Ranking (almost) every single offseason transaction

So I was sitting around and I said, "Hey, Rob, I think I'm going to rank every move of the offseason," and Rob said, "That sounds like an amazingly stupid idea," and I said, "Yeah, but I'm out of ideas," and Rob said, "Do you know how long that will take?", and I said, "Nah, shouldn't be too hard. Just a little copy-and-pasting, pushing the numbered-list button, and boom," and Rob said, "Whatever. See you in March, moron," and then when the cops found me eight hours later I was in a Barnes & Noble trying to eat a Street & Smith's preview mag and wearing nothing but a Delmon Young shirsey.

But the hard part is over! And for no real good reason, here are the offseason trades, signings, and re-signings ranked from best to worst. The only ground rules were that minor-league signings didn't count, and extensions to players under contract (David Wright) didn't count either. This is all about a team acquiring the players they wanted, or keeping the players they had away from the other teams.

I found 55 trades, signings, and re-signings that I don't care a lick about. They're all there at that link if you want to yell at me for ignoring any of them. I've always wondered if Blake Tekotte's girlfriend reads Baseball Nation. That left 108 different trades, signings, and re-signings that actually provoked an opinion. Which is nature's way of saying, "C'mon, man, it's the winter. Read a book or something," but, well, that slope has already been slipperied down.

Ooh, one last note: This is about how much sense the moves made just as much as it's about the potential impact. A bad team making a B-prospect-for-reliever trade probably isn't going to have a fraction of the impact that, say, the Josh Hamilton signing will. But if I hated the idea behind it, it could be at the very bottom. Otherwise, the bottom of the list would just be filled with reliever signings, good and bad, because those probably aren't going to make much of a difference.

1. Indians acquiring Matt Albers, Trevor Bauer, Bryan Shaw, Drew Stubbs from Dbacks and Reds for Lars Anderson, Tony Sipp, Jason Donald and Shin-Soo Choo

2. Blue Jays acquiring John Buck, Jose Reyes, Emilio Bonifacio, Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle, and $4M from Marlins for Jeff Mathis, Yunel Escobar, Adeiny Hechavarria, Jake Marisnick, Henderson Alvarez, Anthony DeScalfani, and Justin Nicolino

3. Rays acquiring Wil Myers, Jake Odorizzi, Mike Montgomery, and Patrick Leonard from Royals for James Shields and Wade Davis

4. Mets acquiring Travis d'Arnaud, John Buck, Wulimer Becerra, and Noah Syndergaard from Blue Jays for Mike Nickeas, Josh Thole, and R.A. Dickey

5. Dodgers signing Zack Greinke

6. Nationals signing Dan Haren

7. Yankees re-signing Hiroki Kuroda

8. Nationals acquiring A.J. Cole, Blake Treinen, and PTBNL from Mariners/A's for Michael Morse

9. Nationals acquiring Denard Span from Twins for Alex Meyer

10. Braves acquiring Chris Johnson and Justin Upton from Diamondbacks for Martin Prado, Nick Ahmed, Brandon Drury, Randall Delgado, and Zeke Spruill

11. Reds acquiring Jason Donald and Shin-Soo Choo from Indians for Didi Gregorius and Drew Stubbs

12. Blue Jays signing Melky Cabrera

13. Diamondbacks signing Brandon McCarthy

14. Blue Jays acquiring Mike Nickeas, Josh Thole, and R.A. Dickey from Mets for Travis d'Arnaud, John Buck, Wuilmer Becerra, and Noah Syndergaard

