The best names in MLB Draft history

Another week, another power rankings, and this one is designed to get you ready for the 2011 MLB Draft. It's just like the NFL Draft, except you will never, ever see these players play. Well, about 2 percent of them, maybe, but only for the first few rounds. Excitement! But if a less-exciting draft is the cost of following a game that can't end in a tie, I'm all for it.

This week's rankings is based on awesome names throughout draft history, split into six categories. Most of them are obvious, with the wild card as a place for the names that were awesome on their own.

It should be noted that I didn't include awesome names from athletes who made it in other sports, like Bimbo Coles, Lawyer Malloy, or "Dan" Marino. Also, these are only players who did not make the majors, so no Callix Crabbe or Stubby Clapp

To tally the rankings, each name has a 1-10 score next to it, and the totals were added up. This is all about science after all.

1. Seattle Mariners - 52 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Hawkeye Wayne RHP 1999 (10)	Gar Finnvold RHP - 1987 (10)	Rod Hudson C - 1978 (7)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Randy Newman LHP - 1982 (7)	Austin Bibens-Dirkx RHP - 2006 (10)	Salvy Urbo LHP - 1990 (8)

This is how it's done. Great options from top to bottom, including a name that would make Harry Caray sound like he was trying to swallow a fire extinguisher. And if Randy Newman isn't your thing, the Mariners also drafted Keith Law in 1995.

2. New York Yankees - 51 points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Darren Bowleg LHP - 1994 (8)	Graham Stoneburner RHP - 2009 (8)	Richard Buff SS - 1966 (10)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Dick Clark C -1970 (8)	Atheophilus Jermany RHP - 1967 (10)	Pop Popplewell RHP - 1987 (7)

The Yankees have used awesome names as the secret fuel behind their championship jets. You know that Dick Clark would have caught until he was 80, too.

3. Baltimore Orioles - 50 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Lloyd Lightfoot - SS - 1968 (8)	Chorye Spoone - RHP - 2005 (6)	Randy Butts - 1B - 1984 (10)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Don Henley - OF - 1972 (7)	Ntema Ndungidi - OF -1997 (10)	Denver Kitch - SS - 2004 (9)

Solid draft history from the O's, as there wasn't even room for Quash Thompson (RHP, 1965) or Errect Ridley (OF, 1973).

4. Cincinnati Reds - 50 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Tad Venger 3B - 1977 (7)	Tucker Hammargren 1B - 1990 (7)	Lester Fulleylove LHP - 1965 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Paul Simon OF - 1967 (9)	Ocfuske King RHP - 2002 (10)	Rommel Motley OF -1993 (8)

Motley might be the name with the best back story. If he would have made it, he would have had one of the best nicknames in history: The Desert Fox. And if he ever played for the Diamondbacks? Oh, man.

5. Pittsburgh Pirates - 49 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Jeff Necessary SS - 1984 (10)	Garland Slaughter OF - 1986 (9)	Chick Valley 1B - 1977 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Rob Thomas LHP - 1995 (2)	Cache Breedlove 3B - 2006 (9)	Jett Metz RHP - 1979 (10)

Is there anything that Rob Thomas can't ruin? The Pirates were on their way to history. I mean, Jett Metz!

6. Los Angeles Dodgers - 49 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Thaddeus Philyaw OF - 1971 (8)	Gaither Bagsby RHP - 1988 (10)	Buff White - LHP 1972 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Larry King RHP - 1967 (8)	Radford Mawhinney OF - 1966 (7)	Twaino Moss OF - 1992 (7)

Los Angeles also had Bill Murray. Of course they did. They also drafted Mark Sweeney, Robert Sweeney, and Roger Sweeney in the 1990 draft. Someone had Sweeneys on their mind. Must have been lunchtime.

