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50. Troy Tulowitzki catches a ball with his bat
(Via Grant Brisbee)
When you’re a mile above sea level, man, weird stuff happens. To physics, chemistry, all kinds of stuff. Did you know that in Denver, you can roast an entire chicken in eight minutes? That’s completely made up and not true and I don’t want you to get food poisoning so don’t try it, but did you know that?
49. Bulls fan is shamed out of wearing his snappy hat
(Via Video Gone Viral)
Marvin had been goofy hat-free for a year. His wife made a big to-do about it and everything: a party, a cake with candles, all that, like it was his birthday or something. She invited all his friends. None of his old friends, though. They were out somewhere wearing big novelty hats, like Marvin used to do.
The next day, Marvin walked to his car after work, but he didn't go home. He hesitated for just a moment as he heard the echoes of his wife: "Marvin, your enthusiasm for novelty hats is tearing this family apart. You're a mess! You're a big goofy hat-wearing mess! If I catch you with a festive hat one more time, I'm moving out, and I'm taking the children with me."
But he hesitated only for a moment. He reached for his phone and called his friend: "we're going to the ballgame. Bring a silly hat." And not long after, Marvin sat at the game, having stopped at the concession booth for the biggest ten-gallon hat they had. He had rolled off the bandwagon, and it felt like Heaven.
And then he saw himself on the Jumbotron. Oh God, he thought, she's going to see me. And the party was over. Somewhere in this world, a man was acting as he wanted, free of addictions, free of vices, without fault, living as a man should live. But this man was not Marvin.
48. LSU's Sam Montgomery hugs official after fight
(Via @bubbaprog at Mocksession)
It's like Sam Montgomery is a character in The Sims, and you just clicked the "hug" bubble over his head. The official responded with a speech bubble that read, "#&#$!" Later, Montgomery was spotted near midfield, dancing without music next to a mess of dirty dinner plates that were lying on the ground and a flaming trash basket. That's the entire point of The Sims, right? That's all that ever happened when I played it, anyway.
47. Aldon Smith hurries back to bench to avoid another 'unsportsmanlike conduct' call
Here we see mild-mannered Aldon Smith as he discreetly makes his exit and transforms into his alter ego, Sitting-On-Bench Man. How is it that nobody ever figures out the superhero's identity in these things? It's just the same guy without a helmet! This was basically the worst comic book.
46. Andy Dalton throws ball in completely wrong direction
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. Now, listen. Working as a referee in the NFL means taking responsibility of several duties.
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. What kinds of duties?
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. Well, as the official who stands behind the line of scrimmage, you’ll be the one to call "roughing the passer" or "roughing the punter," which often fall in difficult gray areas. You will also be the one to view video replays and explain complex penalty calls to the crowd. In addition, you--
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. Okay, okay, let’s cut to the quick. Will I ever get hit in the wiener with the football?
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. … what?
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. Straightforward question. If I’m referee, will I ever run the risk of the football hitting me smack in the wiener?
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. Oh. No. Never, ever, ever. From where you are on the field, such a scenario would be nearly impossible.
(Via @cjzero)
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. Terrific! I would like to accept the position.
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. Excellent! Glad to have you aboard.
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. Thank you for this opportunity. You know, I’m making a career change here. I used to work at a getting-punched-in-the-wiener factory, and let me tell you, brother, I have some stories.
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. Oh really? My nephew used to work there!
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. Really? What did he do?
HEAD OF FOOTBALL OFFICIALS’ UNION. Well, he started off as a guy who got punched in the wiener, and eventually he worked his way up to the guy who punches other guys in the wiener.
PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYEE. Right on, right on.