15. Indians signing Michael Bourn

16. Twins acquiring Vance Worley and Trevor May from Phillies for Ben Revere

17. Red Sox signing Mike Napoli

18. Twins acquiring Alex Meyer from Nationals for Denard Span

19. Red Sox signing Koji Uehara

20. Astros acquiring Max Stassi, Chris Carter, and Brad Peacock from Athletics for Jed Lowrie and Fernando Rodriguez

21. Astros acquiring Alex White and Alex Gillingham from Rockies for Wilton Lopez and PTBNL

22. Tigers signing Torii Hunter

23. A's acquiring Chris Young from Diamondbacks for Yordy Cabrera and Cliff Pennington

24. Mariners re-signing Hisashi Iwakuma

25. Tigers re-signing Anibal Sanchez

26. Indians signing Nick Swisher

27. Rays re-signing Joel Peralta

28. Cubs signing Kyuji Fujikawa

29. Giants re-signing Angel Pagan

30. Rangers signing A.J. Pierzynski

31. Red Sox signing David Ross

32. Cubs signing Edwin Jackson

33. Braves signing B.J. Upton

34. Yankees re-signing Andy Pettitte

35. Rays acquiring Yunel Escobar from Marlins for Derek Dietrich

36. Mariners acquiring Kendrys Morales from Angels for Jason Vargas

37. Mets signing Shaun Marcum

38. Pirates signing Francisco Liriano

39. Cubs signing Scott Baker

40. Red Sox signing Jonny Gomes

41. Angels signing Josh Hamilton

42. Blue Jays acquiring Mike Aviles from Red Sox for (manager!) John Farrell, David Carpenter

43. Red Sox signing Ryan Dempster

44. Yankees signing Kevin Youkilis

45. Nationals re-signing Adam LaRoche

46. Red Sox signing Stephen Drew

47. Pirates signing Russell Martin

48. Cubs signing Scott Hairston

49. A's signing Hiroyuki Nakajima

50. Red Sox acquiring (manager!) John Farrell, David Carpenter from Blue Jays for Mike Aviles

51. Nationals signing Rafael Soriano

52. A's re-signing Bartolo Colon

53. Giants signing Andres Torres

54. Rangers acquiring Josh Lindblom and Lisalverto Bonilla from Phillies for Michael Young

55. Giants re-signing Marco Scutaro

56. A's acquiring Jed Lowrie and Fernando Rodriguez from Astros for Max Stassi, Chris Carter, Brad Peacock

57. Rays signing Kelly Johnson

58. Diamondbacks acquiring Martin Prado, Nick Ahmed, Brandon Drury, Randall Delgado, and Zeke Spruill from Braves for Chris Johnson and Justin Upton

59. Pirates acquiring Jerry Sands, Ivan De Jesus, Jr., Mark Melancon, and Stolmy Pimentel from Red Sox for Brock Holt and Joel Hanrahan

60. Royals re-signing Jeremy Guthrie

61. Angels acquiring Jason Vargas from Mariners for Kendrys Morales

62. Marlins acquiring Derek Dietrich from Rays for Yunel Escobar

63. Blue Jays signing Maicer Izturis

64. Red Sox signing Shane Victorino

65. Rangers signing Lance Berkman

66. Pirates re-signing Jason Grilli

67. Angels acquiring Brandon Sisk from Royals for Ervin Santana

68. A's acquiring Josh Jaso from Mariners for A.J. Cole, Blake Treinen, and PTBNL

69. Astros signing Jose Veras

70. Cubs signing Nate Schierholtz

71. Phillies signing Mike Adams

72. Yankees signing Travis Hafner

73. Red Sox acquiring Mike Carp from Mariners for PTBNL or cash

74. White Sox signing Jeff Keppinger

75. Indians signing Mark Reynolds

76. Yankees re-signing Ichiro

77. Angels signing Joe Blanton

78. Rangers signing Joakim Soria

79. Angels signing Ryan Madson

80. Mariners signing Joe Saunders

81. Twins signing Mike Pelfrey

82. Padres re-signing Jason Marquis

83. Indians signing Brett Myers

84. Red Sox acquiring Brock Holt and Joel Hanrahan from Pirates for Jerry Sands, Ivan De Jesus, Jr., Mark Melancon, and Stolmy Pimentel

85. Astros signing Carlos Peña

86. Diamondbacks acquiring Yordy Cabrera and Cliff Pennington from Athletics for Chris Young

87. Phillies acquiring Ben Revere from Twins for Vance Worley and Trevor May

88. Reds re-signing Ryan Ludwick

89. Mariners signing Jason Bay

90. Orioles re-signing Nate McLouth

91. Marlins signing Juan Pierre

92. Braves acquiring Jordan Walden from Angels for Tommy Hanson

93. Rays signing James Loney

94. Diamondbacks acquiring Heath Bell from Marlins for Yordy Cabrera

95. Rockies acquiring Wilton Lopez and PTBNL from Astros for Alex White and Alex Gillingham

96. Royals acquiring James Shields and Wade Davis from Rays for Wil Myers, Jake Odorizzi, Mike Montgomery, and Patrick Leonard

97. Mariners signing Raul Ibañez

98. Royals acquiring Ervin Santana from Angels for Brandon Sisk

99. Marlins signing Placido Polanco

100. Dodgers signing Hyun-Jin Ryu

101. Reds re-signing Jonathan Broxton

102. Diamondbacks signing Cody Ross

103. Dodgers re-signing Brandon League

104. Twins signing Kevin Correia

105. Mariners acquiring Michael Morse from Nationals for John Jaso

106. Marlins acquiring Jeff Mathis, Yunel Escobar, A. Hechavarria, J. Marisnick, H. Alvarez, A. DeScalfani, and J. Nicolino from Blue Jays for John Buck, Jose Reyes, Emilio Bonifacio, Josh Johnson, Mark Buehrle, and $4M

107. Phillies acquiring Michael Young from Rangers for Josh Lindblom and Lisalverto Bonilla

108. Diamondbacks acquiring L. Anderson, D. Gregorius, and T. Sipp from Indians for M. Albers, T. Bauer, and B. Shaw

109. Phillies signing Delmon Young

Oh, Phillies.

Here's how it breaks down:

• 1 through 16 are moves I love unconditionally
• 17 through 33 are moves I like
• 34 through 57 are moves I like well enough, but I'm not going to spend too much time arguing for
• 58 through 86 are the "huh" zone. This can also be the "Yeah, okay. I guess so" zone or "Shhh, Love It Or List It is on, and that's more interesting" zone
• 87 through 91 are a small patch of minor dislikes. Can't get too worked up.
• The Heath Bell Line is the official categorization for what happens after that. Because good god y'all.

These are completely objective, correct, and permanent rankings. There shall be no disagreement on any of them. And now I'm going to sit in the corner and not think about offseason transactions for a few minutes, if that's alright with you.