7. Oakland Athletics - 49 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Bubba Scarce RHP - 1994 - (6)	Jarvis Redwine OF - 1976 (6)	Tom Conquest RHP - 1982 (10)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Reggie Sanders (SELECTION VOIDED) OF - 1967 (5)	Blase Sparma RHP -1988 - (7)	Augusta Massingill SS -1968 (15 out of 10)

It should have been impossible to award more than ten points in any category. Exceptions were made for Augusta Massingill, the greatest name in the history of the Rule 4 Draft. Also, Reggie Sanders' selection was voided because he was hurt. Just a guess.

8. Toronto Blue Jays - 48 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Rusty Rightmire RHP - 1982 (7)	Aric Van Gaalen LHP - 2003 (10)	Randy Dicken OF - 2002 (10)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Robert Smith RHP - 1984 (5)	Zephaniah Zinsman 1B - 2002 (7)	Bubbie Buzachero RHP - 2002 (9)

The Blue Jays drafted three different right-handed pitchers named Rusty between 1982 and 1993. You just know that's going to be part of a Final Jeopardy answer one day.

9. San Diego Padres - 48 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Raymie Styons C - 1980 (5)	Darius Gash OF - 1990 (7)	Mobil Cox SS - 1978 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
James Joyce C - 1989 (9)	Nacho Bracamontes LHP - 1968 (10)	Beamer Weems SS - 2008 (8)

Nacho is the best Harry Caray name. Caray saying that name is what the phones in Heaven have as their ringtone. Also, the Padres made an offer to Joyce, but he responded with a counteroffer that ran 193,158 words and was completely indecipherable. He didn't sign.

10. Kansas City Royals - 48 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Les Strode LHP - 1980 (8)	Sherard Clinkscales RHP - 1992 (8)	Xavier Dixson OF - 1973 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
James Woods C - 1997 (8)	Torreahno Sweet OF -1989 (7)	Randy Goodenough LHP - 1985 (8)

If baseball careers had tombstones, poor Randy's epitaph would just be "He really wasn't."

11. Boston Red Sox - 47 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Rock Shoulders - C - 2010 (10)	Trygg Danforth - 1B - 2010 (7)	Ferrari Miller - OF - 2000 (8)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Christopher Cross - C - 1967 (5)	Wayne Fuzzard - LHP - 1965 (9)	H.B. Awkard - OF - 1989 (8)

If not for the yacht rock of Chris Cross, the Red Sox could have sailed away with it all.

12. Texas Rangers - 47 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Bucky Buckles RHP - 1994 (10)	Ian Gac 1B - 2003 (6)	Ronnie Corona RHP - 1998 (8)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
James Van Der Beek RHP - 1971 (8)	Kenneth Pokryfke LHP - 2002 (6)	Cecil De Fla Strawn C - 1978 (9)

The Van Der Beek pull was probably the most unusual celebrity name, but that must be like the "Jones" of Holland.

13. San Francisco Giants - 47 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Harlan Highfill RHP - 1972 (8)	Wynter Phoenix OF - 1996 (8)	Everhard Griffiths RHP - 1992 (8)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
John Hughes LHP - 1982 (7)	Jose Basterrechea RHP - 1968 (7)	Van Fixico 2B - 1967 (9)

If the scores were arranged by median scores, they'd be higher. Solid class. Also, Van Fixico.

14. Houston Astros - 47 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Destry Westbrook RHP - 1997 - (9)	Edward Earlywine 2B - 1965 - (7)	Kim Seaman LHP - 1975 - (8)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Mike Patton RHP - 1984 - (8)	Jjallil Sandoval SS - 2001 - (8)	Perry Berry 2B - 1990 - (7)

The Astros must have had, like, one scout in the ‘70s, because they’d usually check out after about 15 rounds. Interesting strategy.

