This Week In Schadenfreude: Michigan Throws Itself In The Wood Chipper

[Hi. If you don't remember or are new, this is a recap of the funniest, worst, most-bizarre things said on the internet by college football fans over the weekend. Your author also runs MGoBlog and is a diehard Michigan guy.]

I could probably do this entire column just on Michigan after they took a 41-14 thrashing from Alabama and lost starting corner Blake Countess for the year with an ACL tear. Before we get to the Countess thing, we have to deal with something else: me.

This column consists of me trawling the internet for the angriest, saddest, least sane things available about college football (and Washington fans referencing Ty Willingham). On some level it's about making fun of the unhinged, but more than that I'm just relieved that I'm not alone. TWIS is about laughing at your rivals, thanking the football gods that they have spared us this week, commiserating when they haven't, and finding Washington fans comparing their current coaching staff to Ty Willingham.

Since I am the sort of person who features in TWIS, I have to give it to myself just as hard as that guy on the Dawgpound typing "SARK = TY!!!!" So… yeah, I started drinking during the game because obviously, and then I started tweeting because it was gallows humor time, and things got a little out of control.

wow experience

Michigan's athletic director, a marketing droid from the bowels of MBA hell, likes to say this is what he delivers.

zero called Denard runs in three drives.

yeah, let's run Vincent Smith from the I.

This is retarded. Borges is asking Denard to throw into NFL windows.

Descending now with fairly standard offensive bitching. Our beat guy Heiko asks me if I'm drunk; he has no idea.

at what point can i stop watching this?

31-0 now. I do not actually stop watching this.

wow experience.

I do not like Michigan's athletic director.

HEY THAT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA

First called run of the night for Denard.

@JayRodddddd A NOOSE IS A ROPE

@zucko WE ARE THE WEAK

FLANGE FLANGE FLANGE FLANGE DEATH.,

At halftime things go downhill, and I turn into horse_ebooks.

wow experience RT @AA_Lew It's not WOW experience, it's BOWEL experience.

wow experience wow wow. wow. wow experience. wow experience wow.

Still not a fan of athletic director.

kevin devin slevin mevin smith

Musberger keeps calling Vincent Smith "Kevin" and "Devin."

goddammit herbstreit you have no idea what you're talking about you might as well be a plant a talking plant

I stand by this one.

wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub i need a bathtub and some hot korean chicks wubwubwbuwbuwbububuwbu

IE commercial or something? I don't even know.

i just started laughing like Walter White in that one episode of Breaking Bad.

someone photoshop my head on this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gzpkPy7H700 …

This actually happened.

QB runs just make me mad now. THAT IS THE SADDEST THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN

: (

Denard is on the ground, holding his back.

thanks for the seventh-worst four hours of my life, Dave Brandon.

And he rescheduled #1!

deer carcass deer carcass deer carcass SOCCER MOM ABATTOIR

Right, horse_ebooks. That was the end of the game, which is good. Obviously. Scott Tenorman of the Week: your author.

Now for Countess. Here's a play-by-play breakdown of various screaming insta-react comments at MGoBlog, ordered by frequency:

• f-bomb: 7, three all-caps, four extended
• variations on "noooooooo": 5
• : ( emoticons: 4
• Michael Scott "no god no" gif/youtube: 4
• this is a dong punch: 2
• FFFFFFUUUUUUU: just one, surprisingly
• effin' a: 1
• god f-bombin' dammit: 1
• why: 1
• sad sad sad sad: 1
• good lord: just one, but from a guy who'd been a member for over a year and had posted one word to date in his mgocareer.
• "I once had a pickle on a burger that looked like Bruce Jenner": 1. Seriously.

If you're ever in need of agonized gifs, that's your thread. I declare Shatner the winner:

Michigan, you receive the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness even though this is kind of what everybody expected going in. Well done, us.

The rest of the week in spleen:

ACC

N.C. State got blitzed by the Bray-Bray, and they're taking it hard:

Volmageddon – Why It’s So Emotionally Devastating

After a full night’s sleep…it doesn’t feel one bit better. Last night was an unmitigated disaster. The opportunity the game presented (to make a statement on the national stage) will not be repeated. Even if we win the ACC – admittedly a laughable notion right now – we will just be the new sacrificial lamb put up for January slaughter. A feeble reminder of why the college football world can’t wait to be rid of the BCS.

Ouch. Meanwhile, Tennessee fans are thinking "we did this to someone else?"

Maryland beat William & Mary 7-6. Also they're calling Randy Edsall "Rangoon" for an as-yet inexplicable reason. Is he deep-fried and crabby … heyyyyyy HE IS. Point Maryland. You'll need it.

Big East

The without-question most humiliating pratfall of the week goes to Pitt, two-touchdown losers to I-AA Youngstown State. Pitt was at least 11 points down for the last 27 minutes of the game. This is all Todd Graham's fault. (Seriously.) But Pitt fans aren't having it:

can we just hire the ysu coach?

Comment by The Atlanta Panther 09.01.12 @ 9:01 pm

Stability.

Everybody associated with coaching this crap sandwich should be fired before they leave the stadium.

Comment by Imma Man! Im 40! 09.01.12 @ 9:16 pm

Patience.

6 head coaches over 3 years + 1 AD + 123 years + ass kicking administered by YSU = Same old Pitt.

