It's time for another NBA season! Now that baseball is done, and hockey is derping itself to death, now would be a good time to start watching a little basketball in between weekend football binges. I'm not here to deliver insightful commentary for these games, though. I'm here to give you a delicious and thematically appropriate pregame meal. This week, we'll take a look at what to make before Monday's Knicks at Sixers game.
Because the game is being played in Philly, what better item could you make than a cheesesteak? I once took a train through Philadelphia, making me an expert at the classic Philly sandwich. It may seem simple, but as you'll see, we'll work in a few New York elements for you Knicks fans out there.
Step 1: The first ingredient we'll need is beef. You may not have a cow outside to slaughter, so you will have to get your meatslabs elsewhere. You can get beef in many places - cans, pouches, or inside a box. That's just where we'll find it today. Find two frozen burger patties.
STEP 2: We're ready for our first New York ingredient. Remember, you'll want as much cheese as you can stuff into this sandwich, so your automatic reaction should be to add a cheesecake. This may be a bit expensive to find, so I recommend trying to guilt your parents into buying it the next time they come to visit your apartment. Tell them you need it for your class/work/hangover.
STEP 3: Slice a wedge out of the cheesecake and fry it alongside the cow circles.
STEP 4: Remember to break apart the patties with a pointy thing and mix in that cheesecake. You'll really want the flavors to intermingle. Beef grease and slowly deteriorating cake make a perfect complement to any meal. When everything is brown and pasty, set it aside, and let it all congeal together into a lump. This hardening will let you move it to your sandwich easier!
STEP 5: Next up is the cheese sauce. You may think we've already added cheese, but we are far from done. The first rule of internet food is: When it is possible to add cheese, do so. Together, you and I will mix together a set of exotic jarred refrigerator cheeses. First up is Cheez Whiz. Remember, Cheez Whiz is a necessity for a REAL Philly cheese steak. No other processed cheese is orange enough. Put a blob of it into the blender.
STEP 6: Next up should be obvious. Philadelphia Cream cheese. You may think you already have cream cheese in the cheesecake, but how can you be sure? You didn't make it. It could be American slices, Velveeta, or spray cheese! It's best to be safe and add some of your own.
STEP 7: Grab a handful of of cream cheese and toss it into the blender with the Cheez Whiz. Since you want this to be as orange as possible, put some Tang in to counteract the white cream cheese.
STEP 8: For our next New York ingredient, we'll want to add in Brooklyn-Style pizza. Now, you may not have access to this. I know I don't. Pizza is expensive! Ingenuity is required here.
FOODTIP: Triple the meat is triple the fun!
STEP 9: Throw the bag in the microwave and push buttons until hot. The bag may be soft! It may also have melted a little bit depending on how many times you pushed ‘9'. Make sure to extract Pizza Rolls that do not have molten plastic on it. Put a few of these into the blender. Eat the rest as a reward!
STEP 10: We'll need one final Philadelphia ingredient.
STEP 11: Tastykake foods are a Philadelphia staple. Did you know that Philly fans once threw Tastykake donuts at Andy Reid? Unfortunately, this action was mistakenly received as praise. Now it's your turn to throw some into our very own pile of fat. Afterwards, push the fastest blend button you have.
STEP 12: It's time to put it all together. We'll need a bun. How about a New York bagel? That should keep all this cheese and meat in place.
STEP 13: Take a fistful each of coagulated beef and cheese pulp and put it onto your sandwich. It may be hot! If so, put on an oven mitt first before scooping.
STEP 14: You'll need some toppings. Cheesesteaks sometimes have onions, so if you'd like, throw a bag of Funyons on top. (Remember to take the Funyons out of the bag first!) For us, since this is a basketball party, why not make a small, round orange ball? If only we knew of some culinary concoction that matched that description...
STEP 15: Make this Tangball extra big, so when you put the top on, it squishes out into the cheese.
YOU'RE FINISHED! Now you have a Cheesesteak that any Philadelphian would be proud to eat/throw.