'Surf's Up': A sports movie where birds pee on each other

Surf's Up is a Sony Animation film that was released in 2007. It stars Shia LaBeouf as an unbelievable shithead, which we're all accustomed to by now, but in this film he's a penguin! WHOOOOAAAAA.

Actually, let's start over. Surf's Up is a movie about a bunch of surfing penguins. It is also a movie that is obsessed with phalluses (phallii?) for some reason. But we'll get to that. This is a sports movie and we're a sports website. So let's start talking about penguin genitals, I guess.

Flash-forward several years: Bill is attempting to convince a disbelieving tax attorney that someone used to pay him to write about penguin genitals

Okay, so this movie is presented as though it's a documentary. We even get a slate to start things off!

And a boom mic! Totally a documentary!

This guy with all the crap on his face is our LaBeouf avatar. We'll get to him in a minute, believe you me. He starts off by telling us the history of surfing, which apparently involves cave paintings of surfing penguins.

And classical works of art.

Okay, that ukiyo-e of a surfing penguin is pretty awesome. Well played, convoluted alternate-history montage. Trust me, we're going to delve deeper into the mythological problems of this post-penguin-singularity (pengularity) universe, but for now we gotta get through this backstory so bear with me here.

There is some old surfing footage of longboarding penguins, but Penguin LaBeouf says that things really didn't take off until a legendary surfer named Big Z showed up.

Big Z was apparently like Elvis, if Elvis starred in The Endless Summer.

Man, now I'm just sad Elvis didn't star in The Endless Summer. Come to think of it, Elvis really didn't take his shirt off a lot for a sex symbol, did he? Hang on, I gotta GIS "Elvis+shirtless."

Okay, there's a definite reason Elvis didn't take his shirt off much. MOVIN' ON.

Big Z traveled the globe, bringing the gift of surfing to everyone (and by "everyone" I mean "mostly penguins, but almost exclusively birds"). He came to Antarctica and met Young Penguin LaBeouf and gave him a necklace and told him to always believe in himself, which is apparently the reason there is a documentary being made about this guy. Who actually has a name, but "Penguin LaBeouf" is probably what I'm sticking with.

Of course, Big Z died during a surfing competition years ago, so there's probably no way that's going to be a plot point later, so let's just meet some characters, shall we?

Oh yeah, like "Cody Maverick" is a better name than "Penguin LaBeouf." PFFFFFFFFTTTTT. That's his Big Z necklace, as you can see, which goes real well with his tribal tattoo-style penguin markings and his magnificent blonde plumage. Cody here lives in "Shiverpool, Antarctica" (cute), where he works at the fish-sorting mounds, which he readily admits doesn't make sense.

There is no reason for him to have a "job," but again, we'll get back to that later. He is put-upon by his mother and his brother, the latter of whom is voiced by an almost criminally-underutilized Brian Posehn.

Their father is dead.

Cody takes a bunch of guff from his family and is accused of shirking his responsibilities constantly, because all he really wants to do is surf, man. He rides a surfboard made out of a piece of ice, because sure, why not. At night he pines away at the moon and makes his surfboard look like a big weird ice-dong.

Real mature, Cody. Important side-note. When he's looking at the moon from atop his ice-boner, there's an Incubus song playing. Which seems somewhat redundant.

I should also mention that the first montage of Penguin LaBeouf surfing (during the opening credits) is set to an instrumental version of "Holiday" by Green Day. This is the first of many, many questionable music cue choices, because when I think of a $100 million major-studio animated family penguin-surfing movie, of course I immediately go, "Oh, we GOTTA use the song that says, 'Sieg heil to the resident gas man.'" And then everyone else in the room goes, "Hey, YEAH!" and then we have a big money fight.

MEANWHILE, IN ANOTHER PLACE:

This ... I dunno, let's say he's an otter. I'm pretty sure that's right. Anyway, this otter is a surf promoter and he's voiced by James Woods, because if you need someone sleazy and Willem Dafoe isn't available, you call James Woods. Giving a sleazy promoter Don King hair is so on-the-nose that  it's difficult to believe, but here we are. Anyway, Otter Woods here sends a shorebird named Mikey Abromowitz around the world to scout for surfing talent that he can exploit and bring to the big annual surfing showdown. Yeah, there's a put-upon nebbish named MIKE ABROMOWITZ, who is voiced by MARIO CANTONE and it's like a whirling dervish of hackneyed stereotypes that not even six years of film theory can help me parse.

