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Skip Bayless Is The Best Parody Of Skip Bayless

The New York Observer wrote a profile of Skip Bayless. If you do not know who Skip Bayless is, please stop reading. You have hopes for humanity, and dream of a world made better for your children. Stay golden, and do not enter this dark realm of shattered dreams and burning meaning. Only ashes and sorrow await you.

If you do know who he is, you've lost everything already, so keep reading.

It would be wonderful to satirize Bayless, but that is impossible. Skip Bayless is already the best parody anyone will write about Skip Bayless thanks to this piece.

Exhibit A:

“It’s not an act,” Mr. Bayless insisted. “It’s not a character. It’s the real me. I’m not a shock jock. I never ambush anybody. I just speak my mind and my heart and my soul.”

It's no act. It's not an act when Larry the paint-huffing homeless man assaults a gutted payphone stand at the local convenience store, either. He believes the gutted stand is telling him to destroy the world. He believes he can only do it by using his super-pee to melt the grail of Satan, a grail that coincidentally is also a road sign in front of a playground full of elementary schoolers. In both cases, people watch out of boredom and terrified curiosity, and not because it itself has any value. Children weep and scream at the sight of either, and Skip Bayless is just our deranged hobo exposing himself daily for the horror of bored bystanders.

Exhibit B:

DURING OUR INTERVIEW, Mr. Bayless looked relaxed and fit—much more Felix Unger than Oscar Madison. Still, he said that First Take had taken a toll on him. “The energy drain of the show is incomprehensible,” he said.

Ray Kurzweil's body lay dead, long since exhausted of all life energy. Neil deGrasse Tyson stood in a corner, close to death, his brain smoking through his ears. Stephen Hawking's computer had died trying to keep up; the man himself was asleep, having shut off all attempts to understand the question after realizing no man could understand it.

The math said you could only suggest Tim Tebow was a good NFL quarterback 14 times in a row before passing out. Bayless had done it 38 times in 15 minutes. "It's...truly incomprehensible," said Zombie Carl Sagan. "It is." said Bayless, who then beheaded Sagan with one blow and suggested LeBron James would never be able to do anything but kill three-quarters of a zombie.

Exhibit C:

Since the change to two hours of live debate, Mr. Bayless claims he has the hardest job at ESPN...After the show, he often lifts weights. “I’m pretty ripped,” he said confidently. “The pressure of the show drains me. It’s why I work out so hard. It’s why I’m jacked. I have to be to stand up to the beating of it.”

The winds ripped off Annapurna's snowy peak. "We can't make the top!" yelled Jay Crawford clinging to the ridge. Bayless squirted an entire tube of condensed milk into his mouth. He swallowed, and then steeled himself.

"I yell at people for two hours a day. I can climb this mountain, Jay. i might even do it while calling the mountain 'gay.' Or should I call you 'Annie Purna,' gay mountain? I think that's what I'm going to call you on national tv, Annie. Prepare to be hectored unlike any 8000 foot peak has ever been hectored, Annie. I lift weights and yell at stuff. It's the hardest job any adult named Skip has ever done ever."

Bayless climbed that mountain. Then he called it a woman, soft, or possibly homosexual. It was a good day, and the hardest thing ever done by anyone. He went back to camp and then lifted weights and told everyone about it.

-- an excerpt from How I Put A Smackdown On Annie Purna, Or How I Do The Toughest Job By Calling Men Women And Feeding Stupid People StupidFood For Two Hours A Day And Move Over, Brain Surgeons And NAVY SEALS. By Skip Bayless, and new on Random House in 2012.