15. Milwaukee Brewers - 46 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Zelous Wheeler 3B - 2007 (8)	Deik Scram OF - 2004 (6)	Bobby Fingers RH - 1983 (7)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Ray Liotta RHP - 2001 (9)	Todd Incantalupo LHP - 1997 (7)	Talmadge Tanks 1B - 1974 (9)

Actually, it's more likely that Ray Liotta played a character named "Bobby Fingers" in an R-rated movie. Close enough.

16. New York Mets - 46 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Earskine Kelley SS - 1989 (8)	Garrick Hattiwanger OF - 1996 (6)	Petey Paramore C - 2005 (6)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Steve McQueen SS - 1977 (10)	Von Opolous LHP - 1969 (8)	John Metasavage 3B - 1982 (8)

Pretty good class held down by the fantasy/film thing. There wasn't even room for Greg Boos (RHP, 1974), Englebert Bull (OF, 1990), or Damien Magnifico (RHP, 2009)

17. Detroit Tigers - 46 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Cade Gaspar RHP - 1994 (7)	Clausal Milord OF - 1995 (9)	Vince Bigone 3B - 1965 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
John Mayer LHP - 1966 (6)	Thaddous McBurrows LHP - 2004 (6)	Kodiak Quick RHP - 2006 (9)

Baseball Reference had an entry for War1ren Trott in the1998 draft. You might think that's a typo, but I'd like to think he was a robot, and his disqualification from MLB is the greatest story never told.

18. Tampa Bay Rays - 46 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Woods Fines RHP - 2004 (7)	Griffin Zarbough LHP - 2000 (9)	Brian Packin 1B - 1996 (8)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
James Brown RHP - 2006 (8)	Chadwick Cossette C 1998 (6)	Chad Coward RHP - 2000 (8)

There's no way that a manager would ever make Chad Coward a closer. It's a shame, but can you blame them? Some guys just don't have the mental makeup to close. Like, cowards.

19. Los Angeles Angels - 45 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Judge Tassone 2B - 1972 - (9)	Gar Vallone SS - 1995 - (6)	Tymber Lee RHP - 2000 - (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Will Smith LHP - 2008 - (6)	Gary Wormelduff RHP - 1965 - (7)	Brandy Bengoechea SS - 1992 - (8)

Brandy Bengoechea is not to be confused with Kiki Bengochea, who was drafted twice. Because "Mark" Bengochea or "James" Bengoechea would just be ridiculous, right?

20. Atlanta Braves - 45 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Marshall Justice RHP - 1974 (10)	Ja'Rad Hunt 2B - 1990 (8)	Gary Knuckles 3B - 1970 (6)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Adam Smith RHP -1973 (4)	Riaan Spanjer-Furstenburg 1B - 2009 (10)	Fabien Mang LHP - 1966 (7)

Not a single player from the 1981 Braves draft made the majors.

21. Florida Marlins - 45 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Swan Austin RHP - 1995 (9)	Sequoyah Stonecipher LF - 2009 (6)	Kerthatis Lovely OF - 1995 (6)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
James Woods OF - 1992 (8)	Gooby Gerlits C - 2001 (10)	Wayman Gooch RHP - 2008 (6)

Okay, maybe Gooby Gerlits is as good as Nacho Bracamonte. Just seeing the name "Gooby Gerlits" is what gave me the idea to include the Caray category.

22. Cleveland Indians - 44 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Rock Weeks C - 1973 (8)	Limbric Windham OF - 1980 (9)	Thomas Van Tiger OF - 1991 (5)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Tom Clancy RHP - 1979 (8)	Jay Ray Rokey OF - 1967 (7)	Pork Chop Pough RHP - 1988 (7)

MLB would collapse under the weight of the puns if Clancy ever pitched for a Reds team during a pennant race.

23. Minnesota Twins - 44 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Shooter Hunt RHP - 2008 (7)	Eammon Portice RHP - 2004 (6)	Paul Commando C - 1968 (8)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Reggie Jackson LHP - 1989 (7)	Wade Wacker SS - 1987 (8)	Jim Pancake C - 1983 (8)

Fact: 23% of the Twins’ 1986 draft class were players named Michael or Mike.