Oh, we get our first actual dick of the movie during this hot tub scene, also:

Yes, actual dick. Yes, there is more than one instance of a dick being taken out during this talking penguin movie. Just ... just hang in there, everyone. We can get through this together.

Anyway, Mikey goes to Antarctica to scout Penguin LaBeouf, who fails spectacularly at his tryout and Mikey is like "nah, pass" and boards his whale back to whereverthehell, but LaBeouf chases down the whale, begging them to take him with them because he can't stand his meaningless life another second. Mikey's contingent finds his desperation so amusing that they agree to take him with them to the big surfin' competition. I'm not kidding. Surfer LaBeouf fucks up being a surfer and they take him along to the world surfing championships as a goof. THAT'S OUR HERO.

Sports Penguin Entertainment Network. That's the acronym joke they went with. Surfin' Penguins Every Night. See Penguins Eat Nougat. Some Penguins Enjoy Nourishment. Okay FINE you win this round, Surf's Up.

This is the main villain of the film (insomuch as there is a villain). He is voiced by Diedrich Bader. He has a whole bunch of tribal tattoos. He's also by far the most ripped penguin. He also kinda looks like he has a pointy dong in this picture. Please don't put a Brazzers logo on this image or anything.

This is Chicken Joe, who is an oblivious chicken voiced by Jon Heder. He's like the least-developed and most unnecessary comic relief you've ever seen in a movie of this type. As an aside: Jon Heder was smart as hell because he did as many movies as possible right when he became famous, so good for him

Chicken Joe and Penguin LaBeouf become immediate friends and travel to the island that the James Woods otter ... owns, I guess? That's where the competition is going to be. The place is crawling with sweet 'guin tail and Chicken Joe immediately gets what I thought was like a but-henna but upon closer inspection I believe is meant to be a hand-tipped tattoo. On his butt.

I'm not sure how tattooing on feathers is supposed to work. Other than "it wouldn't," I mean. Is this the point at which we should have our discussion on the logistics of this universe? No, I guess that can wait for another image.

Anyway, Chicken Joe and Penguin LaBeouf are having a great time checking out all the sights and sounds of this very small island and getting acclimated to the local fare and customs. Also, when  they arrive at this island, "Welcome to Paradise" by Green Day kicks in. Yep, the second Green Day song of the movie. Are they going for a record or something?

Chicken Joe brings Shia LaPenguin a bunch of squids-on-a-stick, which PengLaBeouf is reluctant to eat. He finally relents and says it tastes good, coming right to the precipice of saying, "It tastes like chicken," before stopping himself because he realizes his friend is a chicken, but Chicken Joe is so oblivious he likely wouldn't have noticed, anyway.

Okay, so.

This penguin knows what chicken tastes like.

Despite the fact that in this world, this penguin lives in Antarctica, where they subsist on fish, which are depicted as non-intelligent. (We even get to see a fish chopped open by his mom. We also see a fish regurgitated multiple times, but I'm choosing to focus on dongs and stuff.) And despite the fact that in this world, a chicken is as large as a penguin and possesses the same level of intelligence. (Ability to surf, ability to wear grass skirts and buy food, etc.)

Let's compare and contrast with another similarly-baffling mythos, shall we? In the Cars universe, there are no humans. All vehicles are sentient. The universe is set on something almost exactly like Earth, but where all forms of life are some type of vehicle. Even bugs are Volkswagen Beetles. It is a horrifying nightmare of life on the other side of the singularity, but at least there is some consistency there. Tractors, which are simpler types of cars than cars, are depicted as cattle; a different species that is utilized for farming and amusement.

In Surf's Up, almost every creature is a penguin. There is a penguin depicted as being from Japan, which is a place penguins aren't really from in real life. It is insinuated the surfin' penguins are from all over. The only other intelligent birds depicted are Mikey and Chicken Joe. So one representative each from non-penguin bird species. This is not a diverse cross-section of birdkind, methinks. There are only two types of mammals depicted: the otter (or whatever) and whales. The whales are only used as transport. So we have almost no idea what this world is supposed to be like. Penguins would appear to hold sway, but they are clearly under the thumb of a conniving rodent. The waters only muddy further when some seagulls show up. One of them perches on Chicken Joe's head. They do not appear to be intelligent.