Time to face facts.

Pitt must drop football.

With that sage advice, I ride off into the sunset.
Adios fellas.

Comment by SFPitt 09.01.12 @ 9:26 pm

Moderation. The internet!

Wow….we… are… Duke.

Comment by Palm Beach Panther 09.01.12 @ 9:00 pm

At least "We Are Penn State" is a lot closer to "We Are Duke" these days, amirite?

Syracuse lost. Crying child is TWIS tradition:

Big 12

Nobody played a real team; everybody won. I tried to find a Savannah State message board on which people were complaining, but there's no such thing.

Big Ten

Penn State… never mind. It's bad enough that everything else happened. Piling Ted Roof, defensive coordinator on top of that is evil even for Crazy Old Testament God. I declare a season-long moratorium on Penn State schadenfreude unless I find something just amazing.

Minnesota actually won, but it was touch and go at UNLV for a long time and I was following the #gophers tag on twitter long enough to catch this:

This is the point where we just start hoping we can get out of here without our coach having a seizure. #gophers

— Double-u Kay (@ZombieWill) August 31, 2012

Ohhhhhhhhh, shiiiiiiiiiii—wow. Wow.

Also, screw you Buffalo Wild Wings and your stupid overtime commercials, screw you.

Are you kidding me? 4 minutes left in the #Gophers game and Buffalo Wild Wings is kicking everyone out?!

— Jonathan Meyer (@gopherjon) August 31, 2012

Pac-12

Cal cut the ribbon on their brand-spanking new revamp of Memorial Field, took the field against Nevada, and lost. This is about right.

I think this pretty accurately sums up the day

After a deflating Cal loss you get a unique sort of depression. A nerdy depression unparalleled in college football:

Losing sucks ass. It sucks as much ass as an industrial ass-sucking machine. It sucks ass with verve, efficiency, and intensity. …

Chris Harper has a tractor beam in his left hand. Based on the evidence of his touchdown, I am completely certain that for at least one snap Chris Harper tapped into a previously unknown X-Men-esque mutation to will the ball into his left hand, there forever to stay. Every time I think of that catch I get the warm and fuzzies. Then I think about the rest of the game, and I remember that losing sucks ass. Then I try to think of nothing at all, but then I think of Chris Harper’s Amazing Spider-Man (fucking mixed comics metaphors HOW DO THEY WORK) impression, and the cycle begins again.

Northwestern has an 18th-century history/sports blog, but damned if anyone else can touch that. Stanford, step your game up.

And if that wasn't bad enough, they switched to Pepsi!

I think the movie "The Invention of Lying" got it right as to what the purpose of Pepsi is in their "honest commercials": Pepsi… for when there is no Coke.

So I was pretty disappointed when I saw that they were dispensing Pepsi products.

SSSSOOOOOOOOO disappointing!

Elsewhere in the league, Colorado lost to Colorado State again, and not even one of those old Sonny Lubick teams that would punch random passersby in the mouth. This calls for something entirely reasonable:

We need a hostile takeover of the University

Unfortunately, none of this will change until Benson, Distefano, and Bohn are displaced from their positions. 10 straight losing seasons. Just saying.... it's the only way wholesale change happens at CU.

Until then, it's lip service and window dressing from men not fit not lead.

This looks promising!

Here is the official sign up for the Occupy CU, Allbuffs list
Pleases bring some snacks and capri suns for the group
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

…until the thread peters out three comments later.

SEC

Kentucky football failing is not a notable occurrence. Derek Dooley almost got chased out of Tennessee last year when the Vols lost to Kentucky for the first time since life arose on Earth. Last year's most famous bit of trash talk ("they s'posed to be SEC") was directed at the Wildcats by a Western Kentucky player. Kentucky is not good at football. They proved this further last weekend, losing to Louisville 32-14.

But even the perpetual malaise of Wildcat football cannot obscure the shining beacon of failure that happened Saturday:

An all-timer. First, the big splashy fail that is the centerpiece. Then the eye drifts to the brah having a moment with the older black guy behind him. An awkward, awkward moment. It's okay, guys, you're breaking down barriers. Next time you'll get it.

Next, the guy in the bottom right. Oh god, the guy in the bottom right. The guy who misses by a mile. He doesn't care! Something moderately positive has happened at a Kentucky football game! Yeah! Jazzy! Look at my interracial bros! Breakin' barriers! Far out!

In the top corner, the forever alone anonymity of a man offscreen left hanging. He knew the score. Those guys are talking about hunting. The flattop brah isn't even looking. But maybe … just maybe … human contact is achievable. Maybe this time. No. Maybe this time. No. Keep looking, though. One day, flattop brah will see forever alone offscreen man, and something disastrous will happen.

Finally, you return to the centerpiece, and notice something. What is it? It's behind the fail.It's hard to make out. It's just a frame. A single frame revealed just before the reset. A frame of utter, Mortified-Michigan-Punter horror.

This is the greatest thing Kentucky football has ever or will ever do.

NEXT WEEK: several more Michigan starters have their ACLs exploded by Air Force cut blocks. Pitt takes on an actual I-A team. Ty Willingham comparisons fly fast and furious in the aftermath of the LSU-Washington game. And the Nebraska-UCLA loser fuuuuuumes.

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