The List: names of real people who will attend Alabama-LSU

Ronald Martinez

(DISCLAIMER: names may not be real.)

1. Buckshot Gutierrez

2. Remy Chardonnay

3. Airboat Swanson

4. Crumpkin Bumblesnatch

5. Cooper Riley

6. Riley Cooper

7. Governor Faubus Crackerwimple

8. Jeep. (No last name, just Jeep.)

9. Ezekiel Ezekiel Ezekiel (aka Tray-Z)

10. Hoss Buggerlips, Esq.

11. Mandingo Boudreau

12. Samoa Brandon

13. Samantha Ma'am-Jr.

14. Timothy Spano, AKA "Bearhug"

15. Jean-Baptiste LePetomane

16. Panties Glib-Trucksmith

17. Deer-Gigger Baines

18. LaDonnaLynne Norbit

19. Boss Nutria (is actual nutria)

20. Ms Missy Activia Waters-Cartwright

21. Tostitos Bowl Landry

22. Robert E. Lee Greenwood

23. Ant Lord

24. No fewer than 2000 coeds named Lauren, Lauryn, or Loryn

25. Hypolite "Cracklins" Merceaux-Realtree

26. Aloysius Pretzel Dog Vilmur

27. 817 toddlers named "Bear"; 47 more named "Saban"

28. Switchblade Magneaulia

29. Mason, Jayden, Brayden, Cayden, and Aiden McElroy

30. J-Bill Brodiecroyle DeVry

31. Magnanimous Parsons (pronounced "Michigan Pennywhistle")

32. Jose Carlos Rodriguez-Romney

33. Braxton Chilicothe-Lambeau

34. Pelican Santiago

35. Big Fish Johnnie (actual birth name)

36. Jury Executioner Reinhold IX

37 Sweet Tits Fisher (a slender 39-year-old Hmong man)

38 Skyler and Schuyler Parsons-Bryant (fraternal twins)

39. Etoufée "Billz" Delacroiz

40. Lamborghini Jones

41. Four extremely angry white men named Darius Rucker

42. Mercutio Steakspoon

43. Patty-Melt O'Houlihan

44. Ayteevee Duplessis

45. "Bulges" Applejammer

46. Greg L'Egg

47. Undertaker The Wrestler Simmons Jr.

48. Shreveportia Boisfeuillet

49. Venus Frytrapp

50. Jepperdee Jones-Bigtree

51. Wine Mouth Glorybell

52. Flake Golden

53. Jefferson Davis Finebaum

(With submissions by Spencer Hall, Bill Hanstock, and Jon Bois)

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