Again, there is no indication whatsoever that humans exist, nor have ever existed. Penguins are depicted as having invented surfing, for example. But real, actual human surfers Kelly Slater and Rob Machado are penguins in the film, yet are credited as playing "themselves." A PLANET WHERE PENGUINS EVOLVED FROM MEN?! I don't know. I can't even puzzle this out. Post your theories in the comments! I'm trying not to think about this too hard. Let's meet the love interest! She's a lifeguard named Lani!

Hubba hubba, I assume. She's voiced by Zooey Deschanel, but this was before Zooey was depicted as a cliche of herself in everything. If they made this movie in 2010 or 2012, Lani would have bangs and would be asking everyone whether rain was rain. Alas. She is a lifeguard in Penguintown, so instead of a human lifeguard's red floatie, she carries a red squid (which she somehow stores on land), which handily serves as another thing that looks quite a bit like a dong.

STOP THAT, SURF'S UP.

The island is abuzz with the upcoming tournament, which is treated as though it's the most important thing in this weird, weird universe. There's even a shrine to Big Z at the tournament location, which marks the spot where he is suspected to have died.

DAMMIT SURF'S UP WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT THE DONGS

For the record, this was the moment in the film that I predicted Big Z wasn't really dead and that he faked his death to escape the corporate world of surfology and also that he'd return to help LaBeouf and/or save the day. Did I end up being correct? Read on!

Tank comes by to be an unprovoked dick to Penguin LaBeouf, which sets up an IMPROMPTU EXHIBITION SURF-OFF! The rules are that whomever surfs the biggest wave, wins! That's how surfing works, right? Or at least how surfing would work if I were, for example, making it up for a children's movie as I went along. As they paddle out to a massive wave, we get this shot, which reminds us again that this is meant to be a documentary film.

LaBeouf goes to surf the hell out of the wave and immediately -- IMMEDIATELY -- wipes out spectacularly. This is twice that he's attempted to surf in front of people and twice that he has failed miserably. I'm starting to think he probably isn't actually good enough to be in this competition. WHICH IS WHAT THE SCOUT ALREADY DETERMINED. This competition is already criminally negligent.

Anyway, this idiot nearly drowns.

oh no penguin labeouf thou art drown't

Lani saves him, of course. It is worth noting that the documentarians -- whom we never see, so maybe THEY'RE humans? There is literally no way of knowing. The documentarians are operating an underwater camera for these shots (it is clearly several cameras distinct from the one mounted to the board) and make no move to assist THE SUBJECT OF THEIR DOCUMENTARY WHO IS IN PERIL THAT COULD RESULT IN IMMINENT DEATH. Everyone involved in this is criminally negligent.

Lani gets LaBeouf breathing again, but is unable to bring him to full consciousness. So she loads him on her back and carries him off into the jungle like it's god dang Cannibal Holocaust or something.

Not spooky at all.

She takes him to a very large penguin who lives in a tree. This penguin is voiced by Jeff Bridges! When you're not expecting Jeff Bridges, he really sounds a lot like Albert Brooks.

Anyway, Jeff Bridges takes a look at Penguin LaBeouf and determines that he stepped on a fire urchin. Then the documentarians intercut an interview with said fire urchin, which talks and moves and points with his barbs, but has no mouth or eyes or anything.

oh my god this universe is so weird

Jeff Bridges pulls a massive stinger out of Penguin LaBeouf's foot and then remembers that pulling the barb out actually releases the poison. He then remembers the only way to fix the ailment. So he pulls his dick out and pees on LaBeouf.

Trust me, the animation explicitly depicts him pulling his dick out and taking a long, lusty leak on LaBeouf. I guess this is the best possible time for me to point out that male penguins don't have a penis. Like most other birds, they have a cloaca. So there's nothing to really "pull out." Maybe that's why this gets so awkward for Lani and the Dude.

I'm starting to thing this movie is obsessed with wieners, you guys.

Meanwhile, Chicken Joe wakes up from having passed out at the thought of blood following LaBeouf's accident. He quickly ascertains that LaBeouf has gone missing. He has been buried in the sand by some adorable children while he was unconscious.

These helpful children have given Joe some sand-boobs and OH DEAR GOD THAT'S A SAND-DONG. STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT, SURF'S UP. WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU.

Chicken Joe decides to go look for LaBeouf, who has regained consciousness and has been pointed back towards the competition. He is literally at a crossroads.

