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5. The runaway golf cart
One moment, the guy in the blue shirt and khakis was mingling. The next, he was reclined over the front seat of a utility cart. "Pfffft y'all trippin', I gotta bounce. AUTOCART GO!" Nobody was seriously injured here, which makes this the most ballin' exit of all time.
Or at least, it would have been. As field staffers raced to his aid, his mind raced desperately to come up with the ballin-est accompanying rap jam he could think of. Something to really complete the moment. Unfortunately, this was the only rap he knew.
The greatest opportunities are wasted on the unprepared. Pity.
4. DOINK
(Via Jagfire from the Something Awful forums)
This throw was supposed to slice through spacetime, creating a wormhole through which Robert Griffin III could enter his native dimension, the Griffin Continuum, in which he and the 73 other Roberts Griffin could use their limitless powers to rule the universe with a just hand. But he missed his chance and now he is confined forever to Earth, where the Winters are cold and the cable television packages cannot be broken up a la carte. You would despair, too.
3. Ski-ba-bop-ba-dop-bop
(Via River Avenue Blues)
A cautionary lesson to clubhouse managers: make sure you stock enough baseballs. Because if you don't, suddenly it's the ninth inning and you're out of baseballs, and the game has to be played with one of those bouncing dots that appear above lyrics in sing-alongs.
Unfortunately for the Yankees' infield, the bouncing sing-along dot was borrowed from this song.
2. Jim Thome and Delmon Young
(Via Baseball Nation's Jeff Sullivan)
A less biased curator of this list might not rank this so highly. As for myself, I had to fight the urge to rank it at No. 1.
These days, the baseball world is primarily occupied with debating the legacy of players whose greatest years came during the Steroid Era. Jeff Bagwell, who probably ranks as one of the best first basemen of all time, was not voted into the Hall of Fame this year. Not because we know he used PEDs, or because anyone has any evidence that he used PEDs, or even because anyone is specifically accusing him.
I like to follow along with the facts and debates surrounding the PED issue, because it's interesting to see what other people think, but I just don't care anymore. Don't do steroids. Do all the steroids in the world. Do three or four steroids. Do, like, 30 steroids. Do half a steroid. I do not care. For a time I tried to get myself to care because I felt as though I should have an opinion.
It didn't take, and I think it will be to my benefit. Because a few years down the road, Jim Thome -- one of my favorite players -- will become Hall of Fame-eligible, and based on how Hall voters have regarded Bagwell a decade after the fact, it seems reasonable to assume that Thome will be subject to the same brand of pseudo-scrutiny. And if I cared, and if he didn't make it in, I couldn't bear it.
I love the Hall of Fame and I would love to visit it but I no longer really care how they choose to decorate it. I want to drag a pallet of chipboard out into the middle of a wheat field and crudely nail up my own Hall of Fame, with the walls bearing the names, scrawled with a half-dried Sharpie, of everyone who can hit the baseball hard as a motherf***.
In these times, I appreciate baseball as Delmon Young appreciates baseball. HOOOOOOOOOO.
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1. BEHOLD THE MORTIFIED MICHIGAN PUNTER
(Via @bubbaprog at Mocksession)
PUNTCON THREAT LEVEL PROTOCOLS
PUNTCON-5
- go ahead an' punt the ball! looks like you're all ready, freddy!
- you're gonna give yer team slam-bang field position! gee whiz! don't that make you feel super?
- if y'get nervous, just tell yerself: "it's fourth down, no reason to frown!"
- if somethin' bonks ya on yer noggin, don't give it no nevermind! it's probly nothin'!
- well where's th'ball, ya dingbat?
- heh! you'd lose yer head if it wasn't bolted to yer neck, ya know what!
- okeydoke! welp! time to let 'em have it! time t'punt it into Lake Michigan!
- (just joshin' ya, y'can't really punt it that far, y'sure can punt it a long way though!)
- OK wait but really, where's th'ding-dang ball
PUNTCON-3
- okeydoke. okeydoke stay calm
- did ya misplace the ball? maybe y'left it in yer dorm room!
- did ya let one of yer pals borrow it for football class?
- there ain't no football class!
- freak out
PUNTCON-2
- FREAK OUT
- FREAK OUT
- D'AW TINKERTOYS THE BALL BONKED OFF YER NOGGIN!
- WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO?1!?
- ASK TH'COACH FOR ANOTHER FOOTBALL
- YA CAN'T GET ANOTHER FOOTBALL! IT'S THE ONLY ONE Y'GOT!
- HOW Y'S'POSED TO PUNT TH'FOOTBALL IF YOU AIN'T GOT A HANGDANG FOOTBALL
- [deep breath]
PUNTCON-1
- WHATAREYAGONNADOYACANTPUNTTHEDANGBALLONACCOUNTO'YADONTGOTABALL!
- TRYPUNTINWITHOUTTH'FOOTBALLAN'SEEWHATHAPPENSYACAN'TDOTHAT!!!
- COACHISGONNABEREALMADTELLHIMITWASANACCIDENTNOTGOODENOUGH
- NOWYERTEAMAINTGOTNOFIELDPOSITION!Y'REALLYSQUEEZEDTH'SPONGEONTHISONE
- AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW FLAPJACKS