a flavor, and his father lets him down. "Tell the lady what you’d like," the father says. But he clams up. He leans against his father’s leg, and his brother chimes in. "God! Just say what flavor you want! Don’t be an idiot!"
The younger brother instead stands on his tiptoes and whispers his answer to his father. The man and his sons find a table to sit. The youngest son tries to climb into a too-tall chair, and as he does, his ice cream cone falls out of his hand and hits the floor with a glop.
His brother mocks him. His father says, "it’s okay, bud, let’s just get you another..." The small boy shakes his head modestly. "No? Well, all right..." The father and his oldest son continue to talk about baseball. You watch as the boy lowers his head, sits nearly motionless, trying not to cry.
That is what has happened here. I certainly won’t be the one to mock Kendrick Perkins. Will you?
he get hit in a dong lol haha