LITERALLY. Jeff Bridges (who is totally Big Z) comes back and checks on him and convinces him that they should make him a surfboard out of this totally rad wood that's on the island. LaBeouf, who isn't sure he even wants to BE in this stupid contest (probably a good call) reluctantly agrees. Then there's a joke about Chicken Joe's dad.

WHO IN THIS UNIVERSE WOULD BE MAKING BUCKETS OF FOOD OUT OF HIS FATHER? There is nothing about this world that suggests this is "the secret life of" penguins, a la Toy Story, A Bug's Life, or every Pixar movie ever. This rabbit hole just gets rabbit-ier.

LaBeouf finally puts two and two together to figure out that his buddy is Big Z and tries to get his hero to teach him how to surf. Big Z demurs. But he seems to really like these surfboards, still.

get a room, lest we be subjected to your whippin' out your cloaca-dong again

Big Z finally says he'll teach Penguin LaBeouf a thing or two, but won't get in the water and any little shred of advice he tries to give him, LaBeouf ignores. Also, LaBeouf tries to surf using one of Big Z's old boards and can't even figure out how to turn it. This is the hero of our movie. The guy about whom someone is making a documentary. The guy who believed he had the chops to compete in the world's biggest surfing championship and still believes he can win it.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, we're treated to a tangent wherein we learn what a bad person (penguin; whatever) this "Tank" character is. He's so evil he does push-ups on a bed of coals.

So obviously he's a villain, because that's clearly a CrossFit thing. (Fitness jokes! The future of the business.) While he's doing said pushes-up, he talks about how he does it all for the ladies. So he invites the documentarians into his hut or whatever to see his "ladies". He leads them through this curtain:

... which he says he made himself. And at this point I'm imagining a harem of penguin women (pengwomen?) tied up in a weird sex dungeon. Which is normally a completely absurd thought to be having while watching an animated family film, but I've just sat through like 40 minutes of dongs and golden showers, so forgive me if I'm a wee bit punchy.

Thankfully, it turns out that his "ladies" are the nine championship trophies he's won, and is totally into. Like, all the way into. Which I guess is supposed to make him a weirdo, but it's a big old world out there, everybody. Object sexuality? Totally fine by me, man. Wake up, it's the nineties.

He has a spot saved for No. 10, this year's trophy. Seems totally understandable. Visualize yourself winning. Scarification aside, Tank seems like a pretty alright dude. Eyes on the prize, man in the world of sports, he's what we would call "an athlete." Although that sort of thing wouldn't fly in baseball, I guess. That kind of cockiness would get you a talking-to from Brian McCann, tout de suite.

At the end of this, Tank's mother yells from the other room to ask if he's "in there polishing his trophy again." So we're supposed to hate this guy because he's confident, has atypical sexuality and lives with his mother. Thanks, movie. You're just alienated like everyone I know. Oh, also, a joke about him jacking it. This kid's movie is something else.

Back at the beach (lol it's all the beach; it's an island), Big Z tries to teach Penguin LaBeouf how to make the perfect surfboard, stating that the surfboard is in the wood, and you just need to coax it out. I mean, that's pretty cliche in our universe, but even if it IS possible LaBeouf hasn't heard that one before, it's like the least you can do to even be a third less of a dick than he is to Big Z for these 20-40 minutes of the movie.

Seriously, all Penguin LaBeouf talks about is how Big Z is his hero and how he wants Big Z to train him, but Big Z is VERY CLEARLY trying to impart wisdom and the whole time, LaBeouf is like YEAH I GOT IT YEAH I GOT IT *WANKING MOTION WANKING MOTION* What I'm saying is this is one of the worst protagonists ever.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Hey Bill, I was wondering if a movie about penguins can involve some totally unnecessary racism?" Well, it's funny you should ask! Because

YUP. Chicken Joe falls in with a GANG O'NATIVES, who are tiny penguins that wear tribal paint, speak in their own language and try to cook and eat Joe. And the makers of this movie aren't even clever about it; they just straight-up do the "thinks he's in a hot tub but he's in a big cauldron over a fire and they put veggies in with him." That's the first joke you learn the first time you watch a cartoon when you're like zero years old. ABOLISH THE CAULDRON JOKE.

Meanwhile, Penguin LaBeouf royally fucks up his attempt at carving a surfboard and is completely opposed to Big Z's attempts to get him to relax, lighten up the slightest bit and have a little fun, so he storms off in a huff. OUR HERO, EVERYONE.