24. Arizona Diamondbacks - 42 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Clint Goocher LHP - 2002 (6)	Khari Council 1B - 2000 (5)	Houston Summers C - 2005 (10)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
John Adams OF -1997 (6)	Kawika Emsley-Pai C - 2010 (8)	Tutu Moye SS - 1997 (6)

There's an inherent disadvantage with these rankings when it comes to expansion teams. They did pretty well, considering. It must be tough being named after an unlucky series of coin flips.

25. Colorado Rockies - 42 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Mudcat Brewer OF - 1994 (9)	Bryce Coppieters OF - 1999 (5)	Rusty Puffinharger C - 1994 (6?)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Chris Cooper 2B - 1993 (7)	Torry Zerilla SS - 1992 (8)	David Groseclose SS - 1995 (7)

See above. At least this one makes me think about Lone Star and The Bourne Identity.

26. Washington Nationals - 42 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Cord Corbitt LHP - 1988 - (8)	Embry Pendarvis SS - 1970 (5)	Randy Toogood C - 1974 (6)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Stephen King SS - 2006 (8)	Orval Vickery RHP - 1969 (6)	Lawrence Groover LHP - 1972 (9)

The Expos/Nationals have drafted three different players named Steve King or Stephen King.

27. St. Louis Cardinals - 41 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Brad Beanblossom SS 1990 (5)	Doak Wishon OF - 1990 (5)	Jean-Paul Gentleman SS - 1987 (10)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Randy Rhodes 2B - 1975 (10)	Basil Shabazz OF - 1991 (6)	Jaqua Moon RHP - 1999 (5)

Easiest "10" of the rankings: Jean-Paul Gentleman, mostly because it could have fit at every category except famous person, and that's ridiculous because there should be a famous person named Jean-Paul Gentleman.

28. Chicago White Sox - 40 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Twain Freeman RHP - 1982 (6)	Nathander Pettaway 1B - 1968 (7)	Alfonso Mounts OF - 1997 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Robert Palmer C - 1973 (6)	Terry Winkelhake C - 1983 (7)	Kinnis Pledger OF - 1987 (5)

With both the White Sox and Cubs ...

29. Chicago Cubs - 39 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Vee Hightower OF - 1993 (6)	Daron Mooneyharn SS - 1991 (5)	Elvatous Peters OF - 1966 (9)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Ryan Lewis/Tyler Clark (back-to-back picks in 2007) (8)	Elby Bushong C - 1966 (6)	Roark Birsner RHP - 1994 (5)

... there were so, so many Jones Smiths and John Jones and Brad Thompsons and Rick Andersons. Boring name after boring name. It was like a Chicago conspiracy. Though for this one I'm imagining that "elvatous" is a really suggestive adjective.

30. Philadelphia Phillies - 38 total points

Character in a '50s Western	Fantasy Novel Character	Actor/Actress in Adult Film
Preston Underdown 2B - 2000 (6)	Roger Rodeheaver 1B - 1998 (6)	Kenneth Bangsberg LHP - 1967 (5)
Famous Person	You'd pay to hear Harry Caray pronounce this name	Wild Card
Charlie Brown OF - 1965 (5)	Butch Baccala RHP - 1983 (7)	Adolph Crump C - 1981 (9)

For a last-place ranking, these are still pretty good, but there's nothing that stands out that much, though I'd definitely watch a mystery series on BBC about Adolph Crump.

The draft supplies the world's greatest game with its players, but it also shares the greatest names in the world with future generations. What name will be the most awesome of the 2011 draft?

Also, the first person I see rocking an Augusta Massingill A's jersey will have his or her drinks paid for alllll night.

previous Power Rankings:

5/31 - Team logos

5/24 - Annoying people

5/17 - Song titles

5/10 - Hair metal bands

5/3 - Sitcom locations

4/24 - Team names