Halfway into his huff (huffway), he runs into Lani.

oh hey there is that a dong in your cloaca or are you just happy to squid

See the look on LaBeouf's face there? That's the look he chooses to wear during their meet-cute. I hate this penguin. Lani is overjoyed he managed to get Big Z down to the beach, so to celebrate, she wants to "show him something." Nope, not her cloaca; she takes him TOBOGGANING IN A VOLCANO.

THIS IS NOT SAFE. KIDS PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS. haha what am I talking about no kids are watching Surf's Up.

Their volcano ride ends when LaBeouf falls into some glowing gunk that he says is "beautiful." Lani laughs at him. Why is that, do you ask?

Because she points out that he is neck-deep in glowworm poop. HE IS IN POOP. HE WAS PEED ON BY JEFF BRIDGES AND NOW HE IS SUBMERGED IN FECES. How does he respond to this lovely lady's understandable giggles, our hero? HE PULLS HER INTO THE POOP. THEN THEY HAVE A POOP-FIGHT. A ROMANTIC INTERLUDE WHERE THE MAN AND WOMAN STAND ARMPITS-DEEP IN POOP AND FLING POOP AT ONE ANOTHER'S FACES AND MOUTHS.

Hang on, I have to check IMDB to make sure Harmony Korine didn't direct this movie.

After their sensuous poop-fight, things get even MORE sexual.

god damn animators did you really have to make the zooey penguin that sultry because now i'm a furry so thanks a lot

So they're just soaping off, their feathers and probably cloacas on display for the whole world to see (I don't actually know what a cloaca looks like, nor do I care to) and to make this even weirder than it already is, Lani asks if she can say something personal. To which LaBeouf replies, "We're already in the shower together!" WHO IS THIS MOVIE FOR

Anyway, rejuvenated by poop and romance or something, LaBeouf stays up all night, carving a new surfboard out of another piece of wood. Big Z, his heart swelling with pride, comes out to join him. He opens up about how amazing it feels to be in the tunnel. The tunnel of a wave, is what I'm presuming he's talking about.

Or maybe he's NOT talking about that, because he makes the above face and says -- and I quote -- "Once you get inside, you never want to get out."

I'm about ready to flip the table over and storm out of this DVD, Surf's Up. Please walk this back the slightest bit. Please.

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Okay, I'm back. What did I miss?

/looks at above image again

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ANYWAY.

Penguin LaBeouf finally shows he has the slightest bit of fun, so Big Z is like HEY GUYZ LET'S GO SORFIN' and into the drink they go!

Aw, that's almost cute! But I still hate you, Penguin LaBeouf.

Please note that they do a surfing montage here and play neither a 311 song NOR a Sublime song. Uh, hello, I thought this was Surf's Up, guys. Fix that in post. Play "Badfish" or something.

Penguin LaBeouf learns how to relax and have fun and accordingly, he starts surfing way better. Then it's time for some chill hangouts with cool buds.

Hell yeah, chill hangouts. Anyway, Penguin LaBeouf is like "Thanks for making me better at surfing; you gonna come watch me in the big competish tomorrow?" and Big Z is all like "Wait what you still care about that dumb thing?" and LaBeouf is all like "PSSSHHHHFFFF YEAH, DERR." and Big Z just goes "IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT THE SURFING, MAN." and LaBeouf is like "I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS AND YOU WON'T EVEN SUPPORT ME." to which Biz Z does NOT counter "uh hello sorta faked my death over here" but that's what I'm yelling at the movie.

Since Penguin LaBeouf is the worst creature ever, he takes off his Z necklace and FLINGS IT INTO THE OCEAN, which is the most insulting thing you can do if you're GOB from Arrested Development, but the most honorable thing you can do if you're Maverick from Top Gun, so I'm just confused. Here's a real dark picture of LaBeouf chucking his necklace into the ocean, so you can be like "ugh, THIS GUY" also. Solidarity, people!

He huffs off back to hufftown and runs into Chicken Joe, who is now in charge of the "natives" because of his gifts of him-tasting squid.

ahem (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻

So they head back to the main beach and finally, FINALLY it's time for that competition we keep hearing about!

Yeah, that one! SURF OFF. SURF RIGHT THE HELL OFF, EVERYONE. Look at the turnout for this bad boy!

There's like 23 contestants in this thing. And apparently the way it works is, you all swim out together and try to surf at once! That's the way surfing competitions work, right? That's the way they work in Surf's Up!

I can't be too hard on them, though. After all the tag line for this movie was, "Surf's Up: Because Hey Get Off Our Backs We Spent Those First Two Acts Thinking Of Ways To Cram In Poop And Pee And Sexual Suggestion And A Masturbation Reference And Like Eight Million Dongs." Truth in advertising, folks!

The penguins (and chicken) all paddle out and LaBeouf surfs his first wave! No, really, they treat it like he just surfed his first wave, which is pretty much true, because it's the first time he's ever done a surf (surfing lingo) with more than two other people watching. Good for him!

Hey, someone else is proud of him, too! Look who's lurking creepily in the bushes behind the crowd!

Seems like this is missing something.

THEEEEEERE we go.

Right after LaBeouf pops a surfie, the other 20 surfers in the tournament are like IMMEDIATELY hit by a humongous wave, which wipes out everyone but LaBeouf, Tank and Chicken Joe. So guess what? Those are your three finalists!

I hope this competition isn't on pay-per-view because I would be soooooo piiiiiissed.

Yep, totally in the finals, LaBeouf. Not bad for someone who COULD NOT SURF YESTERDAY. Time to focus. You just need to --

DAMMIT SURF'S UP I THOUGHT WE MOVED PAST THIS. Okay, look at that picture. Look at Penguin LaBeouf's expression. This is proof that the dongs are intentional. I see what you're doing, Surf's Up. And what you're doing is dong-shaped.

So the three finalists get two runs to get the biggest combined score. Because the other chumps got one group run. Neat. During the first run, Tank tries to wipe out the other two. But hubris, thy name is Surf's Up, because in short order, the wipe-out-er becomes the wipe-ee.

So it's Chicken Joe and Penguin LaBeouf with a tie score and one more winner-take-all run on a rad wave to determine the champion. No matter what happens, Tank can't win. Seems like it sort of eliminates the suspense of having an "antagonist," but what do I know? I'm a sports blogger.

They're surfin' it up real good -- surf-style -- and LaBeouf is poised to be inside that elusive wave that Big Z kept creepily referring to. But OUT OF NOWHERE, Tank drops in on their wave and heads for Chicken Joe, trying to sabotage his run. Seems like something that should result in a disqualification, to me. Also, it doesn't make sense, because Tank has been mostly antagonistic toward LaBeouf, so why would he fix it so LaBeouf would win by default? Ugh, who cares.

Chicken Joe is oblivious, so LaBeouf exits the tunnel and SURF-FIGHTS with Tank, which leads both of them CAREENING TOWARD THE ROCKS!

Oh no, is LaBeouf going to die? Nah, Big Z's got this.

But Tank smashes into the rocks and needs to be rescued by Lani. And LaBeouf's board washes up on shore, so these bystanders -- who have already been painted as readily willing to accept a surfer's death at the drop of a hat -- are heartbroken that they've lost another brave soul.

Check out this group shot of massively-sad penguins (and a chicken):

Feel free to use that screen capture to meme-ify something when you want to make ironic jokes about a celebrity dying. You have my picture. Or just slip "RIP SCOTT BAIO" on that bad boy in Impact and tweet it at him. He'll appreciate it, I promise.

"Oh wait, that guy isn't dead and neither am I! Whoops! Far out, man! You've been Jeff'd!"

[surprised Scooby-Doo noise goes here]

And there's emotion and reuniting and hugs! Way to go, everyone. You did it. You did precisely two surfs. But today we're all winners.

Except Chicken Joe. He's the actual winner. The rest of you all suck. So Big Z pulls a "HEY EVERYBODY WE'RE ALL GONNA GET LAID" and invites them all to "the North Shore."  So everyone goes to the NICE side of the island, leaving James Woods otter to be sad and alone.

Song choice for the big finale: Sugar Ray! SUGAR RAY. I mean, I shouldn't front, because there's a Sugar Ray song that I absolutely and inexplicably adore (a song that is ALSO from a beach-themed movie), but I don't think there's anything quite so "Not A Pixar Film" than kicking your movie off with late-era Green Day and wrapping it up with late-era Sugar Ray. I think everyone who watches this movie should get a free Whole Foods tote. Except me, I don't want a tote. Instead, can I have not seen this movie? I'll take my question off-air. Thanks, god bless.

Oh, okay, FINE, one last dong for old time's sake.

And we wrap things up the only way we possibly can: a point-of-view shot of a cloaca. We'll see you next time, when I review something that hopefully has less dong symbolism. Maybe Top Gun!